Setting boundaries when you are a people pleaser?

[Simplefoke]

Why is this so hard and why do I feel so awful. When you set boundaries so many problem end up going.

Does this just take practice and does it get easier???? Any tips?

@Simplefoke
Oops sorry typo mistake *daughter in law ment to say too,

@cerisepanther73 I got what you were saying. No they don’t live up to my idea of in laws or grandparents.

I understand where you’re coming from (it’s easier to think that behaviour is malicious or intentional, when the reality is probably in many cases that you just don’t factor in that person’s consciousness as someone who needs to be treated in any particular way). As you’ve just said, intention isn’t relevant if repeated patterns of behaviour, as it lands, consistently makes you feel miserable. All you can do is choose not to expose yourself to it, or not to give it headspace.

That’s a really important realisation, @Simplefoke — you’re absolutely right, people-pleasing has a negative effect on those people who value you, even if only because you’re giving time and headspace you could spend with loved ones on running after people who mistreat you, because you’ve decided they must be more important because they reject you.

@LoisFarquar but that is where I get stuck. I don’t understand why I don’t factor in their consciousness. I’m the partner of their son and the mother of their granddaughter. We are happy, he is happy, why aren’t they happy? How can they treat me so so badly and so differently to the other DIL. Nice people don’t do this do they?

But you don’t. You don’t register. It’s hurtful, but all their behaviour indicates it. Why is not something you will ever know, any more than why your ex was a pig or why your best friend was mean to your other friend when you were 20. And it doesn’t matter whether they’re ‘nice’. You don’t experience them as ‘nice’.

My PILs are, for instance, nice people. But within their own worldview. They’re devoted to their sons in law, who are the type of person they understand, local, work similar jobs to FIL, WC, from similar families etc. DH’s brother’s wife, who is French, MC, anxious and fussy, and who comes at the world from a very different place, they don’t like or understand.

Ah ok I get that. I can’t be anyone different. I’m probably anxious and fussy lol especially around the wrong people. They probably don’t like or understand me also but they shouldn’t take that out on my daughter or their son. They petty, they shouldn’t be so bloody obvious. I’m done anyway, after the weekend I don’t like them.

They are areholes, who clearly get a kick out of treating other people like shit.

You are bending over backwards trying to make them like you because you fear that it is you who is the problem.

Stop it. Stop trying. It isn't you that's unlikeable.

You should know in your own heart that you are fine, there is nothing wrong with you, that you are a nice person. Because you are. Have faith in yourself. Keep on telling yourself that it isn't you. Keep on telling yourself that they are fundamentally nasty, and there is no point in worrying about what others think of you. It doesn't matter what they think, because they are horrible people anyway.

Follow Nedra Tawwab Glover on Insta/FB and read her book "Set Boundaries Find Peace". She puts out great reminders along the way of why you've done what you've done.

@DrJonesIpresume I think something is going on and I feel I’ve walked into an already standing issue. I can’t put my finger on it but my gut has always been off. They have always tried to push me in a box it feels. They dismiss my opinions and feelings on things and I feel invisible. His grandparents on the other hand lovely and inviting so it’s not like I don’t get on with any of them.

@Simplefoke You can't do anything about their dismissiveness, unpleasantness or some already ongoing issue. What you can control is your reaction to it. You said 'I feel invisible' but they aren't creating that feeling inside you, so maybe it would really help if you try to control your feelings and reactions to them. There's a book called 'The life-changing magic of not giving a f**k' that someone once suggested on here, and I bought it on their recommendation. I found it very eye-opening.

I started wondering if I am narcissistic. Thinking it’s about me when it could be about them. I think I should be liked but I think that about everyone. We should all be liked equally. Stupid thinking really.

Not stupid thinking at all. I'd say useful thinking (everyone is narcissistic to some extent).You do you. Let them do them/ Know your boundaries know your exceptions Know how to set clear boundaries around your exceptions.

Bin the guilt.

I worry I’ve got it wrong and perhaps she is ND and this is somehow something to do with it. She is obsessed with making memories, only doesn’t seem to care about how people feel. It’s very black and white. I’m not exactly how she wants so that’s it she ignores with little empathy. Anyway I’m probably over thinking, I’ve good a feeling she isn’t giving any of this 2 thoughts.

I do agree life is about making memories. But sometimes stuff happens and we need support to come through it and get back to making memories. It feels like you can’t have any feelings or any needs, no connection to people. Life with her is very shallow. I can’t be like this. Not every thing is always great.