Setting boundaries when you are a people pleaser?

[Simplefoke]

Why is this so hard and why do I feel so awful. When you set boundaries so many problem end up going.

Does this just take practice and does it get easier???? Any tips?

It is very hard, there’s no doubt about that. I’ve been working on this for many years and I’m still not sure if I have the answers.
What happens when you first start out particularly is that people have expected you to absolutely serve them in every way. They used some reliable techniques (emotional blackmail) and as an unaware people pleaser you instantly give them exactly what they want. When you realise your pattern, then you don’t respond in that predictable way, the other person tries to put you back in your box by doubling down on their emotional manipulation. This is very painful and uncomfortable to resist as a people pleaser. That’s why it seems to create so many more problems.

Because, as in your case @Simplefoke (I recognise you from your other threads), a people-pleaser often spends years behaving in a certain way to people they neither like nor respect, in order to elicit a certain kind of behaviour. Understandably, they resent the situation because they’re not being authentic, and often it doesn’t work anyway (as in your situation), so they explode, overreact and/or cut contact. Which baffles the people they’ve been trying to please for years, who have often not really given them much thought, because suddenly X is being different.

You are lucky in that your people-pleasing has manifestly not worked. Your PILs don’t like you, despite your best efforts. They’re unlikely to take much notice if you start seeing less of them. Stop expecting them to make you feel good. Focus on building your self-esteem, and not looking outside yourself for validation.

Its harder, I think for people-pleasers who are more ‘successful’ in the sense that they’ve successfully traded services for regard, then stop the services and discover that the supposed friendship doesn’t outlast the dog walking, free babysitting, lifts etc.

The best advice I got was to never say yes or no to anything immediately.....buy yourself some time. Often you feel extremely pressurised in the moment to say yes and put yourself out to please someone else, and then almost immediately regret it and feel railroaded and upset. Take a step back and make it a habit to never commit to anything without giving yourself at least a night to think it over. That time gives you space to decide whether you really want to do something, or if you are caving in to be nice when it doesnt really suit you or you know the other person is taking advantage. You can think through some stock phrases and practice them over and over until they trip off your tongue without thinking - eg, that sounds interesting /I'd like to help, BUT I'll have to check the family calendar - I'll get back to you. Or Im unsure of what we have planned, let me check first before I commit. I cant say whether I can do that yet, but I will check and let you know by text. Etc etc etc. And when you respond, make it a rule never to phone - if youre going to refuse, always do it by text. Thats my short cut because it means it doesnt open me up to wheedling/upset/negotiation/ asking for my reasons and then challenging them etc. Its just a message like Hi Sandy, I checked our schedule but unfortunately committed elsewhere so cant give you a lift. Cheers and see you at book club... or whatever

@LoisFarquar this feels like a curse given to me by my parents.

If so, it’s a curse I was also handed by my mother, but it’s one that can absolutely be overcome, with work.

But you need to take responsibility for your own choices and actions. Blaming your upbringing for teaching you to people-please, or your PILs for not being very nice to you isn’t going to change anything. Look at your own behaviour as choices you made. You e tried to please your PILs. It hasn’t worked. They don’t like you despite your best efforts. You come back after spending time with them depressed and posting on here. Your own behaviour is making you unhappy here. You can’t change them. You can change your own behaviour. You can limit time with them and stop wanting them to validate you.

@LoisFarquar Thanks for replying. I’ve got this split feeling. One half of me is like fuck them what the hell is wrong with them to behave like this and the other is what happens if I’m just not actually worth liking and I’m the issue. I can’t decide which side Im on. I think I’m worth knowing, I hope so. I can’t understand what kind of people behave like this to new members of the family. Are they nasty or am I the issue. I hate this split feeling.

The reason it’s difficult is because you’re having to create something that has never been there… it’s not like you’re reverting to something that originally was there.

It gets easier with practice. As a PP said, buy yourself time. Be honest with yourself about the cost to you of saying yes to things. Get a clear vision of what you like doing for yourself - a vision board can help. Keep reminding yourself of how you’re left feeling when you’ve given to others the energy and resources you need for your own life.

When you say no, resist the urge to apologise or to give long winded explanations. Be really clear.

Nothing worthwhile is easy!

Setting Boundaries if You Are a People-Pleaser | Psychology Today United Kingdom

This is well worth a read of.

Your inlaws are nasty people and they would never get on with anyone "outside" the family. You are worth liking and you cannot reason ever with people who are that disordered of thinking.

Thanks @AttilaTheMeerkat that was a good read. I did tell my partner that I didn’t want to go on this family holiday because it’s clear his mum doesn’t like me and I feel not accepted. I get overwhelmed and end up feeling ill and drained. I know he wanted to go to this place as it was a childhood holiday and he wanted our daughter to go where he used to go. I was also pressured by the family as I said in a group chat that he was ok to go without me….the mum said in bold letters “it’s a family holiday”… so I let the boundary go for others and what I thought would happen of course happened and I was ignored and felt shit.

They have all been on holiday 10 plus times together before and we’d not been invited to those and this was the first time the brother put the invite out to us.

the mum said in bold letters “it’s a family holiday”…

The answer being, in bold, "Your family, not mine"

Yes takes practice. I used be terrible whole life info. Then when u ask them yes all good thanks😃. So better boundaries both with family and friends now. Lol.

I think it helps if you can reframe what you are doing in people-pleasing in your mind. People-pleasers (I am a recovering one) often see people-pleasing as "being nice", so not people-pleasing is not being nice.

It can help to say that actually people pleasing is not about being nice- it's about acting in particular (inauthentic) way in the hope of achieving a particular outcome (for many of us, conflict avoidance). That's not necessarily a nice thing to do. It also doesn't necessarily work (other people generally don't find people-pleasers very pleasing- they are as likely to find us annoying/frustrating/fake.).

So you might find it easier to think in terms of acting authentically v inauthentically.

@Simplefoke — but again, your energy is going into them, to trying to understand them and their thought processes and behaviours. Stop giving them so much headspace. They’re only important because you’re making them so. You’re the one giving them power. You’re not obliged to engage, or to justifying not going on a family holiday.

Can I ask again whether you have friends?

@Bellevilles in that case there are so many instances that I could have started a fight about the comments that have been made. Eg when she offered every one a drink she had in her hand and stopped at me at the weekend I wanted to say something but I ended up saying please can I have a drink also and felt like a twat. I hate conflict so much, I have no idea why I hate it so much.

@LoisFarquar yes a few. It has been important for me to fit into a family, it’s been something I’ve never had. It’s hard for me to just let it go but I understand holding on is causing me harm. When I look at all the pictures of the family holidays they have together it makes me feel shit.

Sounds like the issue isn’t you being a people pleaser or having poor boundaries but the other person setting out to make you feel bad. I would cut yourself some slack- you’re finding it hard because she is making it hard, it’s not a failing of yours.

@Bellevilles I hadn’t thought of it like that.

I would suggest that you also will have got into a situation where the more she is an arse to you the more vindicated you feel and that can be a viscous circle that means that instead of just stopping seeing her you keep seeing her in an effort to prove that it's not you it's her - and to perhaps hope that others see it too and intervene. You don't really need a boundary as such, you I think just need to stop seeing her. If your implicit boundary is "if you treat me like shit i won't spend any time in your company" then she has trampled across this it would appear so just disengage.

@TorroFerney not really. I just keep giving her the benefit of the doubt and don’t really understand whats going on.

Fair enough, but perhaps reflect that you don't have to know what's going on - I read a thing the other day that said if a crocodile (insert other animal) bit you would you a) go and sort your injuries out or b) chase after the crocodile and find out why it attacked you.

@TorroFerney I think I’m stuck on intention. I get that the outcome is the same. Are they intentionally doing this because they are horrible or not. For some reason it fits into my brain easier to know that it’s deliberate. I guess it black and white thinking.

Everytime you find yourself trying to please someone who doesn't return the courtesy, or trying to make people like you who have chosen to cold shoulder you, remember that the time and effort you're spending could go to someone who deserves it. Who is missing out on your time and attention while you go places and do things to pander to the likes of your MiL? If you can't stop people pleasing for your own sake, do it to free up capacity for the people you care for and who care for you. You've only so much time and headspace. Use it wisely.

@5128gap you are right. I lost so much time with my dad who died whilst I was busy trying to please my husband into stopping his abuse. I’m doing the same thing now with this MIL. I thought yesterday all the wasted time, I should be spending these roasts with my mum who helps me an awful lot. People pleasing is selfish. In my own bid to feel accepted I’ve neglected the people who do love me.

@Simplefoke

Just see your father in law and rest of them who you have emotionally problematic relationships with as just individuals with flaws and maybe good or not good personality traits too,

Their opinions of you put in perspective so 🤷 what if you don't live 🤔 up to their ideal of what an idealised perfect daughter is supposedly to be like in their eyes,

They are certainly not perfect either that's for sure,
Such as they don't live up to your idea of good enough father in law ect too,

So the feelings are mutual in that regards too

If they think they are perfect?
they are deluded too, aswell as any other imperfections go with this too etc

Treat your father in law and rest of them who give you problems or make you feel inadequate accordingly

like they are acquaintances that you do polite meaningless type of chit chat talk when you come across them,

They are nothing speacial so don't sweat stuff about them

How 🤔 old are they then?

If he or they are really old?

Will not be around for long anyway thanks 🙏 to god...
If father in law or and they are God awful 😖