So unhealthy but I love him

[solonglondon9]

I am in between a rock and a hard place. My partner is quite critical and I don't feel is good at containing his emotions. When he is in a good mood and life is going smoothly, things are mostly great and I feel he is my best friend and in love with him. The problem is when he is stressed or angry (even if it is not directly at me, could be work or external person), he starts banging around the house, shouting, slamming doors etc. It creates a horrible atmosphere and he will criticise everything I do when in one of these moods. We do disagree on quite a few things and I think he often acts like I am a stay at home housewife despite me also having a full time job (doesn't do day to day house chores and barely cleans up after himself). He also never wants to go out or socialise which is important to me and I end up out with family etc instead of him, so part of me is feeling the relationship might have run its course.

The problem is that when things are good, the other part of me can't imagine life without him. I'm trying to think long term but I don't know how to end things when there is still times where it is great and he is my best friend. I have spoken to him about the issues but things always go back to the same thing after a month or two so have to accept this is who he is. Worried I am wasting my life when there could be more out there but feel paralysed.

Do you recognise some form of this OP?

You're in an abusive relationship and that's why you feel frozen. He behaves in a way designed to create that feeling in you.

You will slowly lose yourself to this relationship.

Don't you want more from your life than this?

Do you have / want children?

I haven't ever thought of it as being abusive as he never has laid a hand on me but the cycle sounds familiar as often after he has been in that kind of mood he will act like nothings happened or turn it back on me if I did bring it up. No kids yet but would like kids in a few years time. I think I wish things could be good all the time and it does feel paralysing like it's not bad enough to leave but I'm not sure this is what I want for the rest of my life.

Maybe it's time to consider leaving him as his behaviour will probably get worse if you have children. You mentioned he doesn't help with housework and expects you to do it all,just put a baby into the mix and it would become a bigger arguing point which would probably end up with you wanting to leave as you have a child to consider,do you really want this life for yourself?

If a friend of yours wrote this what would your advice be?.

Abuse is not solely or just physical in nature and the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did one of your parent behave similarly?.

What is love to you because this is anything but a loving relationship that you are describing here.

How can you be helped here into leaving your abuser?. He is not your best friend either; best friends do not mentally abuse the people they purport to love and he does not love you. He likes having you around basically to abuse and otherwise mistreat as he sees fit.

Quite apart from him abusing you this man does not want to socialise and expects you to do all the chores within this household. These are red flags that you minimise and or ignore at your emotional peril. He is showing you clearly that because he is a Man with an Important Job you are expected as a female to clean up after him. Make no mistake here, you are also in an abusive relationship with this man and he making you feel paralysed is par for the course in such a dysfunctional and unhealthy relationship. Abuse like this takes time, years even, to recover from and your boundaries too are being further trashed by this man. Your own recovery from his abuses of you has not started properly yet but you have taken a small but significant step in writing about this on here and that is to your credit. Abuse thrives on secrecy and its time this was busted wide open.

Where are your friends/family support here?. I would reach out to Womens Aid as they can also help you.

What is the situation re the property/finances?.

You should not and cannot act as some sort of rehab centre here to such a badly raised man. What if anything do you know about his family backgorund; pound to a penny he saw abusive behaviour from one parent to another and violence in his childhood. He is NOT father material and he will go onto emotionally abuse any children unfortunate enough to have him for a father. DO NOT waste your precious life further on him.

It's a cycle much like the first poster here mentioned. The highs are so high that they keep you going, and you just try and wait for those to come around. He's probably never going to change in the way that you want or need, do you want future kids stuck with this type of behaviour? Ultimately you will make you choice based on how you feel but do what's best for you, sometimes love really just isn't enough.

Has it occurred to you that it might not be love you are feeling? You say you've never thought of it as abuse, and there's your problem. Everyone else you describe that too will instantly tell you it's abusive but you can't see it.

What you saw in him in the beginning was an act designed to draw you in. It was also an act he was never able to maintain; this is who he really is.

Abuse is about power and control and such men too hate women, ALL of them. He wants absolute over you OP, I have no doubts about that whatsoever.

Your only real option is to plan your exit from this with due care and attention using outside help like Womens Aid and family if they are reliable because your safety here is of paramount importance.

Would you really want to have kids with someone like this? If he leaves all the chores to you now will he help out at all with all the extra work that childcare involves? What would it be like for a child having to put up with his moods?
Better to quit now whilst you still have time to meet someone more suitable to a happy family life.

Thanks for the replies, I am feeling a bit shocked. Is it crazy that I feel I must have lied in my post or something as I have just never considered that he is abusive. I thought he was just moody or that I'm being difficult etc by wanting to go out more or being fed up with him not helping around the house. I never considered that it would be abusive.

He is never really your ‘best friend’. He acts like it sometimes, when he’s in a good mood, or it suits him, but he has apparently shown you on many occasions very clearly who he really is, so if I were you I’d believe him and end it. A few moments of perceived happiness is never going to be worth a lifetime of abuse.

Op there are people that you love, and there are people you want to build a life with.

Your partner definitely does not fall in to the latter category.

In other words, love isn’t enough on its own without other good qualities. And this man seems to have very few.

I am probably old enough to be your mum, please trust me when I say that you really do NOT want to bring dc in to this relationship.

If your partner is stressed with anger issues now, how do you think he will behave when sleeplessness, fatigue, the relentlessness of parenting and a crying baby comes in to your life?

If he does virtually nothing in terms of housework now, despite both of you working, how do you think he is going to behave when you are ill during pregnancy, have had an exhausting birth, are breast feeding and haven’t slept properly for several months?

Is he suddenly going to put his negativity, anger and personal issues aside and start mopping the floor and doing the laundry?

Or when the baby is crying and teething, what will he do with his anger then? Do you think he is going to suddenly regulate his emotions and support you both?

Your life is relatively easy at the moment without dc, this should be the stress-free, easy-going tile of your life, and yet he can’t cope and is going around banging furniture and creating a nasty atmosphere?

Why does he do that do you think? And why has he isolated you from your friends and family?

There is a reason why you wrote this op and why you are “worried” that you are wasting your life. That’s because every minute you spend with this awful man, is a minute lost when you could be either exploring your own potential as a single woman, being with friends, nurturing your family relationships, or finding a lovely man who is a decent person.

Why do you feel paralysed? Because he has made you afraid. Because he is a horrible selfish person who can’t get others to stay with him without intimidation. Because it makes his shrivelled heart feel “big” being in control.

Because he has isolated you from your support systems so you have no one to lean on but him.

Op, please take note, you don’t need his “permission” to leave. You don’t need permission from anyone. You don’t even need to talk to him.

Reach out to family or friends for support. I guarantee that they will be waiting for your call.

Gradually round up all of your important possessions: documents relating to finances, a few clothes, medication, anything that is precious to you and put them in a bag and leave. You can always return with a well built male friend or colleague to collect the rest.

Be careful when you leave as this is when these sorts of relationships can get violent. Pretend everything is fine and slip out one day when he is not expecting it. Do not pre-warn him.

You deserve safety and proper love in your life op and so do your future dc 💐

Thank you. I think you are right about someone to spend a life with as I am concerned about having kids with someone who doesn't pull his weight and already doesn't treat me well when I am ill for example, I don't get to lay in bed even without kids, he has had me out helping gardening when I had covid for example.

I haven't told friends and family so I haven't had much of an outside opinion to this but there have been times that I have thought he was unnecessarily nasty for small things so I can see where the responses are coming from and I do feel like I am walking on eggshells and sometimes trying to manage his mood so that my day is not ruined. Think I need to have a look at how he treats me and whether he does even seem to love me.

Firstly, you have to accept who he is. This is him. He is not going to change. Nothing will make him change. Secondly, you need to accept this is how you will life the rest of your life if you stay with him. If anything it will get worse when kids come along, because if he’s not stepping up now he sure as hell won’t be stepping up when you’re pregnancy or and toddlers running around. Thirdly, you need to make a decision. Do you want to accept this or do you want something better? Because if you want something better, where you feel happy and safe and supported and equal, then this is not the man for you.

I am concerned about having kids with someone who doesn't pull his weight and already doesn't treat me well when I am ill for example, I don't get to lay in bed even without kids, he has had me out helping gardening when I had covid for example.

Oh OP 😞

It's so sad that you haven't considered him abusive before despite his awful behaviour.

I'm glad the cycle resonated and has got you perhaps seeing the relationship through a new lens.

As someone who had a baby recently, with a loving and supportive partner, please please don't have a child with this man.

You are so very vulnerable during pregnancy and post natally. It's tough in many ways even with a lovely partner. Doing it with a man like your current boyfriend would be a huge mistake. Especially as abuse is known to escalate during pregnancy.

Some days I was so knackered, my sciatica was so sore and my feet were so swollen that I would sit on the sofa with frozen peas on my feet, eating ice pops and watching endless grey's anatomy and having the odd cry. You know what my partner did? Everything else. So I could rest and relax. He made me laugh and gave me a cuddle if I needed one.

And that's not anything over and above what you should expect from a partner in that situation. But yours would never do that. Because he is cruel and doesn't want to make you feel content, secure and happy. He wants you to feel confused, insecure and anxious. Because that way he can convince you that you don't deserve more. You do though.

To continue a relationship with him would be foolish. To have a child with him would be selfish and irresponsible. A child deserves more than growing up being taught that men have more right than women to be happy. Growing up watching your relationship dynamic would be so damaging for a child.

So please, get out before children are involved.

With someone like this, the bad times tend to become more frequent and the good times vanishingly rare.

Kids don't deserve to grow up in a horrible atmosphere - and there is nothing more stressful than a baby/toddler/preschooler. Whatever you do please don't have kids with this man.

• Criticising everything you do
• Shouting
• Banging
• Behaves like this in a cyclical way - not all the time...wonderful periods interspersed with awful ones
• Won't do housework even though you both work full time
• Not interesting in hearing your feedback and adjusting his behaviour.

It is psychological abuse.

It's designed to keep you in the kind of place where you know you are not to ask him to do anything. His needs come first.

A best friend doesn't behave this way.

Being alone would be much better than having to live on eggshells and being summoned out of bed to do gardening when ill. It's weird you say he doesn't help around the house, but expects you to do the gardening when ill, even though you take care of the inside of the house, too? It sounds like you're the maid.

I hope you can see you deserve much better.

I also wanted to say that I've been in unhealthy relationships in the past, too. I thought I loved those men and I really felt i did at the time. But once I got out and a bit of time passed, I realised that they were eliciting this passionate love and all these feelings from me mostly because they were making me feel insecure and on eggshells. I was so relieved when things were OK again and it intensified the good times and the feelings. But it was also partly manufactured by the abuse and bad treatment. I couldn't see that when I was in it.

OP.

Imagine how you feel when he is 'on one' the tip toeing, the tension, the wait for the inevitable blow out, the noise, the slamming etc...

Now imagine you're 3 years old. And that's your dad. You can't just run up to him and jump on him to play as you never know if it's happy daddy or angry daddy. You never know if he's going to hug you or shout at you.

Or shout at your mummy.

You'll spend your life tying to placate this man's moods to protect your child but it won't work.

Most men get WORSE once children are born.

If you want children the best thing you can do is find a man who is worthy of being a dad.

Think I need to have a look at how he treats me and whether he does even seem to love me.

You've described how he treats you and it's horrible. Why does whether he loves you or not matter. Do you think you deserve to be abused if he says he loves you?

This is the problem and i say it as someone who has done it myself. We as women we wait things out too long, we wait to see what happens when we already know. Or bad things happen but we weigh it up, minimise it and somehow pull through, and then either think it won't happen again or won't be as bad.

I know someone going through a bad relationship still and it infuriates me even with good understanding, why they won't get rid especially as the bf lives in their home. Granted he's paid rent etc but not on the tenancy etc.
It's hard to even have a friendship with her, because of the way he has controlled her. She will go out but not much because of terrible anxiety ok maybe not all through him because I have had anxiety for as long as I can remember too. And rush back home or always wants to be around so she is there when he comes home etc.

You use the word ' partner ' so you are not married ?
there are no children ?

do you really want to spend the rest of your life like this with him ?
why !

is your home bought / mortgaged or rented.

sort out the money aspect and split up, there are 1000,00's of other men out there, why pick this one ?

life is too short !

It's easy to be nice when things are going your way, it's how you act when they're not that reveals true character.

His is shit.