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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

So unhealthy but I love him

48 replies

solonglondon9 · 29/05/2024 08:50

I am in between a rock and a hard place. My partner is quite critical and I don't feel is good at containing his emotions. When he is in a good mood and life is going smoothly, things are mostly great and I feel he is my best friend and in love with him. The problem is when he is stressed or angry (even if it is not directly at me, could be work or external person), he starts banging around the house, shouting, slamming doors etc. It creates a horrible atmosphere and he will criticise everything I do when in one of these moods. We do disagree on quite a few things and I think he often acts like I am a stay at home housewife despite me also having a full time job (doesn't do day to day house chores and barely cleans up after himself). He also never wants to go out or socialise which is important to me and I end up out with family etc instead of him, so part of me is feeling the relationship might have run its course.

The problem is that when things are good, the other part of me can't imagine life without him. I'm trying to think long term but I don't know how to end things when there is still times where it is great and he is my best friend. I have spoken to him about the issues but things always go back to the same thing after a month or two so have to accept this is who he is. Worried I am wasting my life when there could be more out there but feel paralysed.

OP posts:
solonglondon9 · 29/05/2024 13:44

Redruby2020 · 29/05/2024 13:38

This is the problem and i say it as someone who has done it myself. We as women we wait things out too long, we wait to see what happens when we already know. Or bad things happen but we weigh it up, minimise it and somehow pull through, and then either think it won't happen again or won't be as bad.

I know someone going through a bad relationship still and it infuriates me even with good understanding, why they won't get rid especially as the bf lives in their home. Granted he's paid rent etc but not on the tenancy etc.
It's hard to even have a friendship with her, because of the way he has controlled her. She will go out but not much because of terrible anxiety ok maybe not all through him because I have had anxiety for as long as I can remember too. And rush back home or always wants to be around so she is there when he comes home etc.

I do feel like I already know in my gut but I'm waiting for that lightbulb moment of knowing I have to go, like it's not clearly bad enough yet.

Also interesting what you say about your friend as I do feel really isolated and have lost friends over the years. I realised I only have 2 close friends left and I'm wondering if its partly because of him. He never tells me not to go out but I have stopped myself going out as much so he doesn't moan about money or not spending time together, and when I am out I am checking in / letting him know a time to pick me up etc. My friends and family don't seem to like spending time with him either and rarely come round the house even though I've never said much about the issues, but he's not the friendliest or most welcoming to them.

OP posts:
Redruby2020 · 29/05/2024 13:51

JollyJanuary · 29/05/2024 13:37

Think I need to have a look at how he treats me and whether he does even seem to love me.

You've described how he treats you and it's horrible. Why does whether he loves you or not matter. Do you think you deserve to be abused if he says he loves you?

I picked up on that too.

It's because us women who have been through it stupidly don't know when to draw the line and say enough is enough!!
I hope Op will be another success story of someone who gets away.

It would be different if you are talking about people naturally doing things when they are single or a couple with no kids and it will all change when kids come along.

This is not one of those situations.
You've got to go with what you've seen so far not hope for the best further down the line.
It would be slightly easier if these types of men walked out, but they don't they like to hang around unfortunately. They won't finish the relationship and some are happy with that or almost seem to find some comfort or reassurance that he must really love me in that case.
But love is not enough and often it's just words especially if the actions don't match.

Redruby2020 · 29/05/2024 14:19

I do feel like I already know in my gut but I'm waiting for that lightbulb moment of knowing I have to go, like it's not clearly bad enough yet.

Also interesting what you say about your friend as I do feel really isolated and have lost friends over the years. I realised I only have 2 close friends left and I'm wondering if its partly because of him. He never tells me not to go out but I have stopped myself going out as much so he doesn't moan about money or not spending time together, and when I am out I am checking in / letting him know a time to pick me up etc. My friends and family don't seem to like spending time with him either and rarely come round the house even though I've never said much about the issues, but he's not the friendliest or most welcoming to them.

This is what I said about waiting further, to convince yourself sometimes it never comes or takes a long time to come, or for something really bad to happen, to make you see and make the final push.

In regards to friends and him not telling you to not go out, it's never as clear cut as that, as you have experienced. Because he has complained in other ways. And when you are so under that persons control you just change what you do.
That is also a sign that others don't seem to like him! I have known of this being the case in someone else's situation too. But they at times went along with things for the woman.

solonglondon9 · 29/05/2024 14:49

Redruby2020 · 29/05/2024 14:19

I do feel like I already know in my gut but I'm waiting for that lightbulb moment of knowing I have to go, like it's not clearly bad enough yet.

Also interesting what you say about your friend as I do feel really isolated and have lost friends over the years. I realised I only have 2 close friends left and I'm wondering if its partly because of him. He never tells me not to go out but I have stopped myself going out as much so he doesn't moan about money or not spending time together, and when I am out I am checking in / letting him know a time to pick me up etc. My friends and family don't seem to like spending time with him either and rarely come round the house even though I've never said much about the issues, but he's not the friendliest or most welcoming to them.

This is what I said about waiting further, to convince yourself sometimes it never comes or takes a long time to come, or for something really bad to happen, to make you see and make the final push.

In regards to friends and him not telling you to not go out, it's never as clear cut as that, as you have experienced. Because he has complained in other ways. And when you are so under that persons control you just change what you do.
That is also a sign that others don't seem to like him! I have known of this being the case in someone else's situation too. But they at times went along with things for the woman.

Thanks this is helpful. Obviously there are times that I know have been quite horrible and made me very upset but I now feel a bit daft and naive that I haven't really realised that it could be controlling or abusive until now

OP posts:
unsync · 29/05/2024 15:06

solonglondon9 · 29/05/2024 09:07

I haven't ever thought of it as being abusive as he never has laid a hand on me but the cycle sounds familiar as often after he has been in that kind of mood he will act like nothings happened or turn it back on me if I did bring it up. No kids yet but would like kids in a few years time. I think I wish things could be good all the time and it does feel paralysing like it's not bad enough to leave but I'm not sure this is what I want for the rest of my life.

Please don't have children with this man and please do not stay with him. I was married for over twenty years to an abusive man. It destroyed me and I spent most of that time on medication and self medicated with food. I thought it was me and thought the way he behaved was OK as he didn't hit me. It wasn't until after we split that he did physically threaten me.

You deserve happiness and you will not find it with him. I would suggest you read Lundy Bancroft's book to understand his behaviour, Women's Aid are also a great resource and support. They really helped me to get myself back.

LiveLove24 · 29/05/2024 15:07

OMG OP, don’t have kids with this man.

Do you know how trapped and how much harder it is to leave someone once you have a baby with them. It’s physically and mentally like moving a mountain the amount of endurance you need to go the distance.

He doesn’t clean up after himself?

Be prepared to do it all then. And my god it’s hard on your own. But even harder wheh you’ve got a black cloud following you around.

Why are you allowing someone to mistreat you?

LiveLove24 · 29/05/2024 15:12

Would you consider some therapy?
Thar got me out of my abusive relationship. It was so helpful.

It would be good for you to explore why your boundaries are so low. Do you suffer from low self esteem?

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 29/05/2024 15:14

Think I need to have a look at how he treats me and whether he does even seem to love me.

Why do you need to have a look? It's all right there in your posts. Don't waste your time looking for shreds of evidence that he loves you. I'm sure you'd find some, but the question is, why be with someone who treats the woman they apparently love like this? As for bringing children into a relationship with an angry man who has violent outbursts and already won't do his share around the house... you would be absolutely crazy to do this.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 29/05/2024 15:25

My ex was like this. Please please please don't have children with him he is still bullying and trying to control me a year and a half after he left me while I was pregnant.

DrJonesIpresume · 29/05/2024 15:27

He is abusive. Abuse does not have to be physical, it can be verbal, psychological and financial too. Of course he isn't like it all the time. If he was horrible to you all the time you wouldn't have stayed this long would you?

He isn't nice or welcoming to your friends and family and they don't like him. That should tell you a lot.

He is isolating you from your support network, and you are constantly walking on eggshells, desperately trying to delay the next onslaught.

Please do not bring a child into this toxic mess. Please tell you family and friends, and ask for their assistance in helping you to leave him. If necessary, tell your employer too.

dodobookends · 29/05/2024 15:32

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 29/05/2024 15:14

Think I need to have a look at how he treats me and whether he does even seem to love me.

Why do you need to have a look? It's all right there in your posts. Don't waste your time looking for shreds of evidence that he loves you. I'm sure you'd find some, but the question is, why be with someone who treats the woman they apparently love like this? As for bringing children into a relationship with an angry man who has violent outbursts and already won't do his share around the house... you would be absolutely crazy to do this.

^ All of this 100%.

Whether he loves you or not is irrelevant. His abuse tells you everything you need to know. You do not deserve this abuse in any way, and there is nothing you can do to stop him behaving like this. Take a long hard look at how he treats you.

Stop thinking that everything would be okay if only you could make him love you more.

OstaraElowen · 29/05/2024 15:45

solonglondon9 · 29/05/2024 08:50

I am in between a rock and a hard place. My partner is quite critical and I don't feel is good at containing his emotions. When he is in a good mood and life is going smoothly, things are mostly great and I feel he is my best friend and in love with him. The problem is when he is stressed or angry (even if it is not directly at me, could be work or external person), he starts banging around the house, shouting, slamming doors etc. It creates a horrible atmosphere and he will criticise everything I do when in one of these moods. We do disagree on quite a few things and I think he often acts like I am a stay at home housewife despite me also having a full time job (doesn't do day to day house chores and barely cleans up after himself). He also never wants to go out or socialise which is important to me and I end up out with family etc instead of him, so part of me is feeling the relationship might have run its course.

The problem is that when things are good, the other part of me can't imagine life without him. I'm trying to think long term but I don't know how to end things when there is still times where it is great and he is my best friend. I have spoken to him about the issues but things always go back to the same thing after a month or two so have to accept this is who he is. Worried I am wasting my life when there could be more out there but feel paralysed.

I just wanted to say I'm so sorry you're going through this, it must be weighing so heavily on you too.

My advice would be to say you only have one life, you deserve to live it in happiness. If your other half is aware of the effect his behaviour has and is unwilling to seek therapy to change then he is choosing to hurt you. With that choice he is showing you he doesn't truly care for your wellbeing, even if the good times are amazing.
There are men out there that wouldn't dream of hurting their loved ones and you deserve peace.
I bet the thought of leaving is overwhelming and may seem impossible but you can achieve it, even if it is slow and bit by bit. I would love for you to not let fear prevent you from finding your happy ending

solonglondon9 · 29/05/2024 15:49

OstaraElowen · 29/05/2024 15:45

I just wanted to say I'm so sorry you're going through this, it must be weighing so heavily on you too.

My advice would be to say you only have one life, you deserve to live it in happiness. If your other half is aware of the effect his behaviour has and is unwilling to seek therapy to change then he is choosing to hurt you. With that choice he is showing you he doesn't truly care for your wellbeing, even if the good times are amazing.
There are men out there that wouldn't dream of hurting their loved ones and you deserve peace.
I bet the thought of leaving is overwhelming and may seem impossible but you can achieve it, even if it is slow and bit by bit. I would love for you to not let fear prevent you from finding your happy ending

Thank you for the kind and understanding message. I think you are right as I mentioned to him going to therapy to deal with his anger/ emotions better and he just said he doesn't have money for it and that I have my own issues I bring to the relationship which he isn't asking me to change. So he has basically said he doesn't plan to do anything about it.

Thanks, it does feel overwhelming but I definitely don't feel I have a peaceful life at the moment so I do need to have a good look at myself and why I am not expecting more from a partner who says they love me.

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 29/05/2024 15:51

He doesn't clean up after himself, or chip in generally with housework, despite you working full time. This will not change if you had DC's, you would be left doing it all. Also, I guarantee you that he would not ever be willing to take care of his own DC's so you can see friends, you'd be totally isolated.
I've picked up on the reluctance to go out because of his moaning about money. You are not married, so presumably have separate bank accounts, so it's none of his business how you spend your own money and he certainly has no right act as judge as to whether you can afford to go out or do whatever. If he's feeling skint for whatever reason, that's his lookout.
He's being unfriendly to your mates on purpose so you don't invite them round. He's hoping they will fall by the wayside, which is exactly what is beginning to happen.
Do you have a mortgage together or rent? How easy is it to move out? Don't waste your fertile years on this antisocial grump.

Fatotter · 29/05/2024 15:51

You work full time and he doesn't help with anything!

Not someone I would want as a partner.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/05/2024 15:58

He lies when he says he loves you. He just wants absolute power and control over you.

What were you like before you met him?. What drew you to him?. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Your boundaries here, already perhaps skewed by previous poor and or abusive relationships and poor
life experience, are being further eroded by him now.

He has a problem with anger, YOUR anger, when you rightly call him out on his behaviour. AM courses as well are NO answer to such issues when it comes to abuse.

Abuse is not a relationship problem. Romantic or peer relationships that contain abuse are not equal relationships, meaning that one person holds and controls the power in the relationship. A consensual adult relationship should never feature such a power imbalance.

While an abuser may tell you that their choice to abuse you is due to your behavior or a relationship problem, that is a lie.
Abusers clearly have control over their behavior, because they do not abuse everyone. They choose who to abuse, how to abuse, and when to abuse.

Abusers target victims at times when the abuse will be most effective to keep the power in their possession. They also use different forms of abuse depending on what will hurt the most at the time.

My guess too is that he is all sweetness and light around other people; he does not treat his work colleagues like this does he?. No he does not. Abusers too are quite plausible to those in the outside world. Abusers know what they're doing when they abuse. That's why they hide the abuse from others. They know how to tear you down and then build you back up so that they can do it repeatedly.

There are different models of the abuse cycle, but all of them flow like this: some kind of tension that leads to abuse, that leads to reconciliation, that leads to calm, until the next time. It's during the reconciliation and the calm times that make you see the abuser as loving or kind and that makes you question whether it's the relationship or you that creates the abuse.

Bingbangboom1 · 29/05/2024 15:58

Walking on eggshells in your own house means you are living with an abusive person whether physical or not.

ScabbyHorse · 29/05/2024 16:04

Relationships like these (I've had a few!) take a while to heal from... I would advise leaving as soon as possible so you can properly recover and find who you are again, before even thinking about finding someone else. He's wasting your time!

OstaraElowen · 29/05/2024 16:45

Please don't blame yourself for the situation! This is not your fault at all. I wish I could give you the biggest hug!! Life has sent you this hurdle to overcome and you are absolutely strong enough to do so. Please please reach out if you want to talk things through, I'm here for you if only virtually.
I know you can do this, one tiny step at a time 💖

kelpiesurvivour · 29/05/2024 16:52

Please please ring woman's aid and get their help, advice and support. They are amazing

solonglondon9 · 29/05/2024 20:14

Thanks for all the advice. We only rent a house together so it wouldn't be too difficult to leave in that respect. Just feels impossible just now. I do feel like I have no friends and if I cut him off I'll feel even more alone and isolated than I already do but I also equally understand everyone saying he is abusive and it shouldn't be tolerated. And I also know I should not have kids in this situation so it's stupid to waste any more time and obviously I am in a better position than those who do have kids. It just feels so hard, not sure how to deal with it all emotionally 😣

OP posts:
OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 29/05/2024 20:21

but you do have friends and family, and I think you will be able to see a lot more of them when you leave him, it's not as if he was very encouraging to them to be at yours - is it ?

do you work ?

being in a rental puts you in such a good position - no division of property etc.

as for dealing with it all emotionally, you could get some type of therapy / counselling ?
if you do work there maybe something available ? i work in a large supermarket chain and saw info on a display board the other day about all the benefits / assistance available to staff.

solonglondon9 · 30/05/2024 09:08

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon you're right that I'd see them more, I think I have probably not been there for some friends who have rightly distanced themselves as I have been absorbed in this relationship but maybe it would be a chance to reconcile. I do work yes so will have a look into if they offer anything like therapy thanks.

I really wish things could be better but I think that's why I am still here and need to aceept this is how he is always going to be.

OP posts:
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