Complete mess

[Amiokay]

How to keep this short.

Husband (33m) of 1 year (although been together 10) has decided that all of a sudden we don’t spend enough time together, worried marriage isn’t for him and what if we get 10 years down the line and he’s wasted my time if it fails. After an emotional reveal that he wanted out (which I had to get out of him) I grabbed a suitcase, and left for my parents (met with panic by him). I came back a week later because I had to be back to go to work. He was very emotional when I came home but still hasn’t changed his mind but is saying he needs to think about what he wants. He’s not told any of his friends and is going to therapy this week for the first time to address some issues he thinks he has from childhood and expressing his feelings. I’ve so far been really patient with him, told him I respect his perspective that I think our marriage is worth saving but I won’t beg him to stay. I’ve been making my own plans so that I don’t just break in two but today I’m utterly at breaking point and just feel like I’ve strived to be perfect all my life but it’s never enough and now I’m worried I’ll never feel like I am good enough for anyone to stick around. Ultimately I know I’ll be okay alone but I’m just emotionally at an absolute loss. This is my first ever post so please be kind.

You won't fall apart OP. Take your time to get the perspective you need. No other advice, but big hug. 🍷

You've done the right thing op by not playing the pick me dance.

I'd actually ask him to leave (but that's just me) and work on separating our financials. I certainly wouldn't want to sit around while he tries to make his mind up if I'm worth it. Fuck that. Who does he thing he is? I've got better things to do than sit around for the rest of my life wondering if I'm a consolation prize.

I'm no agony aunt but personally I think you are doing everything right. It really sounds as if it's him and not you. He's having an motional crisis for some reason- all you can do is take it one day at a time if you can stand to. After 40 years of marriage I've realised that another person's mind set is a foreign country and really all we can do is look after our own self whilst offering a level of support to those who we feel deserve it.

First of all virtual hug op you must be so confused right now. So he's saying you don't spend enough time together but then doesn't know if he wants to be with you? Am I getting this right?

Has he brought this up before? How do you feel about what he's saying is it true? I'm only asking to try and work out what to advise really.

If its not true and you feel he's using excuses then you're definitely doing the right thing. At times people do use excuses to get out of relationships.

Sorry, but it's highly likely there's another woman. Cherchez la femme.

Yes I’m trying not to let my ego make me be reactive and stay gracious so I can walk away with a clear conscience but I know I deserve more than just being an option. I’ve started looking at consulting a lawyer for advice on getting a financial settlement because I think it’s always best to be prepared as best as possible with the practicals it’s just the emotional aspect that’s hitting hard today.

Thanks so much - confusion indeed! It doesn’t make sense does it, I feel like he’s lost his mind. Can’t stand me not being around, doesn’t hate me just doesn’t want to be married to me? He’s never been great at expressing his emotions so god knows how long this has been festering away for him. I’m glad he’s going to a therapist to at least get some clarity for himself. It could be an excuse and he’s too spineless to just walk away and he’s dithering. But that makes me feel so much worse!!

Definitely has crossed my mind, and I’ve told him this is your opportunity to come clean but obviously not many people would…although nothing in my gut telling me this is the case and no reason to suspect but aware could be it.

Thank you! I don’t know if that’s why I’m struggling today, trying to weigh up if I can tolerate it or not and what it says about me if I do. 40 years of marriage is amazing, thank you for your insight 🥰

Even the idea of going to therapy and having to peel back the layers of the onion is something that can drive even the most level-headed person cuckoo bananas. He could be fretting about what he is going to be discussing and feeling panic at having to speak to a stranger about very hard feelings, which are playing havoc with his emotions. I’m not saying it is fair on you, because it isn’t, but just giving you an alternative perspective on why he appears to be swinging from one tangent to another at the moment. I think you’re dealing with it brilliantly to be honest - you’re patient and practical and there’s nothing else you can be really until the mist clears a bit. By all means start to think about an exit route if that will make you feel more in control of things, but also bear in mind that he might come out the other side of the appointment in a completely different frame of mind. Sending you lots of love in the meantime.

Big hug OP. Whatever happens u will cope. Take care

Ladies, never stay with a man for whom you are a “maybe”. Stay only when you are an absolute “yes”! Know your worth! Who do they think they are?

He could be having a bit of a breakdown by sounds of it not necessarily another woman involved. Sometimes men struggle and they don't know how to express it very well. But communication is important and youre not a mind reader. I hope he gets help he needs from therapy and it gets sorted. Nothing worse than not knowing where you stand with someone, but you've done the right thing making sure you'll be ok and surrounding yourself with good family/friends for support

I think it’s so hard to understand when someone struggles to communicate his feelings but maybe he doesn’t actually understand them either, I guess that’s where therapy will help hopefully. I’ve stressed the need to communicate and I think shown him I’m rational and calm in my responses so that he knows it’s safe to communicate. At the end of the day I’ve told him I just want him to be happy whether that’s with or without me. Some people probably think I’m being a pushover but I have been clear that I know my worth and have just carried on making plans for me to enjoy myself. I don’t really know whether to put a time limit on that but I guess eventually it will come to a head one way or another. But think there’s something valuable in holding onto knowing I’ll be okay either way. Just occasional dark and scary moments of doubt creep in - especially after a challenging day at work! I’m also dealing with my dad having cancer and trying to ensure him and mum are getting the support they need so it’s generally been tricky to maintain emotional resilience and keep perspective/not give into the terror of just falling apart.

This could be the sickness bit of in sickness and health - he doesn’t sound well. You don’t just abandon sick people. Well I don’t, I don’t know what you do. He’s having therapy this week, there’s a lot in the mix.

@Arlanymor 100% I bet he is infatuated with another woman and he is going to therapy to help him make a decision. He doesn’t want the OP to leave him - YET - because he is confused around whether he wants to stay with her or the other woman.
OP! Don’t be an option! Make him stay with the other woman and stress out whether it is going to work out (it won’t! Affairs rarely work because they are being built on shaky foundations!)

You are not a pushover op not at all.
I'm so sorry about your dad, man you're going through it and you've remained calm through all of this when it would be understandable if you weren't.

He's picked a terrible time to do all of this and I hope he's not doing this because he feels 'neglected' as that would be so selfish.
It's your marriage at the end of the day you have to do what you think is right.
Just make sure you're happy too and if he can't talk to you then that's really what the problem is,so he has to.

If you cannot understand why these could clearly be symptoms of mental distress then consider yourself fortunate that you don’t understand. But don’t project, particularly when there is sod all evidence of another woman.

I know - I might buy a euromillions ticket in case there’s some good karma stored up (not that more money would solve either issue here but you know, could buy a wine cellar at least?!)

No to be fair to him, he has been so supportive throughout the past year whilst my dad has been going through it and has driven me up and down the country to spend time with them which I’ve been incredibly grateful for. But yes does feel a bit like life has been…testing my limits recently.

I’m glad you don’t think I’ve been a pushover! I think as PP said, marriage is in sickness and in health so I’d feel wrong to just abandon ship at the first sign of trouble, that being said…I won’t sink with the ship either 😂🤦🏽‍♀️

Not at all, and as you said he's not all bad. Just a horrible situation isn't it.

Why not, go buy a ticket and a nice bottle of wine you certainly deserve it 🍷

Agree with last part. Some people
have a wobble for a number of reasons, happened to me a couple of months ago. It’s awful as you feel helpless and you want to work at it as nothing major seems to be wrong (cheating, abuse etc). In fact these are the breakups (if that happens) which are worst imo as there is no major event that happens to break it.

he could genuinely be protecting you and being too honest about his feelings.

good luck and hopefully he will realise what he may be giving up but work on a plan b

Sounds like you've spent a lot of time putting other people, especially your DH, in front of your own wants and needs. Or is the time to put 'you' first. Decide what it is you want. If it's him I'd give him a timescale to make his mind up. I. The meantime I'd be making sure I've got all the documents copies and stored and I'd also spend some time talking to a solicitor. I'd also tell friends and family, you need their support. Don't tell them to protect him, you've spent enough time doing this, it's about you now

I'm an old cynic, but this is The Script, and there will be another woman in the background.

I wonder when he says you don't spend enough time together does he really mean he doesn't feel you're there for him...which would be understandable considering everything else you have going on. Maybe he feels neglected and therefore feels the situation isn't right for him...but doesn't fully understand his own feelings and therefore can't properly express them. By the way...I don't know if you're there for him or not, so no judgement here, just a genuine attempt to interpret his mixed messages.

This.

Sorry Op, but it very much sounds like the beginning of the end.

I think he's a bit of a coward and can't fully make his mind up.

It's not good enough.

How long will you allow him yo keep you dangling.