Complete mess

[Amiokay]

How to keep this short.

Husband (33m) of 1 year (although been together 10) has decided that all of a sudden we don’t spend enough time together, worried marriage isn’t for him and what if we get 10 years down the line and he’s wasted my time if it fails. After an emotional reveal that he wanted out (which I had to get out of him) I grabbed a suitcase, and left for my parents (met with panic by him). I came back a week later because I had to be back to go to work. He was very emotional when I came home but still hasn’t changed his mind but is saying he needs to think about what he wants. He’s not told any of his friends and is going to therapy this week for the first time to address some issues he thinks he has from childhood and expressing his feelings. I’ve so far been really patient with him, told him I respect his perspective that I think our marriage is worth saving but I won’t beg him to stay. I’ve been making my own plans so that I don’t just break in two but today I’m utterly at breaking point and just feel like I’ve strived to be perfect all my life but it’s never enough and now I’m worried I’ll never feel like I am good enough for anyone to stick around. Ultimately I know I’ll be okay alone but I’m just emotionally at an absolute loss. This is my first ever post so please be kind.

Has there been talk of starting a family together? Or maybe he feels this is imminently on the horizon? I do think men can have a wobble at this point in life, marriage is one thing, bringing children into the equation can be a massive step for some people...

We have discussed kids but are both massively on the fence with that considering our careers have sort of taken off this past year or so. I did wonder if this was triggered by being married and then it’s sort of natural I suppose to consider what comes next. He had a difficult childhood, real dad abandoned him for another family when he was 3 and has been in and out of his life ever since so just consistent abandonment. Step dad also has his own issues with PTSD and being quite authoritarian. Husband did say his biggest fear was we would have children and end up resenting each other and it would ruin everything we’ve built together so there probably is something in that even if not the full issue. It feels a bit existential crisis like?

Re PPs saying there is likely another woman, I’ve assumed if there is that’ll come out somehow anyway, I’d be extremely disappointed if that were the case but would quite calmly make a sharp exit in that instance but I don’t have any evidence or intuition that that is the case. I’ve been quite firm that we don’t stay in the same room and have set out boundaries to ensure we both have space and it’s not a situation where he gets to have his cake and eat it but still being supportive of him seeking help for his headspace and being there to listen when he wants to talk. I’ve been very clear that I’m here but not to be taken advantage of and that I need to also look after myself.

well done for not doing the pick me dance or agreeing to be his support human. I think he's wondering if the grass is greener elsewhere? many men get misty eyed about an alternate life they could have lived.

Thank you - no I know, I’m always a believer in counting your blessings and looking at everything you are so lucky to have to put things in perspective. We have a great life, not perfect but we are very lucky and have enjoyed some things that some people will probably never get to do. He’s definitely not a downtrodden husband who is stuck in a humdrum life but I suppose it’s human to ponder what your life could have been/what it’s all about especially if you’re feeling low.

Another old cynic here. I would assume this is the case until proven otherwise, OP.

Haha, that was a tongue in cheek comment about him wondering whether the grass is greener, most men don't know how good they've got it! When you think of all the single people looking for a relationship, or people in unhappy/bad relationships, you realise the ones in happy relationships are the privileged few. Your dh sounds like life has treated him well. Well time for him to find out that the grass isn't greener elsewhere.

You are absolutely doing the right thing. Your self preservation has kicked in and as long as you put yourself first, as he is doing, you will be ok either way.

@Amiokay it's okay to fall apart for a moment to mourn the partner you thought you had and the wonderful like your imagined for both of you.

Take that time to regroup so that you can now move on.

Don't take him back. This needs to be his loss. You aren't there as an option. You are supposed to be his "one", where there is no doubt and he is overjoyed to spend the rest of his days with you.

You deserve that. We all do.

Let him go. Move on and find your true "one". Never accept less because you are 100% worthy of real, genuine love and there will be another down the line who will make you look back on this relationship with a relief you didn't stick around doing the pick me dance while he dithered over things.

He doesn't love you the same way you love him. He is just afraid to be alone and give up the 10 years of home comforts you provided.

How are you now, @Amiokay?

Luckily today has been manic at work so I’ve not had much chance to be in my emotions, the NHS might be broken but definitely provides a great distraction work wise 🤦🏽‍♀️

Still have to head home to see how the first therapy session went though - hopefully positive, I hope so for him anyway.

My friend's husband said a lot of the same things. Had a bit of a difficult upbringing and started therapy to try and sort himself out. Reality was there was another woman and the therapy helped him to get the courage to leave. She wasted a year hoping therapy would help his mental health. Even funded the therapy herself.

I believe if someone suddenly starts saying this.. like I’m not right for you, we don’t spend time together bullshit, meaning there IS someone else.
It’s literally It’s not you, it’s me…

Well that must have been awful for her and I mean, you never know! But I guess that’s why I’ve not put my life on hold but I think benefit of the doubt before jumping to any conclusions here is sensible and kindest for now. I don’t suspect another woman but if therapy is what he needs to get the courage up to leave me for someone else that would be slightly pathetic, only a sign of a weak character in him and, I’ll be continuing my own happy life elsewhere with a clear conscience 😂

Certainly not funding the therapy.

Is it a breakdown if he's still managing to work effectively in his job that's taken off in the past year? The thing about work progression, is that via it you can come across different people who you work alongside. That could lead to forming new friends, and maybe his feelings have been stirred by someone. You'd have no idea of this because it all occurs at work.
The only clue would be if there has been any mentionitis about a colleague, but it could be easily kept to ones self, especially if it feels wrong.
People who always saw themselves as 'not that kind of person' and who have a particular strong hatred of that behaviour ( maybe as been on receiving end in childhood of such) then become emotionally distressed when faced with the notion that, yes, they could be actually be repeating the hated behaviour of their own father- bingo! Now he's in turmoil, but at least he can be the better person by not bringing a child into it.
Hopefully, therapy can unpick it, I'm just guessing, makes sense though. Might not even be an affair, just an attraction could trigger something like this.

I don't think it's a breakdown as such, more of a crisis of self. Tbf I've only taken one day off sick since the discussion about ending thing and I've been in some dire emotional straits but just feel like I have responsibilities and bills to pay so being able to take more would be a luxury.

I think what you've said makes total sense, and that was a road I went down where I said to him, has your head been turned and this is what this is all about. I think you'd be a robot to not find others attractive even if you're in a loving relationship but that doesn't mean ending your marriage. Wouldn't you just keep ending relationships if that were the case?! In any case, he's said it's not that (could be lying I guess). All his colleagues are male/not based in the UK and I have heard him on calls with his female colleagues abroad and there isn't an iota of chemistry there...if anything I hear more about what they've done wrong in a work context than anything else. Maybe naiive from me and I guess that doesn't mean he doesn't feel attracted to them. The main thing here is without communication and honesty, I can't work out the reasoning or where I stand and that's what I intermittently struggle with and can reach points where I'm like just leave you don't deserve this. Other half of me is like but you're married, you don't just give up on 10 years after 6 weeks of turbulence and 2 weeks of uncertainty and to me, I meant what I said in my vows. Some days I'm like this is the end, some days I think it can't be. Hate how not black and white it is when feelings are involved!

Apparently first therapy session yesterday went well.

In better news - I got my job offer yesterday after five rounds of interviews whilst all this has been going on, something to celebrate and also additional financial security for me which is reassuring given the uncertainty in the rest of my life right now. Also my Dad's latest Onc appointment was promising so that's a relief! At least the rest of my life isn't falling apart. Just the marriage at present ✌

Well done on the job offer!

Thank you! A nice little confidence booster

That’s amazing on the job offer. Really well done. And you must be so relieved about your dad.

One thing I realised after my own marriage fell apart - if DH’s behaviour is confusing it’s because you don’t have all the facts.

Thank you - I'm so relieved, it's always better when life doesn't throw all the shit at you at once!

No exactly, I can't rationalise it when I have very little understanding of the issues at hand. Either he doesn't have all the facts himself (would make sense considering he seems to be unable to identify or articulate emotions hence the therapy) or is keeping things from me for whatever reason (which would be a major weakness of character and somewhat selfish/cowardly) or a combination of both. Who knows, it is exhausting either way. I'm really feeling drained today, seem to be entering the cycle of chronically tired but unable to sleep and combined with work stress is really taking a toll keeping everything together.

Saying that, one thing I have come to realise when I'm deliberating with can I tolerate being in limbo and whether I should just walk away to save myself or grit it out is it's not an easy decision so I can see why he's struggling if he's not even deciding whether to walk away from something with an acutely identifiable issue.

You sound like you’re doing amazingly OP.

i think what you need to think about is whether even if he gets over this blip, whether you can forgive him for doing this to you especially when your dad is ill.