Possibly meeting OW face to face for first time

[SimpleSummer]

My husband received an invitation to an event at a place where he is likely to bump into a woman with whom he had developed a close relationship and/or had an affair with a couple of years ago.

The problem is that he seemed keen to go to the event, but also seemed keen for us to go together. I would like to ask others how I should cope with this should we see her because neither him nor this woman have the first idea that I even know of her.

Just go and ignore her. You don't need the drama.

Ignore her

I won't be able to ignore her if she speaks to us though because that would make me look really odd/rude.

More context is needed. Do you already know her well enough that it would look odd if you didn't say hello to her? How do you know what happened with her and your husband, and is he completely unaware that you know? Who is she - does she work with him?

So did he have an affair? You allude to it but don't seem certain. Did he/she actually cross boundaries?

As others have commented, trying to clarify this. Your H had an affair that you know about, but he doesn't know that you know about it?

This all seems very strange.

Did your DH have this emotional affair/ physical affair while you were a couple or was it before you met?
If it was during your relationship with him why has it not even been discussed?

I would not seek her out at all but don't feel nervous about bumping into her - she's going to be way more unsure of you. If you are confronted with her, I would fake the friendliest smile and hello, but keep conversation to the absolute bare minimum and move on as quickly as possible. Any barbed comments of unfriendly looks will only reflect badly on you (unfortunately), plus you'd probably regret it.

I think you may find yourself very aware of how your husband and her interact, so try to anticipate that and don't be thrown by it.

All of that said, it's a bit (very in fact) shit of him to want to subject you to this, even if he doesnt know you know. What's the reasoning?

Why haven't you confronted your husband about his affair?

So you're totally fine with going along, him basically mugging you off as he thinks you're blissfully unaware?

Strange.

I would suggest if he had the affair during OPs relationship with him he is by definition a bit shit .

Do you suspect this or have you evidence? And why haven’t you talked about it?

Oh absolutely, i didnt mean to come across as minimising that! But this is an extra level of shitness separate to the affair. I feel most men who have affairs would try very hard to make sure their wife didn't have to meet the OW. Partly to protect themselves of course, but also because it's an extra level of awfulness they don't want to subject their poor wife to, even if they are capable of cheating on her.

Are you saying that DH does not know that you know about him and this OW? And she does not that you know who she is? If so, I would go, breeze through it as confidently and cheerfully as you can manage to put a face on, but watch them both closely but discreetly to see how they interact. I would want to know how they get on now.

To be fair, it's quite rude to have an affair with your husband.

I did this once when a woman had been calling my boyfriend at strange hours. They were friends and I wouldn’t have minded but it became obvious she was pursuing him.

We bumped into her and he introduced us, I looked with raised eyebrows and said “Huh.” Then walked off.

Her mother was there and at least she definitely got the message. No one asked me why I was rude.

👏🏻

I don't know her. He wouldn't even think I'd know of her, let alone know her name although he did mention her name once when talking about the organisation she works for.
I haven't mentioned to him what I know and what I suspect. Rightly or wrongly, I didn't mention it because there was some other major life events happening at that time and I suspected it wouldn't develop into anything, and it didn't.
This is what I know. That she travelled with him when he went to visit adult DC who lives 200 miles from us. She stayed in the same hotel but I don't know if that was the same room or not. It wasn't a business trip, it was a weekend. I haven't spoken to DC about this. I would think they would tell me if they'd seen their dad with a strange woman, but I'm not 100% sure they'd mention it.
The other stuff which made me suspicious was circumstantial but lots of little signs like the way he'd answer the phone from her organisation.

I’d go along, and if I had to, make polite convo with her. I’d watch them both, then just before I left I’d follow her into the toilet or walk past her and stare her out and say “ I know”.

I think this is what I initially thought would be the best thing to do, thanks.

How to behave at this is the least of your worries, surely? This all sounds miserable. I think I’d give it a miss and tell him why

So your DH went to visit your adult DC who lives 200 miles away and this woman went with him. Why? You say this was an entirely personal trip and nothing to do with work so why did she travel with him and book into the same hotel? I'm confused.

So how do you know their relationship isn't ongoing?

Wow. I can’t believe he doesn’t know you know. (Of course it was the same room by the way).

Go, be polite and distant, see how they interact and see how he reacts (or she does) when they see each other.

Yes keep a very beady eye on them… it’s not a nice position to be in at all. Just make sure you watch your drink and don’t erupt ! That’s what I’d end up doing !

Ohhhh….very Princess Diana v Camilla PB. I like it.