How do you get an adult child to leave home?

[MummyInTheNecropolis]

I often see people on here advised to kick their kids out when their behaviour is unacceptable but realistically how do you do this when the child doesn’t have the resources to get a place of their own?

My DD is almost 19, and extremely abusive towards me. She’s making my life unbearable and my mental health is shot to pieces as a result. I’m certain that she has mental health issues but she refuses to engage with any services or seek any kind of help. I spent years going through CAMHS, social care, education welfare, various charities, anywhere that I could self refer to. The answer was always if she refused to engage then there’s nothing we can do.

She is an adult now so it’s even harder for me to access help for her when she refuses to engage. She self medicates with weed which she smokes in the house despite me telling her not to a million times. She leaves mess everywhere and refuses to lift a finger around the house. She has a decent job but won’t spend a penny on food or bills, that is all on me. She calls me a bitch and a cunt on a daily basis and will spend hours screaming in my face calling me the most horrendous names and telling me to kill myself.

I have told her she has to leave but she refuses and tells me I’m the one who has to go! The only way I could get her out would be to leave her stuff on the doorstep and change the locks but then what? Where will she go? I don’t think I could literally let her sleep on the streets, despite everything I do love her and want what’s best for her, I just can’t bear living with her.

I’m a single parent and always have been, her father has always refused to acknowledge her in any way. There is no one else that can help. It all just feels so overwhelming and I feel helpless.

I know it’s drastic but have you thought of actually selling up and moving yourself? Then you go to a one-bedroom flat where, sorry, there is no room for her any more. And help her with a deposit for her own place/house share.

I appreciate that is probably not realistic but I am in the same position as you and it’s the option I dream of!

It’s also not realistic for her to turn up at the council office and expect her to be housed. Plus she wouldn’t do it anyway. I do have a family member who had to do that and they were placed in a grotty hotel where it was not safe.

I do think you have to frame it as a positive move that is planned rather than ‘kicking her out.’

Well she would have no hope with the council if she's in London especially with no priority need even if the council did agree to house her (unlikely) in my borough of London she would be looking at 15 years but they have stopped housing non priority applicants.

Does she have a friend she can stay with or they can move in together?

I had similar with my son so I sold up and moved away. He is still a deadbeat just like his dad, and I don’t have much to do with him now as he is on a path of destruction that I can’t control. I can’t watch it so I had to move. It sounds a similar situation with you.

Thank you all for sharing your own stories and for the advice. She is on a zero hours contract and calls in sick/cancels shifts a lot so rarely earns more than £1k a month. Most of that is spent on nails, sun beds, lip filler and various other treatments, as well as weed and vapes. I thought if she presented as homeless at the council office she might be offered a room in a hostel? Is that completely unrealistic?

I live in social housing and couldn’t afford to move. I could give her some money for a deposit if she was earning enough to pay rent, so I will consider that. I like the idea of getting locks on my bedroom doors and keeping my toiletries etc in there, so thank you for that suggestion.

OP try not to engage in dramatic arguments with her. If she is being abusive towards you, your boundary is that you don’t allow yourself to be subjected to abuse and you leave the room / don’t engage with her. Afterwards you calmly restate that this is evidence of why she needs to live elsewhere and you will support her to do so - because your relationship is toxic and you both need some space from each other, despite loving each other as mother and daughter. Weed is still illegal in the U.K. so you can call the police to report her for possession - you can warn her in advance that you will do this because another boundary of yours is no cannabis in your house. Again this can all be done calmly in advance. Explain your boundaries and then follow through with minimum fuss.

Im not a parent of an adult DC but as someone who had a difficult time at that age (not to the extent of your DD) I think trying to chuck her out can only add fuel to the fire and other posters are right that the council is unlikely to help and private sector is probably not an option with her unstable income

it’s horrible the way she speaks to you OP and I’m sorry to hear about that. It’s clear the love is deep from you to her and that’s why you are finding this so hard. I think putting in house boundaries liked the locked toiletries idea you like is a really good idea, as are planting the seeds of living with a friend etc when the time is right

Hopefully sooner rather than later she will mellow out a bit and you can continue to have a relationship x

I agree with this. It's not like she'll be destitute.