How do you get an adult child to leave home?

[MummyInTheNecropolis]

I often see people on here advised to kick their kids out when their behaviour is unacceptable but realistically how do you do this when the child doesn’t have the resources to get a place of their own?

My DD is almost 19, and extremely abusive towards me. She’s making my life unbearable and my mental health is shot to pieces as a result. I’m certain that she has mental health issues but she refuses to engage with any services or seek any kind of help. I spent years going through CAMHS, social care, education welfare, various charities, anywhere that I could self refer to. The answer was always if she refused to engage then there’s nothing we can do.

She is an adult now so it’s even harder for me to access help for her when she refuses to engage. She self medicates with weed which she smokes in the house despite me telling her not to a million times. She leaves mess everywhere and refuses to lift a finger around the house. She has a decent job but won’t spend a penny on food or bills, that is all on me. She calls me a bitch and a cunt on a daily basis and will spend hours screaming in my face calling me the most horrendous names and telling me to kill myself.

I have told her she has to leave but she refuses and tells me I’m the one who has to go! The only way I could get her out would be to leave her stuff on the doorstep and change the locks but then what? Where will she go? I don’t think I could literally let her sleep on the streets, despite everything I do love her and want what’s best for her, I just can’t bear living with her.

I’m a single parent and always have been, her father has always refused to acknowledge her in any way. There is no one else that can help. It all just feels so overwhelming and I feel helpless.

My mum kicked me out at 16 she didn't care if I had the "resources" she told me to go to the council office.

Did the council house you? Did you manage to still have a relationship with your mother after that?

Yes they did but this was almost 20 years ago don't think they would be helping now but will perhaps help her with somewhere to private rent, a room in a house share? No I don't have a relationship with my mum but not because of that for many reasons she isn't a nice person. (She kicked all of her children out at 16 so not personal to me)

She can get a room in a shared house somewhere. I’d tell her she’s got a month to find somewhere then I’d be packing her stuff up and changing the locks. You can kick out your abuser - if she’s got a good job she will sort something out

I know it sounds harsh, but if she is being that mean to you and you have tried everything else. Then your only option is to literally throw her out, is there any other relative she could go to? It would be either that or the council, hopefully if would help her grow up a bit and she would at some.point come to her senses.

She has a good job and money. She won't starve. She'll crash in a hotel or at a friend's for a week or two and find a room somewhere.

Change the locks, stuff on doorstep. Never let her back in to your home. Only ever meet her in busy public places. Call the police if she harasses you.

Easier said than done perhaps, but I think you have to put yourself first now and kick her out. Locks changed, police informed - just do what it takes.

I don’t know if giving her a months notice would work - in your shoes I would worry that would tip her over the edge.

Well if she has a decent job she can afford a flatshare. Maybe living with others might be thr sharp education she needs as not many people would appreciate being called a cunt or having the place stink of weed.

Pack her stuff and take her down the council (write a letter telling them she's homeless and can't live with you) and in the short term they'll put her up in a B&B if she can't afford her own place.

If she can afford her own place then pack her shit, leave it in a safe place for her to collect and change the locks.

She's an adult.

She's abusing you.

You change the locks on your house and call the police if needs be to report it. Or try 101 online.

It's hard. No one denies that.

But you need to treat her as you would any adult or even a partner if they abused you the same way.

I would put together a list of advertised rooms and flats she could afford from her salary. If finances allow offer to book her a week in a local hotel or guest house, then put her stuff outside and change the locks. That would give her a week with a roof under her head to get sorted.

Sorry to hear how abusive she's being op. Tell her she has a month to find somewhere then change the locks. Do you have anyone who can hold your hand through this and back you up? Perhaps speak to social services or even get a solicitor's advice.

My DD was similar (but genuinely contrite between outbursts). She left of her own volition but kept coming back when things went wrong. She eventually got help for her mental health issues and is generally lovely now. Weed was a big problem.

There was a charity in our area which dealt with finding temporary accommodation for youngsters when family relationships had broken down. Failing that, give her notice and change the locks.

Easy to say, but you need to start putting yourself first. My mental health was destroyed, it was the hardest thing I've ever been through

Thank you all, lots to think about. I don’t mean to drip feed but I should’ve mentioned in my post that DD does have a history of suicide attempts, so I have the additional worry that throwing her out will result in her taking her own life, which of course adds to my reluctance.

There is no way she will willingly go to the council office, I have tried to persuade her and offered to go with her but she refuses. Says there is no way she’s living in a hostel or any kind of shared accommodation. I would have to force her hand.

@OnlyFrench do you have any further information about the charity you used? Thank you.

They’re called Nightstop.

I also had the suicide attempts 😢

Could you find her a room to rent and giver her the details. Telll her to go there and that you are evicting her You can get police back up if she won't go

Ok so my advice is in the context that you have mentioned suicide attempts.

Firstly you need to fix it so she wants to move out. The easiest way to do that is to talk about how great it would be to be independent, so every time she tells eg you about X, say wouldn't it be great to be in your own place so you didn't have to deal with X.

Then sit down and have a conversation. Along the lines of you're really doing well in your job and getting independent and then next stage which I want to help you with it's getting your own place.

Then you start researching where she might live. If she doesn't want a shared house then look at studios. Rightmove is good but stuff also comes up on open rent. Get a sense of how much it costs and what is available.

Can she afford a studio? They do tend to be more expensive than shared houses.

Then after the drip drip of this offer to start looking at places with her. Show her Rightmove, show her open rent. Maybe also spare room.com which is more of a lodger situation than a shared house.

With a bit of luck by this point she'll want to move out and see it as gaining her independence. Et voila!

Thank you again for the advice. To answer some questions, although she has a decent job it is not well paid and certainly wouldn’t be enough for her to rent a studio, not even enough to rent a room in our area (London). She couldn’t move further out and keep her job and it took her a very long time to get this job. She was a school refuser so has no qualifications and not a lot of experience. She got really lucky with this job.

She can’t afford a room in London? It’s £800 a month in rent for OK areas and even if she was on NMW, her take home would be £1.5K. She can afford it.

My son is in London and shared room is about 800 where he is and 1500 a studio.

Ok. So her moving out is going to be tricky.

But what you can do is protect yourself.

Put a bolt or a lock on your bedroom door. Then if she starts shouting at you just go in there and lock it down she can't come in.

Consistently say to her that that language is not acceptable and that you will not listen to it and remove yourself.

Re buying things: consider the bathroom a shared space. Put your toiletries etc in a bag and take them back to your bedroom if you are not in the bathroom.

You can get lockable storage boxes for your food etc which will mean she can't take it. Again, have a conversation first about how this is a step in the road to independence.

lockabox.com

My sister had the same problem with my niece. She’s also 19. My sister told her after yet another spat that she couldn’t live with her anymore. She is now renting a room in a house and my sister and bro in law have agreed to help her with her rent for the next year. Told her she has to make it work as she’s not coming back. They’ve changed the locks! They are all friends and my sister will visit her etc but tough love and letting them be adults is the only way

Ps my niece has also had suicide attempts. She is excited about her new place. My sister and bro I’m law bought her new bedding etc etc. be strong x

She may be able to claim universal credit if she’s over 18 but on a low income. There’s a housing element too so may be worth checking out if it facilitates her moving out. She may need to move out first though and then claim, I’m not sure…

My partners son is 25 and has been like this for years. It is blamed on trauma...which will have played a part...his mum died of a brain haemorrhage when he was 7. Partner was on his own for 6 years till I came along 12 years ago. I have 3 kids. My son and his were friends. His son is definitely On the spectrum but will never go and see someone about it. He is taking weed and coke. Eyes like saucers. He has set the garden on fire. He has told people I have cheated. He has stole food money and clothing. Expensive clothing. He pays for nothing yet empties the cupboards. He has broke the front door down smashed windows. Broke in. Stolen keys. He is fraudulently claiming carers allowance so UC will never ask him to look for a job. Hes working cash in hamd here and there. He turns up at 3am banging on the door for an hour. He has sold his dad's details to friends for dodgy car ownership twice. We all moved in in 2015 and had to move out again after 16 months ... but we are still hanging in there as we love each other very much. He calls his dad a fat cnt and says he wishes he was dead instead...and still his dad struggles with kicking him out. Until now. He asked me to marry him. We've been engaged 2 years. I said that's fine but as bad as it looks I will not move my daughter or myself into that situation again so i can wait. Last week my OH smashed his sons bed up and removed it from the house and said now we start decorating. His son was told. He has a girlfriend with her own flat. I felt a bit shit. Almost like I was making him choose. But after a trip to the doc who told him he was having panic attacks and anxiety, he is 57 already with heart issues, I think its finally hit his dad that this is a lost cause and he wants to put his own happiness first. We are getting married in october. I refuse to cut the son out because he will hopefully grow up eventually into a good person. They just can't live together. Sorry for the long post. But you aren't alone. And sometimes you really do have to think of your own life and happiness.
Edit.
Just to say aswell though the son has called me a slag and said bad things I refuse to let them estrange. I have offered to help with furniture and anything he needs help with in setting up somewhere to live. Cvs. Job searches. Negotiating rent. Speaking to the council. All of that. Nothing would give me greater pleasure than seeing him get on in life and doing well. He's pleasant to me to my face and came for Christmas dinner and said what a lovely time he had. Then 3 days later turned up thick of drugs shouting abuse. Slippery slope.

Says there is no way she’s living in a hostel or any kind of shared accommodation

And telling you to move out! Sorry but she sounds extremely entitled. Have you contributed to and enabled this?

Give her one month’s notice, if you can afford it £1k yo help with a deposit, and make sure you follow through.

The mental health problems may be real but she can manage to hold down a job.
Also mental health problems don’t necessitate the kind of abuse she is hurling at you. The suicide threat could be manipulation as well.