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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Where are my friends when I need them?

27 replies

Inthestillnessofremembering · 28/05/2024 00:36

I don't know if I'm letting things get to me because I'm an emotional wreck or my friends are really shitty.
My dad is dying. He's been poorly on and off for a few months with things looking bad and then getting better. It came to a head this week and we were told that the likelihood of him coming out this episode is slim.
I have a group chat of really close friends. Over the last few days, I've told them what's been going on. This morning we were called in to make sure we had seen him because things aren't looking great. I've not really been in the mood to talk today but for some reason, I feel put out that not a single one of them has reached out to see how I am or to see how he's doing. I haven't told them how much worse things have gotten today and they haven't asked. I need my friends to talk to but I just feel like they don't even care enough to even ask how things are. A few times I've gone in without being asked and explained what's going on, to very little or no reaction. This is why I don't feel like I can do that anymore. I feel like I'm being a burden by having these issues and just don't feel like I can talk to them anymore. I can't imagine a friend of mine going through what I am and me not reaching out to them. For all they know, he may have already passed as they knew it wasn't looking great.
I don't know if I'm just being overly sensitive but I really do need my friends.
Things to add. These friends are extremely close. We talk all day, every day on our chat. Most of us see each other 5 - 6 days a week.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 28/05/2024 00:48

I'm so sorry about your dad.

It's either one or two different things. They are either fairweather friends, or they have a very difficult time navigating someone else's grief. Death/impending death can be really hard to deal with for very many people, even when it's someone else going through it. They may be afraid of intruding or saying the wrong thing.

I don't know the exact answer, and I'm so sorry their lack of support is adding to your pain.

BruFord · 28/05/2024 00:54

I’m so sorry, OP.

Unfortunately, many people don’t know how to handle this type of situation and end up avoiding the affected person. I had the same experience when my Mum died, both DH’s family and several friends simply avoided me, because they didn’t know what to say. Whet they didn’t realize is that checking in with a “how are you?” would’ve been enough.

It was an important life lesson for me to never avoid or ignore people in this situation. Take care. 💐

NCGrandParent · 28/05/2024 00:54

How old are you all? Have any of them lost parents/ loved ones? My experience is that people who haven't been bereaved or cared for a dying loved one have no real insight. You need to let them know what you need. Unfortunately.

Babadook76 · 28/05/2024 00:56

They know you’re feeling awful and are struggling to navigate interactions with you as they’re not sure how you’re feeling at the time. If you’re not contacting them they’ll be assuming you want time and space to yourself. If you do contact them and don’t mention it they’ll not mention it either, as they’ll think you’re feeling a little more upbeat at the moment and not want to bring you back down, but trust me, they’ll be obsessing over whether they should be asking about him or not. If you mention it even slightly to any of them that you do actually want to talk about him then I almost guarantee that you’ll be bombarded with with messages about him. Don’t fall out with or alienate close friends as they don’t know what you need from them right now

Original poster
Inthestillnessofremembering · 28/05/2024 00:58

Aquamarine1029 · 28/05/2024 00:48

I'm so sorry about your dad.

It's either one or two different things. They are either fairweather friends, or they have a very difficult time navigating someone else's grief. Death/impending death can be really hard to deal with for very many people, even when it's someone else going through it. They may be afraid of intruding or saying the wrong thing.

I don't know the exact answer, and I'm so sorry their lack of support is adding to your pain.

Thank you. This was a really helpful comment. I didn't think they were fairweather friends at all, far from it and now I feel like I'm questioning that. It could be not knowing what to say. I think because I'm the kind of person that feels hurt quite easily by people's silence, I always like to make sure that people know they've been heard that that's perhaps why it feels more shocking and hurtful. A vicious cycle of my own feelings I guess. I feel so silly even worrying about things like this when I've got other things on my plate. But I feel like as much as I need my family, I also need people who aren't my family too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Inthestillnessofremembering · 28/05/2024 01:00

NCGrandParent · 28/05/2024 00:54

How old are you all? Have any of them lost parents/ loved ones? My experience is that people who haven't been bereaved or cared for a dying loved one have no real insight. You need to let them know what you need. Unfortunately.

We are all in our late 30s. Some have lost at least one parent, some have lost none at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Inthestillnessofremembering · 28/05/2024 01:04

BruFord · 28/05/2024 00:54

I’m so sorry, OP.

Unfortunately, many people don’t know how to handle this type of situation and end up avoiding the affected person. I had the same experience when my Mum died, both DH’s family and several friends simply avoided me, because they didn’t know what to say. Whet they didn’t realize is that checking in with a “how are you?” would’ve been enough.

It was an important life lesson for me to never avoid or ignore people in this situation. Take care. 💐

Very sorry for you loss.

Thank you for you comment. It's made me feel comfort in knowing my thoughts aren't irrational and I'm alone in the way I feel.

OP posts:
SuzySizzle · 28/05/2024 01:16

Sorry that you are having to go through this. I disagree with earlier posters. I suspect the main reason people aren't reaching out is because they think you have support with your family and because they think you don't need supporting just now. The fact you haven't told them how serious it is probably makes a difference too.
You are attributing their lack of contact to them not caring about you when you know that's not true. You know they like you and care for you. (I assume).

Eastie77Returns · 28/05/2024 01:17

I’m sorry you’re going through this.

You mentioned you haven’t told your friends that things have taken a turn for the worse and you haven’t communicated generally today as you understandably don’t feeling up to chatting. That being the case, I’m not sure they are being unfeeling. They might not want to intrude and assume your silence is due to the fact you are busy with your family.

Original poster
Inthestillnessofremembering · 28/05/2024 01:24

Thank you all for your replies. They do know how serious it has been and know we've been told that the likelihood of him making it though this is very low. I didn't want to give out too much information but this morning, the change was that they thought the end was imminent.
I think I am overthinking and that perhaps they don't want to intrude. I just wish someone would ask how I'm doing, you know? I just want to feel like someone cares.

OP posts:
SuzySizzle · 28/05/2024 01:27

I'd recommend letting your friends know that you would like some support. I bet they will be pleased that you asked. I bet you will feel better if you do. I hope so anyway. 💐

CurlyCabbage · 28/05/2024 01:41

I think you are all more similar than you think.

You are too nervous to tell them you need their support and they seem to be too worried to ask you.

just break the cycle of wondering and worrying and please just tell them you are struggling and need some support. What is the worst that will happen? They will ignore or decline your request?? Well at least you know to dump them and not torture yourself wondering.

All the best to you and your family through this awful time.

B1rd · 28/05/2024 01:55

I was the first person who had a parent die in our group. I don't think others can comprehend the enormity of what's happening in your life right now.

Sending hugs. It's awful what you're gong through x

Josette77 · 28/05/2024 02:37

I'm a big believer in letting people know what I need.

I don't really have family so my friends mean the world to me. I let them know when I'm upset and what I need. That way I feel supported, and they know what to do.

I think we all feel better then.

Southern68 · 28/05/2024 06:16

I'm so sorry, it's so hard dealing with the imminent loss of a parent.

I would reach out and tell them you're struggling.
Either they will give you the support and caring you need right now.
Or they will need some prompting that it's ok to ask about your father and ask how you are.
I'm betting they haven't known what to say for fear of upsetting you.
Sending you a hug x

DeadMabelle · 28/05/2024 07:27

Josette77 · 28/05/2024 02:37

I'm a big believer in letting people know what I need.

I don't really have family so my friends mean the world to me. I let them know when I'm upset and what I need. That way I feel supported, and they know what to do.

I think we all feel better then.

Absolutely this. Let people know what you need.

Windthebloodybobbinup · 28/05/2024 16:43

I've been through this too and it sounds like, if you are brave enough, that you need to tell them what you need. You'd be surprised at the assumptions people make o these situations like- oh she won't want to be bothered by messages- I'd say- hi everyone, things are not looking good for my dad. I'd really appreciate a virtual hug and check in from my besties x

BlueSkies81 · 28/05/2024 16:45

So sorry OP. I lost someone who I previously thought was a good friend when one of my parents was seriously ill. I know now that they probably didn’t know how to handle it, but it really stung at the time x

category12 · 28/05/2024 17:51

It's OK to be angry and upset, it's not fair and it's really sad this is happening to you and your family.

I think maybe you're directing the anger in the wrong place a bit.

They might be afraid to bring it up in case it upsets you (more) to talk about it. People get it wrong all the time, they're not mind-readers, and a lot of us are just shit at handling the big stuff.

Don't make any drastic decisions right now about your friendships.

I'm sorry you're going through this. 💐

Original poster
Inthestillnessofremembering · 28/05/2024 22:03

Thanks so much for the replies. It gave me so much to think about. It did send a message broaching the subject but no one replied, I just don't have it in me to carry on speaking to them at the moment. Much more on my mind.
Thanks again.

OP posts:
category12 · 29/05/2024 06:22

Sorry you didn't get a response. 🙁

TheTartfulLodger · 29/05/2024 09:45

This sort of thing reminds us of our own mortality and people can feel uncomfortable and it's also about knowing what to say, even friends can struggle. People tend to avoid these conversations and It can be a very lonely time. Have you reached out and specifically told one of them that you need someone to talk to about it because because you're finding it hard now? Sometimes we need to spell it out to people.

dudsville · 29/05/2024 10:11

You're going through such a tough time OP, and you've had some thoughtful replies here OP, the only thing I want to add is to give it time to consider later on. I had an eventful year last year, and 12 months on I am making changes in my friendship group as a result of the perspective I gained from it, and I say this as someone who doesn't find it helpful to talk with friends when I'm going through something. I have two close friends I might occassionally unload onto, but would never ring them up or arrange to meet so that I can do that - there's nothing wrong with it, it's just not how I process emotions generally, but they are amazing when I do lean on them. It was the process of going through such big events and seeing how others of my friends responded that prompted me to make some changes - people who I had considered a part of my "inner circle" as it were, are now more in the realm of "acquaintances", good people, I may bump in to them on occassion, but they are not confidantes and I won't make arrangments with them, and sadly I think I've been this for them and not realised it until now.

sunships · 29/05/2024 10:29

I've been through something similar. I never used to open up, I'd always pretend I was fine and paint a smile on. One day I was honest about my feelings, I deeply upset at the time after a long, protracted period of grief. The friend I opened up to told me she'd discussed it with the others and I should get a grip because another friend had lost their dad.

I left that group of friends to it. I'll never open up to anyone again.

Have you always been strong? I don't think people like it when you don't stay in the box they've put you in.

Lavenderblossoms · 29/05/2024 11:16

I'm sorry your friends haven't been there for you. And I'm also sorry about your dad. 💐