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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

it's all gone wrong again...

36 replies

ohdearohdear · 05/04/2008 17:29

dh and i have been going to counselling but stopped a few weekago as things seemed to be improving so much. today we were both stresssed as there were lots of things that needed doing. we were going to take ds out and dh had just put him in the carseat and i asked him why ds was standing on the path while he did the carseat (he'd always said he wants him inside when he does it incase he runs into the road) i complained about his inconsistency and then h flounced off inside (he was supposed to tbe coming out with us) syaing "you look after him then" (ds). so took ds out on my own. Ever since we've had ds (he's now 2) if h is annoyed with me , he tells me to look after him. It's only happend a few times (maybe 4 or 5) but i hate his rejection of his son, just because he's angry with me. We have discussed this atht he counselling and until now ds has been too young to understand. Today he looked really worried when he heard we were annoyed and i don't wany him growing up thinking that daddy will reject him everytime h and I are stressed. In most ways he's really good with him and he looking aftert him now and and been since i got back. we were supposed ot be going out for dinner tonight but i cancelled the baysitter as i really don't feel i could bear to be out with him tonight. I'm really wondering if i should stay with him?... Any advice or opinions would be really appreciated. Thanks

OP posts:
BreeVanDerCampLGJ · 05/04/2008 17:32

Was it really necessacary for you to commnent and in front of your child ?

Cancelling the babysitter is in my opinion, childish. It would have been a good opportunity to talk without shouting.

NotABanana · 05/04/2008 17:34

It seems an over reaction to consider splitting up. Your husband told you to look after your son yourself as he felt you were criticising him doing it.

moopymoo · 05/04/2008 17:36

If you really want my opinion it sounds like you started this particular row and need to examine your own behaviour. Children are stressful and I do this kind of thing myself - prolong rows and blow things up because i feel generally disgruntled. You perhaps need to learn to pick your battles look at thebiggerpicture sometimes.

moopymoo · 05/04/2008 17:38

reading your post again and at the risk of sounding very judgy but i have to say - i behave like you did today when i have pms.

lilyloo · 05/04/2008 17:41

Am guessing as you have been having counselling things are rocky at the moment. In this case maybe it is better to think about what issues are really worth arguing over. IMO if this really bothered you ou should have spoken about it afterwards. I would see if the sitter could sit so you caould go out and talk.
Sometimes men just aren't good at criticism so they flounce.I wouldn't really take this as a rejection of your son.

Original poster
ohdearohdear · 05/04/2008 17:42

sort of wish i hadn't cancelled the baysitter now. surely ds shouldnt have to put up with being rejected by dh eveytime dh and i are annoyed with eachother. Think we need to go back to the counsellor. we even had sex a couple of weeks ago for the first time in 9 months as we thought things were getting better. i wish we hadn't now

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mydhissocute · 05/04/2008 17:46

Ask yourself how much fun you are to be around.

Have you developed a parent-child relationship with your dh instead of a adult-adult relationship?

Call the babysitter and go out. Be nice. Have a good grown up night out.

lilyloo · 05/04/2008 17:46

You say it's only happened a few times, think it may not be a rejection of his son but more a reaction to your criticism. I.e you do it if i'm not good enough iyswim.
Why do you wish you hadn't had the sex now ? Not sure how that relates.

BreeVanDerCampLGJ · 05/04/2008 17:46

He wasn't rejecting your son, he was rejecting your company and it was probably a defence mechanism because he did not want to be criticised any further.

mydhissocute · 05/04/2008 17:47

I think that the rejection of your ds is a bit of a red herring tbh.

moopymoo · 05/04/2008 17:47

im not really sure about your dh saying 'oh ffs you look after him then' is in actual fact a rejection of your son, more your dh being frustrated? If it was him saying directly to your son ' i dont want you now' then that is different. you do sound quite low and stuck in a bit of a rowing routine.

BreeVanDerCampLGJ · 05/04/2008 17:48

Spooky Lilyloo

NotQuiteCockney · 05/04/2008 18:21

Hmmm, I don't think relationships get 'fixed' in the way you seem to think they do. I mean, things improve, they backslide a bit, they improve some more, etc etc. If you see any sign of backsliding as 'things are just totally wrong' then how will you cope in future? Every couple has disputes sometimes ...

NotQuiteCockney · 05/04/2008 18:23

He did reject you a bit, after you were critical of him. So now you regret having sex with him and have cancelled a night out. Are you making sure you reject him more than he rejects you, hurting him before he hurts you, to protect yourself?

Original poster
ohdearohdear · 05/04/2008 18:25

Thanks everyone. We've had a chat and i've called the babysitter and we're still going out later. Thanks so much everyone!

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NotABanana · 05/04/2008 18:26

What was said?

Original poster
ohdearohdear · 05/04/2008 19:01

talked about fact that we'd bioth been stressed with having alot to do - i felt he was being thoughless and he felt he was being bossed around. said i didn't want things to fall apart and no does he

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NotABanana · 05/04/2008 19:35

have a good evening

I so wish hubby and I were gooing out for dinner

lilyloo · 05/04/2008 19:45

Have a good night , kids and stress ona relationship who'd have thought it eh
Happens to us all

Original poster
ohdearohdear · 06/04/2008 10:41

Thanks everyone. we had a a good time - what happened earlier did come up while we were out and we got a bit stresses but only for a few minutes. Overall i'm really pleased we went out and thanks agian for all your comments - mumsnet is so helpful!

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Original poster
ohdearohdear · 06/04/2008 21:23

felling a bit sad about yesterday again. wish dh wouldn't shout in front of ds. does everyone else manage to shield their little ones from rows?

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Original poster
ohdearohdear · 06/04/2008 21:36

bump

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Original poster
ohdearohdear · 06/04/2008 22:00

anyone there?

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NotQuiteCockney · 07/04/2008 07:16

I don't think little ones should necessarily be shielded entirely from rows. It's normal to have arguments with your partner. Ok, it's better if you don't actually shout at each other, and if you actually deal with it, but I wouldn't stay up nights worrying about this.

Original poster
ohdearohdear · 07/04/2008 08:15

Thanks, yes it know it's normal to have arguments sometimes, but i just feel it can't be good for little ones to hear shouting and unkind things being said. ds didn;t cry when he hard it, but he did go quiet and looked worried

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