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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

it's all gone wrong again...

36 replies

ohdearohdear · 05/04/2008 17:29

dh and i have been going to counselling but stopped a few weekago as things seemed to be improving so much. today we were both stresssed as there were lots of things that needed doing. we were going to take ds out and dh had just put him in the carseat and i asked him why ds was standing on the path while he did the carseat (he'd always said he wants him inside when he does it incase he runs into the road) i complained about his inconsistency and then h flounced off inside (he was supposed to tbe coming out with us) syaing "you look after him then" (ds). so took ds out on my own. Ever since we've had ds (he's now 2) if h is annoyed with me , he tells me to look after him. It's only happend a few times (maybe 4 or 5) but i hate his rejection of his son, just because he's angry with me. We have discussed this atht he counselling and until now ds has been too young to understand. Today he looked really worried when he heard we were annoyed and i don't wany him growing up thinking that daddy will reject him everytime h and I are stressed. In most ways he's really good with him and he looking aftert him now and and been since i got back. we were supposed ot be going out for dinner tonight but i cancelled the baysitter as i really don't feel i could bear to be out with him tonight. I'm really wondering if i should stay with him?... Any advice or opinions would be really appreciated. Thanks

OP posts:
Miaou · 07/04/2008 08:16

God no, we often shout in front of the kids. My parents never raised their voices in front of us, except once when I was about 12, and it came as a terrible shock and really really upset me. We have made a point of getting mad with each other in front of the kids - it helps them to see it is normal! We also make sure that if we are mad with each other then we are still nice to the kids and not mad with everyone (or if we are angry with one of the children then the others don't get it in the neck!). We tend to shout, then talk, then it's done with very quickly. Much better than sulking about it and snapping at everyone (which, I came to realise, is what my parents did!)

NotQuiteCockney · 07/04/2008 08:18

I do think it might be sensible for you two to both go back to counselling - you're still struggling a bit, and more help might get things on a more solid footing.

flight · 07/04/2008 08:19

You sound like you have lost a lot of respect for DH?

That's hard to repair.

Not wanting to be around him is not a good sign. I think you sound like a good mum for not wanting your child to witness arguments and so on.

I think maybe it might be time to think about whether you can see yourself still with DH in a year or two's time.

flight · 07/04/2008 08:21

Sorry that sounded a bit drastic.

I can't see what the relationship is like, I might be completely wrong!

Original poster
ohdearohdear · 07/04/2008 08:33

Thanks, i'm not ruling out going back to counselling but agreed to see how we go on out own for a while. . flight you think i should consider leaving him for this?

OP posts:
LIZS · 07/04/2008 08:39

Perhaps it isn't so much his rejection of your son as a feeling that he cannot do anything right in your eyes so why bother ? Do you criticise how he handles even minor things and step in to take over ? Are you perhaps a little over protective ? Do you allow him time exclusively with ds and the opportunity to make the same mistakes you have learnt from ?

Original poster
ohdearohdear · 07/04/2008 09:16

Hi, yes he has time exclusively with ds for a few hours most weekends and i'm fine with that and so is he. I hardly ever step in to take over

OP posts:
charitygirl · 07/04/2008 10:37

Slightly OT, but the research shows it is beneficial for children to witness conflict (disagreement, shouting - not hitting obviously) so long as there is no massive imbalance of power, and they also see the conflict being resolved.

flight · 07/04/2008 12:27

No, I am so sorry, my post was completely nonsensical really, I had skimmed the thread in a half asleep way and missed some of the important bits, I am an idiot today, ignore me
Sorry

flight · 07/04/2008 12:29

It was just the bit where you said you wondered if you should stay with him in the OP, and then saying you didn't want to be near him for your evening out.

I kind of took those points and made a judgment that probably wasn't very sound.

Original poster
ohdearohdear · 07/04/2008 22:42

thanks, i feel a bit better about it now

OP posts:
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