Red flags for anger issues/controlling behaviour

[TellMeTheTruthAmigo]

Just that..can anyone share any red flags they experienced early on in a relationship with a man that turned out to have anger issues, and possibly controlling issues too.

Thank you.

Love-bombing, nice turns into too keen, little presents just because, insisting on paying for stuff. Then it can change to "look at what I've done for you, you should do x,y,z in return, even if you'd rather not". Odd behaviour after you've been on a night out with your mates.

Drives like an arse.

Love bombing - too much too soon.

Thanks. Interested in hearing more about the driving issue.

No or very few friends. An ex wife or girlfriend that he doesn’t have a reasonable relationship with. Drinking alcohol daily. Measuring things as equal, like as previous poster said about ‘I’ve done x so you should do y’.

The biggest red flag is love bombing. When a guy puts you on a pedestal it’s not normal. A relationship needs to grow and it’s not normal to be moving through the stages so quickly, especially if they have children.

"Crazy" exes.

Thanks.

I think I’m in one and here are things I believe are signs from experience;

• when he goes through any inconvenience, he makes such a huge deal that I ‘come to the rescue’. Then, if I ever don’t do the rescuing, I’m not supportive enough, not a good enough partner etc
• drives like a maniac when the driving is for ‘my sake’ I.e picking me up, going somewhere I want to go
• blackmail - if I don’t marry him in the time frame he wants, he’ll leave me
• Telling me I can’t just do ‘xyz’ and not expect there to be consequences. That I don’t realise how bad the decisions I make are (usually when I say no to something he wants)
• Acting out before I have an event that isn’t about him - a friend’s wedding, any social gathering with my family or friends, my birthday

sorry I know this is quite specific to my own experience but I hope it helps should any of it feel similar x

Definitely this.

"You're not like other women"
He hates women, he wants you to ignore your natural instints to please him and ignore his abusive behaviour.

Oh yes, spoiling special occasions/sabotaging you - like picking a fight the night before you have an interview, or taking offence about something and ruining your birthday etc.

Aggressive driving.

"Crazy" exes my exes ex "tried to kill him in his sleep" now I'm out the fog I can see his injury is clearly a defensive wound, not an attack on a stationary, sleeping person.

Definitely love bombing and crazy exes (couldn't wait to tell all and sundry about his crazy ex within minutes of meeting them). How he was with his parents should have been a red flag to me too, he was plain rude to them. These were my earliest signs.

Aggressive driving.
Driving to intimidate passenger.
Enjoying passenger's discomfort.
Driving "correctly" but in an exaggerated way to show their superiority over the person who has made a mistake. This is hard to explain.

How about getting scarily angry about taking a few wrong turns?

Aggressive driving! And lots of swearing at all of the other drivers on the road.

Constantly finding yourself on the back foot; being berated for something that, even if you know you're in the right, you can't defend yourself because he constantly pushes back at you. It's hard to explain but it feels like you're being being backed into a corner, even if nothing else physical is happening.

Using his voice, body language, and (if appropriate) size to intimidate you. Doesn't have to be yelling, it can be words, tone of voice. My therapist introduced to me to 'hot rage' and 'cold rage' which I found helpful to understand my experiences.

If you find yourself constantly on edge / with that 'walking on eggshells' feelings, even (and actually especially) when he seems to be being perfectly nice, that's a massive red flag that your body and mind has started to internalise all of this.

I constantly do little present or acts of love, I thought it was a good thing. Sometimes silly things like turning up with a bag of revels or a can of coke (as she doesn’t often buy it). Flowers at random times, I just thought it was romantic and not something sinister?

Yes. Lots of swearing at other drivers on the road. Complaining about bad service in restaurants that really isn't bad. Pointing out repeatedly minor things that I have done because I haven't done them they way he would. Dismissing things that I would like to do for things he would prefer.

Yeah, that sounds like several red flags.

My favourites:
-Crazy ex (you will joing the circus one day)
-No one understands me attitude (ofc as he is delusional)
-Fights before or at your big events (it has to be about him)
-Obsessed with goint through your phone or stuff (paranoid or cheating and affraid you are doing the same)
-Constant breakups and expectations of you fixing things (wants abnormal level of drama to feel wanted)
-Complaining about bizarre shit about you (picking up fights njst to get a reaction, see above)
-Breaking up agreements and plans (does not respect you)
-Complaining about you to people (as a way of isolating you from support network)
And my personal favourite - lying and getting all pissy when caught expecting you to pretend his shit is the law.

Run to the hills, run for your life.

Thanks.

• He had harassment and abuse charges from the ex.
• He informed my on our first date how he’s been “abused” by women all his life.
• very bad relationship with his mother, has little respect for her.
• Called me a narcissist on our second date because I asked to change the time when we were supposed to meet.
• Flirting with the waitress on second date to prove me “something “.
• Told me he had been ghosted several times by women.

This man had more red flags than a commie parade, I’m still in shock I dated him for Two months 🥵

Grateful for any more replies.

I could have written this myself about my ex!

I find myself over explaining things to him because I am anticipating things that may annoy him.

Yes! Constantly! Or not fully telling all the details to avoid the anger.

I booked a holiday for me and my kids, I booked to go Sunday to Thursday as it worked best for me, I spent 2 months worrying how I was going to tell him that I wouldn’t have been able to see him on the Sunday, knowing that he would sulk or strop about it. He also knew I’d booked a holiday but not once asked me where I was going.