Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband called me horrible names but said it was just a mistake

35 replies

ConfusedAndEvenMoreConfused · 27/05/2024 12:36

Hello,

I'm not sure what to think. First time posting. I know my husband was wrong calling me names but he seems to think it was just a mistake and I should just get over it.

He said that his mum hates me because she can see right through me. He said I didn't stay in my last job because everyone hated me and could see right through me.

He called me a knob, a fucking bitch, a frigid bitch, useless, said I bring nothing to the relationship. He said that he's going to leave me, that I will have to fight for custody. He told me that my whole life will come crashing down around me.

During this argument, I just kept repeating "Stop it, stop insulting me, stop it", every time he called me names. He often does this, so I got my phone and started recording the conversation just so I can remember because often after he will be nice, or maybe just normal, I'm not sure what normal is?

He stayed away for a week after that argument and signed up to an online dating app. He then came back after a week, and said that he was sorry but finds me difficult.

This happened a month ago. I had told him before that I will not accept him speaking / shouting at me like that. Previously he has punched two holes in the bedroom wall when I said I didn't want to have sex with him, and he hit the car door once when i was driving because he didn't like what I was saying.

For the last month, since the last argument, I have refused to let him kiss me, go anywhere near me etc... I do not want to be anywhere near him. We both own the house and I cannot leave. I am saving up money so I can leave.

Last night he told me that I have been punishing him for the last month and that he had only just insulted me once and it was just a mistake. I said no it wasn't just once and I said I recorded it and he was outraged that I recorded it but didn't seem to care about all the name calling???

How can I make it through the next months without feeling I am going absolutely crazy??? Surely insulting your own wife and mother of your children is not just a mistake?

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 27/05/2024 12:39

Thank GOD you have realised that this is not normal and that he is a vile abusive horror of a man you need to get away from as fast as you possibly can.

We can help you.

Can you give us more details about children, work, finances?

Shouldbedoing · 27/05/2024 12:40

File for divorce and if he does any wall punching, call the police. Once you are separated, even under the same roof, you can apply for benefits that might enable you to leave sooner. You must not cook, shop, sleep together or do his laundry. You are separated. He's awful, and it was no mistake.

Beautifulbythebay · 27/05/2024 12:41

You must end the relationship.. You will manage more than fine without him.

happystory · 27/05/2024 12:43

You do not have to put up with this.

Shouldbedoing · 27/05/2024 12:44

Don't tell him anything you are planning. He is definitely not your friend. You need to 'get your ducks in a row' by finding out about your finances, his earnings, savings, debts, pension, mortgage status. The threat of a custody battle is bull shit. As if a man like that wants to bother himself with full-time childcare.

AGlinnerOfHope · 27/05/2024 12:44

I think you need advice- his behaviour sounds dangerous. Be careful as you gather what you need to leave.

PickAChew · 27/05/2024 12:46

It is a mistake but it's one he is in control of. He is abusive and you need to leave him as soon as you are able before he punches you, not the wall.

ConfusedAndEvenMoreConfused · 27/05/2024 12:48

Thank you all for your replies. I have thought about going to the police but I don't want to put my children through that. What frustrates me the most is that it all seems like nothing to him, and he appears so nice to everyone.

It was so nice and calm when he was gone. Everything seemed easier.

I work full time and have always worked even when he would have preferred me to stay home.

We don't really have joint finances. We pay the mortgage together and I pay for most / all of the shopping + kids stuff, and he says the other bills. He does earn significantly more than me but i don't know how much and i have no access to any savings account so I have no idea about that.

I don't want to leave the house because I don't want to disrupt the kids. I have contacted a lawyer and I am hoping we me and the kids can stay in the house whilst it's for sale.

OP posts:
ConfusedAndEvenMoreConfused · 27/05/2024 12:49

Thank you all for your replies. I have thought about going to the police but I don't want to put my children through that. What frustrates me the most is that it all seems like nothing to him, and he appears so nice to everyone.

It was so nice and calm when he was gone. Everything seemed easier.

I work full time and have always worked even when he would have preferred me to stay home.

We don't really have joint finances. We pay the mortgage together and I pay for most / all of the shopping + kids stuff, and he says the other bills. He does earn significantly more than me but i don't know how much and i have no access to any savings account so I have no idea about that.

I don't want to leave the house because I don't want to disrupt the kids. I have contacted a lawyer and I am hoping we me and the kids can stay in the house whilst it's for sale.

OP posts:
TheLoudLeader · 27/05/2024 12:50

Has he ever hit you ?

Also why move out for a week, sign up to a dating site and then come back. Clearly he didn’t get what he was after. He sounds awful, it’s not okay to treat people like this. I’d start a planning your exit, or if have anywhere to go move out yourself for a few days and get some head space

arethereanyleftatall · 27/05/2024 12:52

Can you covertly find out what he earns? Self employed or employed?

That will enable you to find out what he will need to pay in child maintenance.

Put all your income in the government calculator, you might be entitled to UC too.

Is that enough for you to pay the mortgage on your own?

ConfusedAndEvenMoreConfused · 27/05/2024 12:52

No he has never hit me. I have always said to myself that if he hits me, I am out of the house with the kids straight away.

I just need to focus on my sanity while I live in the same house as him. Have any of you been in the same situation, getting your ducks in a row, waiting to leave? How did you cope?

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 27/05/2024 12:53

When/if it comes down to it, leaving the house will be a tiny price to get yourself and your children away from this abusive violent man.

GrumpyPanda · 27/05/2024 12:56

Please do go to the police, if only for advice and to get his behaviour on record. Also good to have them forewarned as his anger may well escalate if you start the separation process. The kids don't have to know about it at this stage.

ConfusedAndEvenMoreConfused · 27/05/2024 12:56

I'm really hoping that he will leave first.

I don't want to disrupt the kids before the end of the school year. And I'm hoping I'll have enough to leave by the summer.

I won't have enough to cover the mortgage on my own. But that's okay. I'll rent nearby, I have already starting looking.

OP posts:
Olivia2495 · 27/05/2024 13:56

Speak to women’s aid. They will be able to recommend lawyers who specialise in abuse. You might get legal aid too. Ask about an occupation order to get him out of the house.

Ring the police next time he abuses you.

Lifelong · 27/05/2024 14:33

OP, contact Women's aid. Send that recording to someone you trust. Please contact the police. He is a deeply unhinged dangerous man. Do not underestimate him. Please log your house and number with the police. You could have him removed from the house because of his violence. Punching holes, the car when driving is domestic violence and abuse. Please contact the police for help.

category12 · 27/05/2024 14:34

Split up with him, he's awful.

TomatoSandwiches · 27/05/2024 14:40

If he starts punching walls op you absolutely must phone the police, they will arrest him and remove him from the house.
If your children end up with a violent partner would you want them to put up with it or report it immediately?
You need to be an example, phone the police if he does this again.

PTSDBarbiegirl · 27/05/2024 14:45

See a lawyer on your own and follow their advice. Get rid, it will never ever change and you could be killed ultimately. The realisation my ex was going to kill me was what woke me up from the hoping stage of abusive DV.

ginasevern · 27/05/2024 15:10

OP, please take everyone's advice. You are dealing with a dangerous man - possibly even schizophrenic. My son is and I recognise some of the signs. Call the police. Your children will be more disrupted if he kills or seriously injuries you.

ohyesido · 27/05/2024 17:15

He has no right to treat you like this and it will only escalate.

Echobelly · 27/05/2024 17:29

He sounds like an emotionally abusive piece of shit, to be honest.

Worse than the swearing is the implying you're a horrible person who other people hate - that is incredibly cruel and very deliberately aimed at making you doubt yourself so that you don't leave him because he's making out he's the only person who will 'tolerate' you.

Also, ignore him when he says splitting will destroy your life, he'll get this kids etc. These men always say this and they haven't the slightest intention of having full custody of the kids, they have every intention of waltzing off with another woman and not bothering with them; the courts have seen it all before and they know it's bullshit.

ConfusedAndEvenMoreConfused · 27/05/2024 20:28

Thank you all so much for your advice.

He has told me many times that I am a horrible person, and many other insults.

Appointment with my lawyer is on Friday. And I not saying anything to him.

I have also started to tell a couple of friends what has been going, so I have a place to go to quickly with the kids if I need to.

I am just going to ignore what he says, I think he's just trying to get a reaction out of me now.

OP posts:
PickAChew · 27/05/2024 21:09

Yes, you very much need to grey rock him until you are ready to get rid. Don't give him any inkling of plans or any emotional reaction.

Swipe left for the next trending thread