Husband called me horrible names but said it was just a mistake

[ConfusedAndEvenMoreConfused]

Hello,

I'm not sure what to think. First time posting. I know my husband was wrong calling me names but he seems to think it was just a mistake and I should just get over it.

He said that his mum hates me because she can see right through me. He said I didn't stay in my last job because everyone hated me and could see right through me.

He called me a knob, a fucking bitch, a frigid bitch, useless, said I bring nothing to the relationship. He said that he's going to leave me, that I will have to fight for custody. He told me that my whole life will come crashing down around me.

During this argument, I just kept repeating "Stop it, stop insulting me, stop it", every time he called me names. He often does this, so I got my phone and started recording the conversation just so I can remember because often after he will be nice, or maybe just normal, I'm not sure what normal is?

He stayed away for a week after that argument and signed up to an online dating app. He then came back after a week, and said that he was sorry but finds me difficult.

This happened a month ago. I had told him before that I will not accept him speaking / shouting at me like that. Previously he has punched two holes in the bedroom wall when I said I didn't want to have sex with him, and he hit the car door once when i was driving because he didn't like what I was saying.

For the last month, since the last argument, I have refused to let him kiss me, go anywhere near me etc... I do not want to be anywhere near him. We both own the house and I cannot leave. I am saving up money so I can leave.

Last night he told me that I have been punishing him for the last month and that he had only just insulted me once and it was just a mistake. I said no it wasn't just once and I said I recorded it and he was outraged that I recorded it but didn't seem to care about all the name calling???

How can I make it through the next months without feeling I am going absolutely crazy??? Surely insulting your own wife and mother of your children is not just a mistake?

Please gather all important papers, photos and memories together and get the out of the house.
Things that are important to your children.
Gather them and leave everything you would want in a fire with friends.... BEFORE you give him a hint of what you are planning.
Get AHEAD of him.
You can do this.

LTB. You deserve better.

From a woman who stayed 'for the children's. They saw and heard and logged it all. Accepted it as 'normal'. When he left it took a lot of therapy and I would say they still bear the scars even now as young adults neither are in relationships from choice.

You are doing them a terrible disservice by staying and letting them see him abuse you. Please dont make my mistake. A smaller, happier more modest home without domestic violence in it is far better for them. Trust me. I regret the scars my children/ now adults carry. The damage done to them I didnt consider at the time. I thought I'd conceal it from them, but they do see and hear and feel the results. Please get some help and leave, if not for you, for them.
Survive this and show them the strength you really do have.

Keep saving OP and get out of there as quickly as you can. His words are so ugly and they are a reflection on him not you. Please try not to let him deny your confidence or sense of who you are.

Can you take a day off work to rummaged through you husbands paperwork? Ideally you need his bank statements, payslips, P60, pension details etc. Also, dig out yours and the kids birth certs and passports and your marriage certificate.

I think he is confusing ‘mistake’ with accident. I have made many mistakes in my life - some of them serious. But the actions involved in making those mistakes were things I did deliberately. They weren’t accidental. Didn’t stop them being mistakes but they were things I did and that’s the point.

So yes, in one sense he’s right - behaving so nastily was a mistake. It was the wrong thing to do. But he did it deliberately; he chose to say really vile things to you and terrorise you by punching walls and car doors. And he spoke words that showed real contempt for you as a person.

Do not discuss it further. Concentrate on getting your stuff together so you can get out.

This is right. OP, please contact women’s aid. Make sure other people hear the recording and know he is unstable. And please don’t think you’ll be disrupting the children — they are far worse off living with this abusive man.

I got a separate bank account and arranged to move out. Your children are walking on eggshells around this behaviour. He sounds dangerous and it’s only a matter of time before he is violent, so you need to be ready to move out. Contact Women’s Aid for support.

I would speak to a domestic abuse charity for some advice. And because things can escalate when people leave.

Even though he hasn’t hit you yet you definitely need to prepare for him to potentially be violent when you do leave or if he finds out about your plans so telling close friends or family and having someone there to help when you leave is so important. Set yourself a mental date / deadline and count down the days to get through the waiting / keep you focused on what you need to do to prepare first. Definitely worth speaking to a women’s aid group as well - they may be able to help you with your own mental health during this period, as well as finding ways to accelerate seperating from him by having him removed from the house you are currently in and get him paying temporary maintenance, at least during your separation and until you come to a full financial settlement. In terms of understanding what he makes, many jobs in larger companies you can guess the typical salary relatively accurately from similar job postings online and matching tenure / expertise.