Friend told me I’m too short tempered and am risking my relationship

[BigPandaTinyDragon]

My best friend said this to me, it was well-meant but really hurt - I’m aware I can be quite irritable these days but I only see her a few times a year so I’m not sure how she can comment.

It has made me think though, I’ve had a lot of stress recently - lost 2 close relatives then my partner had a cancer scare - and I am also menopause age. I find it’s made me increasingly intolerant but also, after years of taking shit from other people I’m finally putting some boundaries in place and standing up for myself. I wonder if my friend just doesn’t like that I now speak my mind and say no to things I don’t want to do.

My partner doesn’t see it as a problem but he is the complete opposite, very chilled and easy going and I don’t want to inadvertently walk all over him without realising.

My short temper does bother me at times but it’s not like I’m yelling at people all over the place - I just get frustrated by inconsideration or people telling me what to do - my mother is very controlling and I think deep down it’s a reaction to that.

Does anyone else feel like this in middle age/stressful times or have I really got a problem?

you see your best friend a “couple of times a year”?

and why would she lie about this OP?

what was the context of the conversation?

If you only see your friend a few times a year your irritability will be more noticeable to her, whereas, to you, it's built up over time and become your normal.

See it as a positive to have a look at what things you can do to manage it better.

And yes, stress is part of life, whatever stage you're at, so learning to manage it is a healthy thing.

Sounds like you have a good friend there - not everyone would be brave enough to tell someone something like that and the fact that she has shows she's concerned about this change (that she's noticed) in you.

Yes she lives a couple of hours away, maybe more than a couple over the whole year but this year I’ve seen her twice so far and we text in between.

With the greatest respect it doesn’t really sound like you actually care how this is affecting other people.

Are you sure your partner is chilled and just hasn’t shut down. I’m really sorry you’ve been through some shit but it’s just not ok to take your anger out on people.

What are you asking, you know you’re irritable and short tempered, so clearly she’s not lying. And no of course it’s not a middle aged thing, how utterly ridiculous.

My immediate thought is that you may have spent a good deal of the conversation ranting about annoyances?
That's not a critique - you have had a tough time of it, and it is normal to get more annoyed by things when you are already having a tough time. And sometimes people take a 30 minute snapshot as an indicator of what you are like all the time, mistakenly.

I love that you say you are putting in boundaries, as I think women are SO socialised to keep the peace. So I initially read you saying you got annoyed by your own short temper as a by product of the conditioning you will have had as a woman throughout your life to be 'nice'.
But I think it's great you are looking at it objectively - can you give some examples of times where you have been frustrated with your own short temper?

Exactly that. And yes, a friend who's worried about your stress levels, the effect they're having on your behaviour, and the possible results of that behaviour and who isn't afraid to tell you, is worth her weight in gold.

A colleague once had that chat with me. It was a shock, but it wasn't long before I very much appreciated someone telling me how I was coming across, but also with genuine concern for my wellbeing.

My immediate thought is that you may have spent a good deal of the conversation ranting about annoyances?
That's not a critique - you have had a tough time of it, and it is normal to get more annoyed by things when you are already having a tough time. And sometimes people take a 30 minute snapshot as an indicator of what you are like all the time, mistakenly.

I came on to say exactly this!

I wonder if my friend just doesn’t like that I now speak my mind and say no to things I don’t want to do.

you hardly see each other so are your messages / tel cons full of you venting?

how did this come up? in what context?

You can put boundaries in place without losing your temperature, there is a difference between assertiveness & aggression. It seems that you need external help you with this. Your partner might prefer to keep quiet to avoid an altercation as you seem t9 dislike difference of opinions.

It isn't OK to take out your frustrations on other people. If your friend, who doesn't see you very often, gets the impression you're angry and short-tempered, how must if feel for the people who spend lots of time with you?

I've heard before - usually middle aged and older people - saying how they're just going to speak their mind from hereon / going to say it how it is / not going to tread so carefully and be polite anymore. And my heart always sinks. Age isn't an excuse to be rude and hurtful to other people.

Yes you can have 'boundaries'. But so can the people around you. And they deserve not to be snapped at and to have to deal with all your frustrations. They will usually frustrations of their own, but they're dealing with them without taking it out on you.

There's a big difference between holding boundaries and having a short temper. "Speak my mind" is pretty much always code for "be a bitch".

Lots of useful questions ^

It doesn’t sound like she was being mean. It does sound like she was telling you something you need to be aware of. You admit to being snappy, are you okay with that? Do you accept that behaviour from other people or does it only go one way?

Everyone has stuff going on and we’re all getting older. It’s a choice to decide to be miserable to be around, to take a glass half empty approach, to be a my way or the high way type.

I anticipate a drip feed where she’s been incredibly unreasonable and you’re a hero speaking your truth. But you’ve got a chance here to explore a bit of self reflection, take it or not, up to you.

I've had similar.
I was a people pleaser and "anything for a quiet life" type.
I've begun putting boundaries in place and standing up for myself and saying no.
I have a friend who likes my subservience and has told me I'm now becoming rude and intolerable.

I have a therapist who helped me see that maybe that friendship wasn't benefiting me at all.

Could this be the case OP?

I used to have a friend who prided herself on “ speaking her mind”. After one hurtful comment too far ( about one of my DC) I tried to explain how upset I was she shrugged and claimed she “ says it as it is .”
She is no longer a friend .

Read your text messages to her. Are they full of annoyances and make you seem short tempered too?

Putting boundaries in place is one thing but being constantly short tempered is something else.

She's a good friend.

Was she saying this after witnessing an exchange between you and your husband?

Boundaries and being snappy are two entirely different things. People with boundaries are often less snappy because they have them.

A lot of people have a boundary about being spoken to disrespectfully and it sounds like she thinks you're over stepping.

I think it’s more that I gave her some (asked for) advice about her own relationship which she’s chosen not to take. It felt like she was diverting from that by pointing out my shortcomings.

@steamedisbest no I agree with that, I hate people saying that sort of thing but I don’t, it’s more I’ve put boundaries in place in my head - or am trying to.

@Catchlock she is a very good friend but yes I think there’s an element of this.

Find a way to address your stress and how you react to it. Putting boundaries in place will not accomplish this. Deal with the root cause of the stress or find ways of accepting that you can't have your own way all of the time. Learn how to discuss calmly instead of snapping.