Friend told me I’m too short tempered and am risking my relationship

[BigPandaTinyDragon]

My best friend said this to me, it was well-meant but really hurt - I’m aware I can be quite irritable these days but I only see her a few times a year so I’m not sure how she can comment.

It has made me think though, I’ve had a lot of stress recently - lost 2 close relatives then my partner had a cancer scare - and I am also menopause age. I find it’s made me increasingly intolerant but also, after years of taking shit from other people I’m finally putting some boundaries in place and standing up for myself. I wonder if my friend just doesn’t like that I now speak my mind and say no to things I don’t want to do.

My partner doesn’t see it as a problem but he is the complete opposite, very chilled and easy going and I don’t want to inadvertently walk all over him without realising.

My short temper does bother me at times but it’s not like I’m yelling at people all over the place - I just get frustrated by inconsideration or people telling me what to do - my mother is very controlling and I think deep down it’s a reaction to that.

Does anyone else feel like this in middle age/stressful times or have I really got a problem?

Tbh I feel burnt out after the past couple of years and unable to keep dealing with other peoples problems - I think this might have come across because we met with another friend but all we seemed to talk about was their lives and I just want to say ffs what about me?!

I don’t want to be selfish or unreasonable and I’m not intending to drip feed but It’s always been like this and I’m tired of it.

I have a close friend who also lives a big distance, she is having issues in her love life. She has most of the 35 years I have known her. She shows me her real face and to be honest it’s getting a bit exhausting. My DH was in hospital last week with a head injury and concussion and she couldn’t have given less of a shit if she had tried. My head was all over the place for a few days and I forgot various things as exhausted and apologised to the three friends I had let down. Two immediately messaged and said don’t worry, she hasn’t even asked how my DH is doing.

Listen to her, I have attempted to calm my friend down but her misery over her love life is all encompassing and no one else is allowed to have problems.

I should add bereavements are obviously a very real issue, my memory issues stem from when my DD died. But I was very angry at the time.

A tricky one!

In really close true friendships, you should be able to tell one another things like this. Otherwise the friendship is just platitudes and holding one’s tongue. You have to be careful of offering advice when it’s not asked for though.

On the other hand, there does come a point for many post-menopausal woman, when you’ve looked after a family for twenty years and have done most things to accommodate your dc and other half, when you think sod it, I am not just going to fit in with everyone else anymore and have my needs go unmet and that can cause conflict. So I have wholehearted sympathy for that situation!

Sorry op but I don’t think any of us on here are going to have a better idea of what is going on with you, better than you do yourself! So my advice would be to do some self-examination, look internally, and also ask your dh and other friends. You may be slightly depressed which can cause irritability.

Or you may need some therapy or assertiveness training to teach yourself to express your needs in a way that is less angry. Or to help you with a mind set shift. Or to help you examine issues that stem from childhood.

Best of luck 💐

While it has been suggested to me that she was either/or autistic or a narcissist my ex wife was forever kicking off to the extent that even her family commented on it to me.

My wife & I have been together 16 years now and she has run through goodness only knows how many boyfriends all of whom seen to leave.

So yes it may well be worth looking at

OP I have felt the same , I can also be short tempered with my partner. Other than that I am a fairly happy person, don't have any problems with friends or workmates. I was diagnosed with Depression, which I actually couldn't believe. If you've been through a lot recently just make sure you are looking after yourself

I want to applaud this. Now I'm in my sixties I hear a lot of bollocks about 'taking no prisoners' and all the stuff on the second paragraph. It selfish and stupid to treat people like dirt and she doesn't give you an excuse..

If anything, I've gone the other way. I'm friendlier and more smiley and chatty with strangers and staff in shops/doctors surgeries/numerous other places. Because I've been through some tough stuff in life, as have most of us who've reached this age. And I've also experienced real kindness and thoughtfulness from strangers, and know how much it has meant to me.
So without actively make a decision to be like this, I now recognise that the person I'm dealing with might have had a rough week, and also that (even if they haven't) if I express my appreciation cheerfully, it'll make them feel good.

Likewise I value my friendships and family relationships. So I'm careful to be considerate.

None of that stops me holding my own (calmly but firmly) if I don't get the service I need or if someone is rude to me though.

I do feel like there’s a lot I need to address, losing a parent last year has maybe brought this to the surface but I assumed it was just my age - someone commented up thread that that was ridiculous but it’s known that menopause causes mood swings and so on.

I don’t think I’m depressed and I’m certainly not going round being unkind to people but my fuse is much shorter and things like selfish people (who I know or in life in general) just really get my back up these days.

And I’m a little tired of putting myself out and being considerate but not always getting that returned.

You've had a lot to deal with lately, but you are not the only one, and I'm guessing your friend is of a similar age too, and so could also be menopausal? She also has relationship difficulties.
Around the time of menopause is about when family members of the prior generation start becoming frail, and DC's start leaving home, its a lot of change. What I'm saying is that both of you are probably going through a lot of changes. So, although she has spoken her mind at the time, she may be every bit the epitomy of how she's described you at the moment. Given what she said, she's ignored a filter that would ordinarily be in place - a friend might think it, but it says more about her state of mind perhaps that she has vocalised it.
I think it all sounds a bit mild though in the grand scheme. You've taken this to heart, you've analysed your life because of it, to see if she does have a point. But after doing that, you may well come to a conclusion that the changes you feel - having barriers- are actually a good thing and healthy, and what you have developed through adversity is wisdom.

Be careful with relationship advice, even if it seems like it's asked for. You can only say what you would do, and that may well be different. The trick is to turn the questions back and get her to consider options of what she should do. In reply "what do you feel you want to do about it?"
In short, you are maybe all being a bit touchy with each other because of being at similar life stages, so you continue to have more in common than you realise. Ride it out, it will blow over in time.

Maybe your response to her opinion, which you admit yourself is correct, should tell you something? Mn is full of people-pleasers lashing out because of deep-seated resentment that few people take much notice of them.

@Opentooffers that makes so much sense, thank you.

@SabbaticalinMogadishu you may have a point 🤔😳

You seem to be a very considerate person OP, and self-aware. So you might find it easy to take this as a beneficial learning experience. Or, to put it another way, don't go down the path of becoming the angry old person whom everyone tries to avoid.

Some good advice especially @Opentooffers.
It is very true that those that surround doormats/people pleasers rarely like them asserting themselves, which is often triggered by peri menopause.
Are you really bad tempered, or just your tolerance for peoples bullshit has drastically diminished?
When life is tough with challenges, it is often a time when we look around at who really is there to support us, especially if we are the type that has given lots of support.
This reflection and re-evaluation of our circle is enlightening but can cause collateral damage.
You have a lot going on.
You really need to look after yourself.
If you find you have smaller circle as a result, you will likely not regret it long-term, creating space for a better type of friend where there is greater reciprocity.

Want to add, when you see this friend so infrequently, how is she so sure you are now grumpy? Is it stories you are telling her about other interactions? Or are you short with her because she is a bit self absorbed?
Your partner doesn't seem to have an issue, and he lives with you?
I would put more faith in the person who lives with you.
Considering all you are going through, real friends tend to be supportive.
I would mull it over, but not take it too seriously if you are happy asserting yourself. It is exhausting constantly being the supportive friend and then finding that it isn't returned. It's ok to want to mind yourself better.
Good luck.

Just to comment on middle age and mood swings. One of the major reasons I went on hrt at menopause was because I couldn't control my mood. It was made much worse by any stress. sudden shifts into getting angry that were uncharacteristic and as horrible for me (felt like I was losing my mind) as much as they were for loved ones. there were other symptoms too. The mood swings make sense as your hormones are all over the place. Won't happen to everyone, of course, but it's definitely one of the possible symptoms of menopause. I know others who went through this. Hrt sorted it out completely for me.

Can't say if this is what has happened to you or not, but thought it might be helpful to know.

I hear ya op.
The thing is to be kind to yourself & do things for you to feel less stressed. Exercise, read books, go for walks, do yoga, paint, get a massage, garden, whatever it is that chills you out.
Avoid dickheads.
Spend some quality time with your partner & remember why you fell in love with him in the first place. Appreciate the things you love about him.
I'm sorry for your loss. It's really hard X

And you could try hrt. It may help.

Are you really bad tempered, or just your tolerance for peoples bullshit has drastically diminished?

Very much this, I’m not a nasty person but I feel I’ve spent too much time putting up with things I shouldn’t. I do wonder if I direct this in the wrong way though - as I mentioned my mother is very difficult but unlikely to change and I feel increasingly trapped by this so tend to try and control other aspects of my life instead. I know I do it but I don’t know how to change either the situation or my behaviour.

I genuinely don’t know how my friend has picked up on this though bearing in mind how little we see each other - I spent a weekend away with her and others a few months back which I didn’t especially enjoy for various reasons but I don’t think I did or said anything that would affect her or the rest of our friends. We have a group chat but again I can’t think of any conflict on there. She seemed to mean well but it’s really hurt me although I realise I’m probably over-sensitive.

@SushiAndRamen that sounds like bliss, I think half the problem is that I’ve had very little time for anything along those lines recently - as someone said family commitments seem to increase just at the time in your life when you could do with them reducing.

Ask her.
You see little of her, so ask her why she feels that way....in a genuinely curious way.
It will be good to know if it is an honest observation or her being a bitch.

I think you’d be wise to sit with this for a bit and test out her theory. I’d a friend tell me I was coming across as ‘scary’ when I re found a bit of lost confidence, and I had a long think about whether what she said was true. I have a different friend who always seems to be ranting about stuff so I’ve a few circuit-breakers I use with her (eg she’ll arrive ranting about parking and the fog snd her useless husband and her ungrateful kids and the dreadful soccer coach, and after five minutes I say ‘so, enough about me! How are you?’ and she usually has the grace to apologise …