Finally leaving but scared of repercussions

[Annabelle9622]

Hi,

this is my first time posting on here, I’m unsure what I’m looking to gain from this, maybe just some support and reassurance.
I am planning to leave my dp (have been living together but wouldn’t say we have been in a relationship for around around 6 months).
He has been abusive towards me in the past, I stupidly gave him one more chance after months of me leaving him as I believed he had changed, his family also thought he had changed, I now know he will NEVER change.
We currently live in a rented home with our DD, however I have bought a house without his knowledge and should be able to move in around 3 weeks, he will not be coming.
just abit of background about him and his treatment of me.
he is extremely aggressive towards me, mainly verbal but has been physical in the past.
constantly calls me awful names and degrades me, fat, ugly, big nose, rubbish mum, the list goes on, he has probably insulted me on every single part of my body and personality.
I pay for everything, bills, rent, food, everything for our daughter.
he hates my family and says awful things about them.
he shouts, screams and swears at me if I do anything that he dosent agree with or sometimes just for no reason.
he laughs at me when I’m upset or crying, he blames me for everything that has gone wrong in his life.
he takes drugs (cannabis and cocaine), which probably accounts for his mood swings. He refuses to get help for this.
there’s much more that has happened over the course of the past 5 years and it would take me hours to write it all, but that’s just a bit of background.
the last time I left I knew in the back of my head that I shouldn’t let him back in but I really believed he had changed and so did his family, he fooled everyone. His behaviour went back to normal within about 2 weeks and I knew I had made a mistake but then I couldn’t get him out.
i am so ready to leave now and never go back, I do not love him anymore and I just want the best for my DD which is not to be around abuse. He acts like he loves DD, although dosent actually provide any care for her and I’m unable to leave him alone with her as I don’t trust him so I’m her main carer and look after her 24/7 apart from when I’m working.
im not actually scared to leave because I feel nothing for him anymore, but I am scared of the repercussions and what he might do, he dosent know I’ve bought a house and won’t know where it is but will probably eventually find us.
he also says he has videos of me on his phone when he’s wound me up that much I’ve responded by scratching or pushing him, these videos make me look crazy and unstable but he hasn’t videoed the hours of abuse he has given me beforehand. I’m scared he will use these against me once I’ve left and may somehow get custody of our DD, he is very manipulative and can present as charming and ‘normal’.
sorry this is long, I just want some reassurance that everything will be ok for me and my DD

thankyou x

He won't use those videos. He can threat all he wants but trust me the police, woman's aid and women's services have seen that tactic (where a man videos his partner to try and make her look crazy) more times than you've had a hot meal. It's just manipulation on his part so just ignore it.

Personally if I were you I'd get out now (when you know he's going to be out of the house for a few hours) and go and stay in a hotel (or holiday let or with family) or something until the house sale is finalised. Just grab everything you need (important documents, photos and a few changes of clothes etc) and just go. Furniture and toys can be replaced.

@AAnnabelle9622 Good for you. Getting out whilst your child is young is the best thing you can do for you and her.

It won't get any better. I've got the t-shirt on that one to prove it. It took me 16 years to leave with 4 youngsters by then.

My mental health was completely f, and youngsters who were 16, 14, 12, and 4 at the time made even harder

We have rebuilt good lives, and I happily remarried. I'm sharing that bit so you know there are decent men out there when you're ready.

Contact womens aid for support as you do to some extent always live with the aftermath. They do exceptional work free.

It's someone to talk with, feeling no longer alone too. They offer a range of services which you may find useful.

Good luck and well done.

www.womensaid.org.uk/womens-aid-directory/

Thankyou for the reply
that’s really helped me feel better, because the videos are the main thing he has used to blackmail me, to be honest I don’t even know if they exist or not. He has warped my reality that much and affected my mental health it’s hard to think clearly.
I was thinking about going to stay with my parents this week, he has cash in hand jobs so I never know when he’ll be working (it’s not often) but when he does go I could take DD and go stay with them

I have contacted women’s aid they’ve been really helpful and Thankyou so much for that reply that really helps!

I have contacted women’s aid they’ve been really helpful and Thankyou so much for that reply that really helps!

@Annabelle9622 Regarding the videos, if he has any, let him use them. The police and services are used to this tactic.

If he manages to find you and serve court proceedings, then you can insist on a supervision centre.

Also, I agree with the other poster who says leave now. Go to a hotel or your parents.

If he's out at work, get everything you need and move it to your family's home.

What about the landlord? Whose name is the tenancy in?

My name is on the tenancy, he would refuse to leave though so would have to ring police to get him out
I think going to stay with my parents is a good idea though because the verbal abuse is becoming unbareable now. I will just have to wait until he goes to work

Have you got a safety plan tailor made for you and according to what he has done in the past??? Have you had a risk assessment completed with Women's Aid?

How are you going to tell him, letter??
How are you going to keep safe once he knows?
Will he go to the school?

Let us know xxxx but best to do this sort of planning with a professional, not least of all if he does find you and do anything??

Op don't forget to give notice on the rental, once you've exchanged contracts.

They didn’t offer that, I can call them back to discuss that. I’ve got a new SIM card that I haven’t activated yet with a new number so he can’t contact me, also bought some security cameras and a ring door bell for the new house and yes was planning to leave a letter. I’ve also discussed a non-molestation order and I’m hoping to get this put in place. Last time I left there was no physical threat from him, he never came to the house or anything it was relentless calling and texting from different phone numbers so that’s why I’ve got a new number now.
and DD is still in nursery but I am going to go to the nursery this week and tell them the situation and to not let him pick her up, even though he’s on her birth certificate will I be able to do this? If not I will change her nurseries but I just don’t want to unsettle her as she’s happy there.
i will ring women’s aid again this week and try formulate more of a plan with them

thankyou!Xxx

Hiya. You have covered most bases, well done.

Itll be the time he finds out. No one, you, your family or friends, must respond to him more than once.

Do threaten with the police if needs be, but no more than one factual response.

Keep records if needs be.

Non mol excellent idea.

With nursery, they would give to him if they are of that mnd. A police case no. it a non mol would help. Child contact will need to be sorted, maybe formally, maybe using family to drop off etc. See how it goes.

Good luck and well done xxx

@Annabelle9622 You really need to move her nursery. He could watch without you knowing and following you. I know you don't want to unsettle her. However, she is still young enough, and both your safety is paramount emotionally as well

Well done you!!! You can do this. Make sure you end your tenancy with the landlord. Don't worry about his not leaving, that's the landlord's problem - not yours (sorry Landlord). As for the videos, they won't exist and even if they do, so what! Do you have any evidence of your own of his drug taking and abuse?

Yeah there’s a nursery very close to my new house so could look into that definitely

I have a couple of pictures of empty drug bags that I found in the drawer in the house and I have lots of voice recordings of him shouting at me and verbally abusing me, my mum also had a video she took of him screaming at me when she was coming up the stairs in my house (he didn’t realise she was there)
I think he’s just managed to get into my head about these videos, as there have been times I’ve totally broken down and acted crazy but my rationale self knows that surely people will realise someone wouldn’t act that distressed and ‘crazy’ for no reason

Well you are totally fine then - you have your own evidence if it was really needed. Keep that and don't tell him about it either. Honestly you are doing the right thing here - I know its scary.

New nursery as soon as you can manage it, even if it means paying the old nursery for one month instead of giving notice.

Well done, you’ve done brilliantly. It’s nerve wracking, this last bit before the move out, but when you’ve done it you’ll feel so relieved.
I would also do the double move as that’s an option. Go to your parents, then move to your house. If he causes any trouble at your parents call 999 immediately. You want anything he does on record.
Make sure your new house has a ring doorbell or similar.
Get any photos of drug use you can. Any chance he deals?

And all pp are correct, police, SS, women’s aid etc. all have seen the videos these abusive men make, they’re all similar and they all know it’s an abused woman fighting back.

Stay strong.

Well done OP. You will soon be free! I suspect your landlord would thank you to tip him off, if you surrender the tenancy and time it right, the landlord would be able to have a locksmith on standby and then talk to your ex about when he wants to pick up his stuff rather than try to evict a squatter. There's also a little bit of satisfaction in knowing that he doesn't get to stay there.

Great advice above. There’s information on the Women’s Aid website about how to formulate an escape plan: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/i-want-to-leave-my-relationship-safely/

If you haven’t done so already, I would suggest also speaking to your local police
before you leave and giving a statement about what has gone on so the information is there if the police need to act quickly.

My exh pulled out screen shots of my end of our 'conversations' where I appeared quite unstable.. Judge wasn't interested whatsoever.. He has no ammo on you op. All for scare. Blackmail however is a crime. As is coercive control. Your dd needs a new nursery. Apply for a residency order when you have that new address... Then new nursery will have that down..

New nursery asap, has he ever picked her up from current nursery? He has pr as he’s on the birth certificate so can pick her up.

Just an update.. so last night he became much more abusive shouting at me, screaming, calling me names, he then put his arms around my neck, didn’t squeeze but held my neck for a couple of seconds. I decided enough is enough I can’t take anymore so I rang the police today and did a police interview, they are going to go and arrest him within the hour and remove him from the house. I’m so scared about what is going to happen now, I feel so anxious and panicky and somehow guilty?? God knows how I feel bad for him when he’s done all this to me, I feel as though I’ve done something wrong.
I don’t know what’s going to happen next but I’m proud of myself that I’ve actually contacted the police as I’ve been scared to do it for so long

Congratulations op. You have taken the first steps.. The hardest ones.. You will gain confidence now ime knowing he has less control of you.. The police will tell you that a man who puts his hands to a throat is capable of much much worse...