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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Intense first date.. do I run.

70 replies

onestepataday · 26/05/2024 10:20

Met a guy OLD, I was literally about to deleted my profile when he messaged. Hit it off straight away.
Used the apps video call function as a quick, let's check each other is real, and chatted for 4 hours, it flew by and was so easy.
Had a few more video calls during the week.
Met yesterday lunch time for a coffee and the chemistry was intense, coffee turned in to lunch and then a walk and then drinks, I didn't want it to end so he came back to mine. We kissed, cuddled and chatted all night. It didn't go any further, I could have, easily, I wanted to but we didn't!
I broke all my dating rules, it all just went out the window as it all felt so natural and easy.

I'm 36, feel like I'm acting like a teenager! I'm a single parent so I know I need to step back and slow things down. I've text him this morning and told him this and he just said he likes me and will go at whatever pace I'm comfortable with.

I don't know if this is all a big red flag or whether I'm just over thinking,

OP posts:
SamW98 · 05/06/2024 22:37

So be careful. And listen to any little niggles, and don't get carried away. If he seems too good to be true, he probably is. And if you catch him out in any lies - run!!

Agree with this. Its wise to be cautious and pull back slightly rather than get carried away.

Thats just self protection and listening to your gut.

So much better than silly games and lies to ‘test’ him.

SunflowerTed · 06/06/2024 02:39

nfkl · 26/05/2024 13:09

Tell him you had a great time etc. but you’re going to be very busy for whatever reason until 10+ days time

in the interval, let your mind settle, take the vibe off, revisit the date with a clear head to see if he really said or did the right things or if it was just the moment/lovebombing, don’t text too much, don’t think too much

If he’s a nice guy, he ll happily wait, if he’s only looking for sex (and he can feel a part of you is ready), he won’t accept the timeout, he ll keep on pushing, if he’s another type of weirdo/insecure, he ll also whine

What ridiculous advice

SunflowerTed · 06/06/2024 02:40

Upinthenightagain · 04/06/2024 08:56

Probably won’t work out. I would focus on learning some self control and putting better boundaries if you’re going to date as a single parent. I hope your children weren’t at home when you invited a stranger in equally your child/ children need you. Spending the night with a random off the internet is not exactly keeping yourself safe

Just ignore this

SunflowerTed · 06/06/2024 02:42

nfkl · 27/05/2024 10:04

@Ethylred @Dadjoke007

What’s the problem with taking enough time to find your calm and your grounding?

Why should a woman accept to be rushed (even by her own emotions) into anything when she’s not ready, why isn’t she allowed to pace herself?

Why does she “owe” a 2nd date ASAP, rather than on her own terms?

What is the problem with posing a (very minimal) challenge so the players can lose interest/show their true colours in the interval?

But there’s a little fib involved, stop the cavalry, call the police, this is immoral and wrong, be kind etc.
Then I suggest you go read the r’ship board, make a list of all the fibs and lies proffered by men to exploit women and get their way, it’s not quite the same scale … and realise that
1/ making the guy wait a bit until you feel in control again is not an act of malice, but one of self-protection and strength
2/ it’s not lying, it’s not saying anything untrue about oneself or playing people, it’s just being unavailable for a week to someone you barely met, to whom you owe nothing

A decent, interested, emotionally well-adjusted guy will not see waiting until the week after a problem, if the spark is there, the spark is there, a decent guy plays the long game, but a wa*r will throw a tantrum

Women should be allowed and encouraged to pace themselves in their dating life to a rhythm that suits THEM where they feel most in control and at peace, if it takes a few days, it takes a few days, if it takes a benign white lie to keep their thoughts personal and make it socially acceptable, so be it.

It’s not playing, it’s grounding.

Pathetic . The fact you mention players says it all. Game playing is toxic

ItsPrettyGoodReally · 06/06/2024 05:06

Can you ask for references or to meet his friends or something, just to be sure he's genuine and not married or something?

Riapia · 06/06/2024 06:42

My instincts aren't often wrong, everything is telling me this is good and right it's just my head saying he'll turn out like all the others! X.

There will be one that isn’t like all the others.
He could be the one.
❤️❤️

Bewareofthisonetoo · 06/06/2024 06:49

HelloJillll · 27/05/2024 10:08

Because she hasn’t asked about grounding. She’s nervous about starting something new.

Fannying about with 10 days between dates won’t help.

Show quote history

This!

mrgoodatfixingthings · 06/06/2024 08:42

If a date replied back after the first meeting that she would be "very busy for the next 10+ days" I'd now assume she wasn't interested or was herself a "player" and had other suitors who were more important.
Either way it would massively put me off Sad

SamW98 · 06/06/2024 08:44

mrgoodatfixingthings · 06/06/2024 08:42

If a date replied back after the first meeting that she would be "very busy for the next 10+ days" I'd now assume she wasn't interested or was herself a "player" and had other suitors who were more important.
Either way it would massively put me off Sad

Absolutely 💯- I’d have them down as not interested, dating others and/or playing games.

Whatever way it’s dreadful advice

SamW98 · 06/06/2024 08:47

SamW98 · 05/06/2024 22:29

If you can’t see that telling lies and putting tests in place right from the start is playing cultish immature games then to use your own words it’s very sad really.

Using sanitising language like ‘little white lies’ and fibs to pretend that you’re not starting off a potential relationship with game playing lies doesn’t make ur shyness dishonest.

And no need to feel sad for those of us who think your advice is dreadful. We know our own strength and worth and it doesn’t involves being childish game playing liars.

Edited
Show quote history

Far too many typos but hopefully the gist is there

Don’t play silly games
Don’t start off lying
Be cautious and set your boundaries

AyrshireTryer · 06/06/2024 08:51

Sorry where is the RED flag? Sounds all good to me.

SamW98 · 06/06/2024 08:54

SunflowerTed · 06/06/2024 02:42

Pathetic . The fact you mention players says it all. Game playing is toxic

Show quote history

And using sanitising language like ‘fibs’ and ‘little white lies’ to try and justify the games is absolutely disingenuous.

OhshutupMarjorie · 06/06/2024 09:05

I had signed up to OLD and decided the same day that it wasn't for me. Was going to delete the app after I had got home from work that same day but forgot and the phone pinged with a message. The man looked like my type, had a lovely smile and so we got chatting. I too was a single Mum to two teenagers and was overly cautious. We met up a week later and that was that - married for 4 years now. Rather oddly and for a few reasons we do not live together, we both chose to wait until my DC had left home. Second DC leaves for Uni this year and so we are finally going to cohabiting. I could have seen so many red flags in the early days if I had wanted to but the reality was we were both very excited to have found each other, 7 years on and we are so happy together.

wasntlikethisinthegoodolddays · 06/06/2024 09:12

So you had a brilliant first date - and your first instinct is to run? Why? Makes no sense.

This sounds like my first & second date with DH. Actually had sex on the second date as well. Met on Plenty of Fish. Still together and in love, 16 years later.

I also went in to that date with a lot of bad experience under my belt. First H had cheated on me for our entire 20 year relationship, boyfriend after that got me pregnant, then cheated on me and dumped me....so I was cautious....but DH turned out to be a diamond and he's never once let me down.

Please don't play games. Then you just turn out to be his bad story.

Also, zero point being on dating apps, if you're going to run after a good date. What do you want, bad dates? Makes no sense.

wasntlikethisinthegoodolddays · 06/06/2024 09:24

Oh and just to add, this sounds like my friends first date too. They are still together some 23 years later with 2 adult children.

Also, my son and his long term girlfriend met on Tinder.

nfkl · 06/06/2024 09:54

SamW98 · 06/06/2024 08:47

Far too many typos but hopefully the gist is there

Don’t play silly games
Don’t start off lying
Be cautious and set your boundaries

Show quote history

Seems I really touched a nerve because I get a lot of emotional and frothing at the mouth OTT aggressive reactions (and would the posters be male from the aliases?) but I m still not reading what would be sounder, structured advice about how OP can stay in control and peace even when her emotions seem to go faster than what she is comfortable with

Going back to my holidays, won’t be following, have fun and be safe

Dadjoke007 · 06/06/2024 09:56

ItsPrettyGoodReally · 06/06/2024 05:06

Can you ask for references or to meet his friends or something, just to be sure he's genuine and not married or something?

Really???

References, is this a job interview (and in any case they are hardly going to give bad ones)!!!

How would people feel if the guy asked to meet your friends straight away to make sure you were genuine?

SamW98 · 06/06/2024 10:00

nfkl · 06/06/2024 09:54

Seems I really touched a nerve because I get a lot of emotional and frothing at the mouth OTT aggressive reactions (and would the posters be male from the aliases?) but I m still not reading what would be sounder, structured advice about how OP can stay in control and peace even when her emotions seem to go faster than what she is comfortable with

Going back to my holidays, won’t be following, have fun and be safe

Show quote history

Keep twisting and turning lying and game playing how you like but we all see it due what it is. And you’ll see pretty much unanimous pp thinking it’s appalling advice.

And to clarify - no nerves touched and I’m definitely female.

And apparently we’re frothing at the mouth because we see lying from start and game playing as BS - ok then 🤣🤣🤣🤣

CutthroatDruTheViolent · 06/06/2024 13:57

Genuinely don't know what you're worried about here? Other than it might be too good to be true?

If it is, then break it off. But you can't possibly know anything at this point in time.

Scrumbleton · 07/06/2024 14:01

V excited to hear what happens next. Hope it goes well OP! ❤️

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