Intense first date.. do I run.

[onestepataday]

Met a guy OLD, I was literally about to deleted my profile when he messaged. Hit it off straight away.
Used the apps video call function as a quick, let's check each other is real, and chatted for 4 hours, it flew by and was so easy.
Had a few more video calls during the week.
Met yesterday lunch time for a coffee and the chemistry was intense, coffee turned in to lunch and then a walk and then drinks, I didn't want it to end so he came back to mine. We kissed, cuddled and chatted all night. It didn't go any further, I could have, easily, I wanted to but we didn't!
I broke all my dating rules, it all just went out the window as it all felt so natural and easy.

I'm 36, feel like I'm acting like a teenager! I'm a single parent so I know I need to step back and slow things down. I've text him this morning and told him this and he just said he likes me and will go at whatever pace I'm comfortable with.

I don't know if this is all a big red flag or whether I'm just over thinking,

Go with it OP, enjoy the moment. Who knows how it will turn out? Either way you will have had a good time. Just stay aware, and don't involve the dc. Having them will automatically slow things down.

Because she hasn’t asked about grounding. She’s nervous about starting something new.

Fannying about with 10 days between dates won’t help.

Sounds similar to my last first date OP. 5 years later we're married with a baby due imminently and very happy.

Keep your head level, keep an eye open for red flags and given that you've got DC to consider definitely don't move too fast in terms of big decisions, but otherwise just enjoy it!

@HelloJillll
you re misreading me, this was at the beginning of my 1st post

In the interval, let your mind settle, take the vibe off, revisit the date with a clear head to see if he really said or did the right things or if it was just the moment/lovebombing, don’t text too much, don’t think too much

And I talk about being in control, finding your strength, not being rushed etc.

This: too often we hear on here women whose partners are "so understanding"about eg previous abuse suffered by posters, only to use that knowledge to manipulate or hurt them further down the line.

That’s my thoughts too. I would never mess someone around. Either I want to see you again or I don’t. Would not want to play games with someone.

IF I was a player, I wouldn’t care about 10 days as I would probably have other irons in the fire, but as a genuine person i may go on another date with someone else and that could develop instead.

appreciate there are some pretty scummy guys out there but what happened to just enjoying the moment?

@nfkl There is everything wrong with advising someone to be manipulative, which is exactly what you did. It's a disgusting way in which to behave.

Wouldn't a considerate man consider man assume she was trying to give him a hint she has no interest in seeing him again if her response after the first date is:

"I'm sorry, I'm terribly busy at the moment, maybe I might be free week after next."

If he sticks around waiting, he clearly doesn't take hints or is just plain desperate - red flag ! Bin him !

Hey @onestepataday take it slow. It may be his Modus Operandi to treat women like this. Find out more about him before heart takes over head, I know from experience unfortunately. Does he have a job? A property? Friends? Have you seen them? Beware the love bombing...maybe this is what he gets the thrill from. Do you have your own place? There's nothing more attractive than a women with a home is there? Does he have kids and does he see them? Does he have a psycho ex or does he speak highly of her?

Lots to think about x

@onestepataday did you arrange another date?

I think thats great OP and I'd say go for it and definitely dont play any silly games as has been suggested- thats really childish.

HOWEVER, to protect yourself, stay in the present moment. Things are going wonderfully right now- thats awesome. But the potential hurt comes from us rushing forward into the future projecting all sorts of fantasies about what will happen in 6 months, a year, 5 years etc. Living in that future space rather than staying in the present is exactly what causes disappointment and heartbreak. It's very easy to get carried away with "what if".

So, enjoy it - it sounds wonderful, but focus on the here and now rather than what "might happen" down the line. By keeping the good in the present, and not projecting it far into the future you'll be far less gutted if it doesnt work out later on.

I’d say just be on guard. My abusive ex is same age as you and straight back out dating a week after we split (watch out if you’re in Hertfordshire 😂) he’s the most handsome charming man you can meet and our first date was a whirlwind and he seemed perfect.

You’ll never know from a first or even second date and over time the more feelings you get the harder it is to break away if there are red flags. But it seems like you are sensible and you’ll know. Just watch out for the intensity moving quicker than you’d like and certainly take your time introducing your child to him.

OP - don’t do this it’s dreadful advice. Never play games - it’s ridiculous

Obvs ignore the game playing. Hope it's still going well.

What you had on your first date sounds amazing. It's a rarity.

No one knows at this stage, but as long as you've got your eyes wide open and listen very honestly to your instincts, you'll be fine.

It takes a long time to really know someone.

Good luck.

...and agree with others, to never play games.

It's a nonsense, and people do it because they're in crap relationships in the first place.

Probably won’t work out. I would focus on learning some self control and putting better boundaries if you’re going to date as a single parent. I hope your children weren’t at home when you invited a stranger in equally your child/ children need you. Spending the night with a random off the internet is not exactly keeping yourself safe

Sounds like you are overthinking it and he has behaved very well. Just try to keep perspective and check you're not idealising an idea of him that isn't actually him, and good luck.

Absolutely have another date, just keep your feelings in check as you don't know him yet. It's easy to get carried away in the early stages but could be the start of something lovely. Keep your eyes open and boundaries firm and if not the start of a great romance, no harm done. Have sex if and when you want it, don't see it as some kind of concession. And don't dick around waiting 10 days or whatever. That's silly. Just see how it goes.

What are his own living circumstances OP? Own place? Career? Solvent? Family ties? 🤓

I would say you may not normally act like this but he might. Some people are love bombers. Just be wary. Take your time and give yourself space. I had one appear like this and it did backfire as quick as it had began.

Some good advice here re pacing and taking things in a more relaxed way. Just to add you don't have to involve your children at any point. It is not mandatory at all. There is nothing wrong with having a relationship on your terms, a relationship that is purely about you.

Which game? Explain, please, I m curious

Take the time to regain one’s balance and put oneself in a position of calm and self-control between the 1st and 2nd date is not playing games, even if it requires a little white lie to make it socially acceptable.

If you can’t see the difference, as women, it means you don’t know how to create, foster and protect your strength and power, and it’s very sad really.

If you can’t see that telling lies and putting tests in place right from the start is playing cultish immature games then to use your own words it’s very sad really.

Using sanitising language like ‘little white lies’ and fibs to pretend that you’re not starting off a potential relationship with game playing lies doesn’t make ur shyness dishonest.

And no need to feel sad for those of us who think your advice is dreadful. We know our own strength and worth and it doesn’t involves being childish game playing liars.

If it was my ex, this is the experience you'd have. He'd make you think you had loads in common, that he thinks you are sexy and funny and cool, that your life goals are the same, that he loves the idea of your children, he'd be interested and interesting and funny and silly and wise. He'd want to keep you on the phone or texting for hours.

But he'd also lie about all of it, tell you he owned the house he was bunking up in, that he had savings and investments when he is skint, tell you he had a good relationship with his kids when he hasn't seen them for ten years, a great career that he's well-respected in that actually is low-level and more off than on, tell you what his 'friends' were doing (mere acquaintances that he hasn't seen for years), and would probably be love-bombing other women at the same time.

And he would have a reason that he moved in with a series of well-set-up women (he couldn't help himself, it was true love, when you know you know) and cock-lodged for as long as he could get away with.

So be careful. And listen to any little niggles, and don't get carried away. If he seems too good to be true, he probably is. And if you catch him out in any lies - run!!