Why do I have so many problems with friends?

[Theotherone234]

Name change for this

Here I am in my 60s with no friends. None. Not even aquintences. I don't have a problem chatting to people but I can't take the steps needed to get close.

Some history of my friends.

One girl who was probably the closest I've ever been to a friend moved in with a guy who had been stalking her (her words). I was so shocked that she did this but I didn't say anything, it was her choice. But she stopped being my friend and there was nothing I could do. She had a new man and didn't have time for me anymore (I was still single).

Next friend I got close to suddenly dropped me when she split from her bf (he was a friend of mine before he met her). So it seemed she was only my friend because her bf was in our friendship group. She moved on to being friends with a girl who had a salon (so she got lots of free treatments).

I moved to a new area so tried a friendship group. Made friends with a lady who wanted me to teach her a craft that I do. I was more than happy to teach her and we'd go for coffee etc. But she said she joined the group as she had no friends and I later find she has lots of very close friends. After she learned the craft I never heard from her again.

Another friend kept getting married then splitting up. In the 10 years I knew her she got married twice and had 2 live in partners. I lost the ability to get excited about her latest wedding so now we don't speak.

Another friend I lost because I didn't approve of her drinking, which was excessive. She didn't agree that she had a problem and stopped speaking to me.

So am I weak, overly critical, have too high expectations or just too difficult? I often think back and feel sad about the friends I lost.

I'd personally put it down to a combination of chance, ie the people who we happen to meet in our lifetime, the personalities they happen to have, whether you live in one place your whole life or move around a lot, all combined with your own character.

Some people are more or less accommodating of others.
This means that some will prefer to overlook certain aspects of friends' personalities which they may not like, but will choose to ignore because they appreciate other parts, and value the friendship as a whole.
Other people choose to not overlook certain aspects for one reason or another and would prefer to be without said friend rather than let it slide.

Don't overthink the reasons. If you feel you are missing out on friendships then take the plunge and try and make some new ones. However, remember that it's probably best to cherish them for what they are in the moment, rather than worrying over how long they will last and if you be hurt if they don't.
You can't go into a friendship with fixed ideas about the future.

It sounds like you are pretty direct. I have to watch myself sometimes for this and its an ASD tendency. These days everyone has a diagnosis but there are lots of older women like me who were just seen as difficult or strange. It might be worth checking yourself on the autism spectrum (we are all on it somewhere) or better still chat to a professional. Can have an impact on relationships and at least then something to work on.
Separately I've also had to really work on my boundaries and this has helped. I now have some really good people in my life.

You may be attachment avoidant. Or it may just be a string of bad luck. Either way I hope you manage to make some meaningful connections going forward.

I think it sounds like couple of them were taking advantage of you, and others stopped being friends as you didn't approve of certain aspects of their life.
As a pp said sometimes it's best to overlook certain aspects of friends lives that you don't approve of and just value the person as a whole and the aspects you do connect with.
If you find chatting to people easy then maybe concentrate on these interactions and if it progresses to more don't judge them but accept their flaws.

There is nothing in the OP which suggests she is on the autistic spectrum. Don't be so ludicrous.

And, we are not "all on it somewhere" stop spreading misinformation.

It's a spectrum. We are all on a spectrum of everything? Sorry that you feel so cross. Peace.

@Ecowash Autism is a neurological condition of which there is a specific spectrum.
We are not all 'on it somewhere'.

When I was a kid I couldn't make friends and realised the kids with sweets always had a cluster of friends at playtime, so I'd bring sweets to school to share. I had a difficult home life and wasn't allowed to have friends so I got off to a bad start.

I don't think I'm nd but I am very reserved so it's hard to open up to people. All my friends I've made before have been due to circumstances like work or neighbours etc.

I don't tell Friends that I disagree with their lifestyle choices but I find it difficult to overlook them. For example It's hard to support someone who is ill when the illness is caused by drinking. I have no sympathy and eventually I just let them go.

I'm not sure if it's me and maybe my personality prevents friendship

Hmmm, how was things in your family? Did they allow you to express feelings? Were they emotionally available to you?
Is there a chance you subconsciously surround yourself with emotionally unavailable people? Try to become more vulnerable and see what happens. Try to surround yourself with people who are comfortable with their feelings and open up and try to open up in return. See how that feels.

I think friends are I two categories, friends for life and friends for now .

I have 2 friends for life and a group who get together for dinner probs every 6weeks . As they are not local I decided to join a local social group to make local friends.

Well my god what an eye opener . I think I'm chatty , good listener , interested in others but I've met a barrage of women who are just alien to me , so many have self confessed mental health problems , others are stuck in baby land with gaga language , huge needs for personal validation for everything they say and do . Snappy , quick to judge , FB littered with positive affirmations and #bekind yet are tone deaf to their own unkind criticisms of others .

I've come away thinking it's impossible to forge good healthy friendships with this 50's / 60's group .

So am I weak, overly critical, have too high expectations or just too difficult?

These are really good questions, are you?

For example, a friend of mine was direct to the point of rudeness and it cost her friendships. Some people don’t seem to realise that they choose what they say, there are loads of true things you can share with people to help them understand you better, it doesn’t have to be bad (for them - aka criticism) true things.

I think many people share your feelings and experiences, especially in later life. Friendships are just like any relationship - they have ups and downs, you can grow apart and they can break down due to many different factors.

There has to be similar intention, morals and values to build a foundation on and in my experience solid friendships, like solid romantic relationships are quite difficult to come by.

I often too feel sad for friendships that fell by the wayside, but there was always a good reason or an incompatibility. I'd genuinely rather be lonely than have 1 fake, selfish or duplicitous "friend". Continue to go through life being open and chatty, the right people will stay and you will naturally want to cultivate those relationships.

Op Im 50s people so flaky now. My circle is small now. I dont know just find people insincere now. No efforts to meet either. So I let them off. Its hard as u say.

I'm not sure why people are assuming I'm direct/rude. I'm probably explaining it that way. But I'm really the opposite. I never tell people what I really think. Rarely offer opinions in fact. Instead I stay quiet and ultimately the friendship fades.

Hmm well my dad was a cold fish with a bad temper but I knew he loved me. Just not affectionate. He wasn't fun or playful. Just on edge all the time. His happy place was at home reading a book.

My mother was a nasty piece of work. She was very sociable, always had lots of friends, but she acted like she hated kids. We weren't allowed to do anything other than chores. Couldn't go out to play or have friends round. I can't remember her saying anything nice to me let alone hug me. The only touching was a smack.

I couldn't be vulnerable, to anyone, ever. I don't know how. I have spent half my life being hurt by family/friends/ partners, and the other half doing anything I can to avoid being hurt. I have an aversion to appearing weak. I don't even let people know if I'm ill as it's a weakness.

Do you think people see me as strong so their behaviour won't effect me?

This is so true. Perhaps it's worse when you get older. I remember my gran had loads of pals, they'd go to jumble sales, coffee mornings and beetle drives. All different personalities but all lovely bubbly ladies. I never see bubbly happy people my age.

Because your account of your friendship history is all about what was wrong with the other people — they were alcohol-dependent, ditched you when in a relationship, used you for craft-learning reasons and dumped you, made poor relationship choices etc etc. Yet you chose all these people, OP. Yes, absolutely some of it is simply down to the kind of person life throws in our path, but there’s also an element of choice. Why are you choosing to befriend these people?

Also, if you were going to describe my longtime friends solely according to their worst problems, it might look pretty damning. One is anorexic and has been hospitalised numerous times. One is seriously agoraphobic, and no longer leaves his house much. But they’re more than their problems, and are good friends, albeit with limitations.

I am 50 and have only a handful of friends now. I was extremely social in my early 30s. When I got married, my ex-wife did a lot of sabotaging of my friendships. At our wedding, my ‘half’ of the wedding was full and my ex’s half was threadbare. When it came to my friend’s weddings or gatherings, my ex refused to go. No reason other than they weren’t her friends. When I did go out with friends, she would bombard me with phone calls asking when I was coming home (when I had only been out for 30 minutes). Many friends asked me ‘why are you with her?’. Since the divorce I have focused on self development and boundaries. I still don’t socialise a lot, because it is hard making new connections when you have kids and making time to actually get out there. But I am happy now.

Hmmm no. I think there is a chance that, because you don’t open up and be vulnerable, you can’t form deep friendships with them. As a result the friendship stays superficial and over time drifts away. To form long term relationships one should be emotionally available.
There is a chance that due to your family background 1. You may pick people who are emotionally unavaialble as this is what you subconsciously perceive as “normal” and 2. You are emotionally unavailable therefore can’t form deep friendships/relationships.
Maybe some psychotherapy to understand your patterns and attachment style might help.

@Rania78 thanks for your reply. I think my problem is not so much being open to people, because I can do that easily. But then I find out they're not a true friend. I know I walk away easily when I don't agree with someone's lifestyle or views (eg I find out my new friend has racist views). But I do get used easily. I don't think I know how to set boundaries properly. I think I'm still 'buying ' friends with sweets in the playground. I'm a yes man I guess. Same with men and even at work. I have never been confident and find it difficult to say no.

This thread has been very good for me so thank you to everyone who replied.

I have some stuff to work on. I'm going to start saying no. Just need to work out how to say it without appearing rude or mean.

Stop trying to pathologise the OP! Fed up of ASD being the cause of everything negative. So unfair to Autistic people.

This is a very dangerous trend on mumsnet. You can't even speak or voice concern and you're told you're on the spectrum when there really is no indication of this on the post. So glad you called it out.

I dont know op its def difficult when we 50s/60s. I met a girl last year same primary school got on great. She took weeks to pin her to a date. Am thinking it shouldnt be such hard work!! I just do things alone now its easier

I would say be very wary of people being over friendly too quickly. They usually want something as you found out with the craft lady . I've given up on friends . People come and go. I think when you are young friend are so important as you are single and socialise a lot . As you get older family takes over and there are more demands on your time . I selective who I spend my precious time with .

I am reading this atm. It's quite interesting on relationships generally so might be helpful in exploring this?
https://www.amazon.co.uk/s?k=philippa+perry+the+book+you+want+everyone+you+love+to+read&crid=37BF1AWMKL0JH&sprefix=philippa+peery%2Caps%2C124&ref=nb_sb_ss_sc_4_14