Why do I have so many problems with friends?

[Theotherone234]

Name change for this

Here I am in my 60s with no friends. None. Not even aquintences. I don't have a problem chatting to people but I can't take the steps needed to get close.

Some history of my friends.

One girl who was probably the closest I've ever been to a friend moved in with a guy who had been stalking her (her words). I was so shocked that she did this but I didn't say anything, it was her choice. But she stopped being my friend and there was nothing I could do. She had a new man and didn't have time for me anymore (I was still single).

Next friend I got close to suddenly dropped me when she split from her bf (he was a friend of mine before he met her). So it seemed she was only my friend because her bf was in our friendship group. She moved on to being friends with a girl who had a salon (so she got lots of free treatments).

I moved to a new area so tried a friendship group. Made friends with a lady who wanted me to teach her a craft that I do. I was more than happy to teach her and we'd go for coffee etc. But she said she joined the group as she had no friends and I later find she has lots of very close friends. After she learned the craft I never heard from her again.

Another friend kept getting married then splitting up. In the 10 years I knew her she got married twice and had 2 live in partners. I lost the ability to get excited about her latest wedding so now we don't speak.

Another friend I lost because I didn't approve of her drinking, which was excessive. She didn't agree that she had a problem and stopped speaking to me.

So am I weak, overly critical, have too high expectations or just too difficult? I often think back and feel sad about the friends I lost.

@Theotherone234 message me I'll be your friend. I prefer honest people. I have a mix of lovely friends. I'm mid 50s. We probably don't live near each other but some of my longest standing friends don't. I like the sound of you 🙂

The way you describe your past friendships make it seem like you disapproved of them and their life choices in one way or another. You don't speak of them with any kindness.
If you come over in this judgemental way towards people then it's natural they'll distance themselves from you.
But don't give up. Think about what you have to offer others, and that you don't have to agree with everything someone does or says to find common ground.

I’m almost 50 and I have a sort of similar history and sometimes feel sad about it. I feel like if it was up to me, I’d have still been friends with all the people below except they fucked me over in one way or another.

In my teens my best friend dropped me out of nowhere without explanation. Two years later she got back in contact saying that her boyfriend (who she eventually married) hadn’t liked me (he hardly knew me) so he didn’t want her to see me. She’d got back in contact because I met him at a party and he’d decided that I was actually a really nice person so she was allowed to see me again. I didn’t take her up on the offer.
around the same time I discovered my other best friend had been stealing from me as she was wearing my jewellery (100% definitely mine as was unique - my grandad who had recently passed away had made it for me).
Another friend dropped me when she became good friends with my ex. She appeared to hate him while I was with him. I didn’t have a problem with their friendship but she clearly did.

after that, my next best friend asked to stay a few nights in my shared student house. Stayed three weeks paying zero towards rent/bills and then took umbridge when I explained that it wasn’t fair on my (very patient) housemates. She didn’t speak to me again. It turned out afterwards she’d also made a pass at my boyfriend.
The next one decided to be a born again Christian (she was always a practicing Christian, just went up a level) and that I was not a suitable friend anymore after years of spending loads of time together. I have a very moderate/boring lifestyle btw, nothing in anyway extreme so I really don’t know why I wasn’t compatible with it.
another friend again turned out to be stealing from me. A mutual friend alerted me to it and a set up (leaving money on the side in my house and her unattended while I went to loo) confirmed she was stealing.
a best friend of many many years who I had really supported and helped for so long, just started treating me like crap and putting me down. I was going to say I don’t know what precipitated it, but thinking about it, I was in a position to need support myself and she actually went out of her way to make life more difficult for me.

I wonder if I’m somehow attracting these user type of people into my life, I must be, there are so many of them. It does put me off friendships a lot. I am quite “successful” in my career and life not a pushover or naive at all. But I think it is a form of co-dependency, like I want to be kind and I’m a good listener, I’m basically a good person (I hope). But maybe some people out there are that see it as something to be exploited in a way that just doesn’t occur to me. Then I’m surprised by their behaviour. maybe you attract similar kinds of people too? Take a look at boundaries and co-dependency and see if it resonates.

@Mulloffuckintyre that's some awful luck you've had there. What terrible people. No idea why it's happened but that must make you so wary. I've had a couple of ex friends who I had to drop like a hot brick but your history is so awful. Don't give up though.

I think 1-2-1 friendships can be a bit intense and open to fall out anyway so maybe focus on groups and group activities like the craft group? Company and the chats at that can be much more fun and lighter than 1-2-1s which can end up with over sharing of issues

@Mulloffuckintyre I agree with you, perhaps we give off use-me vibes? Predators can spot us I think, men and women. It makes you wary about new friends which doesn't help.

Yes dont be used. I had a family relation used meet got dropped as fast when she got working. Got a random text last year what college did my daughter get. Lesson learnt dont be used by people. I just cant be ass with two faced people!!

@Mulloffuckintyre
You really have been unlucky, but you've obviously learnt a lot about human nature.

Very interesting what you say about exploitation. It's without a doubt happened to me.

Please start loving yourself!
We all have faults and failings.
Be generous to yourself and take pleasure in the mundane. Joy is infectious.

Don’t you think it would be more helpful to think of this as something you do, rather than something that’s done to you, with you are passive victim? After all, you’re choosing these people, too.