I can't handle men anymore

[hurtingnohope]

I've been dating for 20 years and had a few long term relationships. Been out on too many dates. And I can honestly say I have not met a single decent man in all this time. I have a few guy friends who are awesome - I've known them a long time and trust them fully. They have partners and are wonderful men. However, all the men I've been in relationships with and dated, have turned out to be absolutely horrendous. Liars, cheaters, using for sex etc. A couple have been extremely abusive. I am not a weak or passive person. I am intelligent and strong. Yet I keep meeting these type of men. I don't think it is anything in me that is attracting them. And they don't reveal themselves until at least 6, 9 or even 12 months into the relationship. I quickly get rid of them. But at my age, I am feeling so down about it all, and not sure I can bring myself to date anymore, because I am so jaded. I keep thinking: how long until they show their true colours? I dated a guy recently who ghosted me after a few months of dating. It's absolutely awful. Yet I want a loving and supportive partner. I just don't think it's possible anymore. Need a hand hold more than anything I think. Thanks x

I think so often we go for attraction first, and then just hope that he turns out to have a good character. Maybe try to do things in the opposite order? Like, get to know men first based on good character, even if you are not that attracted, become casual friends, and then see if any of those friendships develop into something more? I have rejected my fair share of nice guys because of not feeling a major spark right away, and most of them went on to become wonderful partners and fathers!

Then again, maybe you are doing everything right but it's just taking some time to find the right one. Try not to let it get to you. Dating can be disappointing sometimes for everyone, and there are probably plenty of men out there who have had similar experiences.

Hand hold ❤️ I could have written your post!! I’m coming to a place of acceptance that I will remain single always. I think contentment in this can be found x

Here with a hand hold, OP. I understand.
I gave up on men a few years ago, and I have been focusing on building a new career.
I don’t miss them. They contributed nothing but confusion, hurt, extra labor, and misery to my life.

therapy is what helped me stop feeling I needed someone romantically. Feeling whole within myself and happy with my own company has been such a gift - I didn’t know that a feeling of loneliness can really be past trauma and pain.

wishing you healing, and the freedom from longing.

You have some well meaning married person along in a minute telling you about how you just need to go to hobby groups and there you will magically meet wonderful men and have a relationship and live happily ever after.

I've been dating for six months and am sick of it. I couldn't imagine 20 years.

But, if you are in your 30s/40s, I would recommend looking into things like attachment styles, looking for patterns in your relationships and the men you choose, researching on things like codependency etc. It wasn't until I got into my 30s, that I realised my own childhood and upbringing was disfunctional. Plus just how bad my own parents relationship is. It's only now in my 40s and after my marriage ended that I've learned about attachment styles, and realised that I didn't actually know how to have a proper healthy relationship! I would consider myself to be a well educated, smart woman with my shit together. There is always room to learn and grow about relationships.

I’m still married for now, but not sure how much longer I will be, and I know for a fact that I wouldn’t date. From what I see in the media, and what I hear from colleagues/friends, there’s no way I’d put myself at risk of anything.

My daughter has done a lot of online dating and has had a similar experience to you, think she’s feeling a bit hopeless about it all too.

Not got any advice but just to say - you’re but alone and it’s not you it’s them. Which luckily you seem sensible enough to realise.

Love this.

I’m 18m separated after being with STBXH for 23 years and I haven’t been at all tempted to dip a toe into the dating world for the reasons you mention. They all just take way more than they give from what I can see. And I can’t trust myself not to get into another boiled frog situation again.

Men don’t seem to realise they’re not competing with each other for women’s attention, they’re competing against a life of peace being single.

It's gotten really, really bad has the dating scene. Rude men who just swipe right on everyone and then unmatch without saying anything, blatant and openly wanting to use people for sex from the outset, total disregard and no manners. It's very sad and very disheartening when you are genuine. I can totally see why you feel as you do. Feel same! It's absolutely dreadful change for the worst. I don't know what's caused it? Maybe some women do respond and invite them to just have sex without having any need for manners. I dread to think.....

I agree- I've discovered I have an anxious attachment and seem to go for avoidant men unwittingly and they then crucify me. Problem is people cover it up and pretend they are nice at first don't they and you can't work it out until you know someone very well....very relevant though I completely agree...

Most men swipe right on every match and from there is basically a numbers game, following a script. Men aren't bother if 9/10 don't reply but will go with the 1/10 that does.

When no sex before marriage was common men would have to be completely different.

I totally agree. There must be women who either think they are modern and empowered to indiscriminately have sex with any old Joe thus lowering the bar for us all. Because they must get something out of behaving like dogs? I find it really sad that they secretly always wanted to treat women like that but no feel able to be overtly disrespectful and basic. It's sad. Especially If you are heterosexual. I would rather be on my own hands down than lower my bar. But someone women can't be agreeing it's a negative development for them not to start telling lies like they clearly used to have to....

singlhood is undaratd

Comfy PJ's no stress no sharing peanuts no lying no one telling you what to do or what u can or can't eat or how fat or how thin we look, or how we have to look good can just get comfy at home watch Disney movies or a good horror or whatever the hell without anyone judging and making you feel unworthy, single life is frowned upon if i lived back in the 16th century i would of been hung for being a witch lol 😂 because i see through all these men even the good ones there is always something id rather find happiness by being single and content x

excuse me? Have you just said that all women who chose to have sex with a man on the first date are desperate slags with no standards??

It’s shocking how some posters here choose to view the world exclusively through their own perspective. Even worse than that, to conclude that the men you specifically encountered/attracted in your life have been shit because some women out there chose to be sexually liberated, and possibly have had better luck in that area of life than you? Jesus Christ…

Solidarity OP.

I have taken a break from dating. I have dabbled in online and offline ‘romances’ for the past ten years with several 1-2 year relationships throughout that time.

There isn’t a single man who has brought more happiness than they’ve taken from me over the course of my involvement with them.

And those who didn’t make it past the first 6 months have been all the things you describe, plus: ghosters, future fakers, men with erectile dysfunction, flakes, creeps, would-be cocklodgers. I have realised, aged 34, that my life is more peaceful and happy without seeking or being in a relationship.

I’m not angry with men, I’m angry with a society that shames/others women for not being with someone. For the expectation that any pursuit (holidays, hobbies) is a bid to meet a future partner. That being with ‘someone’ ie someone who possesses the undesirable traits you describe, is preferable to living a fabulous life alone and unencumbered.

so I don’t know what the answer is to the natural desire for some company and affection, op. But I’m sending you solidarity and the knowledge that women everywhere deserve a whole lot better than what we’ve been experiencing out on those dating streets.

I've been ok about single hood for
A decade. Now 50. Honestly, men are simply not worth it as a whole.

I hear you, OP.

The last guy I briefly dated resulted in me providing him with various contact numbers and websites for alcoholism.

The man before him who I had a short-term relationship with - he was a domestic violence police detective and put his hands around my throat during sex, and we'd never discussed this prior - he had no idea if this is something I would like. There were other red flags with him too - far too many to mention - let's just say I am relieved he is no longer in my life.

Prior to him, a man who liked to wear my clothes and long story short, had things continued I fear I may have been entering my own story onto the Trans-Widows website.

It's a bit of a blur before these 3 tbh - but they ALL had either drinking problems, drug problems, porn addiction and therefore their dicks did not work (4 men I've been involved with have had this if I remember correctly, all under the age of 40 for gods sake), or some such issue that for any female I know, is a non-negotiable. I've had men turn conversations very sexual very fast and when I drew a boundary around that they were not best pleased and became verbally abusive.

IT'S A SHIT SHOW, which I no longer want to bother with. It shouldn't be this difficult to find someone suitable. All those blokes I've mentioned are on the face of it, decent folk. Good careers, hard-working, ALL seemed very lovely at first, articulate, etc.

Dating aside, it's actually quite sad, and worrisome that there are so many 'broken' men out there.

A hand hold for you OP! You're experiencing what so, so, so, so many women have experienced, and are currently experiencing.

After the last bloke, I made a firm decision that a relationship/ dating - I'm not looking for this any more. If it happens organically and he passes a 2 year probation (not joking), then I may consider being someone's girlfriend again. Otherwise, I'm preserving my peace. 💐

P.S. I hear cats are a far superior chose to a man, and when the time is right, I'm getting one!😻

@hurtingnohope The thing to keep in mind is that abusive men are a small minority. You seem to have met these men at a frequency far higher than average.

So my first question would be, what type of men do you approach for relationships? Are there certain qualities or characteristics that compel you to approach men?

What I'm saying here, is if you approach a different "type", then the frequency of asshole/abusive men might be far lower.

There are two possibilities in your post. That men like your friends, who are wonderful and trustworthy do exist, and you may meet one in the wild and live happily ever after.
Or that even men like your friends show their true colours once in intimate relationships, and we’re all doomed.
I’m on the fence tbh as to which is true 🙈
I do know for a fact though that it’s possible to feel entirely fulfilled and complete when single, and I also know that the higher you raise your bar, the better. If that means staying single for years, so be it. No man is infinitely better than a crap man, for certain.

I've come to the conclusion that most men on dating sites are looking not for a relationship but a convenienceship. One in which they make almost no effort and want everything to suit them. Either that, or just a bit of free sex alongside their porn addiction and misogynistic attitude.

Men are a waste of space.

I'm 47 and have had my share of shitty men. I refuse to use dating apps, I'm best off being single. They do absolutely nothing useful.

Wow, internalised misogyny much?!

Women have every right to enjoy no strings sex as much as they want, without being called names. Not everyone uses sex as a bartering tool to trap a man into a relationship you know, some of us actually enjoy it 🙄

I image the friends of the men who have been awful to date think they're great guys. You do realise OP that your wonderful male friends are probably cheats and liars to their intimate partners too?

I don't think they are.

Men that physically punch their girlfriends, maybe.

Men that are unfaithful, push sexual boundaries, and generally detract from a woman's mental health and peace of mind? They seem shockingly common.

A lot of women put up with this behaviour, they might stay because of the dc, fear of being alone, or even fear that next time they will end up with a worse one.

They even convince themselves that their Nigel isn't that bad, he's one of the better ones. So they'll ignore feeling uncomfortable during sex, feeling lonely and sad even with him, or that he hurts her feelings more often than he should.

They'll tell everyone how wonderful he is.

The man's mother will know he is a good one, it's just those women that were the problem. His friends will say he is a great bloke, he always covers for them has their backs. Strangers, female friends and colleagues all think he is great because he is with them.