Why is dating so difficult/disappointing/frustrating and hard work

[Notgettinganyyounger23]

I've decided to dip my toe back into dating and have been online. After a few non starters I met a great guy. He was really keen we were chatting and have met up a few times, there was a lot of chemistry and we made plans for this weekend. Most of this was driven by him, his suggestions. It was my birthday yesterday he popped round and bought a huge bunch of flowers. Then today I got a message saying, I need to be on my own this is making me anxious etc. It was quite intense but it was reciprocal and was more him initially. Is this a game I have no idea what's happened. It's really put me off. Anyone else find it difficult?

Sorry this happened to you. In my experience dating is difficult, especially if you meet online. I think there is an issue with some people having no accountability for how they treat someone that didn’t know their friends/family/colleagues. Plus I think online dating has created a mindset in some people that there is always someone ‘better’ to match with and this can become an endless cycle. It’s a numbers game I think!

People on here say OLD is fun but it’s anything but imo

It’s mostly a complete waste of time and energy. Too much effort for pretty much zero reward.

It’s not just online either. Most of the men I’ve met on the outside world in last few years have either been sex pests or total flakes with more baggage than Gatwick.

Yea, I guess so. We did have some joint friends one I socialise with so I do feel a bit silly as well now. I just feel a bit rubbish, he said that being with me was making him uncomfortable which makes.me fel awful. He was fine two days ago. He actually got a bit emotional and said he felt like someone actually cared and had his back. Just bizarre.

It can be fun, you just need to set realistic expectations and know what you are looking for. You will often need to kiss a lot of frogs to get there.

In the past, despite hoping for the girl of my dreams for the long term, I have treated it as a bit of fun to take pressure off. Go on a lot of dates, am single so have the time to do this and it is nice to be busy. 60% of the time it is just a drink and thats it, no attraction either way or just not what I am looking for. A few you will see again and occasionally you will properly connect. It could happen tomorrow, maybe in 6 months.

It is a numbers game, so treat it as going out a few times a week, chatting to someone new and see what happens

A few dates a week??? I don’t know how you find enough people.

I rarely find anyone who communicates well enough to bother with a second message let alone meeting

In 18 months I’ve only had 7 first dates - no other chats made it past first few days

Did any of those first dates turn into a second or third?

Only 1 and he ended up having a deal breaking issue that I couldn’t get past

Yes I guess it is a numbers game, hopefully theres some genuine men out there.

I’ve only just started having fun with OLD and that’s because I’m now looking for something casual instead of a serious relationship.

OLD is good for the former, and fucking terrible for the latter.

Because people are difficult, disappointing, frustrating and hard work.

I'd just take this at face value. It was more intense than he could deal with. He was honest with you, didn't ghost you, fair enough. Review whether you felt it was becoming intense, if you think it was fine then move onwards and upwards as you are. If, looking at it objectively, you can see his point then use this feedback to move onwards and upwards with a new approach.

It's awful. I've not wanted to meet any of my matches. Every single man seems to want to make a sexual innuedo or something before meeting up. I can't cope with it. Sex is a normal part of a relationship. It'll happen if it feels right. So why mention it all the time? They always have to mention it.

Yea it just seems impossible to meet people in other ways. I have a steady group of friends and we always go to the same places where we know everyone anyway. I'm 49 and it's not easy to find people in this area group

That’s my experience too. I’m mid 50’s and 95% of my matches want to sex talk straight away - or even worse- despite their profiles claiming they want a relationship

Ugh yea I had a few like that. Maybe I just need to have some casual fun for a bit but ultimately it's not what I want. Aghh frustrating.

I think it was fairly intense but a lot of that was him and I then went along for the ride as thought we were on the same page. It is what it is and yes he has been clear etc. just not enjoying being back in the dating world with all this, but really am not enjoying being single either.

Dating has always been frustrating ,hard work etc etc etc . It has not changed .

Yes I've not done it for a while and previously I enjoyed being single for quite a while

He was fine two days ago. He actually got a bit emotional and said he felt like someone actually cared and had his back.

Here is your answer. He got carried away and revealed more about himself than, looking back in the cold light of day, he felt comfortable with.

Yes I always get the sexual stuff - just straightforward offers of sex! And even innuendo about 3 messages in is just dreadful. I think they think it’s appealing.
Also find there’s a big push to get me off the app and onto WhatsApp quickly - and then not dropping it when I’ve said no. Generally just constant boundary pushing.
I go on occasionally but it’s never any different. I’ve pretty much given up.

Yea possibly, don't know why you'd say something you're not comfortable saying. People are strange.

It is tough out there.

I think it's worth remembering that most people on the dating sites aren't a particularly awful type of person, they're just messy like everyone else (including you!). Don't get down hearted when their mess doesn't fit with your mess.

Maybe think about what speed you're happy with so you know for future times not to just go along with whatever speed they're going at. I think generally anyone going super fast or glacially slow are likely to be at the messier end of the spectrum.

When I think about my friends who have met people they are happy with in the last few years, almost 100% it's been IRL when they've joined clubs or taken up new hobbies. My widowed uncle met his now partner within a couple of months of joining the Ramblers. I know 2 people who met through bereavement support groups. And the younger lot, 3 met their partners through taking courses in things that interest them and one started a new job and met her partner in her new workplace in the first week. It may just be my age group though.
That said I also know 2 people who have met their partners via OLD.
Don't give up, just be selective. work out your boundaries and stick to them. Maybe tailor your profile if you need to set out more clearly what you are looking for.

I gave up. It’s so draining. My last date started making racist comments and I couldn’t get out there fast enough. A wasted evening and wasted money. I’ve done OLD on and off for years and never had a relationship out of it. All my relationships have been people I’ve met offline but they’ve all been terrible so can’t be bothered with any of it anymore 😳

I'm sorry to hear this. I do think about giving up but I really would like to share life with someone

Are you 23? If so you’ve got loooaaads of time yet. I’m older and very very jaded. My life partner is my cat.