Why is dating so difficult/disappointing/frustrating and hard work

[Notgettinganyyounger23]

I've decided to dip my toe back into dating and have been online. After a few non starters I met a great guy. He was really keen we were chatting and have met up a few times, there was a lot of chemistry and we made plans for this weekend. Most of this was driven by him, his suggestions. It was my birthday yesterday he popped round and bought a huge bunch of flowers. Then today I got a message saying, I need to be on my own this is making me anxious etc. It was quite intense but it was reciprocal and was more him initially. Is this a game I have no idea what's happened. It's really put me off. Anyone else find it difficult?

The sexual innuendo happens so fast doesn't it , I'm all for having a good laugh etc but it gets boring when you don't even know the person

And most of it sleazy and cheesy rather than even vaguely sexy.

Probably like most women I’ve had opening messages from very presentable looking men commenting on my body parts and watched like to do to me - as a first message!! Does anyone seriously reply to those?

No I'm 49 as of yesterday. Honestly dating around your birthday is never good either. He rang and said could he pop round, bought a huge bunch of flowers. I was like wow this is lovely. Then a couple of hours later he decided it all makes him uncomfortable. Just bloody strange.

I think it can be hard work and the need for breaks from it is important. I’ve just deleted my apps. I’ve had 9 dates in less than a year one guy I was seeing for a few months. There is decent people on there but you need to know what you will or won’t tolerate for it to move forward and filter out the odd ones!

@Notgettinganyyounger23 in what way was it intense?

He said he had a really good feeling about things and was really happy with how things were going. We had met a couple of times in-between planned dates at his suggestion. There was definitely chemistry we both fancied each other. There was some intimacy. He said he'd never been able to talk as easily to anyone or felt like it was a team. He'd asked to spend the weekend together etc etc. Then a huge turnaround. It was early days and I'm not going to dwell on it but it was a bit of head and I'm just thinking this dating is going to be hard work

Going to be honest sounds like he’s a lovebomber

Thats all very intense for a few dates and probably his standard MO.

Not read the whole thread, but he's probably been hurt in the past and is just a little nervous x I'd be patient and reassuring x hopefully he'll chill out x

Oh no he's made it clear that my dating future does not include him lol.

In that case it’s definitely love bombing, you don’t go from strong feelings, chemistry and talking about the future to dumping someone overnight.

I agree he sounds like a lovebomber, and a bit odd.

I was dating someone new around my birthday and he bought me an orchid and a box of chocolates 😳 I was so embarrassed. He was really lovely, about the only lovely bloke I’ve met on OLD. Sadly, for some reason, I wasn’t feeling it.

He had talked about being hurt in the past about 18 months ago but was looking to move forward and wanted a relationship. I dunno, I was looking at the flowers this morning thinking do I keep them or bin them lol

@Notgettinganyyounger23 sound very similar to my ex - we were together almost a year, for the last 5 months of that his narcissistic tendencies and gaslighting was prominent. He would constantly move the goal posts, would often threaten to leave and I could never do anything right. Google the narcissistic abuse cycle and move on swiftly.

Honestly you’ve had a lucky escape! Definitely sounds like love bombing and then discard. If you continue to do OLD, I would recommend reading more about those types.
I delved in in my early 40s when I got divorced. Think it was 6 dates in 6 months. 3 were absolutely no gos. 3 got a second date. It’s messy when you’re older. First guy to get a second date seemed lovely. Amazing chemistry! I’d forgotten how that could feel. But he still lived with his ex and it was all too messy. Second one, zero chemistry and it turned out he was seeing someone else and picked her 🤷🏻‍♀️ Third one was a keeper! Been together 18 months now. Still complicated. We won’t be able to blend families easily so we are looking at living apart for a long time. Not easy but I love it when I am with him so I accept it for what it is.

@Patty78 is right. A mismatch of expectations.

Most men are looking for a quick bonk. They don't seem to be interested in a relationship as far as I can tell.

A couple of conversations, two dates and then they're off chasing a more obliging prospect. It's sad but just how things are.

I think there will be a lot of old men living on their own in bedsits in the coming years.

6th time lucky, it's great you found someone ..I'll carry on seeing how it's goes will be mindful of those traits though

Think there’s already a lot of older potential cocklodgers looking for a nurse with a purse

I was chatting to a bloke for a couple of days before he revealed he’s been living in his sisters spare room for 4 years, asked if I own my own house then told me he’d come over the next day for a ‘date’ - probably with his worldly belongings.

Funny enough I managed to resist that offer

There are a lot of men OLD carrying emotional baggage. You happened to meet one, it's lucky you found out before being intimate as that can lead to more disappointment. Men who are super keen, tend to move on fast, sometimes without warning. Watch out for signs of being OTT - gushing with complements, gifts for no reason, wanting to see you multiple times a week, moving things on fast, planning things/events months ahead when only been together a short time.

Hi! Toria here. I’ve found dating difficult and after not dating for four years after my marriage ended, I still feel scared to experience what you relayed here because these kinds of things have happened before. For me, I’m ok because I needed this time for myself. I’ve grown a lot!!! Now I’m getting ready to get back in there. I hope you want to know why this is happening. So, as I always do when I want clarity, I channel my higher intelligence, my intuition, and I’ll do that for you now. Here’s what my higher intelligence has to say…

Feelings associated with the unknown can feel massive. And that scares people. Unfortunately, many people are afraid of their own emotions. If only they can remember that emotions are not bad. They are signposts telling them there’s something ready for them to bring to their awareness. And this can have absolutely nothing to do with the situation they’re in, (meaning dating you.)

But what happens? When we toss away our emotions, we fail to recognize that there is an emotion to work through that we have subconsciously or unconsciously associated with a past experience, ours or someone else’s.

So for this particular man, until he allows himself to further investigate why he has strong emotions about the intensity of your relationship, he will figure it has to do with you and the relationship, then run away. Don’t worry, it’s not you and he will continue this behavior with others until someone temporarily helps him feel safe or he moves through his emotion.

And the best news of all is, it’s always a gift when you identify someone who is not able to recognize the state he’s in. If running away didn’t happen now, it would happen later.

One more thing. You did attract this guy to you for one reason or another. This might be a great moment to check if you also run away from your emotions instead of getting curious about them and moving through them. If this is you, do the work now and you will attract a partner who does the same! This will advance your partnership for the benefit of long-term joy in peace and harmony.

Ok, that’s it. I hope this helps!!

Cheers, Toria

Thank you for taking the time to reply. You may be right and better to know sooner rather than later. I probably do have emotions of my own to work through but I just allowed myself to be swept along.

This is why I came off the dating sites and have stayed single.
I don't know what's worse, the ones who are completely shameless and come straight out with "fancy a f**k", or the ones who pretend to be normal for a couple of weeks then say they've had a j arthur thinking about you, Yuk Yuk Yuk.
I'm not a prude but a pic of someone's willy and wrinkly nutsack surprisingly doesn't fill me with irresistible lust.

@Opentooffers - why are these bad signs? Like wanting to see you multiple times a week etc? I have someone doing this atm. And then when I can't trying to change my mind etc.

Do you mean men who are super keen on you, tend to move on to the next person fast, I.e it's not genuine?

It’s the pits when you get older.

I have a problem in that I really don’t fancy that many men. If I saw 200 men in a room I might fancy 2 of them. On OLD, the chances of one of those two 1. Fancying you back and 2. Not being a complete tool are slim!

All the people I have really been attracted to in my life I have known for a while and their personality gets me fancying them.

On OLD, most are that stupid they just don’t appeal at all.

“hey how are you”
“you up to much”
“hi”
“how’s things”
“morning sexy”
”sleep well”

etc etc etc. Just fucking boring and that’s when they are not sending you pictures of their cock!

Older men who are single have generally been dumped by their ex for some reason. Basically there’s something wrong with them - otherwise they’d still be with their ex, wouldn’t they?

Ok maybe there are a few decent guys who are widowed or whatever. But in general a single 50yo man has been dumped by a long term ex for not being good enough. All the good ones are still married. Thats why you’re not getting any decent matches.

I have the same problem. I think I've only been attracted to about 5 men in my whole life. I didn't even fancy 2 out of my 3 LTRs, and stopped fancying the third one quite early on.

The chances of me seeing someone I'm attracted to on OLD AND matching with them AND them not being a complete dick AND having chemistry are slim to none.