Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 11

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

ND people are more than welcome, some of us are in ND:ND relationships.

I was thinking of chengeing the thread Aspergers/ASD to ND, which I think might be more appropriate and inculsive, but I've left it as it is as I suspect many people find us by searching for Aspergers and/or ASD.

It's complicated and it's emotional.

The old thread is here

@pikkumyy77 omg I’ve thought about doing this so many times!

I relate so much to everyone here. Today I walked in from a long day at work and so little acknowledgement. He isn't being mean, he just isn't concerned or interested in my life unless it affects him

Can I ask why people have decided to stay and navigate it all, rather than leave?

Hi , wanted to let you know why I stayed well past the point of staying (but then I eventually did leave) I stayed for my children. I did not want them to have to go back and forth between homes like I did when I was little. I stayed because I knew he could not sustain managing a healthy, hygenic household (which he has now proved in the 8 months since I've left). I stayed because I thought a home with 2 present parents was better. I stayed because I thought he would keep his promises to change, to help more, to show up in our lives, to be an equal partner. I stayed because I was so afraid of what could happen if I left- if all his threats came true. i stayed because I was afraid of him and that it might be worse if I tried to leave. I stayed until I lost myself- my brain literally broke. I had a full mental breakdown. After I came out of my fog, I realized I could not keep up pretenses any more. I asked him to move out ( 5 times), and each time he refused, escalating to darker and worse threats. I finally left with 1 bag of clothing and slept at my best friends house until I could get on my feet in my own place. It has been a tough road, but I knew I could not go on the way it was with him any more. Wishing you all the strength you need. Both roads are rough to walk. 💖

@nl55 Can I ask what kind of threats your ex made? You don't have to answer!

I have been staying because I want it to get better. And it has to some degree. I have made my feelings clear on some of his behaviours and he has altered or stopped some of them. He has also started antidepressants and completed an anger therapy course. The latter didn’t do anything to help, but the former definitely seems to help as it is very noticeable if he comes off them for two weeks or more.

I stay because of the financial investment I have stupidly made in this relationship and keeping it going. I won’t get any of that back if I leave. Financial security is very important to me due to growing up quite poor and my father routinely telling us (falsely) that he was going to lose his job. I really worry about being poor and being able to live within my means. Also I like the comfortable life that being with DP brings me. I am terrible with money!

I stay because I already put the children through a massive upheaval by leaving their dad. They are 50:50 divided between me and their dad. I can’t bear the thought of doing it to them again! But I also feel it would be better for them in the long run once the upheaval was over.

I stay because there always seems to be something to get past first (a wedding coming up, holidays coming up…).

I stay because the thought of telling my DP I want a Together Apart arrangement will need careful planning if it’s not to cause a huge angry outburst which can never be come back from. I don’t want to end the relationship. I want to move out. I am worried about his reaction. I don’t know whether to find somewhere and get the proverbial ducks in a row. Which would feel like I’d gone behind his back and would be upsetting to him. Or whether to tell him first and then look for somewhere not in a hurry, so we can all have time to adjust. The worry being that if it goes badly I am stuck in the same house while it takes a few months to arrange something and I won’t be able to bear the tension. Also I am not sure what he would do if it goes badly. So I need for it to be a natural conclusion and something he is vaguely on board with.

I stay because I am lazy and a coward. I don’t want to have to pack up my stuff, arrange movers (again, I’ve moved three times in the last five years), arrange internet and service providers and build beds and all the rest of it. I am tired. I want a happy and peaceful life and the thought of more upheaval isn’t something I relish.

I stay because we get on well much of the time. We laugh. We can be very supportive and kind to each other. We have good sex. It really isn’t all bad. And that makes it very hard to find the impetus to leave.

I stay because I gave up so much to be with him. And it is hard to admit that it was for nothing. He isn’t who I thought he was and if I leave I have to admit to myself that I made a huge mistake. Even though I know that’s true, it’s one thing knowing it and another thing acting on it!

@MassiveMugOfTea I’ve stayed because he has a lovely bond with DC, and because I’m financially trapped. And because he would not be able to live independently and share custody in a way that DC’s basic needs could be met.

Also DH doesn’t do any of the shouting or silent treatment stuff that others on this thread have to deal with from their partners. And he’s not stingy or controlling. It is really clear to me all the time that he means well.

Our main issues are that he is an absolute anxious mess and can’t make decisions or share the load, and he’s not able to talk or think about anything but his special interests.

Like others, I stayed until my youngest was 18, because my ex H could not safely look after the children and I presumed he would insist on shared custody.

I survived by detaching emotionally and keeping my inner self behind a protective wall (rather like Mariko's eightfold gate in Shogun if any of you watched that!).

Anyway, I am free now and miraculously my joint pain has gone! I am trying not to be too bitter and want to stop thinking about all the injustice of the marriage and just enjoy myself ... I think I probably need therapy to help me achieve that.

I think it’s takes a lot of sacrifice to stay and navigate it for the sake of the children and it’s a really selfless thing to do. I think I would have probably tried a lot harder and perhaps stayed if it wasn’t for his aggressive side and the loosing temper and throwing things. In my own circumstances staying wasn’t an option. He said many times he’d change. He went on these retreats for his anger but he never got to the bottom of it. He didn’t believe in western psychology but he really needed to find out the cause and have therapy. I suspect he had had ADHD and never had a diagnosis and he had no control. In the end I made myself so small in an attempt to not set him off I had a nervous breakdown. I was terrified of him loosing control and in the end I was scared me or our daughter was going to get hurt. I didn’t really think about the emotional damage it must have caused until I went for support after leaving. I’m glad I left.

@MassiveMugOfTea I am in the process of building up my courage to break up/leave but will use 'stayed' in my list of reasons as mentally I have kind of checked out.

I stayed because I was in denial for a very long time. Having escaped an abusive marriage before I did not want to face up to the fact that my second husband might also be abusive. Probably mostly without intent, but as discussed here often the impact is often the same. There was always an excuse for his behaviour.

I stayed because like others I didn't feel that DH could cope with co-parenting and DD has quite complex needs. Yet I can't wait much longer.

I stayed because my H can actually be incredibly kind, thoughtful and considerate and does often look after me when I struggle or when I'm ill. Yet he is an unpredictable Jekyll and Hyde and can also be selfish, unkind, childish and even cruel. His behaviours at times as most definitely abusive and as a result I became very small and became used to being 'less' and with my needs less important.

I stayed because I am financially dependent on H, he is controlling with money and I am still not sure how I'd finance a move, should I be the one to move out.

I stayed because I am scared to take this next step, to not have someone to help out with practical things or to tag turn with in caring for DD or to be there if I'm ill or if something should happen. As I can't se myself ever living with another man the thought of not being part of a family is so isolating, as I am already an isolated person due to being autistic as well as not in my home country.

This thread is helping so much though ❤️

Some of your posts on the thread are so close to the bone it’s painful to read sometimes. Just want to send solidarity to all of you in this situation. It’s really, really fucking hard having partners with ASD and affected children. Life altering scenario.
I’m really struggling to come to terms with it myself and wish everyone well with their situation, whatever path through this they end up taking. I’m holding on to the fact that nothing stays the same forever. I don’t know if that helps anyone else.

Thank uou for sharing your stories on why you are choosing to stay. I relate to so much of it. I think not being able to guarantee the safety of DC is huge, huge factor. This is the thing that keeps me up at night. And so frustrating as I actually have no idea how he'd cope. He can do it - step up - but he doesn't when I'm here. But he might. I veer between thinking he will neglect them to thinking he will be 100% fine.

I worry @nl55 that I will head towards some sort of breakdown too. I'm sorry you went through that. it's death by a 1000 cuts. Being ignored so often in your own home is so much worse than being alone. There is no love between us.

My son is also autistic. I see lots of similar behaviours. My son struggles with control and anger. He is only young. In a funny way - my sons struggles mean I'm less sympathetic to DH as I think 'bloody hell, i can't look after my struggling child and you too' but then also it makes me more sympathetic to DH as I see so much of his behaviour is inherent/due to anxiety - and he's not trying to cause me pain.

Yes, it's exactly like that, like my DH & DS are self-absorbed the vast majority of the time. I then feel guilty for having needs of my own and wanting to be considered.

@PurpleStarrySocks sometimes it feels easier to ignore ones own needs as the anticipated and almost certain fall out is too stressful.

@CinnamonTart im doing the same than you.
Not to try and show him how everything is always centered around him.
But because I can’t be bothered with conversations with one word answer.

At some point, he usually tries to start a conversation but it often flops because he can’t sustain said conversation.
There are times when he does actually want to share something. He can have a discussion and then yes it’s nice.

But I’m not going all out trying to maintain a semblance of normalcy.
Im not going to try and start a discussion to met with a wall because something has happened and he is grumpy. And I’m then becoming an emotional punching bag.

As a result, we have very surface level conversations. Short.
The kind he prefers I suspect.

At least one person is happy at least.

@SpecialMangeTout I recognise this. My DH will interrupt me right in the middle of whatever I’m doing to tell me something (usually a very long and impassioned story with tons of extraneous detail that could invariably be summarised ‘everyone I work with is an imbecile’) and I’ll listen attentively, and reply sympathetically only to be totally blanked. Not only has he not heard my response, but he’s not even really aware I’m there. Because he’s shot his conversational load and I’m just the receptacle for his rants. When the rant is done I just disappear from his awareness because there is no need for me to exist.

It feels genuinely dehumanising.

And it kind of annoys me when I’m told infodumping is a sort of ASD love language and I should feel honoured to be dumped on and treasure every rant because it means my DH feels close to me or trusts me.

I mean… I guess that’s nice for him.

But he’s not actually close to me, because he knows next to nothing about me these days, thanks to a total lack of interest / curiosity. And he has to trust me because I pay his bills and buy his pants and make sure there is food in the house and ensure his child is safe. It’s nothing to do with ‘love’ as most people understand it. It’s about usage.

No cowards here, I think we are all incredibly strong and trying to do what is best for our spouses, our dear children and ourselves. And each of knowing deep down what our pint of no return is. Finding this group literally saved my sanity and quite possibly my life.

Having conversations with my DH can often feel so draining, as they're not enjoyable in the same way as it often is with a NT person.

If I ask him a question, I may have to listen to a five minute "answer", during which he hasn't answered my question. So then, I have to ask him again and tell him that he hasn't actually answered my question. We can go round like this a few times before he may or may not answer my question. Sometimes, this can be so infuriating!

If on the other hand, he asks me about something, I'll answer and he'll just zone out. Again, infuriating. In the past, he's said he's had a meltdown because he's "had to" listen to me. Of course, I then can't help but think I must be an awful person.

The fallout...yes, always trying to avoid the fallout at all costs...and there are so many "costs".

This is like a bolt of clarity I hope to hold onto. Thank you for your sharing these thoughts.

This is interesting to read as I think we're the opposite. I think we're chatting and then it becomes clear that my ND husband wants "an answer" and that's all that matters so he zones out until I've got to the point. To me it's the back and forth and engagement in a conversation that is the point sometimes.

Being completely neurotypical I've just scrolled to the end without reading any of it. I just wanted to say that you only get one life so make sure you're happy! I spent years making allowances for my autistic husband but he never met my needs so it was never going to work.

Our elder two are going through exams and came into the sitting room to have a chat and say goodnight. They were with us for about 30 mins. DH didn’t put his computer down once. He did ask the odd question, but didn’t look up and when they didn’t answer, he didn’t seem to notice. 😶

How long were you with and when did you ditch him?

Kids or no kids?

Together for 12 years with two children. I didn't ditch him but wish I had! I kept making allowances until he cheated... he didn't meet my emotional needs and I obviously didn't meet his.