Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 11

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

ND people are more than welcome, some of us are in ND:ND relationships.

I was thinking of chengeing the thread Aspergers/ASD to ND, which I think might be more appropriate and inculsive, but I've left it as it is as I suspect many people find us by searching for Aspergers and/or ASD.

It's complicated and it's emotional.

The old thread is here

@Bunnyhair I can relate to that. I constantly feel like a fuck up because others are doing better. I’ve had to keep away from people because they make me feel so inadequate. I’ve no real support although I’d love some so badly. People are so incredibly judgmental.

Yes, there's not much understanding from the general public (i e ignorant people and school mums i my village!) for the NDs who aren't either also profoundly affected by a learning disability, or the 'high functioning' (no such thing!) Autistics who are just a bit quirky, quiet and introverted. My DD may come across as the latter but she will kick me, pinch or scream at me when her autonomy is threatened. If I was to reprimand her for such behaviour it would escalate into mayhem. Plus she doesn't mean to hurt me, it's her anxiety acting on her behalf. Like a threatened animal. It doesn't actually upset me as I know she can't help it. I walk on eggshells to ensure I speak in the right tone so as not suggest any demand involved. No one would believe if I told them I literally have to feed her most of the time (eating too much of a demand) and that she often needs help with toileting and hygiene things too.

@LittleSwede my sister in law likes to tell me how her child who she says is autistic is so well behaved and easy to raise. She just likes to sit inside and like you say play board games and collects things. She goes on about how you can love your child to better behaviour, it’s bollocks and condescending and I stay away from them. They think my parenting has caused my daughter’s behaviour. I think her daughter is just shy and introverted but that’s my opinion.

This resonates so much and I have been thinking of you alot. Sending you strength and love as you begin to navigate this. For me, I really knew things had to change when, after nearly two years of zero intimacy, and me basically begging, asking why, asking if there was another, and him brushing it off, I gasped in fear when i was getting out of the shower and barely had a towel around me. I did not want him to see me in that physically bare state any more. In fact I was afraid of it. It was at that moment I knew. And I knew he would make it the most difficult break up possible. It has been an uphill battle since leaving and he has taken zero accountability for any of it. So once again, I am left to manage this on my own too. I probably deserve it, I was the one who decided to end the marriage after all. He would have been content to live as room mates for the rest of our lives ( we are in our 40s) had I not had the courage to finally say enough.

sending everyone a hug today. I actually need one. I woke up crying today. I miss my kids so much. They are so upset over our divorce, they have only known life with me and their dad together, so this is so hard for them. I am so sad to have to put them through this and even to put him through this, but if I don't I will absolutely lose my mind and my self. I already had a breakdown over this last summer. I am trying so hard to make it through to the other side. I am ready to reclaim my life and happiness, but I feel like a selfish jerk for doing so.

You absolutely do not deserve to be made to suffer and feel bad about it, you did very brave thing to end it. It was the only option. Staying would have led to even more resentment, unhappiness and as a result probably ill health. You deserve so much more. It's still early days in a way (8 months?) and although it sounds tough now, you have your freedom and your girls will see you and your strength as you recover and will understand and appreciate your choice.

If it helps I will share that 35 years later I am so happy that DM found the courage to leave my DF (who sounds very much like your XH, and most certainlya lot like my H!) and after the initial upset over their divorce, I understood why she had to leave. My DB stayed with my DF but only for a couple of years. He would come and visit us a lot though so felt like still having a sibling.

Your daughters will understand and even if right now they are staying with your XH, it wouldn't be surprising if they moved into yours soon. Big strong Swedish coffee for you!

And thank you for sending me strength @nl55 I am working my way towards some sort of exit. My therapist is encouraging me to approach it with an amicable, open, honest conversation with my H (without accusations or making him take accountability, she suggests) but I'm not sure how that will go.

Now if only I could take my own advice! 😆

Is it mean of me to laugh at your description of man without trousers?! How does one lose them all? The mind boggles!!!!

Sorry, I really do sympathise. In our house DP will claim my things are his. And there is no question that they belong to me. So he will have an iPhone charger. They got lost and broken and left in hotels or at work or the kids pinch them…. Etc. But despite the fact he has ONE and I keep buying replacement cables and plugs, he will insist he has never lost one and the one he has is the same one he has had since the dawn of time. And I’m saying yes but I’ve bought nine!!! You have one. Why is it that I have none and you still have one? I haven’t lost nine cables!!!!! But there is no possibility of him having lost a single thing ever as he “is simply not someone who loses things”.

So I started buying more and marking them with secret pen dots. Next time he claimed this was certainly definitely 100% his charger as he “doesn’t lose things”, I turned it over and said but it’s got the black permanent mark I made on the bottom when I bought it.

He just shrugged and said “well someone else has lost mine then!”

GAHHHHHH!!! He loses stuff all the time! It just doesn’t fit with his perception of himself therefore it CANNOT have happened. It is of course me who must be wrong. Except when I’m not (see above) in which case then it must be another person who is wrong and has magically lost his things as it cannot have been him under any circumstance. The only explanation is someone else is to blame (conveniently overlooking the fact the charger which you have just sworn blind was 100% yours without any shadow of doubt whatsoever is proven to belong to me..??! What about that then??! Nope. Nothing. We will just let that one go then!)

Im so sorry. Sending peace and strength. This will pass eventually and you will get through this. Cxx

DP is currently cleaning his boots in the kitchen sink. It’s making me edgy. Am resisting urge to shout “do not clean your fucking shoes in the sink!!!” But I do manage to resist.

We are having a conversation about something else. He then starts wiping down the sink with tissue as if finished. I ask “you are going to disinfect the sink aren’t you?”

Of course this invites a strong reaction. Cue him telling me he doesn’t appreciate being hassled. I say I am not sure asking a singular question to check something actually counts as hassling someone though. Why such a strong reaction? Why not just say “yeah of course” He then proceeds to tell me it’s obvious he will clean it properly and I shouldn’t have to ask.

We continue our conversation and I notice he is actually using our washing up brush to scrub his filthy boots. I’m horrified. This isn’t the brush we have under the sink for such filthsome tasks. This is the brush we use to clean our plates etc! I say “goodness is that out washing up brush?!” And he starts raising his voice telling me doesn’t appreciate me standing there and he is managing the situation. I say yes but that is actually the washing up brush! He starts getting louder saying he shouldn’t have to explain himself. I ask why he’s shouting and getting annoyed. It’s a perfectly reasonable question to ask. There isn’t any need to get angry. He replies that he isn’t angry, he’s FRUSTRATED!!!! Which is what he always says when he gets angry and starts raising his voice as if calling it “frustration” rather than “anger” makes it ok.

I guess the word frustration probably implies that there is another person at fault (and back we arrive at his obsession with fault). As in he is just frustrated because someone else is causing it (external source: me = not his fault) whereas just plain anger comes from within (internal source: him = he is at fault).

All I have to do is ask two questions, questions which I think are reasonable. Using the washing up brush to scrub your muddy boots in the sink is quite 🤢 but asking this is all it takes to make him angry. He’s now told me I need to get out the kitchen and will probably be off with me for a few hours now.

It really doesn’t take much to set him off. I crave being with someone who has a normal reaction to things.

You are not a jerk @nl55 you’ve done everything you can and you’re now seeking some peace. Sending a hug

oh god @BustyLaRoux this is my DH totally. Our cat needed medicating at 7pm each day and at 11:30pm (I was actually away with DS) while we were messaging I asked if the cat had had their <can’t be missed> drugs (DH was out all day and evening and said he still wasn’t home) and he blew an absolute stack at me and said that he finds my questioning suffocating. It was one question. And one I should be able to ask!

Is this ‘autism’ or is this just being an aggressive dickhead? Because it sure feels like it. I'm convinced he has PDA - but at what point does he need to look at himself rather than me and the kids having to absorb his shittiness?

I used to question myself a lot before and would often ask myself am I going mad here. Is my perception of acceptable versus unacceptable really completely off. So many times I would say something I thought was very reasonable and would come away from conversation thinking WTAF just happened there.

@BustyLaRoux its absolutely disgusting to use the washing up brush to clean shoes. I would have had to say something too. I am glad you have this space to vent because it’s a lot what your going through.

This is just so awful and I am livid on your behalf. How unkind, ill informed and patronising!

@BustyLaRoux oh it gets worse. I’ve gone very low contact with his family now having let a lot of comments slip over the years. Here’s a few:

“I think it was for the best you had a miscarriage”

”M.E oh that’s just being lazy”

”None of the family have been divorced, we’ve made better choices”

”your daughter has come from a broken home and our other grandchildren have come from a loving calm home that’s why they are better behaved, perhaps you should be calm like their mum”

oh they go on and on!!

I think @Rainbow03there must be lots of these family’s out there who don’t like diverse children because they don’t understand or they just are up themselves as mine is exactly the same. @BustyLaRoux I can’t stand being around them anymore because I feel I’m going to let slip and start an argument and I don’t do conflict!

Yesterday I finally plucked up the courage and called the GP for an adult assessment to
find out if I’m ND. For myself and for others to maybe understand me a little better. I know say it’s going to take years!

My ASD dad also has a thing about being criticised. Will often tell me to stop questioning him. I think they both (DP and dad) see being asked a single question or a couple of questions in order to understand something = being challenged = being criticised. Because I cannot see how asking one or two questions to check something is going to be done / has been done can provoke such a furious reaction. My dad shouts at me “Stop questioning me!!!!”. My DP will raise his voice and tell me I’m hassling him and give me a lecture all about I should know this and of course that and he is this kind of person who would never do x or y. All while angrily standing there gesticulating snd speaking in a loud and pointed way (he uses phrases like “I have already stated to you….”) which seem very aggressive and unnecessary to me. A simple “yeah that’s fine, I’ll do it” is the response I would give or I would expect my DC to give or anyone else in fact. Whereas I know a simple “are you going to…?” Or a “have you done…?” will immediately set DP off.

I’ve been really mulling over this anger vs frustration and I think for DP I’ve hit the nail on the head.

He knows he shouldn’t be raising his voice to me. He knows I hate it. He knows it’s not OK. I’m not raising my voice. We aren’t arguing. It’s just him that’s doing it. And he knows he shouldn’t be.

So when I call him out on it and ask “but why the raised voice?” he will always say “I’m not angry, I’m just frustrated”. And I would always think but why does he think that sounds better than being angry. Why is frustration OK (in his head) but anger isn’t? And I think it is what I said earlier. Anger comes from within. It’s internal and is therefore “his fault”. Frustration is caused by someone else (me) so has an external nucleus and is therefore not his fault. He is just reacting. And to him, that’s OK then.

But then I got to thinking but isn’t this like those men (or women) who physically abuse their partner and say “look what YOU made do”. In other words they are not responsible. They had a reaction to the other person and it is the other person who is to blame (“you made me do this”). So isn’t “I’m just frustrated” as a defence when asked why the need to get so angry, actually just a way of defending poor behaviour and putting the blame for it on me!? And isn’t that a tactic of abusers? Made me feel a bit sick thinking about it really. Or am I overthinking it and getting a victim complex??

I do think it comes down to an absolute obsession with fault and blame and the double edged sword of always looking to criticise and blame others whilst simultaneously having a hair sensitive trigger to any suggestion that he could be at fault or blamed.

@CinnamonTart i find myself unable to distinguish between what is aggressive dickhead and what is ASD. DP and my dad are both like this. Both shout all the time. Both criticise all the time. Both hyper sensitive to any perceived suggestion they could be at fault and respond aggressively. For me then it’s hard to tell what’s what as this is my experience of ASD. I know this is not a reflective picture of all ASS individuals. I often wonder if I have ASD traits myself. I don’t behave like this. Many people on here are ASD and don’t behave like this. But I am unable to separate the two. And as we have said many times, does it even matter? It feels like emotionally being abused and whether this is because of a disability or because they’re abusive aggressive dickheads, unless they are willing to recognise it and change then it matters not.

OMFG!!!!! 🤬

Apparently he had already bought a new washing up brush so this was why he was using the old (current) one. Of course I didn’t know he had bought a new one. He could have said non aggressively “don’t worry I’ve bought a new one!” But no, I am supposed to intuit he’s bought one and because I haven’t been able to do that then he will shout at me that he has the situation under control and I am being controlling and of course he wouldn’t use the fucking washing up brush and can you just get out!!!!! It really is MY fault he is frustrated because I haven’t used my psychic powers to determine there is a new brush. Seems perfectly reasonable then that I should be shouted at for daring to ask!!!!

I wash shoes in the kitchen sink 🤫🙈 I’d probably use the sponge also! 🙀

My DH has the exact same issue and reading your posts has helped me a lot.

Oh, and I went through the same mental journey re: abuse. I have seen massive incremental improvements in DH's response to criticism, so there is hope. I don't have the energy to write it all now but one day I will to add a bit of positivity to this thread :)

It's hard work but I do believe there is hope.

Hugs to all of you.

In response to the above about looking for fault @BustyLaRoux. I think you maybe a little bit stuck on intent, it seems to come up an awful lot. Having a abusive behaviour doesn’t have to come from intent. What one person finds abusive another person might not. It’s about personal boundaries and we don’t all have the same. People seem to think all abusers wake up ready to abuse in the morning, it’s not the case. They aren’t trying do anything, it’s a response or a trigger a lot of the time that they aren’t willing or aren’t capable of controlling. You don’t have to like it or accept it just because the other person isn’t doing it on purpose. You sound a lot like you are trying to justify the way you feel and you don’t need to justify a boundary. Whether it’s anger or frustration it doesn’t really matter because the outcome for you is pretty much the same.

My ex could justify his behaviour, he did in court many times…”my back hurt, my dad abused me, she made me do it, I’ve adhd, I can’t help it, she said something I didn’t like”…the list goes on. Non of it excuses what it did to me and my daughter. He has moved on now to another lady and he shouts at her and he is using the same excuses and getting away with it for now. He has not looked within himself yet again.

I think it’s a waste of time trying to figure out intent and put the energy into why you want to accept behaviour that you don’t like.