Looking for advice, however harsh, although would appreciate some less harsh advice too.
I am one of three siblings- me (age 43) brother (41) and sister (38). Brother and I very similar; forthright, academically capable and have done well, work in “professional jobs” but deeply anxious and neurotic. Sister was diagnosed with autism in the 90s when she was about four and has always had problems associated with it. When she was diagnosed it hit our family very hard; my mum began having panic attacks and soon after my dad had a nervous breakdown, ostensibly associated with his job but I think my sister’s diagnosis didn’t help. It sounds mad now, but autism was so badly understood and hardly spoken about now. She was quite severe; non-verbal until aged around 8 or 9 and had to attend a special school. I think it hit my dad so badly as he had a brother with Down Syndrome growing up and therefore my sister being diagnosed with a “learning difficulty” as it was termed hit him really hard. My dad also has a sister who I think is autistic but was never diagnosed and who was in a bad marriage with a very controlling man (they are now divorced). I have a best friend- Fiona- who sister has never gotten on with because she thinks she doesn’t like her, but I think that really, it’s rivalry for my affections, although I may be wrong, maybe she just isn’t her kind of person (this is relevant). Fiona and I have been friends since primary school. Sister has never had a female friend and this is a big “missing” part of her life she talks about.
I have always been the “grown up” sibling. Even though I was only tenish when my sister was diagnosed and everything went to bollocks, I felt like I had to “hold everything together”. That has never really changed. I am very close to my mum but my dad is a depressive who is hard to get close to. I feel like my mum excuses a lot of my sister’s bad behaviour at the expense of me and brother and always has, even now we are adults. As a child and teen, I was made to take sister around with me and with my friends, which I didn’t think I minded but which as an adult I realise I did resent. I was very, very pious about never, ever criticising or slagging of my sister because “you have it so much easier” as both my parents and my grandparents used to drum into me. This also meant I have excused a lot of bad behaviour from her; she is very thoughtless and unreliable. She often forgets my birthday or just won’t turn up when we arrange to meet but I never call her out on it.
Fast forward to now. Brother and I both diagnosed in adulthood as being on the ASD spectrum and having ADHD. We are both married and have been since our late twenties, me with three kids and him with four. Sister lived at home until she was 34 and then at 35 married a guy she met online. No kids. Sister can’t hold down a job for reasons I think are associated with her diagnosis. Parents both still around by elderly and mum carer for my even more elderly grandad who lives with them.
My sister and my brother and I fell out around her now-husband and it all reached ahead around their wedding. Petty things, but things which hurt a lot at the time (for example sister paying for a £400 bridesmaid dress for her now-husbands sister and asking me to pay for my own – no big difference in our incomes and lifestyle- and asking his nieces and nephews to be bridesmaids/page boys but not hers). Sister has a history of MH difficulties, including suicidal thoughts in her twenties. Her MH got much worse around the wedding and afterwards; she was a nightmare to be around. What had always been a good relationship (I thought) with my sister started to sour when she met her now-husband and has gotten worse and worse over time, especially surrounding the wedding. I will admit to not being that fond of her husband; he is 18yrs older than her and very controlling in my opinion (and my brothers). He reminds us a lot of our ex-uncle. He feeds into her poor mental health struggles and is quite a gloomy character himself. I am always polite to him though and we have never fallen out.
Last weekend we all went to my brothers for a BBQ and sister found herself alone with my phone in the house. We were all outside and my four-year-old son came in and found her with my phone. She asked him for the passcode, which he knows from playing games on the phone and he gave her. She then proceeded to spend probably 15mins or so reading all the texts between me and Fiona going back over a year on my WhatsApp (that she is admitting to).
I admit absolutely that I have bitched about my sister in messages to Fiona, especially last year when they were moving house and there were some similarities between how she was behaving then and how she was around the wedding. I also bitched about her husband in these messages. They were bitchy but they were also a space for me to vent. I also told some stories there about them for comic effect about stupid things like when my BIL shut his foot in a car door on a family day out. I wasn’t nice about it at all and exaggerated elements of it for the laughs, I admit that, but I wasn’t saying it to him or my sister. I know that’s weak sauce as an excuse.
Anyway, sister has gone mad and is saying she wants us and my brother to have therapy together or she will no longer have us in her life. I don’t want that and will do the therapy but the situation just feels like a huge mess and I can’t see the wood for the trees… I would appreciate any advice you have. FWIW mum and dad think she was wrong to read the messages and say we all talk about people behind one another’s backs and brother agrees, but sister is very black and white and is behaving as though I have actually committed a murder (and claims to never have ever spoken about anyone behind their back).
I do see that slagging her off now to Fiona is a flip side of the years and years I never ever would spoken ill of her or have her spoken ill of.
Thanks in advance for any help or advice. I do think I need to talk about my relationship with her and my wider nuclear family with a therapist. My husband and teenage kids are all angry on my behalf as they see how hard I try with her. I apologise for the length.