Sister Argument- advice

[sisterHelp1]

Looking for advice, however harsh, although would appreciate some less harsh advice too.

I am one of three siblings- me (age 43) brother (41) and sister (38). Brother and I very similar; forthright, academically capable and have done well, work in “professional jobs” but deeply anxious and neurotic. Sister was diagnosed with autism in the 90s when she was about four and has always had problems associated with it. When she was diagnosed it hit our family very hard; my mum began having panic attacks and soon after my dad had a nervous breakdown, ostensibly associated with his job but I think my sister’s diagnosis didn’t help. It sounds mad now, but autism was so badly understood and hardly spoken about now. She was quite severe; non-verbal until aged around 8 or 9 and had to attend a special school. I think it hit my dad so badly as he had a brother with Down Syndrome growing up and therefore my sister being diagnosed with a “learning difficulty” as it was termed hit him really hard. My dad also has a sister who I think is autistic but was never diagnosed and who was in a bad marriage with a very controlling man (they are now divorced). I have a best friend- Fiona- who sister has never gotten on with because she thinks she doesn’t like her, but I think that really, it’s rivalry for my affections, although I may be wrong, maybe she just isn’t her kind of person (this is relevant). Fiona and I have been friends since primary school. Sister has never had a female friend and this is a big “missing” part of her life she talks about.

I have always been the “grown up” sibling. Even though I was only tenish when my sister was diagnosed and everything went to bollocks, I felt like I had to “hold everything together”. That has never really changed. I am very close to my mum but my dad is a depressive who is hard to get close to. I feel like my mum excuses a lot of my sister’s bad behaviour at the expense of me and brother and always has, even now we are adults. As a child and teen, I was made to take sister around with me and with my friends, which I didn’t think I minded but which as an adult I realise I did resent. I was very, very pious about never, ever criticising or slagging of my sister because “you have it so much easier” as both my parents and my grandparents used to drum into me. This also meant I have excused a lot of bad behaviour from her; she is very thoughtless and unreliable. She often forgets my birthday or just won’t turn up when we arrange to meet but I never call her out on it.

Fast forward to now. Brother and I both diagnosed in adulthood as being on the ASD spectrum and having ADHD. We are both married and have been since our late twenties, me with three kids and him with four. Sister lived at home until she was 34 and then at 35 married a guy she met online. No kids. Sister can’t hold down a job for reasons I think are associated with her diagnosis. Parents both still around by elderly and mum carer for my even more elderly grandad who lives with them.

My sister and my brother and I fell out around her now-husband and it all reached ahead around their wedding. Petty things, but things which hurt a lot at the time (for example sister paying for a £400 bridesmaid dress for her now-husbands sister and asking me to pay for my own – no big difference in our incomes and lifestyle- and asking his nieces and nephews to be bridesmaids/page boys but not hers). Sister has a history of MH difficulties, including suicidal thoughts in her twenties. Her MH got much worse around the wedding and afterwards; she was a nightmare to be around. What had always been a good relationship (I thought) with my sister started to sour when she met her now-husband and has gotten worse and worse over time, especially surrounding the wedding. I will admit to not being that fond of her husband; he is 18yrs older than her and very controlling in my opinion (and my brothers). He reminds us a lot of our ex-uncle. He feeds into her poor mental health struggles and is quite a gloomy character himself. I am always polite to him though and we have never fallen out.

Last weekend we all went to my brothers for a BBQ and sister found herself alone with my phone in the house. We were all outside and my four-year-old son came in and found her with my phone. She asked him for the passcode, which he knows from playing games on the phone and he gave her. She then proceeded to spend probably 15mins or so reading all the texts between me and Fiona going back over a year on my WhatsApp (that she is admitting to).

I admit absolutely that I have bitched about my sister in messages to Fiona, especially last year when they were moving house and there were some similarities between how she was behaving then and how she was around the wedding. I also bitched about her husband in these messages. They were bitchy but they were also a space for me to vent. I also told some stories there about them for comic effect about stupid things like when my BIL shut his foot in a car door on a family day out. I wasn’t nice about it at all and exaggerated elements of it for the laughs, I admit that, but I wasn’t saying it to him or my sister. I know that’s weak sauce as an excuse.

Anyway, sister has gone mad and is saying she wants us and my brother to have therapy together or she will no longer have us in her life. I don’t want that and will do the therapy but the situation just feels like a huge mess and I can’t see the wood for the trees… I would appreciate any advice you have. FWIW mum and dad think she was wrong to read the messages and say we all talk about people behind one another’s backs and brother agrees, but sister is very black and white and is behaving as though I have actually committed a murder (and claims to never have ever spoken about anyone behind their back).

I do see that slagging her off now to Fiona is a flip side of the years and years I never ever would spoken ill of her or have her spoken ill of.

Thanks in advance for any help or advice. I do think I need to talk about my relationship with her and my wider nuclear family with a therapist. My husband and teenage kids are all angry on my behalf as they see how hard I try with her. I apologise for the length.

OP, this is your life until you try to change it.
God love you but it really isn't normal nor healthy to spend a morning crying and wound up like this.
This is really fxxked up.
Your fxxked up rearing has put you in a shocking place.
Not surprised your parents who have emotionally abused you your whole childhood are happily sitting on the fence.
Suits them just fine up there.

Thanks @Jhgdsd - no, I know it's not normal. And I know that the way they're behaving is just carrying on the dysfunction and I should ignore it.

I've managed not to make any contact with her for six days now- the longest I've ever managed to be silent with anyone in my life tbh. I'm horrible at the silent treatment. I'm trying to draw strength from changing from doing what I always do, even if it's only six days worth. It's still a change to how I always behave. It's so hard though.

@Hugosmaid

"You are not there to fix everyone’s shit."

This is what I'm repeating over and over to myself. It's a hard habit to break as I've done it all of my life, but I do know that that's true. I just don't feel it!

Thank you @AbbieLexie. These words of wisdom from everybody here are helping.

This happens to almost everyone who addresses family dynamics @sisterHelp1. The guilt starts.

You mentioned the silent treatment. The silent treatment is a manipulation and can be an abuse tactic. You are doing neither, you are protecting yourself and by extension the people in your life who rely on you from the serious dysfunctional behaviour in your family. That is not the same as silent treatment. You did not start that dynamic, you are not responsible for it, you cannot change it, you can only protect yourself from it.

Just remember that she’s currently pretending everything is “normal” in the family WhatsApp chat. She’s waiting for you to break because that’s what you have always done in the past. She’s relying on you not to put yourself and therefore your family first.

Your family deserve a wife and mother who is not being drained of all their energy by toxic people, even if they are your extended family.

You should definitely read ‘doing the work’ by Nicole LePera. You will see yourself in it and learn how to step away

Thanks @Hugosmaid for that recommendation- I've downloaded it onto my kindle.

I've actually had a lot of success with self help books before when it comes to anxiety and work related stress... I wonder if anyone has any other suggestions of books that might help me with all of this. I'm specifically looking for ones around family dynamics of sisters, dealing with autistic family members, dynamics where one person is always the scapegoat within a family etc. All recommendations welcome.

This thread has been so much help to me in getting my thoughts straight, I do really appreciate every comment that every person has taken time out to post.

You deserve so much better that the childhood you hand.
You are not alone in the way you were reared.
Your parents have utterly failed you.
It will be hard to take a step awa from them all, but ultimately it is the only way for you to have some peace.
The longer the space the easier it will become.
You do not want her in your life bullying you when your parents have gone.
Keep posting and take one day at a time.

Thanks @Jhgdsd. I love my parents but I know that they've got it very wrong in some areas. I do know too that my sister- for all her meek and mildness in lots of ways- is a bully and that her behaviour is bullying. But even writing that down feels so wrong; it's so not the family narrative and even though that's the truth as I can see it with my eyes and ears, it doesn't even feel like I can write down, let alone believe it!

OP... you know what?

I don't think you're the "lucky one".

In fact, no one in your family sounds like lucky ones.

Your description of your growing up portrays a very dysfunctional family where everyone has suffered, and continues to suffer, including both your parents. And where everyone has been made to feel guilty and hurt for one reason or other. You have all ended up with mental health issues, quite severe as it seems (this is independently of any neurodiverse diagnosis), as a result of it and are all still paying the consequences.

I believe the first thing you need to admit and internalise is that one. That you're not "lucky". That you suffered as a child, and are suffering as an adult. That you had very little choice in how things panned out. And that your siblings and parents also did. However, your parents were the adults responsible for you and your siblings. So they bear most of the responsibility.

You, and your siblings, are now trying to live with the crappy, dysfunctional foundations that your parents lay down for you. ANd hence, understandably, struggling.

The conflict between you, your DB and your DSis is a consequence of that. In each individual event, yes, there wil be one person who bears most of the "responsibility", but overall there are no culprits in here. You're all trying to do the best with the tools you have, and each of your tools are crooked in different ways.

Therapy is, actually, a very good idea, but not as a way to "compensate" your DSis for what she found when she got into your phone, but to try to understand, and make peace with, your childhood. All of you three.

I wish you the best and I apologise if I have misinterpreted anything that I have read and caused you distress.

have you spoken to a friend in real life about it all? Or your husband?

Your sister’s behaviour was outrageous here. She has refused to apologise, in fact has doubled down. And your parents just downplay it and pretend it’s nothing.

It’s fascinating that you are struggling to recognise just how badly she has behaved here.

Sounds like you have been under-reacting for YEARS!

OP I haven't read the whole thread but am glad you are open to self-help books. There is one called "The normal one" that gives validation and support to people with difficult siblings. Try and check it out.

Another few tips:

• ask yourself why your sister's needs (and everyone else's need for peace in the family) are more important than your personal boundaries? Why is this boundary violation okay with everyone? Probably because your family system has become warped over the years. It's really not okay to sneak into someone's phone and read their messages and never has been.
• Get some therapy!! Explore your belief about yourself and your value. If you get a good therapist I guarantee this will help you see that setting boundaries is actually a loving and healthy thing to do.

And finally the foot in the car door thing was funny. It's the kind of thing I would vent to a girlfriend during a visit with my family. You sound lovely and like you're trying so hard to make the best of a difficult situation. But remember that you matter!!!