Come and give my head a wobble please

[Closethedoorfred]

I’m in my 40s and I’ve known a t guy since I was about 18. We dated for about 6 months but we were kids and I didn’t want settle. He always jokes I was the one that got away.

We stayed in very very sporadic contact such as social media - just photo likes the odd hi how you doing - nothing beyond that.

I separated from my husband a couple of years ago and he started reaching out more.

He is married, she is very beautiful but younger and they have kids

Ive had a really shit couple of years and he has actually been really supportive - too supportive and I know that I shouldn’t be allowing it but I was lonely. I’m in a much better place now but he is now leaning on me a lot - especially for his relationship issues - where I talked him out of leaving her. Says he can’t talk to anyone else like me ( I know it’s a cliche)

We’ve been out a couple of times for drinks - he didn’t try a kiss me or try and come in but there is still a lot of sexual chemistry there. I enjoy his company. He texts/rings me most mornings on the way to work

He wants to take me away for the night for my birthday - he will pay for separate rooms. 🙈

But I know we are sailing very very close to the wind.

I know I have to call time on it as I’m not that woman and I know I’m being selfish. I feel like I struggle to do it because he was there for me when I was crying most days. I’m pissing myself off with it

Love, from someone who was once in very similar circumstances, and no, it didn't end well, you know that this has to stop. It may well be one of the hardest things you ever do, but you have to end the relationship and go no contact. As for going away with him, the hotel staff may well make a mistake <cough, cough> and book a double room for the two of you, he may try to persuade you to join him in his room or you may have drinks and think "Sod it!" and invite him to yours. Sorry, but I wouldn't wish what happened to me after my similar situation came to a crashing end on my own worst enemy, if I had one. Choose to be sensible, poppet.

Don't be that woman.

He's currently cheating on his wife, with you, whilst no physical things have happened - emotionally, yes.

There's your head wobble. End it.

It’s the ‘sod it’ I’m worried about. Thank you for your honest x

Thank you x

It's worth thinking what are you hoping to achieve / do when away as in where is all this leading??
It's building from chat to drinks to a night ... yes we can have special male friends I'm not with most of Mumsnet who I think are a bit OTT about male / female friendships BUT you have to think is this actually leading to an affair. It might be better to think what you want, have a serious chat with him then make a decision and reboundary it whatever depending on what is said.

You’re already having an emotional affair which is heading towards a physical one.

Don't be that woman who is complicit in potentially ruining another woman’s marriage helping destroy a family.

Be better than that even if he’s not.

Speaking as someone who has been on both sides and is in therapy...future you will thank you for walking away. Keep your integrity intact.

Depends what you want out of it?

Is he likely to leave his wife for you? Is his marriage on the rocks so this is his way of escaping it?

Not excusing affairs (as I have been on receiving end) but there are people out there in unhappy marriages who do meet with someone they have a connection to and they do live happily ever after. But, it doesn't happen often as family life and divorce are big things to go through.

It sounds like you know what you need to do. It will be painful and you’ll miss him, but it’s for the best. Try not to be too hard on yourself. It’s really lonely when a marriage ends. And when someone is there, especially someone saying things like, ‘you’re the one who got away’ it can be really comforting. You need and deserve support and friendship.

But it’s not fair on his wife. I know you know that.

I know it’s not fair on his wife.

Thank you all for your replies and experience , I’ve read them all. I was expecting harsh response ( and rightly so) but youve been very kind.

I don’t see him as a life partner and he will never leave his kids - which I’d never want 🤯

So it’s all got a bit silly really. I’ll nip it in the bud tonight - I think I just needed to speak about it in RL

thank you all

“We’ve been good mates and I appreciate the support you gave me when I was going through a rough time. But mates is it. Turn your focus to your wife and kids.
”You wouldn’t be happy if a male friend took her away for the weekend; I’m not letting you take me.”

Job done. Integrity intact.

I don’t know why but this makes me angry and I also have a feeling it’s made up. Why would he pay to take you away for your birthday that is expensive and he has a wife and children?

Have an honest chat with him FTF
You can possibly be friends but after a bit of space and reboundaried.
Why do you not see him as a life partner?
It sounds like he is the keen one.

This is an emotional affair on the brink of a full blown one.

Step away, tell him why. Go no contact, this will only end in tears all round.

I don’t see him as a life partner because I’ve changed so much as a person ( and so as he) but when I’m with him I’m 18 again. ( sad I know)

He isn’t keen in a way that I’ve felt he is just trying to get me in to bed. Just very tender and caring, being my biggest cheer leader. Which I’ve lapped up

I'm not gonna bash you or give your head a wobble, in your forties you don't need me (45)
to do that.
All I can say, fantasy is always better than reality.
Personally, I have been (happily) married for 20 years, child free and if I live long enough, I'm gonna enjoy every minute of being on my own again.
No male "partner" will ever get anywhere near me.
Sorry if not helpful! 😐

He says you're the one that got away. He calls you on his way to work. He makes you feel 18 again. It's all a fantasy.

He doesn't see you, the real you. He sees a perfect version of you, who he meets him for drinks, who is there for him and warm towards him but is untouchable. He has desire. He has excitement. He has the fantasy play out in his head.

The moment any boundary was crossed it would shatter. You would have fallen from grace. No longer perfect, no longer unobtainable. You would become a regret, a secret, an inconvenience that could ruin his life. You will suddenly pale next to is young and beautiful wife.

It's not real. It's imaginary, and sometimes when we are vulnerable, sad or lonely it's easy to get sucked into to fairytales, wishful thinking and the idea of old flames and true love. We want to believe in those things.

The friendship you have now has never been stress tested, it's never been more than the easy part, you have never met more than the best bit of him, that version of himself he shows you for the few hours you spend together. Or the hazy memories of a 6month relationship in your teens. The him you know isn't all of him, it's the just the bits he's let you see. So your idea of him isn't real either. He's got a wife he's willing to cheat on, he has problems in his relationship with her, which he talks about to you behind her back, they argue and im sure it's not pretty. You're looking at him very favourably for a man who is considering doing something terrible. And if he left her, you should know that he won't be any different just because he's with you. You would just be on the other side where his wife is, with the arguments and reality.

You know you need to walk away from this now, while you still can. It won’t end well and you deserve better than this. X

You ARE that woman already. You're having an affair. I hope you did what you said you would and ended it yesterday because this has heartache and disaster written all over it.

I don’t think it is your head that needs a wobble.

You’re obviously his escape from his day to day life and weird time loop from being a man in his 40s to an 18yr old. A lot of ppl would like that. You’ve acknowledged you’ve both changed so this would never work long term, it would only lead to one or a few shags then a shitstorm and you having a hand in ruining his wife’s, childrens and his lives.

It’s a fantasy you’re both clinging to as a form of escapism, more important since you’re both middle aged - you divorced and him in a potentially boring/unsatisfying/stressful-with-kids life.

If he left his family for you it would not last more than a few weeks or months bc the reality will never live up to the fantasy - you AREN’T 18yr old you, and neither’s he, and the guilt of him shafting his family would be redirected in the form of resentment towards you, especially if you didn’t live up to the image he has created of you which would justify him fucking off his family for.

He is probably looking for either a way out and he’s latched onto you and this fantasy of regaining his youth, in which case he’ll inevitably be disappointed and make you feel like shit, or worse he’ll just want a bit on the side bc he couldn’t possibly leave his family - you’ve said he wouldn’t leave his kids already - and you’ll equally feel like shit bc he’s having his cake and using you.

Either scenario it’s a lose-lose situation for you isn’t it. Don’t indulge in this fantasy. It’s a waste of your time. Put your energy into meeting a SINGLE man you can build a life with. You wouldn’t want your OH pissing all over your marriage and treating you this way. Don’t do this to his wife and kids.

I’m going to flip this and tell you what he is doing to his wife.

• he’s lying to her on a daily basis
• he’ll be gaslighting her if she’s noticed the texting and is asking about the nights he goes out
• if shes noticed her anxiety will be building and she’ll be feeling hypervigilant
• she may be trying to battle for his attention and affection as she realises he’s drawing away
• She’ll be questioning herself, what have I done? Why does he seem so withdrawn? She may even start to worry about him.
• he’s most likely eating up emotional energy and valuable time with his children by contacting you
• Ive known of many men who are having affairs who are snappy and unkind to the members of their family (wife and children) who they see as getting in the way of their ego kibbles from the OW
• she may be trying to balance the families money, while he spends it on dinners and plans minibreaks
• and this is before the potential sexually contact which would remove her right to informed sexual consent

He is not a prince among men. He’s abusive (gaslighting, manipulating, lying) to a woman he should be protecting and value, the mother of his children. He’s not a hero.

You are a fool for thinking anything different and I don’t mean that to be unkind. You need to place yourself in his wife’s shoes and see him for who he ACTUALLY is. Not this fantasy you’ve created in your head.

Go no contact and stay no contact for your own good because there could be a time he does this to you too if this carries on.

He is probably talking to other women.

You don't owe him anything just because he was supportive.

Time to distance yourself before you make a mistake and regret it.

I've been the wife in a situation like this. It has destroyed so much of my life. I have to do parent with my ex and keep my feelings away from our young daughter even though he lied to my face for months, tried to blame me, made out I was losing my mind all so he could leave guilt free. We're a year down the line and he's admitted he could have handled it better. Relationships break down, I'm not saying mine wouldn't have anyway, but the way it fell apart has such a lasting effect on everyone - do you really want to be involved in that? I know my ex was the one that did what he did, but like you, the woman was 100% aware of me and our small child so she's not exactly come out of this smelling of roses either...

I don't think anyone knows the nature of the man and his wife's marriage.
But OP have an honest chat about what's happening and pull back now because you are really on the brink of an imminent affair.
My guess is he's looking for a way out- but you don't even want him as a life partner and he is still married.