feeling impatient waiting for partner to sort his life out

[marzipanbattenburg]

Just need a little vent as I'm feeling sad, my birthday is coming up and I'm turning 34. DP has always wanted a family with 1-2 kids, I have been much more hesitant but in the past 18 months decided that I would like to have a baby. I NEVER would have predicted I would feel this way as was totally disinterested before. I love kids and have plenty of experience with them, just didn't want to be a parent or have a family. But things changed after some much-needed therapy to work through my own truly dysfunctional parental relationships.

We're in a (mortgaged) 1-bed flat on the outskirts of a city, it's quite a rough area and flat is tiny but it was all that's within budget. We cannot relocate for a cheaper location/larger property due to work (we're already in the cheapest location in this city, and moving out of the city would entail a VERY expensive commuting bill). I'm resigned to the idea of raising a family in a 1-bed flat, luckily we have a garden and a park 5 mins away. I do not think that a 3-bed semi is a requirement for having children.

Money is very tight. I made some savvy investments in my early 20s and got the deposit for this flat. I then had a lot of bad luck with work for years, went back to uni to retrain so was a mature student for ages earning a pittance, and after more unemployment I've finally got a job offer. Meanwhile DP has spent years getting out of five-figures debt. He is from a working class background and his family is truly lovely but have a history of bad finances. My family are immigrants but have become more upwardly mobile because they bought property in the 70s for a pittance, and the housing markets then went mad. So I don't think that the debt was his 'fault' and I'm proud of him for getting out but at the same time I'm so frustrated that money continues to hold us back.

After 10 years co-habiting I have decided that I want to be married before starting a family. I know that it's not a necessity, but I have thought it through at length and it is what I want. DP agreed (no romantic proposal!) and we began costing out weddings, soon discovered how prices spiral madly. The cheapest is local registry office £500 for 9am and 2 witnesses signing papers only! We want to have a small ceremony and a meal. Backyard wedding is not an option, we don't know anyone with a suitable house and garden. We have looked into micro-weddings around 12 people but it's still pricey where we live, and ultimately DP does not want a wedding without all his friends and family. It's complicated because we have a large family and personally I am closer to my friends than my immediate family, who can be toxic and manipulative. I would be gutted not to have my best friend at my wedding day. However, at the same time I would never ever be able to live down inviting mates but not my mother !!

So the upshot of it is-

1. DP wants to save more money so that he is in a less precarious situation, before spending it on a wedding
2. DP then needs to save for the wedding
3. DP wants a lovely wedding with loads of mates but cannot afford to pay for it, and is reluctant to have a tiny wedding with compromises
4. Asking family for money isn't an option
5. Meanwhile I'm turning 34, don't want to delay pregnancy much longer and feel like I'm held back because of him! Even though I love him and understand where he's coming from!

Argh.

Get married in the registry office, then have the baby, then get married publicly a few years later

You can get married for the Legal protections * without a wedding. Save your money for a future child. Yes you can have babies in a one bed.

If he is bad with money maybe don't get married. Protect yourself.

Make sure you get good maternity pay. Consider childcare costs. You can return to work at six months. No need to take unpaid mat leave

So essentially - you want your DP to play ball with everything YOU want but are getting fustrated that he wants a wedding where his friends can attend?

If your biological clock is ticking and you cant afford a wedding that pleases you both then maybe you need to make some sacrifices?

This reads very me me me.

What kind of job do you both do? Will salaries increase in the coming few years? Could either of you seek higher paid jobs?

Honestly, I think you both need to think hard about your priorities. Is yours baby - marriage - money - wedding? What is his? Does starting
a family rank above the big wedding for him, when he thinks about it, or not? If so, he'll need to accept that he has to act on that and might need to compromise. Yes women do have babies 35 or 40+, but he needs to understand that you start to lower the odds very quickly as you get older.

A marriage and a wedding aren’t the same thing. If you want to be married, get married as cheap as you can. Have the wedding later. Honestly, I had the big expensive country manor wedding with all the guests and it was a lovely day, but it’s just a party and you don’t need a party to build a life together. I didn’t pay a penny for any of it, but really it wasn’t worth what it cost. If we’d been paying for it ourselves, definitely would have done it registry office and a little party after. I love Dh but I barely think about our wedding now, don’t look at the photos, etc. Really it’s just a fancy party.

Thanks. yes, this is how I feel. I guess I'm just not that bothered by the 'wedding day'. We have been to some friends' HUGE weddings and frankly we were overwhelmed by them and wouldn't want it for ourselves. But even a 'smaller' do costs a few grand.

Does he actually want a child or is he putting that off to 'someday when things are better' as well. Because you have a biological time limit and he does not and if he is procrastinating about the 'right time' to do weddings and children then the 'right time' will slip by.

Haha, no, I'd love a wedding where all of our mates can attend, including 'his' mates. But even on the cheap it would cost £20k minimum, really more like £30k, which is totally out of the question and would take MANY more years to save - by which time costs would increase yet again due to inflation, etc etc.

My advice to you is don't get married. Tying yourself and future children to someone that can't manage their finances like an adult is a ridiculously stupid think to do.

yeah this is it, basically, you've hit the nail on the head with my concerns.

It’s not what I’d usually say, but if he’s so rubbish with finances, I wouldn’t marry him

He doesn't sound like a keeper, if he's this disorganised and dreadful with money.

Can you do a registry wedding, then just a really great party later at a nice venue, organise decent catering and a free bar and a DJ or a band. That’s what most people remember nice food and drink and a relaxed fun time. Don’t have it at a wedding venue ( which multiplies the cost straight away) with all the extra costs that brings, flowers, fancy meal, table favours, big drinks bill, harpist and all that unnecessary hoo ha.

Honestly, I think you've both got your head in the sand. A wedding is the very least of your worries. How on earth are you going to manage in a 1 bed flat with all the crap that babies then toddlers need, let alone a school age child. And all in a rough area? Are you considering how a child is going to feel when their school friends want to come home and they don't have any space to do so?

A PP was right saying this is all very me me me.

Ordinarily I'd say its better to be married before DC's as it usually protects women. But in this case, you own your own flat and if he's not named on the mortgage- which he shouldn't be given his debts would of caused worse terms and it was you who paid the deposit - then marrying gives away half of your assets whereas he has non to bring to the table. So you have nothing to gain and potentially half to lose. Therefore, if a DC is what you want I'd say go for it without marriage. Make sure it's understud that he will have to do half the housework and childcare and keep working full time after, then you have nothing to lose. He has to stump up half of nursery fees to enable you both to work, none of this it's not worth my while to carry on working crap, because that's rarely true. If your dream is to be a SAHM however, marriage is the sensible way - but then I don't see being a SAHM as ever sensible under any circumstances.

This is a good point and maybe I've been romanticising the idea of marriage too much and not focussed on the legal/financial implications. I guess I was drawn to the ideas of unity/stability as I had little of that growing up.

I want to emphasise that the disorganised finances are my partner's main flaw and something that he has worked really hard to change. I'm not holding the poor decisions made over a decade ago against him, however i feel weary cos those decisions have had such longterm implications. He is an extremely lovely person, supportive, kind, generous, and would make a fantastic and very hands-on parent.

Honestly, I think you've both got your head in the sand. A wedding is the very least of your worries. How on earth are you going to manage in a 1 bed flat with all the crap that babies then toddlers need, let alone a school age child.

My thoughts exactly. Plus he's crap with money. A recipe for disaster....

OP agree with others. I’m the first to say marriage before babies and the protection it gives. But that’s recognising that in most cases, it’s the woman who makes the financial sacrifices when babies come along and the man who forges ahead without compromising a career.

But he’s shit with money and you own your own property. Don’t marry him! Don’t wait to have a baby either. Sounds like the strongest option here is to have the baby you want but to keep your finances separate.

Your surname, though!

The flat is yours, and the debt is his? Why on earth would you get married? He could decide he hates being a parent and walk off with half your flat, and you get left half his debt. And all the time living together will count so it wont be a 'short marriage' where that wont happen. Have a baby, see how it goes, do the marriage thing much later when you know how he takes to parenting, because you dont know him as a parent yet.

Go to the register, get married and in a couple of years or more, when you can afford it do the meal reception.

Agree with others - he's currently not a great bet financially, so I would hold off on marriage until you see how he is at being a parent & sharing the financial load of maternity leave, childcare etc

Have a baby first, it'll be a few years until you need to move out of the flat, you'll just have to be savvy with the baby crap that you buy!

Umm a wedding doesn't need to cost that. We had a wedding last year for 65 guests and it cost £4500.

Agree with PPs. Why do you want to get married? Is the flat in your sole name now?

I wouldn't even think about marrying
this particular partner.
But then, I'm already long time married and much older than OP.

If you can’t afford a small wedding, you definitely cannot afford a child. Have a read of the cost of living threads and think about if you want to be queuing for the foodbank and raising a child in poverty? Because if you can’t afford to move now, it won’t be happening with maternity leave and childcare fees