feeling impatient waiting for partner to sort his life out

[marzipanbattenburg]

Just need a little vent as I'm feeling sad, my birthday is coming up and I'm turning 34. DP has always wanted a family with 1-2 kids, I have been much more hesitant but in the past 18 months decided that I would like to have a baby. I NEVER would have predicted I would feel this way as was totally disinterested before. I love kids and have plenty of experience with them, just didn't want to be a parent or have a family. But things changed after some much-needed therapy to work through my own truly dysfunctional parental relationships.

We're in a (mortgaged) 1-bed flat on the outskirts of a city, it's quite a rough area and flat is tiny but it was all that's within budget. We cannot relocate for a cheaper location/larger property due to work (we're already in the cheapest location in this city, and moving out of the city would entail a VERY expensive commuting bill). I'm resigned to the idea of raising a family in a 1-bed flat, luckily we have a garden and a park 5 mins away. I do not think that a 3-bed semi is a requirement for having children.

Money is very tight. I made some savvy investments in my early 20s and got the deposit for this flat. I then had a lot of bad luck with work for years, went back to uni to retrain so was a mature student for ages earning a pittance, and after more unemployment I've finally got a job offer. Meanwhile DP has spent years getting out of five-figures debt. He is from a working class background and his family is truly lovely but have a history of bad finances. My family are immigrants but have become more upwardly mobile because they bought property in the 70s for a pittance, and the housing markets then went mad. So I don't think that the debt was his 'fault' and I'm proud of him for getting out but at the same time I'm so frustrated that money continues to hold us back.

After 10 years co-habiting I have decided that I want to be married before starting a family. I know that it's not a necessity, but I have thought it through at length and it is what I want. DP agreed (no romantic proposal!) and we began costing out weddings, soon discovered how prices spiral madly. The cheapest is local registry office £500 for 9am and 2 witnesses signing papers only! We want to have a small ceremony and a meal. Backyard wedding is not an option, we don't know anyone with a suitable house and garden. We have looked into micro-weddings around 12 people but it's still pricey where we live, and ultimately DP does not want a wedding without all his friends and family. It's complicated because we have a large family and personally I am closer to my friends than my immediate family, who can be toxic and manipulative. I would be gutted not to have my best friend at my wedding day. However, at the same time I would never ever be able to live down inviting mates but not my mother !!

So the upshot of it is-

1. DP wants to save more money so that he is in a less precarious situation, before spending it on a wedding
2. DP then needs to save for the wedding
3. DP wants a lovely wedding with loads of mates but cannot afford to pay for it, and is reluctant to have a tiny wedding with compromises
4. Asking family for money isn't an option
5. Meanwhile I'm turning 34, don't want to delay pregnancy much longer and feel like I'm held back because of him! Even though I love him and understand where he's coming from!

Argh.

Weddings don't have to cost a fortune. Mine is costing £138 (£30 x 3 for Notice of Intent and £68 registration on the day), 10.30 on a Wednesday, just the two of us and two witnesses - when we find them. You can always have a party at a local community hall after and make it bring a food plate and bottle :)

I do understand your concerns so I’ll share my experience with you. My partner and I have very different backgrounds. I come from a middle class family, my family own a big house, we never had to worry about money growing up. My partner is from a working class family, grew up on the poverty line, abusive parents etc. He was not good with money at all when we were first together, he was never taught about savings, living within your means, budgeting etc. I have always been much more careful and was encouraged to work from a very young age and save up my own money for luxuries etc.

my frustrations with him mainly were around motivation and career progression. I found it hard to understand his lack of work ethic for a long time. However, once we had children everything changed. He’s so determined to provide for his family and better himself in all aspects of life. He’s now very careful with money and we are much more equal career wise.

If you truly love your partner and want to have him as the father of your babies… then get married at the registry office, do the wedding part later and have kids before you miss your chance (a friend of mine went into early menopause at 37 and missed her chance so I feel strongly about this, having watched the pain and grief she went through)

ive seen lots of people say don’t marry him if he isn’t reliable with money, however I disagree. You know him and if you trust him to support you and your future family then I can’t see why that’s an issue, especially if he’s worked hard to get out of dept x

£500 registry office is insane! Try looking further afield. We had a lovely micro wedding (registry office, photos and meal) but it wasn't local to us at all (7 hour drive, hotel stay!). Can't remember the registry office fees but it was under £200 and it was a beautiful registry office too! It doesn't have to be In your local area.

In your shoes though I'd ttc before a wedding. Ds was an adorable toddler page boy on our special day and I wouldn't have changed a thing. You do have to be sure he's fully on board with the wedding if doing it this way though and maybe your DP isn't that into it.

A tough situation, I hope you work something out.

Why not marry to a registry office then meet friends and family at a pub.
no need to buy into wedding hysteria

OP I don’t think marriage is the right move. I was in a similar position, my now DH had some debt but wanted a big wedding (so did I but was quite happy to cut costs on things, but he wasn’t), we went ahead with the wedding because like you I wanted to be married first. And like you I had my own mortgaged property. Fast forward, I was waiting for DH to save a deposit for our “planned” move because the house wasn’t big enough, turned out he had more debt than I knew about and we are still no further on years later, I’ve pretty much missed my chance to have a baby (though I have a child from a previous relationship) and it’s caused huge issues in our marriage.

Right now you’re financially secure, don’t give that up.
You need to weigh up if you want a baby regardless of the potential that your relationship may not last, and if you could cope financially if that happened.
Are you willing to give up your bedroom so that your DC can have a room of their own? Because it would be unfair to have a child and expect them to share with you indefinitely, and unfair for them to have to sleep in the living room permanently when they are in high school.
Also, do you want your child going to school in a rough area? Will they be safe?

I don't think he's the right fit. You've already wasted years of your life. Think long & hard about your next step.

This is a good point thanks, didn't think about other registry offices. I believe that our local council are charging loads for registries as a money making scheme. Thanks for your supportive comment.

I'm really pleased you got it in for that cost. That's awesome.

He was crap a decade ago, and is paying off his debts still. Doesn’t mean he is crap now…

Thank you very much for your supportive comment and for sharing. We definitely have a very similar vibe to you guys, in the difference in personality/attitude to money, which is very much influenced by the differences in upbringing and the various privileges and disadvantages associated. (Without getting into any more detail, as I already feel quite exposed.) He has got SO much better, it's a real transformation and I feel it bodes well for the future.

I totally get you. For all it’s worth, I love my partner endlessly, despite his past depts 🤣 and he’s the besttttt dad to our children.
I think you’ll be just fine x

I think I’d knock the marriage on the head for the moment and start trying for a baby. It’s one of those rubbish situations where you don’t know how easy it will be to fall pregnant until you actually start trying.

I’d also be really thinking of the longer term plan with housing. It’s completely fine and doable to raise a baby in a one bed flat with no outdoor space but it’ll get so much harder when they become a toddler and older.

Thank you for your supportive comment and sharing your experience. These are some v good questions to reflect on! Cheers.

What's your new job going to pay? Is there a possibility of an increase in the next few years? How is your partner with money now day to day?

It's not just on him, you've been out of work as well, it depends how much he'll commit to achieving these things with you as a full equal partner

I agree...does he actually want to get married, considering your financial situation, he knows very well that you won't be able to afford the wedding he wants for a long time, is that on purpose on his part? Wanting his mates etc. Marriage is marriage, if he wants marriage he will do it within your means but it sounds like he is stalling under other guises

DP wants a lovely wedding with loads of mates but cannot afford to pay for it

So he's living in LALA Land.

Don't have a child with this man child. You'll end up running around after him, baby, and all financials.