I blocked my boyfriend today :(

[Alasia24]

Hi.
I want to preface this by saying I was diagnosed with generalised anxiety disorder a long time ago, have no friends or social life (out of choice - I don't want to make friends as then I'd have to actually see them and I prefer to be alone), I work from home as I couldn't hold an 'out of the house' job down (I'd walk out and never go back for the most stupid reasons, like dropping a bottle of wine and making a mess; my panic would be overwhelming and I'd just go home mid-shift), I've got a lot of abuse and trauma type stuff running from my childhood and all my adult relationships have been with people who manipulated, lied, cheated, hit me, etc.

I've been seeing a man for 8 months who seems to love the bones of me. In fact, too much. I can't see why he puts up with the stuff I put him through - 'stuff' being blocking him on all methods of contact on a regular basis when he asks to see me and it freaks me out, or accidentally mentions something from his past which triggers me, or just being stable for a week and enjoying seeing him a couple of times, that also seems to set me into some sort ls panic that I'll be 'dragged into' a relationship I don't want.

Because I keep saying I don't want a relationship; I've been controlled, not listened to, demeaned so often that the fun has been sucked out of relationships for me and even my boyfriend coming to my house to see me and just sit cuddling up watching TV has become too much mental effort. So I try and keep him at arms length, messaging on Facebook and avoiding his questions as to when he'll see me next.

Sometimes, when I have the 'spoons' I can manage to see him, sometimes for a day or two in a row and it's lovely but then he goes and I spiral again, feeling like I can't see him anymore and thinking I should end it to put him out of his misery.

He maintains that I'm all he's ever wanted (we knew each other as friends for a long time before we got together but he lived in another country back then, so our friendship was basically conducted on msn and then Facebook) and that having me in his life (even when I can't manage to see him) is always better than not having me there at all.

But, today I blocked him again. The reason? He'd mentioned one of his oldest friends had mentioned me when they were out last night and asked to see me at her house.
That scared the life out of me; I can't go to peoples houses and if I stay with my boyfriend either I'll be dragged into these situations I'm not comfortable with, or he'll have to keep making excuses to his friends and family as to why they never see me.

I have to keep him blocked, don't I? For his own good.

I wish I could be normal and not panic at every little thing because I do think he could have ben good for me... But I don't know how to fix myself - other than ignore the 'panics' but what if they're there for a reason, to warn me that he's not the person I think he is (my radar for decent men is clearly off!) or something?

I'm not exactly sure what I'm hoping to achieve from this post, other than someone to maybe tell me how I can fix my issues so I can be the girlfriend he deserves...

Oh bless you.

Are you in any therapy? I understand there's a background of anxiety and trauma but I want you to know you can be happy and stable in life.

Do you want a relationship with him?

If so I would suggest unblocking him and explaining that you need to get some support to look after yourself. If you need time and space from him let him know. Blocking him will be painful for him. Try to be open if you can about what you need even if it's not a relationship right now.

I would recommend starting with therapy and medication if you're open to it.

Baby steps is okay. This may be a marathon not a sprint. But you deserve to be happy.

I think you might have an untreated personality disorder.

You're right in thinking that you're not in the right place to treat a partner fairly.

Please unblock him and end the relationship with an explanation
Then please get some therapy
Im not being judgey
I'm pretty sure I've got a personality disorder and my relationships have all been trainwrecks and I'm trying so hard not to act like this in my current one

A reminder: you deserve happiness and things will be okay. You need to treat yourself with some care now.

how did you meet him?

so you went from
messaging to meeting him and building a relationship

OP that is really positive

You seem like you you benefit from swift and substantial professional support op

Well, yes it was positive but then I ruined it.

Last night we were talking online about meet ups before he goes on holiday in a week's time and I said maybe we should try and date a bit, as so far he's only ever come here, I've met him on his lunch break at work or we've gone to the cinema so I suggested maybe meals and things. I asked if he wanted to go to the cinema this week and he agreed, then suggested going for a meal on Friday and I felt panicky at the thought of that, then him saying his friend wanted to meet me - at her house rather than out in a big group somewhere - was the killer. I'm just not that sort of person.

Also, I've got teenage children and they've met him, say they are okay with me seeing him and understand I'd like to progress the relationship but I feel terrible guilt about them being 'forced' to deal with having to get used to a 'stranger' in their lives. As much as I check that they're alright with him coming round (it's only once every couple of weeks) I feel like they must be uncomfortable with it and are just saying they're okay to make me happy.

So that's another issue - I don't see how I can progress the relationship and see him more often as I don't want to go out but as I said above, can't have him here.

Thanks, the problem is I know he'll beg me not to finish with him as he "understands my anxiety and just wants to help".

It's happened before when I've been hinting at ending things. He tells me not to make decisions for him,that he's a big boy and can decide whether I make him unhappy or not (and according to him,I don't).

How do you see the rest of your life panning out if you keep everyone at arm's length and continue living like this?

You're really shrinking your world and you only get the one life to live.

I don't know whether the relationship with this guy is a good one, or if he's a good guy, but I don't think it should be your focus. I think you need to throw everything you have at your anxiety, (therapy, medication, hypnotherapy, EMDR) rebuild some resilience, and start living your life despite the panic attacks.

does he have children?

is this the guy you started a thread about a few month ago that you finished with because of shenanigans between him and his ex?

not quite the price charming described in this thread

You need to get therapy urgently. I have CPTSD and am now almost completely normal with therapy and medication. I had it all on the NHS.

You won't recover and be able to live a normal life without this.

You can't fix them by yourself, but you can have more counselling to try and help it, and maybe use meditation to help the anxiety.It's probably best to not aim to have a relationship while you are like this. You sound all over the place and have no idea what you want. You tell him you don't want a relationship, yet in this post, you refer to him as a BF and talk of the 'relationship' issues.
You say you've known him years, yet he hasn't got the measure of you yet, otherwise he would surely have known not to mention a suddested visit to someone's house.
You have to wonder whats in it for him I can only think it might be sex, as it doesn't look like you would go on dates if avoiding being out in public, so that makes for a miserable relationship from his side. No excuse for being controlling though. I think you can only be putting up with that as you are aware most people would not date you so you feel you should put up with crap. Better to be on your own until you show improvement in your MH.

It is. Not sure shenanigans would be the right word to describe it; she was constantly telling him how toxic I am and one time he agreed and told her he was trying his best to finish with me as my ex was always hanging around.

To be fair... I AM toxic. Currently anyway

We spoke about that 'incident' and he said that he worried at the time I was sleeping with my ex as that's the only reason I could possibly have been keeping in touch with him and so when his ex started saying how weird it was that we were still in touch, he allowed himself to listen to his anxieties and 'let her' convince him she was right. He's now only dealing with her through a solicitor, as she keeps guilt tripping him. He has to be in some kind of touch with her as they're selling the former marital home.

My issue with that is I keep phoning my GP, getting referred to the CMHT and not being able to go through with the appointments because phonecalls are hard, in person appointments are impossible for me.

I can't even go to the shops these days, get everything delivered.

Controlling?! You think he's being controlling or me?

I mean this kindly. You are in NO place to be in any kind of romantic relationship at the moment. You are being incredibly unkind to your “boyfriend” by blocking him without explanation. He doesn’t sound great either re: his ex.

You need to get help asap. You’re have kids who need to see their mother doing her best to get better.

you keep getting good advice and you’re full of reasons and excuses. The ONLY way you’re going to get better is to do things that are going to make you very uncomfortable and anxious at first but you can get better if you put the work in and get the right support.

I don't know how to go about getting therapy,never mind urgently...?

I just don't know how. Where to start.

Hello op!

I hate to think that you are there suffering, thinking that you unusual or unworthy of love in some way and your solution is to cocoon yourself alone and reject any chance of happiness because you are unable to deal with the demands of a relationship.

I disagree with some other posters that you are not ready for a relationship but I do think you need to be diagnosed and honest with your bf and let him make that decision once you both have all of the facts.

You can deal with this by being open and honest in your friendships and relationships - by putting boundaries in place - and leaving others to decide whether they are willing to abide by those boundaries or not.

No one can diagnose you over the internet op but I think you need to reach out to your gp and get on a waiting list to see a psychiatrist or see one privately who deals in anxiety and trauma, ASD and BPD, (now known as emotional dysregulation disorder).

If you have lots of changes of mood within a day then BPD may be relevant. Disclaimer; I do not have any medical qualifications whatsoever except I am a mother of someone with ASD. If you are anxious about seeing others, over-stimulated by noise, and have other sensory issues then ASD may be at play.

Or you may have GAD as a result of trauma as previously diagnosed. But may I say at this point that many high-functioning girls are misdiagnosed with GAD and BPD when in fact they have ASD! And because they mask so well they do not receive the correct diagnosis.

Reach out for help op, don’t turn in on yourself completely, it’s fine to prefer your own company (many of us do 😃) there is nothing to be ashamed of if you prefer to be solitary! You can still have a relationship with someone but you need to get to the bottom of what is distressing you and learn to assert yourself and state your needs clearly and be open with your bf.

As the mother of someone with ASD I share many of my dd’s traits and I have a very good relationship with my dh who is outgoing and loves travelling, where I am a homebody who prefers not to socialise much. Sometimes opposites attract and work well but good communication is key!

Sending you every good wish for the future 💐💐💐. You deserve as much happiness and fulfilment as anyone else and don’t let anyone else persuade you otherwise.

CPTSD can often present very similarly to a personality disorder.

I can't seem to tag you gap but thank you. Just having some starting points are helpful because ASD and BPD are the two things I've been wondering about.
I also have a child with ASD and I do share a lot of his behaviours.

It's just going to the GP and saying I need a mental health assessment is, I assume,what I say. But I had an assessment with a psychiatrist through the NHS in 2014 and was diagnosed with the anxiety so, I don't know...

I’d definitely start by ringing your GP. I understand that it causes you great anxiety but it really is the BEST gift you can give yourself 💐 make that call and change your life xx