I blocked my boyfriend today :(

[Alasia24]

Hi.
I want to preface this by saying I was diagnosed with generalised anxiety disorder a long time ago, have no friends or social life (out of choice - I don't want to make friends as then I'd have to actually see them and I prefer to be alone), I work from home as I couldn't hold an 'out of the house' job down (I'd walk out and never go back for the most stupid reasons, like dropping a bottle of wine and making a mess; my panic would be overwhelming and I'd just go home mid-shift), I've got a lot of abuse and trauma type stuff running from my childhood and all my adult relationships have been with people who manipulated, lied, cheated, hit me, etc.

I've been seeing a man for 8 months who seems to love the bones of me. In fact, too much. I can't see why he puts up with the stuff I put him through - 'stuff' being blocking him on all methods of contact on a regular basis when he asks to see me and it freaks me out, or accidentally mentions something from his past which triggers me, or just being stable for a week and enjoying seeing him a couple of times, that also seems to set me into some sort ls panic that I'll be 'dragged into' a relationship I don't want.

Because I keep saying I don't want a relationship; I've been controlled, not listened to, demeaned so often that the fun has been sucked out of relationships for me and even my boyfriend coming to my house to see me and just sit cuddling up watching TV has become too much mental effort. So I try and keep him at arms length, messaging on Facebook and avoiding his questions as to when he'll see me next.

Sometimes, when I have the 'spoons' I can manage to see him, sometimes for a day or two in a row and it's lovely but then he goes and I spiral again, feeling like I can't see him anymore and thinking I should end it to put him out of his misery.

He maintains that I'm all he's ever wanted (we knew each other as friends for a long time before we got together but he lived in another country back then, so our friendship was basically conducted on msn and then Facebook) and that having me in his life (even when I can't manage to see him) is always better than not having me there at all.

But, today I blocked him again. The reason? He'd mentioned one of his oldest friends had mentioned me when they were out last night and asked to see me at her house.
That scared the life out of me; I can't go to peoples houses and if I stay with my boyfriend either I'll be dragged into these situations I'm not comfortable with, or he'll have to keep making excuses to his friends and family as to why they never see me.

I have to keep him blocked, don't I? For his own good.

I wish I could be normal and not panic at every little thing because I do think he could have ben good for me... But I don't know how to fix myself - other than ignore the 'panics' but what if they're there for a reason, to warn me that he's not the person I think he is (my radar for decent men is clearly off!) or something?

I'm not exactly sure what I'm hoping to achieve from this post, other than someone to maybe tell me how I can fix my issues so I can be the girlfriend he deserves...

Anxiety often goes alongside other things, though, it's not really an answer on its own. What sort of help have you had?

As someone said above, CPTSD can look like a personality disorder, so I'd be careful about that pathway.

Can you afford to go private?

See PTSD was something else I'd wondered about. I do freeze when it comes to anything sexual (even kissing) and without wishing to say too much, I do have childhood trauma in that regard. I also get flashbacks and other things. But to say to a GP 'I think I have PTSD" just feels wrong. Over dramatic.

I could afford to go private but again, don't know where to start

Over dramatic?

You feel unable to attend appointments, you have to get everything delivered, you think you're toxic, you have withdrawn almost completely socially...

You're not really being dramatic enough about the severe impact this is having on your life (and your teens). You need to do something about it.

OP, google 'Talking therapy' plus the name of your city / area.

In my city you can get talking therapy with an NHS therapist for free, via self-referral online. There's a waiting list but you might get a phone call quite quickly as 'triage'.

Or if you can go private, you can email counsellors/therapists (again, search online e.g. for 'private consellors and therapists + [name of city]'), and ask if they can give you an urgent assessment appointment where you see if you will be be a good 'fit'. Many can offer such a short initial appointment, which may be be around 30 minutes, within the same week.

Be clear that the issue isn't 'blocking my boyfriend' - that's just a symptom. Your issues are deep and historic trauma.

Thank you. I've just sent in the self referral for the local iapt but they have told me before they don't diagnose (the GP seemed to think they did) and I sort of feel like a diagnosis is needed for therapy.

There was a box to type your issues so I put childhood abuse/trauma which is currently affecting my life and I mentioned the not going out etc so hopefully they have someone who can help with that, despite my lack of diagnosis.

Now weighing up a private psychiatrist or local CMHT via the GP for the other mental health stuff - is a diagnosis necessary at this point, or is just getting some therapy most beneficial?

Agree! Don't just ghost him, he deserves an explanation

You don't need a diagnosis for therapy. Therapy is literally just sitting there talking about your problems. Some therapists will work with you to find ways to help, others will just listen.

He maintains that I'm all he's ever wanted

But what about you and what you want?

This is what people mean when they say hurt people hurt people.

I know you're not doing any of this deliberately to hurt him OP. But you will be hurting him. And it's not fair.

End it with him properly, get the therapy you so clearly need and wait until you are in a more stable position before dating anyone else.

He will be experiencing this relationship as emotionally abusive. Whether or not that is your intent.

You need to take care of yourself before you can be in a relationship with someone else.

You don't need a diagnosis for therapy. IAPT treat the symptoms you have, and use a provisional/informal "diagnosis" to do so. The label is neither here nor there. They should apply the appropriate treatment pathway for the symptoms and that's what matters.

Could you ask if they can do a typed/online assessment rather than phone call or face to face to allow you to access? Could you have someone sat with you holding your hand to give you the strength to manage your anxiety for the appointment?

You are not in the right place for a relationship at this time. You need to be focusing any time or energy you have to healing, managing with your illness, and finding coping strategies.

Your anxiety is pretty severe and whilst that's not to say you can't have a relationship with severe anxiety. Just that perhaps you are better to put any spoons you do have, into trying to improve your anxiety where-ever possible.

Don't ghost him. It's shit and completely unnecessary. Send him a message, and then block him if you must - but at least have the decency to explain.

I agree that there is an awful lot of toxicity and dramatics here, and whilst anxiety is a reason for it, it's not an excuse to treat other people badly. I say that as someone with pretty awful generalised anxiety as a result of C-PTSD, and it's taken many years of suffering, hard work, and a lot of downs where I saw no light at the end of the tunnel, to get to even the point I am at.

You will be OK. But this is no good.

In regards to his response of reassuring you that he wants to be with you, help you, and is an adult who can make his own decisions. Bear in mind that a lot of people carry baggage - and his may be that he puts up with this due to his own issues. It IS a lot for him to deal with, and self esteem issues, along with being in the 'fixer' role could be reasons for that. I obviously don't know his history, but the fact he's can and will deal with all this, doesn't really mean he should.

In the kindest possible, yet no-bullshit way, you need to put the work in yourself.

There are lots of people who can help you. But you need to be willing and determined to help yourself.

There is no magic answer, people can't wave the wand and fix it for you with out effort from you. They can aid you, provide you with the assistance, tools and resources, but at the end of the day, you really must help yourself and engage with services to be able to access that help.

It's the cruellest thing, I know. The very help for your anxiety you are trying to access seems utterly impossible - due to your anxiety. But really, it's as simple as the fact that to improve, you just have to do it. You need to accept that and be in a place to really push yourself.

All this being said, people can push you to do it till the cows come home. Until you are utterly done and fed up with your anxiety to the point that you've had enough and there is no other option but to engage with that help, you won't, maybe even can't. You have to be ready and willing. Again, speaking from experience (or at least, my own experience).

I wonder if you've got complex ptsd from your trauma as a child... as well as your GAD. I also have GAD.

I had acceptance and commitment therapy which is fantastic for anxiety. You can also get this on the nhs. You can also get EMDR for ptsd. Ask your gp for a referral.

No worries Alasia24 I hope you can access the support that you need. It’s hard in the NHS atm because you have to be assertive when you are feeling very low.

But as pp said, please don’t be tempted to underplay how this is negatively impacting on your daily life, because with resources being what they are, if you appear articulate and intelligent like you op, they are all too prepared to persuade you that some AD medication is sufficient. Maybe take a list of how your life is currently limited by anxiety.

Also, I’m very sorry to read about the trauma you experienced as a child. No one should have to go through that. Again, I’m sounding like a broken record and this could be entirely wrong, but if you read up on the subject, childhood abuse is more prevalent in the ASD community very sadly, for a variety of reasons.

Edited to say that I think there is much more awareness of female autism ten years on.

Hopefully the right psychiatrist can do a differential diagnosis which although won’t trigger huge support, whichever condition you have, at least may give you a starting point to develop strategies to help you manage your life in a less stressful way and you will feel less guilty about insisting on certain accommodations for yourself.

Good luck 💐

There's a lot more to this. I feel like he's behaving in ways to make you anxious..Regardless he's not making you happy. Do see a professional, work on you, perhaps a therapist can help unpick what's really going on.

Why would you say this to someone who has been honest, has reached out for help on here precisely because she has recognised that she is hurting her bf with her behaviour, and who is obviously suffering emotionally?

And it’s not that awful tbh. The bf does have agency in all of this. He isn’t helpless and can walk away at any point if he wants to. The fact that he hasn’t to date suggests that he gets something out of the relationship too.

Also, op has blocked him because she feels she isn’t being fair to him, so her intentions are basically good.

you deserve to be happy and live a fulfilling life. Go back to your GP and ask for medication to reduce your anxiety. Try different medication and stick with it for a few months before reviewing

I think I would end it with him. You’re nowhere near in a place to have a relationship. Set him free and visit your GP

You are in no place to be in a relationship. Focus on your kids and getting better.

I'm thinking asd too

Have you heard of the comedian Fern Brady

She has a book called strong female character that screams what your saying about your life. She is a late diagnosed Austin women.

I'm sure she has stuff
On u tube or podcasts you could Listen too See if any of it rings true

Also Autism is genetic so if your child is autistic chances are
Very high.

Just concentrate on you and your kids without the pressure of a relationship. If you are not strong enough to tell him then send a message to say you need space and time.
Get some help and/or therapy.
I wish you well

Thanks all. I did unblock him late last night and he started off saying "oh hey, I noticed you'd disappeared" and being quite casual sounding about it, that quickly turned to "you just disappeared without a trace, I can be your friend just don't disappear again", then I said I needed space and he agreed but then asked to "stay friends and keep connected, but not message unless really necessary" and "part of me thinks, will any progress we've made be undone?".

I stuck to the needing space thing and he's promised to message less (currently it's pretty much all day, off and on. Easily 100 messages a day) although he did throw in a "I love you" which I'm sure was to try and guilt me.

He also asked me to re-add him to Facebook but I refused for now, he said "I still can't get over it feeling like a punishment...I know it's not but my mind says it". But I stuck to it, telling him that's my boundary for now and he can take it or leave it.

These conversations always end up feeling weird to me, almost a bit controlling or manipulative but definitely clingy and needy. He does believe in attachment theory and says he's anxiously attached but he comes on insanely strong and his ex wife accused him of being controlling (after they had split up; he finished with her) but she's been threatening suicide since he left and telling him he needs to help her so I'm not sure I can entirely trust her pov

Anyway, at the moment this 'relationship' isn't what I need and is just making my anxieties worse so I'll severely limit contact and work on getting some therapy.

It's ok to not be in a relationship, especially if you find socialising or relationships difficult. I love socialising but there is something about relationships that is challenging.

I have had therapy. So I find go from hermit to "I have a new boyfriend" really unrealistic.

Sometimes I am so hurt by how peripheral I am to everybody that it's tempting to withdraw more but it's healthier to keep trying to connect I think. There's a middle ground between hermit and new relationship that isn't working.

Find that middle ground.

The bf does have agency in all of this. He isn’t helpless and can walk away at any point if he wants to. *

Also, op has blocked him because she feels she isn’t being fair to him, so her intentions are basically good.*

I look forward to this being the advice when a woman is posting when her boyfriend is blocking her and treating her badly 🙄

Easily 100 messages a day

OP, this points to him also having issues and, as another poster said, putting up with this.

It's an unhealthy dynamic for both of you. I feel you both need a clean break tbh.