How is it all going to work?

[CaptainBarnacleButt]

My husband and I are separating, and we have an 8yr old daughter ("Emily"). Everything is very amicable, we're very supportive of each other and making sure Emily sees us as friendly, happy to be in each other's company and will still make an effort to do things as a '3'. (Maybe somewhat naive but the intention is there!)

We will soon complete on the purchase of 2 houses, about 10mins away from each other, and still within the same area Emily has grown up in, so same school, same familiarity.

Emily will split her time with us 50/50. What I can't seem to get my head around, is practically speaking, how does it work? The thought of a full week without her seems too long, so maybe 3/4 days at a time?? Is that really disruptive for her though, and will she permanently feel disrupted?
Does she have full sets of uniform etc at each house? Or constantly packing & unpacking the same sets of clothes? I don't want her to feel like she lives out of a suitcase.

So many more questions but just wanting to get a sense of how other split families have made it work? The important thing obviously is what's best for her, not just for us.

Hello, I've been separated for 6 years (I'm the dad).

I have the children every Sunday and Tuesday then alternate Fridays & Saturdays, this makes it 3 days per week for me and 4 for mum (when you look at it over any 2 week period). It's worked well and there has been flexibility in this arrangement to suit things that have come up etc.

Kids have not been affected in any way and youngest was your daughters age when we split.

Hope that helps.

Kids have not been affected in any way - I do not believe that! You may have been able to keep things amicable and the children feel loved - that is excellent - but they will have been affected by this. Firstly they will have learned that love can come and go - a hard lesson, and hard for them not to apply this to themselves to some degree. And secondly there are all the concerns that the OP expresses - the children do not have one solid base; choice has been taken away from them - they have to be one place one time and the other another. There may be times when they would rather be in one place, but routine dictates they should be in the other. They might prefer one place to the other, but feel reticent about saying this.

I do not say these things to cause the OP worry, but to commend her for recognising that it will not be ideal - her very willingness to acknowledge these difficulties will make her well placed to understand her children's feelings and to help them.

I am not in this situation but I think a lot of families do it in shorter chunks, worked out over the fortnight. So 3 days then 4 days figuring out a way around the weekends.

If you do get on well, then uniforms etc could be jointly purchased with sufficient spare to ensure that they don't all land up at one house. With an understanding that you need to keep an eye on things to ensure they get sent back if somehow the schedule works out that they're all at one house.

I think Mischance you don't speak for everyone. Each child will react differently to changes in their home lives, just like adults do!

OP I think it's helpful to know that you are starting something new and it'll be uncertain for a while as to how everyone will be impacted.

If it helps I'll share how we did it. Initially the kids were going 3 days with me, 3 days with their dad. This was in place for around a year, maybe 18 months. Then the girls asked to lengthen the time spent with each parent as they felt 3 days wasn't long enough to feel settled at either house. So we changed it to 1 week on. This then gave them longer in each place and was a lot easier to plan things with their friends in advance because it was easier to see where they were going to be.

Their clothes are split between each house and we are each responsible for replenishing them as they grew out of them. School uniform moves between each house to keep the costs lower. Also, you aren't that far away from each other if a critical bit of kit is in the wrong place.

The best piece of advice I can give you is to be lead by the child as much as you can be. Make sure they know this arrange can be discussed by you all to check in to see how its working and changes can be made when needed.

Now my kids are teens and her dad and I are flexible in where they are each week - this is mainly at mine more as its closer to their friends and school but as you are only 10 or so minutes apart this won't impact you as much.

I know how hard this is. I promise, it will soon become your new normal, and your child (because of how mature you both sound) should be ok. And if they aren't at some points, having a chat and listening and giving lots to reassurance to them will go a long way. Good luck x

That first paragraph is both unkind and unnecessary at best. It's in no way useful or constructive.

@misseckleburg but it's true. And pretending that it isn't hurts the children more. You need to acknowledge the challenges that they will face in order to help the children cope with these changes.

Thanks @Mischance I can't deny your comments hit like a sledgehammer but I think I get the sentiments underneath.

Re: "Love can come & go". I think it's possible to talk to kids about different love/relationships... so the love I feel for Emily is very different to a romantic love, and one that will never diminish.

I'm definitely (painfully) aware that she (and what's best for her) needs to be front & centre of the decisions.

That's a really useful context, thank you for sharing. 3 days seems like it would suit us as the parents, but yes, I worry it's more disruptive and could be harder for her to cope with.

Also, I'd add that if your dd is already 8. It's only a few years until there can potentially be a lot more flexibility there. I had a good friend in high school who was like this - she tended to move between her parents' houses according to activities etc.

Whatever you decide, I promise, it'll be ok and nothing is set in stone. A bit of trial and error will no doubt happen. You'll all get through it.

Thinking on it, another thing that really helped when it was all new - in the hallway I set up a positivity wall (call is whatever you like) and on it we pegged things that we'd all written, drawn or taken a picture of, that was a good thing that happened to one of us. It was just string tapped up with clothes line pegs used to hold the stuff, but over time we added pictures, paintings, certificates from school, ticket stubs of places we'd been to, all sorts. The kids loved it as it gave them a visual of all the good stuff we did during a really difficult time, and it gave me a sense that we were all ok, still making happy memories.

our 50/50 (suggested by Barrister) works as follows:-

Dad Mon/Tue evenings
Mun Wed/Thur evenings

Then we alternate the weekends (Fri/Sat/Sun evenings) so 2/5 then 5/2

Works well for us and gives a consistency, never too long between seeing the kids

I do 50/50 with my ex and we do one week on, one week off. We found that by splitting the week caused lots of confusion for us and our dd. We drop off on a Sunday evening after tea, so she gets Sunday night before the week with each parent. It also means that we can arrange weeks away with our dc, or even on our own.

It was hard to start with, but I now see positives in both weeks and our dd has managed the change without any serious issues.

There's always someone popping up on these threads to talk about how there is no way you can separate without it being detrimental to the kids. Always. And yet some of us have lived this for years and it becomes normality and a completely fluid arrangement. Yes it will be different from some households where there are two parents, but different doesn't always mean detrimental.

My kids have a lot of flexibility which has become even more flexible as they've got older. The important thing is that they feel that both homes are completely theirs.

Currently navigating this, difficult when both parents work shifts. Hope to start with 3 or 4 days at a time, Suppose it's trial and error, helpful to see what has worked for others!

So, what would your advice be then? Stay together and be miserable? Because I speak from experience when I tell you that affects children more and not in a positively.

I did not say it was necessarily detrimental to the children ... I said that they will be affected by it, because one poster said his were not.

They cannot help but be affected as it is a fundamental change in their lives. There might be ways they are affected for the better as hopefully parents will be happier apart. There might be ways they are affected for the worse and things in the new set up that they find challenging.
But to assert that they are unaffected makes no sense, and the OP recognises this which is why she is very wisely seeking advice from those with experience.

We have the same set up as @Boxerman and it works for us. Our houses are within 5mins drive of each other so it’s easy to swap/drop clothing etc and that’s needs to be done as sometimes things end up at the other house. It’s not a big deal, and it’s important to not make these things the children’s problem or job. We sort those things. It works for us. I’m not going to say it doesn’t affect them, it does, of course it does, but so does everything in life. People have issues regardless of whether their parents separate. So it’s just important to keep talking and give them understanding when they have their moments, which they will. But ultimately they will be ok. As we all are eventually. ☺️

My son's friend has a set-up where they do one week with each parent. So mum picks up after school on a Monday afternoon, takes the kids to all their activities that week and drops back to school the following Monday. Dad then picks up after school and does the same. They are hot/girl siblings. Dad travels for work (Mon-Fri) the week the kids are at their mum and is in town the week he has them. Uniforms are shared between houses, parents live a 20 min drive from each other (mum lives in the family home 5 min walk from school). Kids were 8 and 6 when parents separated. I have both parents numbers so for play dates or parties, I text mum to find out who the kids will be with and arrange with the person.

It was tough on the kids, but 3 years on things seem to have settled. Hope the transition is easy in all of you.

So many responses, thank you! Really interesting to see the different ways of doing it.

I think as lots of you have said, flexibility will be important, and making changes if things aren't working, trying something new. It's all scary as hell though!

Re their stuff; they need each house to be complete… no taking stuff between houses. Me and ex share nothing . Moving stuff as well as children just adds stress and stops the feeling of home. Also if you do this then things get forgotten and lost more easily.

Our 50/50 was

2 days me
2 days her
3 days me
3 days her

Then keep repeating. This meant we were not away from kids for too long and that weekends were balanced, like I would have them 1 full weekend a month, not at all 1 weekend, then 2 weekends with them for half those weekends.

Worked ok but they are teens so we have changed to:

Mon/Tues Me
Wed/Thur Her
Fri / Sat / Sun Me
Mon / Tues Her
Weds / Thurs Me
Fri / Sat / Sun Her

Then keep repeating

We did have a few issues when I was buying kids loads of clothes and she wasn't so I wanted those clothes to stay here, but uniforms, football kits etc one bought and the other paid half so that they went between houses

I agree with this. You have uniform and clothes at your house. He has uniform and clothes at his. The only thing that goes between the two houses with my kids are their switches and their trainers.

I agree that it's not right to say it has NO impact on your DC, because of course it will. But it doesn't need to be a negative impact. You have to anticipate they're going to struggle with stuff and you have to be willing to talk to them about those feelings impartially. I am more than aware one of my DC prefers to be with his dad at his dad's house. It's hard not to take that personally, but you have to let all emotion go when that kind of situation arises.

We have a Sun - Tues and Weds - Sat split. We're both flexible about swaps and holidays etc. For me the most important thing is keeping the kids informed. I have a planner where I write down where they kids are that day so they know what is happening. IME, it is the uncertainty that causes problems. If they know that every Sunday they are at Dad's house, it makes things run ALOT smoother.

Could you do a week on week off arrangement BUT with a midweek catch up in between where you all hang out together for dinner? If things are truly amicable? OR do dinner at the other parent's place that evening. That way it's less disruptive for the child but also parents don't have to go a full week with no contact.

I like that idea @Garlicnaan , that could work - thank you!

@CaptainBarnacleButt we did a bit of that to begin with but I wouldn’t recommend it long term. It blurs boundaries and confuses dc.