Am I cheating?

[TKFROMRLS]

Hello everyone, looking for your advice.

I have a few friends of the opposite sex at work. I occasionally go for walks with one of them during breaks, meet up for coffee or lunch from time to time. I occasionally go out for dinner with then as part of a larger group. There's one in particular I'm close friends with and interact with quite often but I'm not sure how I'd feel if my spouse were to see our messages and find out about our interactions. I must add that these relationships are purely platonic as I have no romantic interest in these friends at all.

However, I never mention this to my spouse. I have never let my spouse know about these interactions and relationships.

Do you think this is a form of micro cheating or betrayal? What will my spouse think when they find out about this? Help please.

Ask yourself how you'd feel if this was reversed op

If it's purely platonic why do you not mention anything and avoid your spouse seeing the messages? If you're actively hiding it then yes that's a problem.

I think the fact that it’s all so secret and that you’re concerned how your wife would feel if she read the messages suggests you know you’re up to no good.

Having friends/colleagues is absolutely fine, but why has this situation been allowed to develop this far in such a closely guarded way?

If it’s totally platonic, why is it a secret?

Is the person you're closest to the opposite sex? Are they all of the opposite sex?
Why do you not discuss these meetings? What's the subject of the messages that you'd rather your partner not see?

Without knowing the above, can't really help

Sorry just read the post again, ignore the first part

If you can't/won't tell your spouse, it is not a good thing.

Whether it's because it's an affair (emotional or physical) or it's because your spouse is controlling or liable to be abusive if you do, it's not good thing and you should think about why you can't/won't tell your spouse.

Not cheating, but I wouldn’t like it if my partner was going for lunches and dinners with women and not mentioning it to me, especially if it was “just a friend”. Would look very sus to me.

You may not have romantic feelings, but sometimes a line is crossed that feels like betrayal when you’re investing emotional resources into building a friendship/supporting someone/being emotionally available for a third party, when that level of support and emotional engagement/investment isn’t available to your wife.

If you wouldn't do it in front of them or have absolutely explicit permission/agreement of course it's cheating.

Why haven't you already told your partner OP? A few of my work friends (opposite sex) and I do all the things you have mentioned, however my partner is aware that we do this. I've never hidden that we go to lunch, dinner, or even that we message outside of work and my partner has never had a problem. Is it really that platonic if you're hiding messages? My partner could look through all my messages and there wouldn't be anything deemed inappropriate, or cheating.

I've got a particular male friend OP, and I was challenged on this. How would it feel? I think the difference here is I talk about him to DH, so he knows we're in touch, and if we share photos, etc. I have been to see him when I was I'm his country and would again. I don't want DH reading messages just because we don't read each other's messages anyway and I'd feel it was broadly not on regardless of it was a M/F friend. I'd be super happy for DH to have a female friend, I'd just want to know they existed that's all. But every relationship is different. I've never had any time for this you can't have male friends nonsense!

You are breaking trust and keeping secrets. Which would upset me as much as cheating.

Look - I think if you know that you are definitely not interested in these men, and that they are not hoping for something - you are not cheating.

I think you are not mentioning this to your H because you want to protect a little bit of personal autonomy. It’s really easy to lose a sense of yourself when you become - wife of X; mother of Y. Feels like you lost ability to be an individual and have to share/account for all interactions with the world.
Many people are OK with that. Some - struggle.
I know I do. i have been independent and self reliant for a long time and i need to feel I exist and have privacy as an individual.

What are you talking about that you wouldn't want your partner knowing about?

I say this as someone with a male best friend who I am very close to - the secrecy is fucking weird. Nothing I do with my best friend is a secret from my husband, it's a vital part of keeping opposite sex friendships healthy and ensuring they fit within the boundaries of your romantic relationship.

To me it implies you're doing something you know would upset your partner. Would you be comfortable with him doing everything you're doing with another woman and not telling you about it?

It's actually very simple. Not complex at all.

You're cheating.

If you have nothing to hide, why hide it?

Unless you secretly are hoping something develops of course…

Let him know you meet up. Then it's fine.
It is a betrayal really.

To answer the question about why I wouldn't be comfortable with my spouse reading some of our messages, it's because some of them from my friend were bordering on flirtatiousness.

Like how they're always aware of my presence in the office
Saying how they'd like to see me more often
Sending me hugs etc

Nothing serious, but I worry my spouse would not like these.

Well, you've got your answer, yes you're cheating. So keep cheating or stop cheating. Your choice.

If it's all innocent, then be open with your DP. If you feel you can't do that and he's reasonable and not a crazy jealous type, then yes, you've crossed a line and need to stop.

Is this a reverse? Because surely you cannot be so far removed from reality to see for yourself that this is cheating?

The flirting is clearly a slippery slope to it becoming more.

I don't think you're cheating but from this you are enabling and condoning a level of intimacy (on his part, as long as YOU aren't responding similarly) that is inappropriate if you're in a relationship. If my DH received messages like this I would expect him to shut it down immediately.

How do you respond when they say things like that? id hope you’re shutting it down and reminding them you are in a relationship so it’s inappropriate.

Are they flirtatious in person?
Do they want more than a friendship?

If it's bordering flirtatious I would cut contact. You're entertaining him by not shutting it down.

Flirting with another man who you meet up regularly with is crossing the line. You do know this.

Yeah, it’s cheating. Ex DP had a friend like this at work; flirtacious messages, went places after work which I was oblivious to, completely denied there was anything behind the relationship other than being friends. Surprise surprise, he moved straight from our family home into her flat when we broke up.

If you’re replying to these messages in a similar manner, you’re verging on an emotional affair, as well as keeping secrets from your partner. How would you feel if roles were reversed?