Am I cheating?

[TKFROMRLS]

Hello everyone, looking for your advice.

I have a few friends of the opposite sex at work. I occasionally go for walks with one of them during breaks, meet up for coffee or lunch from time to time. I occasionally go out for dinner with then as part of a larger group. There's one in particular I'm close friends with and interact with quite often but I'm not sure how I'd feel if my spouse were to see our messages and find out about our interactions. I must add that these relationships are purely platonic as I have no romantic interest in these friends at all.

However, I never mention this to my spouse. I have never let my spouse know about these interactions and relationships.

Do you think this is a form of micro cheating or betrayal? What will my spouse think when they find out about this? Help please.

OK, so your friend has said he'd like to see you more often and enjoys your presence in the office.
Have you ever discussed your marriage with your friend? Ever complained about arguments had, or things he may have done that are annoying you ? All that is crossing a line and is non of his business, so cut it out if it has happened.
What is your friend's situation? Does he have a partner, or is he single and therefore focusing too much on you.
Keep it to work hours only unless in a group, no sharing transport, do not see him one on one more. Invite another colleague for walks maybe. If he gets more flirtatious, tell him how happy you are with your DH. Make sure he knows you are off limits.

Would you like it if a woman was talking to him that way and he hid it from you?

Again, I'm saying this as someone with a male best friend, he'd never speak to me like that and if he ever did he'd be read the riot act and the first person I'd tell is my husband.

You claim these friendships are 'platonic" but they're obviously not from the men's perspective, and I suspect you haven't told them to pack it in speaking to you like that because you enjoy the attention, which means they're not platonic for you either. You're walking a very foolish line here.

Thanks for the advice.

If you're not shutting down the flirty messages, then you're letting your partner down a bit and heading into emotional affair territory.

It might not be physically cheating but hiding it from your OH means it’s an emotional affair and so yes it’s definitely considered a form of cheating.

Its a slippery slope

I'm not sure how I'd feel if my spouse were to see our messages and find out about our interactions

My style of interacting with people is quite informal and relaxed which some people can misinterpret as flirtatiousness. I've also been happily in a committed relationship for over thirty years, married for over twenty years.

We also used to be very active in a dance scene where it was impossible just be looking to distinguish people enjoying the dance and enjoying the physical sensation of hugging someone to music

The way we navigate this is first to be open and upfront to any new friends, I'm always careful to make some fleeting reference positive and affectionate reference to my DH early in any relationship.

I never write any message which I would be embarrassed to have DH read. I close down anyone making the sort of references you describe.

You are already questioning yourself. The thing to do is adopt the rules I've set out for myself above. If your friends are happy with that, you know they are good friends and are not interested in you 'in that way'. Extra bonus, you will feel good about yourself.

All the best.

I once dropped my kids off at school and went to book myself in a hotel for the day from 9am till 5pm all by myself.
I slept and then took a bath and went home and made dinner like a normal day. I never told anyone about it. It was the best sleep I ever had, but I felt extremely guilty for it, it definitely felt like cheating.

Now that was 3 years ago, I think if I should mention it now, it would sound suspicious. I think we can sometimes make things bigger problems in our heads than what it is.

It’s the man’s fault.

Tell your partner and let him decide if your cheating but the fact you need to ask - you clearly think you might be - is that the type of partner you want to be - one who hides things from your loved one? It's your choice but remember when your partner finds out & they will find out they will ask why you wanted to keep it a secret from them. Ask yourself too - is it the ego boost you enjoy or is it you secret hope it's becomes a full blown affair. By keeping this secret you alone are blowing this into something it doesn't need to become. What will be the consequences when your partner finds out - is this friend worth perhaps loosing your partner over or is this friendship really that important to you that your willing to choose to hurt your partner over. This is all YOUR choice why are you so willing to exclude your partner over a "friend" yes your on slippy affair territory

Emotional affair. You're cheating.

Why are you flirting with other men?

Thanks for the sound advice

how I'd feel if my spouse were to see our messages and find out about our interactions#
Ok so he's sending you flirty messages,but what are you replying? What are the interactions you worry about him seeing? I have male friends, we send jokey messages about coping without seeing each other (live a distance) and always meet / leave with a cheek kiss and a hug,but I'd do all of that in front of DH. Ask yourself what you'd do differently if DH were there?

How is DH generally about you having male friends?

My exh forbade me to have friendships with male friends or colleagues. I was so afraid of him finding out I'd even spoken to them I just completely withdrew.

After I divorced him I rebuilt those friendships, I go out alone with a few of them occasionally, meet as a group, talk freely at home about them.

I would now dump anyone who forbade platonic relationships with the opposite sex - it says so much more about them than me.

Your problem is that you have kept the secret that you are friends with men at work. This screams at me as some sort of worry about a negative response from a controlling partner.

If you have nothing to hide you shouldn't be afraid of speaking to - and about - colleagues and friends or the opposite sex.

If you aren’t cheating, then you would be able to tell your spouse about the interactions and let your spouse read any messages with only mild discomfort. It would be the same as if you let him read messages from a female friend, perhaps a bit odd to feel under the microscope, but no big deal.

It's really strange that you haven't told your husband. Why not? Forget the messages, why wouldn't you be talking about friends from the office and talking about what you've been doing through the day. Either he is very jealous or you are deliberately keeping it from him to make it more than it actually is...or, worse case scenario.. You intend to cheat.

There shouldn't be anything you say to another person that you wouldn't want your partner to see... unless you're bad mouthing the inlaws of course, that's a different story!

how do you know its a wife? just assuming its a man clearly.

Yes, I would consider this to be infidelity and disloyalty.

You and this Colleague are sharing an intimate secret. He/she is flirting with you and sees that you are not shutting it down … which implies that you are enjoying this illicit attention.

You interact frequently, have 1:1 time outside the office, and are building an emotional closeness and reliance, yet your Spouse has no idea. All of this suggests that you and Colleague are enjoying mutual ego-boosting and frisson, so you are intentionally keeping Spouse in the dark.

How would you feel if Spouse was marginalizing you via a flirtatious relationship, frequent contact, and blocked transparency? I know that I would feel very hurt and betrayed.

@TKFROMRLS, if you love and respect your Spouse and value your marriage, you will distance yourself from this Colleague.

IME it's never innocent for both parties.

I have naievely thought when I was younger that I was making friends at work and used to do similar things that you describe. The minute I ended up single they were all over me. It was horrible and eye opening.

Yup, assuming - and I don’t care.

PS I actually assumed it was a woman. Men who want to cheat generally don't give enough of a shit about anybody to post this sort of question.

But regardless, it's still cheating.

But you already know that.

Sounds like the OP is a man who is getting his ego stroked by women in work and is using the term spouse so as not to say 'wife' and wind us all up.

You are enjoying the attention, OP and you know you are crossing a line as you are keeping this from your wife for a reason.

To me and my partner we class cheating as anything you know your partner wouldn't like or be happy with it doesn't need to be physical to us to be cheating. I feel like if you tell your partner about it he might be a bit taken back at first and may even think you are cheating cause you've not told him about it straight up and make it seem suspicious. It all depends what he sees as cheating but if there's the slight incline in your mind that is it it is normally because it is.

@TKFROMRLS, why are you prioritizing this colleague and sabotaging your marriage?

To tell a married individual that you are always aware of their presence and want more in-person contact is WAY out of line. It connotes attraction and depth of investment, and their saying it/your entertaining it is highly disrespectful to your Spouse.

I have never let my spouse know about these interactions and relationships.

@TKFROMRLS, it speaks volumes that your Colleague knows more about your marriage than your Spouse does...