Think he's going to cancel our date but I do have anxious attachment

crampsy · 2024-05-21T21:39:25+00:00

We've been chatting for weeks.. I know, I know! But genuinely , I could not meet up and he said he couldn't either . We were due to meet weeks ago but I became anxious when he didn't respond almost immediately and said a few times, that if he wanted to leave it that was ok. He got pissed off with this nonsense and effectively cancelled our date. I was angry with myself but we reconnected again and have been chatting since . We now have a plan in place to meet this weekend but my gut is telling me he is goi g to cancel. Nothing has changed . The energy is mutual and we equally message and chat about stuff . He is interesting and seems interested, yet I'm fully convinced he will cancel. If he does, what do I say ? If he doesn't, what the hell is wrong with me ?

sandrapinchedmysandwich · 21/05/2024 22:44

I get the anxious attachment thing, I am very similar, but this feels extreme considering you haven't yet met him. YOU might not fancy him when you see him. Its all about deciding if you like each other and you might have less feelings than he does in person.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 21/05/2024 22:45

Think to yourself if he does cancel so what. Tell him he’s a dick. I don’t think he will cancel actually and I know what anxiety is like but honestly what’s the worst that can happen. Try to stay In the moment.

Original poster

crampsy · 21/05/2024 22:59

Thanks for the reassurance.
We are both equally busy with family and life in general and chat a few times through the day via messages .
However , if I haven't heard from him in a few hours and know he's been online and it's his' turn' to message, I almost get a knot in my stomach thinking .. aw he's fading me out ...
Am I being utterly ridiculous here?

OP posts:

samestyle · 21/05/2024 23:00

If he cancels you don't do anything, write it off, don't give any more chances.
Do you think you are really ready to date? what if became a relationship, being too clingy is sure to scare him off. If you're gut is telling you to cancel then don't go, it's not a good sign to have doubts, perhaps you need to work on your anxiety more before dating, or there's something about him causing you to doubt him.

Thursdaygirl · 21/05/2024 23:03

It shouldn’t be this much hard work when you haven’t even met?!

unbelievablescenes · 21/05/2024 23:07

It sounds to me like you have a lot of work to do on yourself before you even think about dating. You should ideally be content enough in your own life that a man should be a pleasant but optional addition. Sorry op but you sound more like the 🚩 here than him. Find your own self worth and happiness then think about adding someone in. That way you won't be reading into things so much and you won't be arsed if they cancel.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 21/05/2024 23:07

Did you post about the last time?

Original poster

crampsy · 21/05/2024 23:08

I agree! It's been lovely and easy and mutual ... yet here I am . It's desperate . I hate it. I'm
Going to therapy and only yesterday discussed this with her. She gave me some useful tools . I need to use them clearly .

OP posts:

Original poster

crampsy · 21/05/2024 23:10

I've never posted about this before but it's happened me throughout my life. Anxious, panicking , saying stupid shit and then sabotaging potentially nice things . I've been terribly hurt, used and let down in the past .
Irony is that this man comes across as being solid.

OP posts:

CM97 · 21/05/2024 23:27

So I was the same with my ex... still not sure how much of it was his control and gaslighting that made me insecure. I get how you are feeling and it's awful. Sending hugs.

B1rd · 21/05/2024 23:28

I don't think your mind thinks he's is solid. That's why you're throwing out your anxiety. He's already cancelled one date with you. The right man would have reassured you.

I chatted with a man for over a week and felt totally comfortable in our conversations. I was excited to meet him. He didn't set a single alarm bell off and has been totally lovely since.

I don't think you should meet this man. I would throw him back and wait until you find someone you are comfortable and excited to meet.

Original poster

crampsy · 21/05/2024 23:35

But I am excited ... I'm so looking forward to this. I think it could have legs . This is a me problem. I see the pattern. It's been going on for years .

Why would a man reassure me when I was suggesting on many occasions that we forget about the date if he wasn't sure when he had reassured me on many occasions previously that he was on for it .
. Even I can see how utterly irritating and off putting that is. I would have sacked him off myself had it been me receiving that nonsense .

OP posts:

GentlemanJay · 21/05/2024 23:37

You are taking dating way too serious. Chill out.

NoSnowdrop · 21/05/2024 23:43

We were due to meet weeks ago but I became anxious when he didn't respond almost immediately and said a few times, that if he wanted to leave it that was ok. He got pissed off with this nonsense and effectively cancelled our date.

you became anxious when a stranger didn’t respond immediately?

please take time to read the post by @unbelievablescenes as they’re spot on.

Dery · 22/05/2024 00:40

“unbelievablescenes · Yesterday 23:07
It sounds to me like you have a lot of work to do on yourself before you even think about dating. You should ideally be content enough in your own life that a man should be a pleasant but optional addition. Sorry op but you sound more like the 🚩 here than him. Find your own self worth and happiness then think about adding someone in. That way you won't be reading into things so much and you won't be arsed if they cancel.”

This with bells on.

Savemydrink · 22/05/2024 03:57

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 21/05/2024 23:07

Did you post about the last time?

Sounds very much like this one

Why am I hopeless at reading signals?

Was posted last week

dragonscannotswim · 22/05/2024 06:22

Why are you placing so much importance on what this bloke thinks of you? You've never even met him!

Work on your own self esteem so you don't need to be bolstered by a man. And keep going to therapy.

dragonscannotswim · 22/05/2024 06:22

Dery · 22/05/2024 00:40

“unbelievablescenes · Yesterday 23:07
It sounds to me like you have a lot of work to do on yourself before you even think about dating. You should ideally be content enough in your own life that a man should be a pleasant but optional addition. Sorry op but you sound more like the 🚩 here than him. Find your own self worth and happiness then think about adding someone in. That way you won't be reading into things so much and you won't be arsed if they cancel.”

This with bells on.

Edited

This.

yellowsmileyface · 22/05/2024 07:08

We were due to meet weeks ago but I became anxious when he didn't respond almost immediately and said a few times, that if he wanted to leave it that was ok.

To be honest, that would really put me off someone. As well as being incredibly anxious, it comes off very insecure, like saying "you probably don't want to meet me, let's just leave it". It's not his job to give you lots of reassurance at this stage.

Your anxiety does seem quite extreme. Essentially, it shouldn't be a big deal if he cancels at this stage. Yet you seem to be catastrophising and placing too much importance on someone who is effectively a stranger to you currently.

Dating should be fun and easy-going. The stakes shouldn't feel this high.

I think you might not be ready to date yet. If you're experiencing this much anxiety over someone you've not even met yet, how will you manage when things progress beyond that, and he sometimes takes a few hours to respond because he's busy? I'm glad to hear that you're in therapy and that it's giving you some useful tools, but perhaps you need to take some time to focus on yourself before dating again.

frozendaisy · 22/05/2024 09:02

Even I can see how utterly irritating and off putting that is. I would have sacked him off myself had it been me receiving that nonsense .

Are you really ready to date OP?

Thursdaygirl · 22/05/2024 09:17

Even if you are ready to date OP, I don't see the point of all this chatting for weeks, before deciding whether or not to meet up. You could find there's absolutely zero chemistry, or he's a foot shorter than advertised, got really bad breath etc etc and what a waste of time!

UntiltheGirl · 22/05/2024 09:26

I agree with pps. Don't date until you've done a lot of work on yourself. You're not in the right headspace, and no one in their right minds has the mental energy to deal with someone they've never even met seeking endless reassurance about going on a first date, and endlessly offering them the opportunity to cancel.

Starlight1979 · 22/05/2024 11:00

@crampsy I have had a LOT of therapy over the years for my anxiety / abandonment / attachment issues.

We were due to meet weeks ago but I became anxious when he didn't respond almost immediately and said a few times, that if he wanted to leave it that was ok. He got pissed off with this nonsense and effectively cancelled our date.

Sorry but this is massively off-putting and you know it has annoyed him. You haven't changed anything at all about your behaviour this time even though you know it pissed him off last time so yes, chances are he may sense this and decide not to go through with it.

But I don't think that's a bad thing as you can't enter into a functional relationship until you have worked on yourself first.

I agree with @unbelievablescenes and I would seriously suggest starting some counselling / therapy to address this behaviour, figuring out where it stems from and starting to make changes to your thought process. You cannot pin this on someone else. It has to come from you. Otherwise you will keep pushing people away. Good luck x

Theredoubtableskins · 22/05/2024 11:04

If he doesn’t cancel, you should. You’re not stable or secure enough to date right now. There isn’t anything wrong with that; it’s not a permanent state, it’s just for right now. You’re not ready.

You’re going to pull some innocent person into your life when you’re not in the right mental place to have a relationship. You’re just going to hurt him, and also hurt yourself. You’ll be in turmoil over every little thing and work yourself into a state, repeatedly.

You’re not ready. Concentrate on yourself and therapy.

SpringerFall · 22/05/2024 11:05

Theredoubtableskins · 22/05/2024 11:04

If he doesn’t cancel, you should. You’re not stable or secure enough to date right now. There isn’t anything wrong with that; it’s not a permanent state, it’s just for right now. You’re not ready.

You’re going to pull some innocent person into your life when you’re not in the right mental place to have a relationship. You’re just going to hurt him, and also hurt yourself. You’ll be in turmoil over every little thing and work yourself into a state, repeatedly.

You’re not ready. Concentrate on yourself and therapy.

All of this (no matter how annoying the saying)