Boyfriend addicted to gaming

[CatLady36]

Hi all. Just for my sanity I’d love some advice. My boyfriend and I have a living apart together relationship, I have 3 children and he has none and living together wouldn’t work out for us right now.
we have been together for 4 years now and have been happy until recently.

gaming has always been a big part of our relationship, but recently my boyfriend has started to enjoy playing as his female character, rather than his male character-which is fine. He then started hiding being online and doesn’t invite me to game with him anymore in games he thinks I don’t like.
he recently told me that he is playing as a female character to game with other females to create a girl crew in this game he’s playing.
i then felt hurt because it’s always been me he wants to game with and no other woman could match up to that. He’s been gaming obviously with men too, but he’s been adding girls as friends on this account too, not just playing with them.
I know it sounds ridiculous but I feel jealous. The adding makes me feel insecure and like I’m not special enough to game with him anymore.

I’ve spoken to my mum she said it’s my issues with being jealous and insecure.

friends say that he shouldn’t be wanting to game with girls and shouldn’t be adding them.
im so confused and it’s making me wonder if it’s me that’s the problem and i need to let it go, or if his actions of wanting to interact with girls in a game whilst pretending to be female himself is okay to do?
ot makes me feel uncomfortable, not from a lack of trust, but because it’s taken away that special gaming spark between us.

he said recently he’d delete all girl gamers because he loves me and did so, then days later started adding new ones and said it isn’t a problem and he’s doing nothing wrong.
am I just totally paranoid and insecure and jealous and need to give him a break? After he said they weren’t needed ?
please only kind responses, I am seeking help to deal with my insecurities and just want to know if you would be okay with your partner gaming with women because apparently they are better to play with than men.
Thankyou x

I'm ok with my partner gaming with other women.
I'd be totally not ok at him pretending to be a women as he does it though.
Fine playing a female character in game, but pretending to other players that he is a women is totally wrong in my opinion and I would question his motives around it.

No that’s weird and not ok

when I’ve had gaming friends (in game) it’s been very non gender specific but couples tend to play together and rely on each other in a special way.

a male gaming friend who wanted to do that I’d question “why not me?” And pull back. An actual gaming real life boyfriend I’d assume that that was it. It is like infidelity with the amount you can spend online.

gaming does attract people with complex emotional lives but him causing you pain on or off game suggests that he is looking at options and irl that’s not ok and neither is it in game.

how would he react if you were sinking hours into games like rust with male groups?

It’s fine him gaming with and talking to other women but not “making a girl crew” and specifically leaving you out

Thanks so much for your quick replies. It means so much to me.
he says that the female character is for the experience of different outfits and apparently pro gamers do it too so they are smaller on game and more difficult to hit.

he knows it’s making me insecure and he says there is no reason behind it other than an escape from reality in a game I don’t like (GTA) says he’s loyal to me, loves me and wouldn’t ever overstep the line.

I just don’t know how to get past it. He says I don’t trust him, but this isn’t about trust, it’s about in my eyes him seeking female attention whilst being in a game as a female character.

he has more men than women on his friends list don’t get me wrong, he says it’s just for the experience.

I’ve apologised to him for kicking off about it (I ended it) and still he just says it’s just a game and I need to trust him as he’s doing nothing wrong.

I’ll also add on here that he hears voices. He used to smoke a lot of something you’re not meant to! He hears voices through the walls that are very critical of him all day and all night, and gaming is his escape from the voices. He needs help for this but won’t seek it because he thinks it’s all real whe. It isn’t.

very confused and hurt and upset by it all and don’t know what to do next x

also I said how would he feel if the shoe was on the other foot and I was putting together a guy crew and adding loads of guy ‘friends’, and he just simply said that he’d be okay with it and would want me to experience it and have fun….however in the past things have not been like this with him. In the early stages of our relationship I deleted all me. From my instagram account in order for him to feel secure. He hated comments on photos or likes from guys.
now he says he has full trust in me and wished I would do the same.

Oh gosh I’m so sorry to hear what you went through with your ex! That is literally my worst fear and what I think I’m trying to determine is if this is all to do with me issues like picturing the worst happening like what actually happened to you.

I mentioned to him about the whole emotional affair thing, and he said it won’t happen because he doesn’t t talk to anyone it’s just strictly about gaming and for him to have the best experience. But the paranoid part of me sees red flags, which I think is natural for me to feel as his girlfriend.

he says on his PC when he gamed on that he had hundreds of friends on his account, male and female and didn’t speak to any of them and has never wanted anything more than a good gaming experience.

he keeps swearing blindly it’s totally innocent and he is getting very frustrated that I’m not listening to him and that I don’t understand.

because we don’t live together I don’t get to see what is actually happening, or hear. So for all I know he could be going on mic or messaging. I think I need to decide if it’s something that I can give him the benefit of the doubt with and trust him with my heart , or if it’s too much for me and I need to walk away 💔

It is tricky for you not knowing what's actually going on. In some ways that's worse as you'll be thinking all sorts! In my situation I could hear exH chatting away to her and the group and to be fair, it always did sound fairly normal chats - but just too many of the chats imo for far too long. And of course I have no idea what their chats were like once I'd fallen asleep as they'd be talking well into the early hours, and I'd no idea what their private WA chats said. Very shortly after we started discussing separating, that woman began an affair with one of the other gaming group blokes and eventually left her husband for him. I always had the feeling that she was basically looking for an exit affair and it could just have easily been my exH. A while after we'd separated but he'd not yet moved out, he'd arranged to meet up with a few of the group IRL a couple of times, and I saw a WA message pop up from her saying something like 'thanks for the hug, you always give the best bear hugs, I love them every time' so obviously there was a sort of intimacy between them - even though she was into something with the other guy then. I know friends can hug, but my ex only ever hugged me and our kids, he's not a touchy feely type at all and never even hugs his own family or real life friends he's known for years. So I felt my gut instinct had definitely picked up on something. By the point she was with the other bloke, the damage was done between exH and me and I'd lost all trust in him, whether he wanted to take things further with her or not.

I hope you can trust your OH but I think you should be honest with him about how all this is making you feel and see if he works to bring your trust back. It would be nice if he invited you to play at the very least. I would certainly be thinking there's a reason why he isn't including you, especially as it was one of your things together. I am massively suspicious though due to my experience so I really hope it's not like that for you and all innocent.

It’s not weird to use a female character if you’re a male, or vice versa. It’s gaming! You can be a man, woman, goose, goat, slice of bread..

If he’s not talking to anyone, he’s really not doing anything wrong. If he is talking to them, ask to have a look at the messages. Hopefully it’s just regular game talk and nothing weird.

I would ask why him directly why he doesn’t want to play with you so much anymore.

I’ll also add on here that he hears voices. He used to smoke a lot of something you’re not meant to! He hears voices through the walls that are very critical of him all day and all night, and gaming is his escape from the voices. He needs help for this but won’t seek it because he thinks it’s all real whe. It isn’t.

I like how you just causally threw this in, as if hearing voices is just a little concern!

Thanks for this. I am also suspicious too.

alrhoigg we have been an item for 4 years we have dated on and off for around 10.there was one time where he chose to be single because he felt he couldn’t date someone who had children. He left me and went into a relationship for a few months with someone else who had children! He then realised His mistake and came back to me.

I know this impacts my feelings and insecurities because he has left me once and could do it again. But he says he loves me so madly now that nobody else could ever replace me. He wishes I’d start to listen to him and trust him

Thankyou

hankyou, but this didn’t really need to be said? How is this helpful in any way ? It’s obviously not a little concern, but though I’d add it in later because it does infact change things because he uses gaming as an escape from reality

I'd be fine with my partner having friends of any gender through gaming if they just came through chance encounters or adding real life friends etc.

But it's weird that your boyfriend is specifically seeking out women to make a 'girl crew' (especially when he's not actually female so can't really be in a 'girl crew' himself).

To me it seems to suggest that either:
a) he wants specifically female company and maybe that's because he's not happy in your relationship,
or
b) he has some kind of gender issues going on that he hasn't felt comfortable to disclose to you.

Either way is a bit concerning so I'd want to get to the bottom of it.

Of course it changes things. He's mentally unwell and needs to see his GP.

You have three children depending on you.

And this guy who is frankly delusional and games non stop is the best you think you can do?

You live apart, he isn’t reliable , you fear he will break up with you, he is unfaithful in the game and prefers teaming with other people?

Stop wasting time on him. Even the minimal time you give him is a waste as you could be meeting someone else who is passionate about you and able to be part of your life.

Seems like you also use his gaming as a distraction from reality.

Thr way hes gone about things is very disrespectful.

Also, arguably creepy that he's seeking out other girl players pretending to be a girl. Though I suppose other players usually know that sometimes guys play as female characters. But I dunno...he sounds seedy.

It also seems like he's trying to make you feel insecure. First pointing it out, then 'oh I'm deleting them all 'for you', and then adding them again and essentially making out you are jealous. Setting you up essentially. It's very manipulative. He clearly intends to flirt with women and make out its a YOU issue if you have a problem with it.

He's not a nice man. Infact, he's fucking rotten.

The update about hearing voices...!!!....!!! Get yourself out of there! Honestly, he's dangerous. And he's showing you. You have kids to think of. Tf you don't live with him. Leave!

OP ,surely a much bigger concern is that your boyfriend hears voices that are critical of him. You say he won't seek help as he believes they are real but l wouldn't continue with the relationship unless he saw a doctor to get this checked out.

How old is he? I'd find this really offputting from a grown man. Ick.

Also, either your mum is a bit of an idiot with underlying internalised mysoginy...or a bit of a dick.

I can't believe she suggested this was a you issue. Maybe she's the reason you had such a low bar set for men.

She's wrong and even if she wasn't, she shouldn't go around invalidating your feelings like that. People have every right to be hurt by partners deliberately pointing out they are chatting to other women. And if she thinks otherwise, she's a 'pick me' idiot and needs to get with the times.

Kick him to the curb. And your mum too if she continues to be an unsupportive twat.

I don't know much about how close gaming relationships are. But I can see you feel sidelined. It sounds like he may need some type of medication or therapy if he's having psychosis? Would he be willing to see the GP?
Does he work, study?
I hope you don't let his problems become yours but I think a good honest talk about why he needs to game so much might be good.
The women he is adding, are they actually definitely women? Sorry. Idk why he's pretending to be female though. That seems weird.

Does he work or just game all the time? How does he know his ‘girl crew’ are woman?

Anyway that aside, 10 years on and off, comes back to you etc. Why are you wasting your time on him.

Hi OP
i agree with others that the voices are a bigger worry. It’s a concern he won’t seek help for it. Does anyone else know he hears these voices eg is there anyone that could speak to him instead of you? Sometimes we have trouble accepting ideas or suggestions from the people closest to us

about the gaming thing. I know people do like to mix up their in game characters genders and someone else raised a good point that some of the other ‘women’ he’s playing with might be blokes too!

as for people saying you’re wasting your time on him, relationships come in all shapes and formats. If outside of this situation the living apart together works for you and your children then more power to you. However you obviously are struggling with the gaming thing.

I hope there is a compromise that works for you. He sounds insecure and maybe this is contributing a lot to the weird behaviour with the games x

The gaming isn't the issue OP, although I understand the smaller avatar. Female gamers get treated like crap sometimes just because they're female.

The mental health thing is far more of a concern. You're focusing on the wrong stuff.