Boyfriend addicted to gaming

[CatLady36]

Hi all. Just for my sanity I’d love some advice. My boyfriend and I have a living apart together relationship, I have 3 children and he has none and living together wouldn’t work out for us right now.
we have been together for 4 years now and have been happy until recently.

gaming has always been a big part of our relationship, but recently my boyfriend has started to enjoy playing as his female character, rather than his male character-which is fine. He then started hiding being online and doesn’t invite me to game with him anymore in games he thinks I don’t like.
he recently told me that he is playing as a female character to game with other females to create a girl crew in this game he’s playing.
i then felt hurt because it’s always been me he wants to game with and no other woman could match up to that. He’s been gaming obviously with men too, but he’s been adding girls as friends on this account too, not just playing with them.
I know it sounds ridiculous but I feel jealous. The adding makes me feel insecure and like I’m not special enough to game with him anymore.

I’ve spoken to my mum she said it’s my issues with being jealous and insecure.

friends say that he shouldn’t be wanting to game with girls and shouldn’t be adding them.
im so confused and it’s making me wonder if it’s me that’s the problem and i need to let it go, or if his actions of wanting to interact with girls in a game whilst pretending to be female himself is okay to do?
ot makes me feel uncomfortable, not from a lack of trust, but because it’s taken away that special gaming spark between us.

he said recently he’d delete all girl gamers because he loves me and did so, then days later started adding new ones and said it isn’t a problem and he’s doing nothing wrong.
am I just totally paranoid and insecure and jealous and need to give him a break? After he said they weren’t needed ?
please only kind responses, I am seeking help to deal with my insecurities and just want to know if you would be okay with your partner gaming with women because apparently they are better to play with than men.
Thankyou x

Totally agree with gamer. He needs urgent MH help.

I'd cut ties here for my own and my children's sake, he doesn't sound good for any of you for lots of reasons.
But in relation to the gaming stuff. I run a gaming server via discord for people aged 21+ and the things we see the most of are "pick me" girls coming in to flirt with guys and guys in relationships pretending they're not.

GTA is one of the biggest game for roleplaying lots of scenarios, there are whole other discord servers for it ranging from first responder roleplay to everything bad you could imagine. My partner is also a gamer and he wouldn't dream of disrespecting me in the same way yours has, he respects boundaries as do I. The fact he is shutting you out of this and being shady is very telling. Honestly, dump him. If you can't trust him what's the point?

Thankyou all for your responses. It’s just totally complicated my mind even more so.
I can see how it would seem that he’s continuing to add more to get the jealous reaction from me, I’ve got people saying it’s innocent and just gaming and I’ve got others saying I need to get the hell out of there.

he has not met my children in the 4 years of being together, I want to raise my children alone and he has respected that, and then 2 years in when I found out about voices it was clear to me I couldn’t introduce him anyway.
I don’t know if I can continue in the relationship and I don’t know if I can leave. It’s such a hard decision to make.

he gets very offended when I tell him that the voices must be in his head and he claims it is all real. He won’t see anyone about it because he thinks it’s real.

as for the gaming I’ve spoken on another group about it and two gamers commented saying being a female character is totally normal to do and that the reason for it being that female characters are harder to hit. This is one of the reasons by BF claims to be doing it. To be harder to attack in game.

he told me the crew is not his crew, his character got invited to join said crew and he joined. There are apparently on the gaming world so many people who choose to be a character of the opposite gender in game to experience the clothing etc.

I still am so confused and because of mixed responses from people don’t know where to go from here.

meant to be seeing him on Friday and I am just an anxious wrek.

he gets very offended when I tell him that the voices must be in his head and he claims it is all real. He won’t see anyone about it because he thinks it’s real.

Read this back, OP. He's not mentally well and he's not in a position to support you and give you what you need in a relationship.

The gaming is actually pretty irrelevant. He's hearing voices and he needs help.

You need to drop this man!

You're wasting your energy on a guy who's not even a real partner to you. He has an untreated and severe mental illness. The gaming is the least of your worries.

Don't meet him on Friday. Look at the state he has you in. It's just not worth it.

He is 35 and works in IT, he is constantly under immense pressure at work. He works 5 days a week then games in between. Sees me when I don’t have my kids.
thats how its worked happily for the last 4 years until recently.

his mental health does impact the relationship because I support him through it daily and he doesn’t recognise that it is a problem that needs medical attention.

he says he trusts me and wants me to be free to interact with whom I please and game with who I please and that he loves me and is loyal to me but that hasn’t always been the case.

he used to be insecure and didn’t trust me. I removed all men from my instagram account to make him secure. Those insecurities that he had have made me constantly check his social media followers, and now made me anxious about his gaming profiles.

he swears it’s just gaming and that he’d never be unfaithful or cross the line.

because he has chosen to leave me in the past that makes me insecure when other woman are interacting with him even in game , incase he leaves me again.

Do you think it's a healthy relationship, OP?

If he left you again he'd be doing you a favour.

What exactly do you see in this mentally unwell, controlling man who is basically living in an alternative reality?

Everyone's got some pressure at work, don't they? IT isn't immediate life or death, is it? He's not at risk of violence from the public, he's not down a mine or on an oil rig, he's not disarming bombs.

Basically he works a normal working week in a normal job and somehow has convinced you that's unusually stressful.

And he's got you removing male friends from your social media, while he's collecting female ones he catfishes.

And he has untreated serious mental health issues.

What I'm sure of, is the least of your problems with him is him gaming with other women.

Thanks again everyone, I’m so confused with all the comments being mixed views 🤪
I wish I wasn’t going through this so much.

Thanks for this it’s GTA that he is doing this in. Suddenly immersed himself into it and is playing it in his spare time. He knows I’m not a fan of the game which is why he says he’s not invited me to join him. If it was a different game I don’t think I’d be so insecure, but I know in GTA what it s like, it’s why I don’t like it.

I don't think the comments have been that mixed actually, I think almost everyone has agreed that it's not healthy. But mostly, I think you need to trust your own feelings and intuition on this. You don't feel good about him doing this. He said he'd stop and he didn't..

Give your head a huge wobble. This man is no catch and yet you are totally fixated on him and his needs snd judging yourself a success or failure by how much attention he pays you. You have shrunk your life to fit in with him and make him comfortable when he doesn’t respect you or care about your needs at all. He privileges his voices snd his gamer experiences over you!

You aren’t wrong to be jealous—he is showing you that real life you isn’t any more important than fantasy game friends. But you are wrong to have gotten involved with this very damaged man. He is controlling you from inside the cate he has built for himself.

I’ll also add on here that he hears voices. He used to smoke a lot of something you’re not meant to! He hears voices through the walls that are very critical of him all day and all night, and gaming is his escape from the voices. He needs help for this but won’t seek it because he thinks it’s all real when It isn’t.

He need urgent help with his MH. There are a few reasons why someone might hear voices, none of them are good without treatment. Do not stay with someone who hears voices and will not get help. This could be very dangerous.

I have been in touch with a variety of professional services and spoke. To my own GP regarding the voices he hears.
unfortunately unless he is willing to accept treatment (which he isn’t) then there is nothing anyone can do unless he is in a crisis and at risk to himself or others.

literally spoke with a professional today who said that he’s not currently at risk to himself or others .

The comments here are not that mixed, OP. Most people are saying that this doesn't sound like a healthy situation for you.

What the feck is it with grown men playing video games?

OP the real and serious issue here is that he is Psychotic and not willing to accept that the voices aren't real so he won't accept treatment.

I don't think he should be in any relationship.

What if the voices tell him to hurt you?

literally spoke with a professional today who said that he’s not currently at risk to himself or others

How can they possibly state then when they have not assesed him?

Lots of people hear voices—whether that is serious or not can’t and won’t be determined by a second hand report from a sometime girlfriend. He is frankly psychotic but services will not be offered to him until he asks or has a breakthrough incident.

No health care service system that I know of is proactive with respect to a moderately high functioning person: where high functioning means no more than not overtly causing harm or trashing a public space, or failing to support themselves (ie using too many costly services).