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Original poster

Fool or understanding getting back with ex

29 replies

thefoolorg · 21/05/2024 18:30

Was with DP for 3 years. We lived together for 1 year - I sold my house to move to his, which was a distance from my work and friends. Our plan was to save up for 1 year and buy in an estate we liked halfway between our works. We split up around 12 weeks ago his doing. Not seen him for 6 weeks as I still lived at his till I could move out.

First 6 months was great but last 6 months was terrible. This was mostly due to him going out getting drunk, tired to do anything with me (but will with others), selfish, stopped helping and communicating with me. He stopped showering at weekends, ate takeaways and was grumpy. We lived like roommates as sex went and I moved into spare room. I tried but left 6 weeks ago. But split up 6 weeks previously

i was able to buy a house in the area we liked He told me he didn’t love me and we were too different. He wanted to do his own thing and didn’t want to plan. He wanted to see his mates and get drunk when he wanted and wanted a traditional wife. Not a relationship I want. I was upset as this was not the future we both agreed on. But figured this was the true him.

6 weeks on my own. I miss the company and the good him, but not last 6 months. He has contacted me a few times to drop post etc. however this weekend he texted to say me missed me and we need to chat. I wax interested as I was confused with his behaviour change.

Turns out he was depressed and stressed due to work. He couldn’t share it with me as he felt a failure. He was going out for distraction and avoiding me as I wanted to talk about it. He knew I was unhappy and didn’t know how to fix it and was making it worse. He split up with me as that was the only way to end my unhappiness. He has gone to GP is on medication to help and has paid for counselling.

so I agreed to try again. Slowly date and see if I can forget the last 6 months. We have had an honest conversation about our needs and boundaries. Both agreeing to communicate more. It’s early days but he is back to the guy I fell in live with. however I am waiting for it to fall down again. Friends are saying he can’t change and that was true him.

I really don’t know what to think as I can’t forget the last 6 months, and know it was depression. I feel like a fool taking him back. I never go back as an ex is an ex.

any advice to move forward?

OP posts:
Psychoticbreak · 21/05/2024 18:37

NO advice but honestly wish my ex was as understanding as you. I hope it works out for you. Communication is always the key and if you can continue to communicate and nobody shuts down you still have a chance at this :)

Bunnyhair · 21/05/2024 18:38

Just don’t.

Bunnyhair · 21/05/2024 18:41

You will be in this cycle forever. He’ll always tug on your heartstrings wanting you to be ‘understanding’. He’s not capable of being understanding towards you. Do you want a reciprocal mutual relationship or do you want to spend your life as the downtrodden carer for an alcoholic who treats you like shit when he’s feeling down? Don’t be a mug.

Bittenonce · 21/05/2024 18:43

He split to end your unhappiness??? How selfless
Now he's lonely...
I'd be cautious about committing emotionally - for quite a while, I think.
You had 2 1/2 years of good: But then he became someone who would sleep around and who you could not love, or actually even like.
So I think it would take me some time to be sure whether I was getting Jeckyll or Hyde

BePinkPombear · 21/05/2024 18:53

Bittenonce · 21/05/2024 18:43

He split to end your unhappiness??? How selfless
Now he's lonely...
I'd be cautious about committing emotionally - for quite a while, I think.
You had 2 1/2 years of good: But then he became someone who would sleep around and who you could not love, or actually even like.
So I think it would take me some time to be sure whether I was getting Jeckyll or Hyde

I agree with this, time will tell if his change is real
Some people can truly change, others can’t and you won’t know straight away but consistency is key people can’t act forever

wishing you all the best op x

OldSow · 21/05/2024 18:54

Fool. Sorry op.

Takenoprisoner · 21/05/2024 19:17

he texted to say me missed me and we need to chat.

Basically the single life didn't pan out the way he thought it would. the ladies weren't queuing up. You'd be a fool to get back after all the ways he has disrespected you.

Taurusenergy · 21/05/2024 19:43

Only you know this guy, but I would be very cautious, don't rush in moving in with him. Obviously it's up to you but I wouldn't want to feel like a backup option.

Dadjoke007 · 21/05/2024 23:18

People can and do change. People also make mistakes, unlike many of the whiter than white souls on here.

sounds like he had taken action to start to address the issues. That’s good. It needs to be sustained so as long as that happens it can work.

just have regular communication and highlight areas of concern if there are any. Best of luck.

BlastedPimples · 21/05/2024 23:40

He's reeling you back in..... for more of the same.

FetchezLaVache · 21/05/2024 23:48

He told me he didn’t love me and we were too different. He wanted to do his own thing and didn’t want to plan. He wanted to see his mates and get drunk when he wanted and wanted a traditional wife.

None of these terrible things are explained away by his explanation, OP - think about it. I think you had it right with "[I] figured this was the true him". I join your friends on Team Fool.

Catsmere · 22/05/2024 00:39

FFS, get away from this man!

Mmhmmn · 22/05/2024 00:43

He wants a ‘traditional wife’

Suggest you keep that at forefront of your mind and decide if you want someone who wants … what..? A maid??

Mmhmmn · 22/05/2024 00:45

Takenoprisoner · 21/05/2024 19:17

he texted to say me missed me and we need to chat.

Basically the single life didn't pan out the way he thought it would. the ladies weren't queuing up. You'd be a fool to get back after all the ways he has disrespected you.

Sorry, but this.

Catsmere · 22/05/2024 00:52

Mmhmmn · 22/05/2024 00:43

He wants a ‘traditional wife’

Suggest you keep that at forefront of your mind and decide if you want someone who wants … what..? A maid??

A bangmaid.

Catoo · 22/05/2024 02:10

It’s a no from me OP.

He broke up with you because despite him trying his best to get you to do it by being dirty and behaving like a prick, you wouldn’t go for 6 months.

Then it turns out the grass wasn’t greener, the woman down the pub didn’t work out, and he misses your services. Plus the savings on bills that allowed more drinking money.

Don’t move back in with him. Don’t let him move into your home.

You know what you should do.

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/05/2024 02:22

FetchezLaVache · 21/05/2024 23:48

He told me he didn’t love me and we were too different. He wanted to do his own thing and didn’t want to plan. He wanted to see his mates and get drunk when he wanted and wanted a traditional wife.

None of these terrible things are explained away by his explanation, OP - think about it. I think you had it right with "[I] figured this was the true him". I join your friends on Team Fool.

A symptom of depression isn't misogyny.

No from me.

PineappleTime · 22/05/2024 04:41

So within half a year of moving in together he started to show you his true self and now he's blaming it on work stress and depression. Nah, that's who he is. Work stress didn't make him say he wanted a traditional wife who doesn't complain when he goes out on the piss with the lads!
You've bought yourself a new home, well done! Focus on working to get it how you want it, developing your career and seeing your friends. Don't make space for this guy who is stringing you along.

PineappleTime · 22/05/2024 04:43

Dadjoke007 · 21/05/2024 23:18

People can and do change. People also make mistakes, unlike many of the whiter than white souls on here.

sounds like he had taken action to start to address the issues. That’s good. It needs to be sustained so as long as that happens it can work.

just have regular communication and highlight areas of concern if there are any. Best of luck.

People can change, but this guy hasn't changed, he's just realised he misses his girlfriend and is saying what she wants to hear to get her back. And his behaviour wasn't a 'mistake'. It's who he is.

grinandslothit · 22/05/2024 04:51

He realized that the ladies weren't queuing up for his smelly drunken self. He'll be back to being a lazy drunken turd in less than 6 months.

There are a million other guys out there and I'm sure there will be several who will be much better than him in every way.

BigGlassHouseWithAView · 22/05/2024 04:55

He had his chance and fucked it up. The wanting a traditional wife would be enough for me, never mind all the other things.

Don’t waste your life on this loser.

BigGlassHouseWithAView · 22/05/2024 04:57

Dadjoke007 · 21/05/2024 23:18

People can and do change. People also make mistakes, unlike many of the whiter than white souls on here.

sounds like he had taken action to start to address the issues. That’s good. It needs to be sustained so as long as that happens it can work.

just have regular communication and highlight areas of concern if there are any. Best of luck.

Lol, it’s not being whiter than white to not treat your partner in such a disgusting way and say the things he has. Who the fuck makes excuses for people like that?

Newnamehiwhodis · 22/05/2024 05:00

No …please be cautious.
a man who says he wants a trad wife is basically saying he wants someone subservient.
his story changed, didn’t it, when he got lonely.

please be very very cautious.

this is NOT a good man.

Catsmere · 22/05/2024 05:00

BigGlassHouseWithAView · 22/05/2024 04:57

Lol, it’s not being whiter than white to not treat your partner in such a disgusting way and say the things he has. Who the fuck makes excuses for people like that?

Show quote history

A man who's always making excuses for misogynistic men here, unsurprisingly.

Rania78 · 22/05/2024 06:34

PineappleTime · 22/05/2024 04:43

People can change, but this guy hasn't changed, he's just realised he misses his girlfriend and is saying what she wants to hear to get her back. And his behaviour wasn't a 'mistake'. It's who he is.

Show quote history

Problem is that you lose trust and constantly think that their earlier behavior will resurface. If it is to change atvleast do it with a new partner.