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Original poster

Husband been getting STI test without telling me

63 replies

Absolutenoidea · 21/05/2024 18:30

I'm a little confused and panicking, would like your opinion.

Recently my husband used my laptop for some reason, logged into his email and didn't log out. I couldn't resist the temptation to have a sneak look and there was nothing interesting, thankfully, but some test results from the doctor. Turned out that he's been getting chlamydia & gonorrhea test every year since June 2021. Once he got hep b & syphilis test too. So there were 4 tests in the last 4 years, of which all was negative. I'm not sure if he had done it before 2021 as that was the last record on the weblink, maybe he did in another clinic or was his very first time who knows. Thing is that he has never told me about this.

Quick summary of him and us - we have been together since Feb 2017, got married in Apr 2021. Like everyone else we've had our ups and downs but neither of us has ever cheated on each other (to my knowledge), neither has any issue regarding 'there is someone else' kind of stuff. And I doubt he has as for the past 7 years he always leaves same time and comes back home same time from work (although I wouldn't know what he's up to at work), we both are introverts so have no friends so always spend time together and he's never tried to hide his mobile or PC from me etc. So my question is why he would get the test every year if I'm the only one he's having sex with? And not telling me?

I did some looking up and found 'Many doctors recommend that all people who have more than one sex partner should be tested for chlamydia regularly,' or 'If you're a man, sexually active and under 25 in England, it's recommended that you have a chlamydia test once a year if you are not using condoms with new or casual partners.' I'm pretty sure, I hope, I'm his only sex partner and we have always used condoms. Actually we're talking about a baby though so maybe won't be using condom soon.

Is it common for a guy to get the chlamydia & gonorrhea for I don't know, keeping good sexual health? If it is, why would he not tell me? Maybe this will help but he's British and I'm from Far East Asia and I just din’t know it's not uncommon in Britain? Or am I simply being pathetic and he's been shagging different people all this time?

OP posts:
FreshStar · 21/05/2024 19:10

To be honest is this a big deal? I’m in my 20s and I’ve pretty much been told by society to get tested every year regardless of being in a long term relationship- there’s definitely not as much stigma around getting tested. Even the nurses at the clinic said it’s a safe approach to take, knowing I only had my partner. I’ve never had an STI either. For me it’s just keeping on top of my general health, and they helped to identify other things like a cervix issue that I didn’t even know I had.

TheRealKatnissEverdeen · 21/05/2024 19:13

FreshStar · 21/05/2024 19:10

To be honest is this a big deal? I’m in my 20s and I’ve pretty much been told by society to get tested every year regardless of being in a long term relationship- there’s definitely not as much stigma around getting tested. Even the nurses at the clinic said it’s a safe approach to take, knowing I only had my partner. I’ve never had an STI either. For me it’s just keeping on top of my general health, and they helped to identify other things like a cervix issue that I didn’t even know I had.

I think it's the not mentioning it that is the issue.

MrsDoylesTeacup · 21/05/2024 19:15

Looking at the dates, if 2021 was the first test then he did it not long after you got married which makes me think something might have happened on his stag do, did he have one, go away, abroad or anything like that where he could have had a sexual encounter?
Symptoms might not have shown up straight away and might be why he continues to have the yearly test as some STIs can lay dormant.

Jk987 · 21/05/2024 19:22

AcrossthePond55 · 21/05/2024 18:46

DH & I have been married over 35 years and neither of us have ever felt the need to be tested for an STI.

Why? Because we're faithful to each other.

You need to get your head out of the sand and examine his behaviour closely. Then examine the state of your marriage and whether you think he values it. And you.

Don't forget she found out by accident. OP thought she had no reason to be concerned until she happened upon the link.

gamerchick · 21/05/2024 19:27

My first thought was sex workers, sorry OP.

I'd stop sleeping with him until you find out what's going on.

BePinkPombear · 21/05/2024 19:28

The advice is to get tested every year
https://sh24.org.uk/help-centre/how-often-to-take-sti-tests#
however I don’t think many people do this in monogamous relationships so it is all a bit strange.
women are often tested for some STDs at the doctors for things like unusual bleeding or discharge even if in a long relationship. I believe it is in the guidelines.

The website linked suggest for high risk behaviours like multiple partners it should be every 3 months. If he is visiting sex workers he’s dicing with danger a lot to only go once a year. Unless these link up with trips away as someone else mentioned.

Does he have a lot of health anxiety/issues otherwise I wonder?

Redlarge · 21/05/2024 19:30

Hes cheating on you
Im sorry 😞

Smitherss · 21/05/2024 19:32

I was with my ex and father to my children for 10 years. I had yearly testing done. No particular reason, it's just something that I've always done and still do now. I do it alongside my smear tests too. You just never know, really. I don't see the harm in it.

Zepherine · 21/05/2024 19:36

It’s possible that he is concerned about a previous infection. I had a relationship with a man who dragged me off to an STI clinic because he had symptoms. I was clear and it transpired that an old infection that he had many years ago had reactivated. It can happen, apparently. The way he dealt with it was the end of the relationship for me because he was so sure I had passed something on to him without considering his own sexual history. You need to have a talk with him, OP.

sososotocvfgft · 21/05/2024 20:45

I think it's worth asking him about it. I think his response and how he responds (even if he lies) will get you closer to understanding what's going on.
Really hoping it's not prostitutes Sad

highlo · 21/05/2024 22:36

BePinkPombear · 21/05/2024 19:28

The advice is to get tested every year
https://sh24.org.uk/help-centre/how-often-to-take-sti-tests#
however I don’t think many people do this in monogamous relationships so it is all a bit strange.
women are often tested for some STDs at the doctors for things like unusual bleeding or discharge even if in a long relationship. I believe it is in the guidelines.

The website linked suggest for high risk behaviours like multiple partners it should be every 3 months. If he is visiting sex workers he’s dicing with danger a lot to only go once a year. Unless these link up with trips away as someone else mentioned.

Does he have a lot of health anxiety/issues otherwise I wonder?

I was also going to ask if he has health anxiety? I'm trying to think of any reason apart from the obvious.

Maybe he dose something risky years & years ago and because of his health anxiety he's worried about something that had previously been dormant etc?

KillSwitch · 22/05/2024 08:04

Smitherss · 21/05/2024 19:32

I was with my ex and father to my children for 10 years. I had yearly testing done. No particular reason, it's just something that I've always done and still do now. I do it alongside my smear tests too. You just never know, really. I don't see the harm in it.

This. My ex cheated on me and gave me chlamydia. I've no idea when he passed it to me as I thought us getting tested at the start of the relationship was enough and therefore didn't get tested again until I started a new relationship (found out about the cheating later otherwise would've been tested sooner). I've been with my current partner for four years, we're monogamous, I have absolutely no reason to think he's ever cheated on me.... But I thought the same about my ex and look where that got me. So now I get tested every year not because I'm shagging about or think my OH is shagging about, but because I'd rather be safe than sorry.

Having said that, my partner is aware that I get tested and why, it's not something I keep from him. Your DH getting tested might be, as everyone else says, because he's cheating. Just throwing it out there that there are other, innocent reasons for it.

Maddy70 · 22/05/2024 08:13

You need to ask him ....

Solidlump · 22/05/2024 08:24

As some pp have suggested there may be possibly an innocent explanation.
However I think the fact he has not been open to you about having the tests done regularly is concerning.
This has really important implications for your relationship so you really need to talk to him about it.

MMmomDD · 22/05/2024 08:42

Annual tests don’t scream sex workers. With that - if he were testing, it’d be a lot more frequent.

By your description of him - it seems more likely that he is worried about his sexual history prior to marriage - not sure it has to be cheating on the stag….
And he is anxious about it, so is testing annually to see if something is dormant.

Ask him.

MILTOBE · 22/05/2024 12:50

@MMmomDD Not if he was testing every time he visited them.

rwalker · 22/05/2024 13:00

There’s no need for testing if your his only partner

wouldn’t jump to sex workers automatically there loads of men and women who have sex with randoms people
perhaps he goes to a swingers club that all free and consensual

NorthUtsireSouthUtsire · 22/05/2024 13:27

I don't actually think you have need to worry OP. but it does depend on where /how you met.

I lived in SE Asia for many years!. The male European with a female from say Thailamd/Vietnam/Cambodia combo is extremely common. However with the exception of a few academic institutions and the occasional NGO .. the MoST common way for you to have met would be as a 'bar girl' (no judgement here - it's a job like any other when your economic prospects are poor) .. so if this was how you met - and despite many years of monogamy, I would expect he is just being careful in case you have some latent infection. He probably hasn't told you as he doesn't want to embarrass you.

I married a Malay man and was still testing for HIV regularly ten years later- as he had been in the army and had 'home made' (almost certainly shared needle) tattoos ..

But this is MN so of course the ONLY explanation can be infidelity.

MMmomDD · 22/05/2024 13:43

MILTOBE · 22/05/2024 12:50

@MMmomDD Not if he was testing every time he visited them.

Men who use prostitutes do not visit them just once a year.
And men who test for STIs are clearly health conscious (or anxious) - so they’d know they need to test every few months after each encounter.

So annual testing does not fit him being sex work user. (And same exact rationale works for sex clubs - annual testing doesn't work/help)

The only thing that fits is his worry about his or OP’s sexual history. Annual testing to check for dormant infections.

divinededacende · 22/05/2024 14:22

OP, it doesn't look good but it's not an automatic crisis.

Like some have said, guidance does recommend that people test at least annually, even in a long-term monogamous relationship. Is he health conscious? Does he tend to follow general health advice?

He obviously knows the importance of STI checks so doing it annually doesn't suggest sleeping around, it makes me think he's sleeping with the same person if he's cheating at all. He would also be likely to know that there's still a risk of passing something onto you in the time between the act, testing, results and - if needed - treatment so that's still a big risk to take for someone who's clearly conscious of risk.

There's also the real possibility that he suspects you of cheating but that's less likely because why would he be doing that for so long without it coming up?

Someone else made a good point about patterns of behavior in people who were sexually assaulted/abused.

The fact is, you need to ignore most of the posters making absolute statements about what you're husband is up to. There's a better than good chance he's cheating but it's nowhere near guaranteed. Be mindful, keep your eyes and ears open and consider when you want to address this with him. But do not accuse him of anything outright. "I've found this. It worries me. Please explain" is the way forward unless you find specific evidence of cheating.

LaurieFairyCake · 22/05/2024 15:14

Having sex with prostituted women is the most likely

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 22/05/2024 15:22

LaurieFairyCake · 22/05/2024 15:14

Having sex with prostituted women is the most likely

Or men

Original poster
Absolutenoidea · 22/05/2024 15:46

NorthUtsireSouthUtsire · 22/05/2024 13:27

I don't actually think you have need to worry OP. but it does depend on where /how you met.

I lived in SE Asia for many years!. The male European with a female from say Thailamd/Vietnam/Cambodia combo is extremely common. However with the exception of a few academic institutions and the occasional NGO .. the MoST common way for you to have met would be as a 'bar girl' (no judgement here - it's a job like any other when your economic prospects are poor) .. so if this was how you met - and despite many years of monogamy, I would expect he is just being careful in case you have some latent infection. He probably hasn't told you as he doesn't want to embarrass you.

I married a Malay man and was still testing for HIV regularly ten years later- as he had been in the army and had 'home made' (almost certainly shared needle) tattoos ..

But this is MN so of course the ONLY explanation can be infidelity.

@NorthUtsireSouthUtsire I have said that I'm from Far East Asia which is not South East Asia at all and we met in uni in the UK where we both were doing Master's and I was never a bar girl.

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 22/05/2024 15:50

Hi OP.
Have you mentioned this to your husband yet?

Jk987 · 22/05/2024 21:42

NorthUtsireSouthUtsire · 22/05/2024 13:27

I don't actually think you have need to worry OP. but it does depend on where /how you met.

I lived in SE Asia for many years!. The male European with a female from say Thailamd/Vietnam/Cambodia combo is extremely common. However with the exception of a few academic institutions and the occasional NGO .. the MoST common way for you to have met would be as a 'bar girl' (no judgement here - it's a job like any other when your economic prospects are poor) .. so if this was how you met - and despite many years of monogamy, I would expect he is just being careful in case you have some latent infection. He probably hasn't told you as he doesn't want to embarrass you.

I married a Malay man and was still testing for HIV regularly ten years later- as he had been in the army and had 'home made' (almost certainly shared needle) tattoos ..

But this is MN so of course the ONLY explanation can be infidelity.

OMG - you got the wrong part of Asia and then you go on to suggest the OP worked as a bar girl. Given you put it in inverted commas, it sounds like you mean she offered sexual services? Can you be more wrong?