To think my MIL isn’t a good person anymore

[Kissthestarr]

It isn’t a MIL bashing thread, I’ve always got on well with her but recently some things have made me question how good a person she is.

When DP and I first became an item he and his family took on my DD now 13 as their own as her father and his family chose to walk away. I’ve always appreciated this that they include her when I said they didn’t need to feel pressured to, they bought her gifts like their other grandchildren and told her she can call them gran and grandad too. She has built a grandparent relationship with MIL and FIL over the years and they regularly text each other.

Roll on to now DP and I have 2 children under 3 together. We visit MIL maybe once a month due to distance, and during the most recent time she wanted a photo of her and the youngest two. She then made comments to other relatives who were also visiting (aunts, cousins etc) that she can’t wait to hang the photo of her and her two grandchildren. I didn’t think much of it because my DD technically isn’t a grandchild so I assumed she was talking biologically and didn’t ask her to be in the photo for this reason. She then later went on to say she loves having 4 grandchildren but hopes there aren’t anymore. (DP brother has 2 children so she wasn’t including my DD in numbers). Not including my DD after years of considering her a grandchild has felt like a slap in the face. DD isn’t bothered, but deep down I worry she may. DP thinks the ‘treating her like a grandchild’ is to make her feel generally included but isn’t genuine and now she’s a teenager she probably won’t want a regular relationship with them. To me this is brushing the situation under the carpet. It’s got my back up because they told her these things then seem to be going back on their word, it’s changed my opinion of MIL and I can’t see her as anything but a mean woman anymore.

This next part will make me sound materialistic but I’m not. MIL treats her grandchildren differently at Christmas and birthdays in terms of what she buys or spends. The elder 2 grandchildren who are DPs brothers children get hundreds spent on them. Our own two got a cheap primark outfit each. She claims she doesn’t like buying toys so picks practical things, yet the other 2 grandchildren got toys. She asked what our 2 year old needed for his birthday so we sent the generic list of ideas, she bought him socks.. She said she won’t come to our youngest’s first birthday party and she’ll send £10 to our bank account to buy her something.

So to me it feels personal, my DD being pushed out and my younger 2 getting less than their cousins. DP thinks I’m making a big deal because we can’t change her or what she wants to do, but I think it’s cruel and unnecessary. Likely aimed at me when I thought we got on well and nothing has happened to cause conflict.

I just want to know if anyone thinks she is wrong for this or if I’m being sensitive? I don’t know what to do about it but if I know what others think it may make it easier for me to speak to DP about going forward with MIL.

But all that stuff about now treating your older daughter differently seems irrelevant if you go on to say she also treats your younger children, who are her biological grandchildren, differently to her older biological grandchildren?

We are all different and I've seen that their as well - people often connect more with younger kids IMO

Let it slip OP, and keep the good relations with MiL

It depends on history, but it sounds perhaps a bit thoughtless rather than deliberate?

Are the other grandkids older than your kids? One and two year olds really don't need mountains of plastic crap. Older kids don't either, but they at least get excited by it.

I think she is a cruel woman tbh. I could never treat any of my grandchildren differently even if they wern't blood related.
i Would let It go about the cousins getting better presents as you need to focus on the main problem, which is the 'I only have 4 grandchildren' comment after taking on your daughter as family.
Even if your daughter says it doesnt bother her it will, as she is essentially being told she doesnt matter by someone she considers family.
You owe it to her to fight her corner.

I'd be speaking to your dh and asking him to have a quiet word about how it's making your daughter feel.

I'd hope its completely without maliciousness

I empathise op. Ils were great with my dd 2...we had our own dc. All boys. Sil had a ds then a string of dd's. Ils got a congratulations on your first dgd card and it stung. Sadly dh and I divorced.. Ils dumped me and dd... Your dh need to see things from your point of view though I doubt ils will...maybe leaving all gift /card giving organising to dh will ease your fury. If they get nowt it's not your fault.

Your MIL is being cruel.
Your DD being a teenager makes it worse IMO because it could effect her self-worth. Some grandparents dislike it when the grandchildren start to grow and develop opinions of their own.
The fact that your 2 youngest are treated differently is awful too. My MIL was like this (we haven’t seen her for years now), she would buy her favourites iPads and my kids got a cheap toy from B&M. It’s not materialistic to notice the difference, it’s recognising a Grandparent deliberately treating GC differently. Grandparents like this are wired to cause conflict and jealousy.
I would limit your time with her. Show your eldest DC that you don’t approve of the unfairness. If you are the present/gift buyer for the in-laws - stop. Let your DH deal with her.

I wonder if she's done her will planning and realised that her actual grandchildren will have less if it's shared 5 ways

And I'd imagine she's other sibling is the golden child?

Your daughter isn’t her blood relative and she will feel closer/love her biological grandchildren more that’s just a biological fact and can’t be changed. As you’ve said, she puts In the effort with your DD and has a good relationship with her but you can’t stop biological instincts and feelings. Sorry.

This

@DaisyChain505 The issue is there is a prior relationship that has been formed that has now changed in favor of the four biological grandchildren and there's even a hierarchy of favoritism within the four grandchildren group. The OP has stated she understands the difference in feelings for biological vs non biological children

@Kissthestarr , our younger son is married to a lovely girl who had a six month old baby when they got together. The little girl is now six. My husband and I treat her exactly the same as our other three grandchildren and would not dream of treating her differently. The behaviour of your P’sIL is alien to me, I can’t understand it and in your circumstances I would be really hurt. I think you need to talk to them about what you’ve noticed and ask them to explain. A potential tricky road ahead I’m afraid.

Our paternal grandparents treated our cousins (their grandchildren) different to me and my sisters - never got to the bottom of why before they died.

Looked after them and not us, invited them round for lunches but never us, got them decent presents at Christmas and on birthdays but always picked us up pure shite from a car boot.

When my cousins talk about them they could be talking about complete strangers, as they aren't the grandparents we grew up with.

In the end though, it doesn't really matter. I care(d) for them even less than they cared for us, barely give them a second thought.

It'll be her loss in the end.

My Nan treated my brothers and I differently to my cousins, not getting as much money at Christmas, not taking us out for days compared to my cousins etc, there was no good reason for it. In the end when she died I didn’t cry because I felt she really wasn’t a nan to me, my cousins were in tears in the church, in one way I felt embarrassed because I just didn’t feel anything. I would talk to her about it and say when your children grow up they won’t love/ respect her as much as the other cousins due to her treatment of them. Kids do remember

I agree that both a “nice” GM and a “good “
GM would not do these things. It’s hurtful and seems to be very common based on the threads about it and the number of posters who have experienced it. I particularly dislike the golden children syndrome. How anyone can rationalize buying some GC generous gifts and some GC socks is just fucked up. I have difficult people in my DC lives too OP. They are in their 20s and I use these instances to teach them this is how some people are based on their personality traits/life experiences. You will encounter these people in your school/ work/social life be aware of cognizant of these traits and do not let them AFFECT YOUR SELF WORTH.

Was the brother the Golden Child when they were growing up?

This is about much more than your DD, because of the way she also treats the children you and DP share. I'd be looking at how she treated DP and his brother in the past and still does. And I wonder if DP's acceptance of it is because it's the story of his life so he's used to it and doesn't expect anything different/more.

This. Blood is thicker than water.

If blood is thicker than water, that would suggest that the grandparents of adopted children can't love them the same as their biological grandchildren.

I don't think that's true.

Another valuable contribution. Well done.

How does that work in adopted/surrogate families then?

It depends on the family. Some people are genuinely fair minded.

My ddil is adopted. Her dm got pregnant when ddil was 5, totally unexpected.
Guess who her dm thinks should inherit the house?
Not ddil.
Imagine what that does to a person’s self esteem.

Well the point is ALSO that she doesn’t make any effort for the younger two either…

So the ‘people connect more with young dcs’ is rubbish in this case.

I think it’s not an issue with your dd, it’s an issue between your dh and his sibling.

First thing that came to mind is the age old ‘golden child’ situation tbh. Your MIL simply doesn’t see the point of treating the children in your family the same way than her other grand children.
The fact your dh doesn’t see that makes me think it’s a long standing situation and he has been taught to brush it all up under the carpet.

Yes, I’ve seen a wide variety of attitudes to adoption across cultures and generations. My mother’s generation (now mid 80s) in Ireland has a very complex set of attitudes to adoption — partly associated with the Magdalen laundries, industrial schools, shame and secrecy (children sold overseas to Catholic couples), partly that the adopted children she knew at school in the 40s and 50s in the country were the ones who were not considered ‘adoptable’ overseas. They were ‘adopted’ to work on farms, and only sent to school when farm work allowed and were very much second-class citizens in their families. (Rather like in Anne of Green Gables where Matthew and Marilla send a neighbour to pick them out a strong boy to adopt, with the idea that he’s going to work and eventually inherit the farm, but not be like their own child.) Partly because of this history, Ireland has very few domestic adoptions. I think birth parents both have to agree to relinquish.