It isn’t a MIL bashing thread, I’ve always got on well with her but recently some things have made me question how good a person she is.
When DP and I first became an item he and his family took on my DD now 13 as their own as her father and his family chose to walk away. I’ve always appreciated this that they include her when I said they didn’t need to feel pressured to, they bought her gifts like their other grandchildren and told her she can call them gran and grandad too. She has built a grandparent relationship with MIL and FIL over the years and they regularly text each other.
Roll on to now DP and I have 2 children under 3 together. We visit MIL maybe once a month due to distance, and during the most recent time she wanted a photo of her and the youngest two. She then made comments to other relatives who were also visiting (aunts, cousins etc) that she can’t wait to hang the photo of her and her two grandchildren. I didn’t think much of it because my DD technically isn’t a grandchild so I assumed she was talking biologically and didn’t ask her to be in the photo for this reason. She then later went on to say she loves having 4 grandchildren but hopes there aren’t anymore. (DP brother has 2 children so she wasn’t including my DD in numbers). Not including my DD after years of considering her a grandchild has felt like a slap in the face. DD isn’t bothered, but deep down I worry she may. DP thinks the ‘treating her like a grandchild’ is to make her feel generally included but isn’t genuine and now she’s a teenager she probably won’t want a regular relationship with them. To me this is brushing the situation under the carpet. It’s got my back up because they told her these things then seem to be going back on their word, it’s changed my opinion of MIL and I can’t see her as anything but a mean woman anymore.
This next part will make me sound materialistic but I’m not. MIL treats her grandchildren differently at Christmas and birthdays in terms of what she buys or spends. The elder 2 grandchildren who are DPs brothers children get hundreds spent on them. Our own two got a cheap primark outfit each. She claims she doesn’t like buying toys so picks practical things, yet the other 2 grandchildren got toys. She asked what our 2 year old needed for his birthday so we sent the generic list of ideas, she bought him socks.. She said she won’t come to our youngest’s first birthday party and she’ll send £10 to our bank account to buy her something.
So to me it feels personal, my DD being pushed out and my younger 2 getting less than their cousins. DP thinks I’m making a big deal because we can’t change her or what she wants to do, but I think it’s cruel and unnecessary. Likely aimed at me when I thought we got on well and nothing has happened to cause conflict.
I just want to know if anyone thinks she is wrong for this or if I’m being sensitive? I don’t know what to do about it but if I know what others think it may make it easier for me to speak to DP about going forward with MIL.