Partner doesn’t pay his way or clean up after himself

[Melissamacu]

Hi! A bit embarrassed to come here and moan but I don’t have many friends and no family..
so for context I have 3 children, 2 from previous relationship (10,8 boys) and a 1year old girl from my now boyfriend he only has one child (with me).
He is currently working on a zero hours contract and for a few weeks hasn’t had much or any work, he still gets his top up from UC.
he is a few years younger than me and has taken to my children well. When we go food shopping he likes brand names and the more expensive food. He just adds to the trolley, then when it’s time to pay he just walks off leaving me to foot the bill.
he likes to cook so I give him free reign in the kitchen but he doesn’t clear anything away and the kitchen is always absolutely filthy - all the counters are covered in oil, sauce, onion and garlic peel everything he has used is everywhere and after dinner he will go have a bath/watch tv or go and lay on his phone in bed all while all 3 children are awake needing baths etc. our daughter will be following me around crying and he will not get her until I’ve moaned about it or I’ve been a bit passive aggressive towards him and made a snarky comment about me being the default parent/ or I’d love to lay in bed. He will then kick off if I’ve made one of these comments in front of my elder children (I don’t mean to and I understand his point) it’s just so frustrating that he can hear his daughter in distress and won’t think let me get her give her a cuddle or something! Just so I can clean the mess he’s made. He also won’t empty the bath after he’s used it which I find so disgusting and on the weekend our daughter threw the ps5 controller in his full dirty bath water and I know he’s not going to replace it, it will be me as I’m the one who brought it for my sons last Christmas. Last night I admit I lost it, he has an awful habit of drinking out of the milk carton in the fridge and like I’ve said he doesn’t put things away he left it on the side table next to the sofa and it fell and was half full and it went upside down, our daughter still has a night time bottle and it was empty the time I found it and I stormed down stairs and I said that there’s no milk baby can’t have any it’s going to be a long night all because he didn’t have the respect to put it back.he did go to the shop and use his own money to buy some milk. But I slept in my sons bed with him. I took all 3 kids on the school run this morning and I’ve come back and he’s taken all his stuff and gone, no message no call no note nothing. Now I have to admit I feel a bit relieved but I’m hurt and he will no doubt say it was my attitude that made him leave without seeing what got me to that point. I will add and I’m so sorry this is a long read if anyone care, but talking about him not paying makes me very uncomfortable because I was a single mother before him and I was never this broke before but I just thought he would at least provide some things for our daughter but doesn’t.
move messaged him to say no call or text? But no response.
thank you for reading, I am so sorry it’s so long. I think I just needed to vent as I said in the beginning I don’t really have any friends and I don’t have any family to speak to.
thanks again!

It might not feel like it, but he has done you a favour. What a useless, immature prick.

You don't need a 4th overgrown, tantrumming child.

Please give yourself time to breathe, feel what the new dynamic feels like before you make any decisions about taking him back. Because he will come crawling back, no doubt expecting you to be throughly chastised by his leaving, and will try to set down the law.

I hope you tell him to fuck off and have an amazing and much easier and enjoyable life without a cocklodger bleeding you dry.

Good luck OP.

He needs to stay gone too, the trash has taken itself out thankfully . Would you have kicked him out if he had not gone today?.

Be on your own and do not enter into another relationship until
you have sorted your own self out in terms of self esteem and boundaries. Better to be on your down than to be with a recycled teenager like this.

The trash took itself out.
Why on earth would you message him? He is a cocklodging lazy loser.
Have some respect for yourself.

It’s sounds like you’ve got four children, or three and a cocklodger. You know yourself that things have to change. Either he ups his game, or leaves ( and I’m guessing he’s not going to up his game).

Was he always this lazy?

Not only is he not helping, he is causing extra work for you to clean up. You have an extra toddler.

Fuck that! Don't let him back in.

You are well rid. You were looking after a manchild bum and now he's took a tantrum because you dared to make a stand.
You might feel you miss him at first but give it time and you'll wonder why you put up with him for so long. He's just a childish using bum you're worth more than that.

Change the locks! You & your DC will be much happier without him...

Don't let him back in either. He's a cocklodger

Don't let him back!

Change the locks and don't EVER allow him back in. Him leaving is the best thing that's ever happened to you.

What a joke of a "partner". You'll find your life much easier without a fourth child to clean up after. Don't let him come back.

Definitely change the locks! And don't let him back.

I never comment on the relationship threads but this is completely out of hand. As PP said be thankful the trash has taken itself out, you haven't had a 'partner' you've had a person who lives with you that you pay for and clean up after.

You need to think of yourself and your children now. Start working on your boundaries, and I imagine your inner confidence because you do not need a person like. Think about how you would feel if your sons treat their partner and children this way or how you'd feel if a man treat your daughter this way. This homelife is all they're being modelled day in day out.

You will be better off financially without him.
Chucking stuff he fancies in the shopping trolley regardless of the cost
Long lazy baths with the cost of heating the water.
Less cleaning stuff without him doing his head chef impression & leaving the minion to clean up.
You can claim 25% council tax discount as a single adult.

It doesn't sound like he contributed much effort or money to the household. So one less to pick ip after and pay for.

Any bills in his name change to yours. If not needed then cancel.

Arrange to get the locks changed. Until then, when you go out can you leave your key in the lock inside & use the back door?

Breathe a big sigh of relief & don't let him back.

I think he's done you a favour leaving but if he does come back make sure you put in clear boundaries like half housework and pays his way this is nuts. Remember you & him are teaching your children how to act in the future would you want your daughter to think it's ok for a man to treat her like this? Better on your own

Jeeeeez what a pig he is.

You are well rid of that. Keep him out of your home.

I’d be fucking thrilled. Bye bye dickhead.

Change the locks before he can get back in. He'll be back once he realises that there is no one to sub him and clean up after him.

He's trying to punish you for challenging his behaviour. Let it backfire. Lock the door and be glad he's gone.

I am sure that ones he feels its safe enough, when you have said sorry and all that, or when he gets bored of the place he is crashing at now, that he will be back with all the hoovering tactics his intellect can muster.

The question is will you tolerate living like this with him again?
He wont change, and no amount of boundary pep talking will make him do parenting, and house sharing responsibilities with you, maybe for 15 minutes then he will revert back to his old self.

If you are relived he is gone, its very telling how difficult it has been living with the extra man child.

Oh thank god! You’d have a much more satisfying relationship if you bought a turtle into the house instead of this twat. Change the locks.

Hopefully he doesn't come back and try to convince you to carry on being his cash cow mummy substitute.

Sounds like benefit fraud, he gets a top up of UC? He shouldn't do it should of been a joint claim.

Best that he's gone to be honest.

He's done you a favor now change the locks.
The fact he has done this without a word or inkling isn't normal.
He's left now let him make his new bed wherever that is. Watch your savings start rising again.
And know when you come home it's your mess you left not someone else's boomsite you are walking into.

Not often a cocklodger leaves on his own.

Lucky escape! He was like a 4th child. Change the locks and get on with your lives.

Christ op, take the bloody win!! The bath will be available, nobody will drink all the milk before baby gets any, your shopping will be much cheaper, your kitchen will feel like it cleans itself. If he didn’t leave his key change the locks, apply for cms, and when he contacts you, as he will when he remembers what an awesome deal he had with you where he did fuck all and got to be mad at you if you objected, you must refuse to engage on anything except him taking his child out for a few hours (contact will not be in your house)

him: how are you?
you: is this to arrange a time to see your child?
him: no it’s to talk to you, I miss you.
you: contact with your child is the only thing we have to talk about. Please don’t message again unless you are making a plan to take your baby out.