Husband left

[MeltyT]

My husband has left. I asked him to leave so we could have some space as both been unhappy but I’m so sad that he’s gone and he’s now saying he wants a divorce, not sure if he’s just saying that atm as he’s angry as I’ve asked him to leave. I don’t know if I want a divorce, I don’t want to turn my daughter’s life upside down. My husband has lots of medical conditions and he says this makes him very tired and so he doesn’t do night wakes and gets up with her one morning a week on a Sunday and then goes back to bed. I have been exhausted recently as DD has been ill and getting up more than usual he just watches me get more and more tired without offering any meaningful support. He takes it in turn to put DD to bed but she hates it and wants me 9/10. He is saying we will get divorced and he will have her 50/50 but he’s not done one night wake in 5.5 years because he’s unable to because of his disability how come if we split that’ll change? I don’t know if I want to stay in this marriage or not we haven’t had sex in 4 years, he calls me names regularly says I’m not maternal or a good wife/mother, says I’m lazy - this one really upsets me I work full time, do majority of school runs and after school activities, make dinner, clean etc etc but nothing is ever enough. If we separate perm I’ll have to move my daughter to a different area and school she will be devastated and my oh would fight that as much as he could. Any advice ladies?

I don’t know if I want to stay in this marriage or not we haven’t had sex in 4 years, he calls me names....

Why would you want to stay?

The easiest time to leave is when they're small. It's harder when they're older and in exams etc. In primary school they make new friends easily.

Well if he leaves, you pretty much will have full time custody. Due to his disability, its unlikely he'll be able to take care of her on his own.

I’m worried about DD being with him half the time she is a mums girl and he loses his temper easily, never gets up in the night, she wakes most nights and he can’t get up early she generally gets up 5/6am most days. I don’t want her to be with him on her own for 50% of the time.

He said he’ll argue for 50/50 custody as he deserves that but I don’t see how he can in reality but I can’t afford to fight him, his family will bankroll his legal fight and I can’t afford a legal battle.

Hand it to him for a week, and then from following week you'll have fully time custody:) no costly battles needed

He’s never admit he couldn’t do it just have to see DD being put through his parenting which will involve cry it out, sleep training and basically lots of things that won’t meet her needs. She would be heartbroken and a completely different child if he did all of that which is what he thinks should happen because she’s not a good sleeper. It seems easier to stay and just make sure she is happy.

I'd ask him which half of the week suits him best.
Put the wind up him.

Well then he can do 50/50 parenting now?? Why all of a sudden can he do that, when he wouldn't lift a finger before?

I am in a similar position to you. Stuck in a loveless relationship so the children don't suffer for 50% of their lives.

No advise just solidarity.

Sending a huge hug it’s the worst position to be in x

Get rid now. he sounds like a millstone round your neck.
There is no way he will be able to do 50/50. It just won't happen, he will do it for a week and then give up.
They always say that's what they want out of bitterness but they rarely do.
Better divorce now while your LO is small than when she will remember every horrible detail.

My ex hired barristers and all I had was me. I still won. Judges see right through all this shit, they've been dealing with it for years.

I promise you it’s the most adaptable age for kids for a move / fresh start. So much better for her to deal with all this now than in the future. At this age she’s unlikely to remember much about any potential unrest whereas as she matures feelings and memories are heightened. Please don’t stay with such a disrespectful person when you and DD deserve so much better. Stay strong. X

Call his bluff and get him to start doing 3 days and nights in a row, just him. Be REALLY happy about it and see him decide its too hard and give it up

Tell him you are divorcing him and to get him ready you will expect him to do all ghe work of parenting fifty/fifty now. Stop shopping for him or doing his laundry. Don’t cook for him.

Then go through with the divorce. Its a threat. He has no interest doing any of the work.

He’s likely saying this as he’s hurt that you’ve asked him to leave.
Given his lack of input now it’s highly unlikely that he will want to do 50/50 when it comes to it.
If you do properly separate it is easier when they are younger. Though of course you will miss your DD and worry about her, it’s natural.

In terms of his parenting, with kindness OP, it seems like you disagree with how he wants to parent and therefore if you’re insisting that things are done a certain way which he disagrees with, it’s a little understandable (though not necessarily fair) that he mostly leaves it to you.
I say this because I’ve seen men in situations whereby their partner has their way of doing things and it has to be that way, so any attempts they make to do things are shot down and they eventually gave up, only to later he slated for not pulling their weight.

At 5.5 your DD should be sleeping through the night, is there a particular reason that she isn’t?

I’m saying this to give you another perspective, because it could be that you decide to get back together and if you do, you need to agree on a way to parent. He absolutely should be pulling his weight.
You also need to set a clear boundary about his name calling, he has no right to treat you that way.

I was a single parent for a long time, also working full time, so I know how exhausted you must feel. I hope you find a way forward that works for you

All of this.

I think I would be keeping a detailed log of all that happens- start building a case against him.
So sorry that you are stuck between a rock and a hard place like this😟

"My husband has lots of medical conditions and he says this makes him very tired and so he doesn’t do night wakes and gets up with her one morning a week on a Sunday and then goes back to bed."

This is not a man who will have 50-50 custody for more than a day or so, if that. He does zero for her now; he's not suddenly going to step up and become superdad because you're divorced. He's threatening and blustering right now because he's angry/embarrassed/whatever that you told him to leave. Don't let his empty threats stop you from doing the right thing. He is a gaslighting abuser and IMO, a cocklodger.

There's no way he's going to have 50-50 custody! Get rid of the useless arse and call his bluff! x

I have tried leaving him to it and doing things he suggests but he fails to meet her needs and she cries and is at the point of vomiting he doesn’t comfort her or anything. So for example she needed a hug to go to sleep he will sit outside her room because she’s screaming crying and he’s not having it, she need a hug some reassurance and he just wouldn’t give it to her, I could hear her outside crying. I meet her needs yes she gets told no but if she’s upset I give her a hug, explain why she’s been told no etc I don’t think this is doing it wrong? I have no idea why she doesn’t sleep all night she needs little sleep and has always been the same, she has been poorly quite a bit recently which is why she’s been up more.

Off track but it sounds like your DD is struggling with self-regulation from your last post. It comes across that a lot of the regulation of her emotions is done by you out of kindness.
It might be common ground for you and your husband to try strategies to increase her self-regulation and resilience. It increases children's confidence, extrinsic motivation and happiness as a whole. It can't be a nice feeling for your DD to be unable to stop herself from being upset without help.

He’s come back to the house today to work from home and he’s sitting in the main living area refusing to use his usual working space, this is not normal behaviour is it?

Thanks I have tried to have a common ground with him with this but he say she shouldn’t do it the end. I have been using mediation techniques, music, feelings chart and phrasing things differently to really help her and have seen some improvements. What doesn’t help is he teases her incessantly and he doesn’t know when to stop which has a huge impact on her and the mood of the house. Last night she was so chilled she slept all night too. I honestly don’t know what to do for the best he’s said I have two weeks to decide whether I want a divorce or not.

His useless. He won't have her half the time. Course he won't his too damn lazy. Say yes to the divorce