Husband left

[MeltyT]

My husband has left. I asked him to leave so we could have some space as both been unhappy but I’m so sad that he’s gone and he’s now saying he wants a divorce, not sure if he’s just saying that atm as he’s angry as I’ve asked him to leave. I don’t know if I want a divorce, I don’t want to turn my daughter’s life upside down. My husband has lots of medical conditions and he says this makes him very tired and so he doesn’t do night wakes and gets up with her one morning a week on a Sunday and then goes back to bed. I have been exhausted recently as DD has been ill and getting up more than usual he just watches me get more and more tired without offering any meaningful support. He takes it in turn to put DD to bed but she hates it and wants me 9/10. He is saying we will get divorced and he will have her 50/50 but he’s not done one night wake in 5.5 years because he’s unable to because of his disability how come if we split that’ll change? I don’t know if I want to stay in this marriage or not we haven’t had sex in 4 years, he calls me names regularly says I’m not maternal or a good wife/mother, says I’m lazy - this one really upsets me I work full time, do majority of school runs and after school activities, make dinner, clean etc etc but nothing is ever enough. If we separate perm I’ll have to move my daughter to a different area and school she will be devastated and my oh would fight that as much as he could. Any advice ladies?

It’s good that you’re trying all of these techniques to try to address the issue. It does seem though that they aren’t working if she’s still not settling at 5.5
It’s not just the case that she doesn’t need much sleep, it’s that she can’t settle without you being there.
In terms of mornings, my DS used to get up early but at that age he would put on a dvd in his bedroom and watch it until I got up (probably for an hour or so).

I do get that it’s distressing to try to leave her when she’s crying and getting herself into a state, but it seems she has become so dependent on someone being with her that it’s having a negative impact on her.
It might be worth getting her a special teddy to help her sleep - take her to ‘build a bear’ and get one with a heartbeat, let her choose what she would like, then tell her that if she wakes in the night she’s to cuddle her special bear like she does mummy and it will help her sleep. Set up a chart and give her a star for every night she settles herself, maybe a star for teddy too because he helped her sleep. Make it a positive thing rather than her feeling like she’s being rejected.
She will be used to the rewards thing presumably from being in school.

Your DH needs to be on board with this, explain you’re trying to meet him in the middle and this is something that may help you all. If he does need to get up in the night he must not get wound up or tease her, etc, simply say “is teddy not helping tonight” and if she says no, he takes the teddy away and sits with her. He doesn’t necessarily have to hug her, etc if he’s tense, just tuck her in and be there.
Explain it would be really good if he could step into this rather than you having to go in, because she is so dependent on you. When she gets used to teddy being taken away she may start to settle with it because she wants to keep it with her.

If none of your attempts work, you really should consider taking her to the doctors and trying to find out what’s going on.

The fact your DH has given you a timeframe to decide if you want a divorce means that he doesn’t and he just said it in haste because he was hurt. Take some time to think about what you want. Discuss your boundaries and give him chance to step up with your DD in the next couple of weeks. Only you know what is right for you

I don’t think this will work for her tbh she doesn’t care about teddies and stuff like that she needs me or another adult to feel safe and comforted. He’s left me juggling everything he won’t do anything for her bar the 3 school drop offs/pick ups he does a week. He won’t put her to bed tonight despite her asking him because he has to go back to his parents for dinner. I’ve suggested he re-heats dinner or goes and comes back to do bedtime (5 min drive) and he’s refusing, I think this is unfair. He’s not reasonable and he’s making it really difficult for me atm

This. It's absolutely tragic that women stay with appallingly selfish men because they're worried those men might get 50-50 custody. Even if they did get it, they wouldn't use it - because they're too lazy and selfish. If they can't be arsed with the kids while you're together, why would they be arsed once you're separated? Loads of divorced men hardly see their kids at all.

In that case, you really do need to be seeing a doctor now, if she requires one of you there to go to sleep at that age.

Your DH really isn’t helping himself by doing that if he wants to stay in the marriage. It may be that he just feels it’s too much now to deal with your DD and so he’s finding excuses to not do bedtimes.
As I said, the issue with your DD needs addressing because it’s having a huge impact on you both. But I’d also consider counselling for you both, whether you stay together or separate, you need to get to the bottom of your issues so that you can both parent your DD

You’ve just said your daughter slept really well last night…the night he wasn’t present.
that speak volumes really. He’s setting the tone of the house for all of you. You’re exhausted, unhappy, the main caregiver, you’re doing everything and trying to keep the peace . He doesn’t comfort her, do any of the day to day parenting, isn’t place of safety for her and teases her… his very young daughter… those aren’t the actions of a loving, caring dad.