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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Weirdness and he thinks im always starting.

33 replies

Gels11 · 19/05/2024 19:30

My boyfriend is late 40s and has been on so many different tablets for pain since weve been together. Some of them kill his sex drive. Some make him tired all the time. Hes ready for bed at 7pm most nights. He wakez up groggy.

He has recently started having a joint again and i dont really like it anymore.

He was put on pregablin and taken off amitripline in the last few weeks. Ive started to notice the most pointless little lies with him and its giving me weird anxiety.

3 weeks ago i had sent him an asda shop. Usually he thanks me and lets me know its here. I sat waiting and waiting. Wasnt answering his phone. An hour after the slot he text and said sorry i had fallen asleep. 3 hours later im still awaiting a reply and at 11pm he finally rings me. He was sitting at his daughters an hour away. I thought this was really strange that hed ignored my calls. Didnt text back. Didnt let me know he was going out. Didnt care about me.

I went to his house last night. Hes a very tidy person. He takes care of his clothes and has a system with his washing. His wash basket was overflowing. I had a bath and went to grab some of his washing to go in with mine. He had loads of wet clothes in the basket and it had been folded so was clean. I asked why his clothes were folded and dumped in his wash basket going smelly. He had no answer really.

I then noticed his expensive and only coat wasnt hanging up in the hallway and hes so routined he will always hang it up. I asked where it was. He said it was in the wash basket. It wasnt! I asked him twice if hes lost it and he said not.

He has no money left until pay day now and i know him very well! He has some wash tablets left and he usually asks me to grab him some or pinches mine. There was a huge second box under his sink and a comfort. 2 months ago this happened too and he told a story of a box had been sent to his flat in a womans name. I didnt believe this because theres no intercom so you cant have parcels delivered to the flat.

Today he rang me and said he needed to go as was cooking and about to eat it. I text and asked if hed eaten. He replied no ive not been bothered and been laid on sofa all afternoon. I called him and pointed out hed either cooked or hadnt but why was he changing his story over cooking a curry. He started asking me why i was looking for an issue over curry.

I appreciate reading this i sound like an inspector. But this is all so weird.

I also had to clean his bathroom last night as it appeared to have sick on toilet rim and seat and it looked like green toothpaste in sink but his is white.

I really dont know if its the pregablin or if hes just turned really odd.

OP posts:
Gels11 · 19/05/2024 19:36

The other day is had messaged saying he needed a tenner when i was at work. 4 hours later after i sent it he hadnt opened my text still or thanked me. I rang him and he answered. I asked why he had not thanked me or replied to my message. He made out he hadnt looked at his phone. I asked why he was so desperate for a tenner but hadnt bothered checking if id sent it

Another example

OP posts:
Gels11 · 19/05/2024 19:41

A 3rd thing he deffo was at his daughters as she said hello to me. I know she had people round. When he got home the next day he wanted sex which he hasnt for ages. He tried something new during foreplay.

OP posts:
Seaoftroubles · 19/05/2024 19:51

It's not clear what you are asking really OP. Perhaps his new medication is making him forgetful and causing him to doze off? If you know his daughter well maybe ask her if she has any concerns abut him. What is your main worry?

IncognitoUsername · 19/05/2024 19:52

I’m not sure what advice you are after here. You know his behaviour is odd. Damp clothes in washing basket and silly lies is not normal. In your last post you seem to be suggesting he’s been with someone else? Or watching porn to suddenly have new moves?

Gels11 · 19/05/2024 19:55

All these strange things like him getting his shop and ignoring my attempts to get in touch. His coat disappearing. His washing being folded and ironed then soaked in water in the basket. Hes cooking a curry and its ready but an hour later hes not cooking and hasnt moved. Its all really odd.

Hes ignored his daughters messages all weekend but kept in touch with me.

OP posts:
category12 · 19/05/2024 19:57

What are the known side-effects of his new medication?

Beatrixslobber · 19/05/2024 19:58

Are you concerned that he is potentially unwell or are you thinking more along the lines of affair or drugs?

Gels11 · 19/05/2024 20:00

I just feel so baffled by him. I dont know what to think. He doesnt ever want to seperate yet he seems to be keeping stuff from me.

OP posts:
Beatrixslobber · 19/05/2024 20:00

It really could be the pregabalin.

Gels11 · 19/05/2024 20:02

Im not sure really what im thinking i thought id see what people think.

Hes also hanging up whenever i try discuss said behaviours

OP posts:
Keepthosenamesgoing · 19/05/2024 20:05

What are you getting from this relationship?
You seem to be putting a lot of effort in and getting nothing back. It may be the mess, I'm not a Dr so I can't say. But if you need regular responses and communication then maybe he's not the guy for you. You've not said how long a relationship it is ... so I don't know whether this is worth the investment of time

Newyearoldhair · 19/05/2024 20:05

Pregablin sent me loopy. Like really loopy.
It just doesn't suit some people.

Beatrixslobber · 19/05/2024 20:06

What if you approach it from a caring rather than accusing perspective?
Tell him that you think that his medication is causing him to become confused and suggest that he discusses it with his prescriber.

category12 · 19/05/2024 20:07

Seems like the side effects can include confusion and stuff. Because of the wet clothes in the laundry and things like that, I'd be inclined to think medication.

But you know him best if your instincts are saying otherwise...

You do seems to do a lot of support, financial and otherwise, and caring for him in this relationship, does it make you happy? Cleaning his loo is a bit above and beyond for someone you don't live with 😁

BurnerName1 · 19/05/2024 20:09

What is he on medication for?

Gels11 · 19/05/2024 20:16

Its been 4 years. The last few weeks ive been really unsure because hes getting high and i dont like the lad whos going round for a joint. Hes trouble.
My partner had to stop working in november and is awaiting an appointment with his surgeon. So hes been on and off meds for ages now. Nothing seems to be working but he is always sick, tired and in pain.

We usually get on really well. Ive always done alot for him. Hes the chef in our relationship. Ive been kind and i dont raise my voice. Ive asked questions. He sees this as me being susupicious. Hes ignoring me now because i was trying to make him understand the curry thing was 2 completely different truths. I am not trying to start on him either but im annoying myself because every day something is weird.

Maybe it is the tablets. Some nights when hes come to stay at mine he doesnt bring them and i find that odd incase hes not taking them properly.

OP posts:
Gels11 · 19/05/2024 20:18

He has broken screws and rods in his back from a broken plif operation. His nerve is caught.

OP posts:
Olivia2495 · 19/05/2024 20:20

It’s more likely to be the weed.

I don’t understand why you are doing his washing, sending food and giving him money while he tells lies to you and ignores you. You sound more like his carer than his partner.

Opentooffers · 19/05/2024 20:22

Why does he require constant pain meds? I think you are in danger of becoming his carer and enabler. You don't live together, so stop sending him money, he should be mature enough to fend for himself, he's not even grateful or respectful. Once you go down the path of supporting him, he will come to expect it, and it seems his default is to ask you for stuff already. Quit being a domestic maid when you turn up too, you'll make him co-dependent.
How long have you been seeing him? If its not been long, better to withdraw and take a step back, stop chasing him for a response, stop doing things for him that expect a response.

Keepthosenamesgoing · 19/05/2024 20:27

I'm perhaps a bit harsh but the best you can say is that you get on well and he cooks?
It's been 4 years ... are you sure this relationship is everything you wanted before the pain/meds?

Olivia2495 · 19/05/2024 20:28

You say you don’t like him smoking weed yet you’re inadvertently paying for it, by giving him money and sending food shops.

Opentooffers · 19/05/2024 20:31

X- posted. So after 4 years no signs of moving the relationship on, it's not progressed and stalled. That you've always done things for him is not a great way to run a relationship, not if he doesn't do things for you in return. It should be a 2 way street.
Hope he gets the surgery soon, the weed and meds are taking their toll, but it's his choice to be doing what he is. I still think for your own life, health and sanity, you should step back while he's like this.

Gels11 · 19/05/2024 20:35

Well the weeds reappeared this week. Its annoying.
Im only paying at the mo because hes gone from £3400 a month wages to £769 a month. Its not easy for him to survive and its sad as hes worked his whole life and is entiltled to nothing. His savings are now gone as hes used them to pay bills.

I like him for lots of reasons but id be lyimg if i said it was easy now. It sucks! Hes in pain. Hes depressed. Cut off from life waiting to get fixed and we cant go out much because hes broke and in agony.
But i dont like to think id be ditched if it happened to me.

OP posts:
Olivia2495 · 19/05/2024 20:46

But i dont like to think id be ditched if it happened to me.

Do you think he’d be cleaning your bog while you ignore him?

Mummy2024 · 19/05/2024 20:58

He's got in with a bad crowd OP, this will only go one way. He's ignoring you cos he's with said bad crowd.

He's depressed aswell most likely due to his financial and health problems and the weed will amplify that no end, he will have 0 energy and sit there like a zombie.

The tenner was likely for weed aswell and he was too busy rushing off to get it to thank you. He could have met someone else and that's where the washing tablets come from but I'd be skeptical on that it's hardly concrete proof. He could have swapped the expensive coat for either cash or weed who knows.

He needs a wake up call, if I were you I'd say I'm happy to support your health problems but I'm not happy with drug use carry on and I'm out. He will drone on about how it helps the pain and it might for a little while but so does cbd without the debilitating mental health issues weed brings with it.