Discovered partner's sex fantasy messages with her ex

[PhoebusH]

My partner (45F) and I (53M) have been together for 10 years and have a child who is 3.

Since the birth of our child I have felt that she is far less intimate with me and often not motivated to have sex. Recently she has told me that putting my arm around her in the night wakes her up. Have discussed my feelings with her for some time.

I am not the jealous type and have never been jealous in our 10 year relationship but she recently started dressing up extra, extra nice to go to work and I got suspicious. 3 days ago, I simply looked in an old heart shaped jewelry box that I found on the top bathroom shelf with old jewelry and written sexual fantasies that she had written with her previous boyfriend before me, that they used for a sex game together, describing sex acts they performed on each other etc. They were together 6 years.

She says that it is 15 years ago and that they are no longer in touch and I believe her but I was hurt that she kept those things and especially in our bathroom. It especially hurt me because it described intimacy that I feel is no longer in our relationship.

She swears that it is an old box and she did know that she had those written cards, which I find difficult to believe, especially since we moved 2 years ago, when she put the box there. She says that she should have hidden it better, in the cellar.

I was not happy to find what I found and it has questionned aspects of my relationship. She says that I am still going on about it 2/3 days later and it is unreasonable, that she loves me and that I am overreacting.

What should I do?

Let it go?

Unless you both were virgins prior the the start of a relationship there will be a past history that doesn't involve you.
If you're unhappy with it in the bathroom agree somewhere else she can put it

Deal with the disminishing sexual interest separately. It is NOT the same problem

I try not to be harsh on men here. But for goodness' sake.

You have a 3 year old child. I was always bitterly furious with any disturbance to my sleep when my son was that age because I was so tired all the time. So I think that's normal.

You've found something that she remembers with pleasure from her past. That's allowed. She had lovers and great sex before she met you. That's a good thing! It shows she has a sex drive. You're doing your best to drive it underground but she's a sexual person.

The big change is that SHE HAD A BABY. Her body changed, her life changed. You can explore new life together but not like this. I doubt her bf of 15 years ago has any relevance. Get to know her again as a real person, your lover, the mother of your child, not someone you need to police. Look for times she might welcome being touched, feeling intimate with you. Treasure that intimacy and be patient.

I understand why your upset, if my husband had something like this, I'd ask him to get rid of them and if he didn't want to I'd be wondering why.

That said if you feel there's something missing and she's kept these, maybe you could ask her if there's anything you could both do to spice things up abit.

You are focussing on this because it is easier to fixate on than the real problem you are facing here. The only solution at this stage is communication to find out how she feels and what the issues are from her side.

My advice is to avoid the word "sex" altogether when raising this issue. From what I've seen on here and other relationship websites if you make it about sex you will basically make it easier for dismiss your concerns as just being a randy old man or similar. This is about intimacy, love and respect.

Oh, don't be daft.

a) it's years ago
b) the last time anybody was wittering on about heart shaped boxes was when they were trying to argue that Courtney Love took a contract out on Kurt and then pulled the trigger on Kurt herself.

Honestly I think people here will colour there response to your sex, which is unfair. I think your partner is being unfair and keeping such things in such a place where you can see is unnecessary and hurtful. She is being generally unfair is she doesn’t want to talk to you or treat you with respect with regards to previous partners. Yes everyone has a history, which they are entitled to, but this shouldn’t be affecting the present.
She needs to speak with you. You have a right to discussion. It’s the basis of a functional relationship and of course you feel a form of jealousy as she isn’t warm with you or kind. If your sexes we’re the other way round people would be telling you to LTB.
It’s horrible to feel unwanted and unloved and feel no kind of physical intimacy. This needs to be discussed and find out what is going on. You deserve better.

Why are you suspicious because she has started dressing nicely?
You're trying to justify being jealous of something that has no relevance to your relationship

OP - i also usually try to be fair on men on here. But for a 53yo you are being beyond silly with her jewellery box full of old stuff.

Don’t look for irrelevant things to have arguments about and deal with the issues that are affecting your relationship.

It is not unusual for a woman’s libido to decrease after baby; and certainly with a toddler and being mid 40s.
You are affected by it, fair enough. But instead of arguing over what she did 15 years ago - you need to address your dynamic now and see if it can be improved.

Mumsnet double standards ride again! If the genders were reversed, people would be saying 'he's definitely cheating' and 'LTB'. OP, you have every right to tell her to destroy these fantasies. It is completely inappropriate for her to have them in your shared space. I'm not surprised you feel bad and insecure, she is being a bit disingenuous, I think. I'm not saying she's cheating, but she doesn't get to just dismiss your feelings about this issue.

Definitely Mumsnet double standards.
It’s one thing to have a past but quite another to keep written notes in their bathroom about how much she enjoyed sucking her ex partners penis.

Bollocks is it a double standard. This is stuff from 15 years ago that she's kept and that he went searching for. If my partner went looking on my email, he'd find the diary of my sexual adventures that I still occasionally look at wirh pleasure but it doesn't mean I don't love him or that I'm not faithful. He doesnt look because he is happy and not a jealous man. I think all that is a red herring.

I'd be pissed she had these weird things out so openly but not worried she's cheating. I'd be more worried about your current sex life. Have you explained to her how it makes you feel when you try and get close to her at night and she pushes you away? I think you should try and talk about it. Another 3 years and one of you will have an affair and your marriage will be in real trouble. And yes MN is full of man haters that will hold you to a different standard just because you are a man.

Yes, it is a double standard. If a woman had posted that she had found this, she would be told 'LTB'.

I would hate to find this in my bathroom. It's incredibly inconsiderate and awful for her to casually leave that I'm the bathroom. Have you never noticed that box before?
Personally I lost interest in sex generally after having my now 3 year old. Things are even less kinky since having twins. I personally don't want to do it as much. I wouldn't take it that it's anything to do with you personally

Thank you for your reply SilverBranch.

Communication is the key if she will be honest with me and consistent. Quite honestly I don't care what she did 15 years ago, but when she keeps it in our shared space where I can easily stumble on it, then it becomes an issue of today and not just the past.

Before we lived together, when the relationship became more serious I made sure that there were no remnants of past relationships in my flat, underwear and messages etc in any forgotten cupboard. It is simply a question of respect for the other person.

What hit me more than anything was that I thought it was so out of character of her, which perhaps favour's the pure mistake theory and which allows me to give her the benefit of the doubt.

We have talked about it and I will now try to move on, making an effort to work on the relationship myself. I have suggested that we have regular nights out and soon a weekend for two.

But thank you for your reply which I found helpful and constructive.

Thank you Mumoftwins for being honest and telling me of you own diminished interest in sex after children. It helped me not to go down the paranoid route.

Nothing is black and white, and posts that say "It's definitely this, or definitely that" often by definition don't necessarily take balanced view.

Men and women are both human and deserve to be treated with the same level of respect. Thank you MsLuxLisbon.

Is she an overly sentimental person? I really really struggle with throwing keepsakes away, even things that I don't particularly care about anymore. The fact that they used to be important to me makes it difficult. And I definitely would put something somewhere because I couldn't think of anywhere better, telling myself I'd come up with a better place for it to live, and then totally forget about it.

RE the lack of sex, it took me years and years to want to have sex again after kids. I just felt like that part of me didn't exist anymore. My whole identity shifted, my body was different, I struggled with guilt and body image and feeling completely touched out. I just couldn't imagine feeling "sexy". The idea just felt alien and ridiculous. Be careful that you're not making sex something else that she feels guilty about and is yet another task that her body is expected to perform for someone else's benefit. My husband never once complained to me about not having sex and I felt absolutely zero pressure from him. It's one of the reasons I adore him so much. During a season in my life where I felt like I didn't belong to me anymore and couldn't get to grips with my identity, he just loved and supported me unconditionally and didn't centre his own needs. He was patient and helped me to find myself again.

Heart shaped box? On the bathroom shelf? Should have been in the cellar? These are weird details - are you just trying to give a full and detailed description?

If you were a woman people would be saying trust your gut and get your ducks lined up. They would most likely say keeping those cards is disrespectful to you.

Since you are a man people are saying you are overreacting.

Mumsnet misandry at its finest.

The heart shaped wooden box was in a shoe box which contained other things from our move 2 years ago.

I have said to her that I cannot believe that she moved it from her flat to our new place and placed it in the bathroom cupboard without having looked in it. She said that if she did then it was a passing glance during the move and she didn't notice them.

Tbh if you weren't feeling insecure in your relationship you probably wouldn't care as much. Even if it's not always nice to read or know what your partner got up to with an ex.

I don't like being woken up myself as I need my sleep. But you do need to communicate how you're really feeling as it will escalate. Even holding hands, kissing just to feel connected as otherwise it becomes a habit. We all get tired and relationships take work

Maybe she's dressing up to feel better and that's most probably what it is. But you need to talk.

Also after having a child you can go off sex for a while. Its sometimes hard to feel sexy by the time you get to sit down to relax

I have to say I think she's telling the truth about the fleeting glance if she did. When you move your only really interested in getting everything from a to b.

Has she said she wants to keep them now?