Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Called police on ex. Did I do the right thing?

31 replies

chelsea912 · 19/05/2024 12:22

My ex had my 14 month old overnight for the first time last night. We recently split after 3 years together. I’ve never had a night away from the baby, I do everything, so it was really hard for me but I accepted it is how it is now. When I dropped baby off he wanted to chat to me but I wouldn’t engage so he got annoyed, but I just walked off to his annoyance.

He was due to drop baby back at 10am this morning. However at 10.20am after waiting anxiously since before 10am I text him asking where he was. He then called me saying what’s my problem he thought it was 10.30am and I need to get off his back about it, cos it’s not a big deal.

So I hung up as my new rule is not to engage with him unless it’s about my baby. He called me 6 more times to try and argue with me so I sent them to voicemail.

When he got here he continued the argument of “why won’t you talk to me” “let’s be adult about this, are you even an adult” - luckily I have it all on my ring doorbell.
As I went to his car to get my baby - as he didn’t bring baby to the house - he kept blocking my way to the car and then locked his car so I couldn’t get baby out. He said he wouldn’t unlock the car unless I had a discussion with him like adults.

I told him I’d call the police and he said go on then. He then followed me back to the house shouting at me and slammed the door - my kids (not his) were inside and it scared them.

So I called the police. He then got baby out of the car and bashed at the door, then walked around my house knocking on the windows (even opening my kitchen window fully) and even shouted up to my kids room to get them to let him and baby in.

Im really shaken about it but I also feel guilty. Did I do the right thing? I know he will be furious I did it and I also am someone who has never called the police on anyone or anything, so I’m mortified I had to have them at my house. I just wanted a normal drop off 😢

The police can’t do anything but have advised him to next time just drop off baby and not say anything - as I wanted him to do this time and all would have been fine 😭😭😭

OP posts:
Mabelface · 19/05/2024 12:28

Yes, you were right to do so. He may think twice next time if he thinks he'll get his collar felt. Don't be scared about doing it again nor stopping contact unless he agrees to a regular hand over schedule that only has conversation about the child.

He'll likely threaten you with courts and all sorts. Ignore it as it's him trying to control you. If you can have a third party do the drop offs and collections, even better.

Ultimately, your only role in his life is as the mother of his child. Don't let him continue to call the shots so he can control you. He has no rights to do this to you.

Original poster
chelsea912 · 19/05/2024 12:33

Thank you. He is not on the birth certificate as he has a drink problem and after having kids before I learnt my lesson not to give him that right when I’m not sure he deserves it.

I have been told he is abusive (by a couples counsellor we were going to together for months) but I find myself questioning myself every time I do something now that is me enforcing a boundary 😭😭😭 it’s so sad I used to be such a strong person I don’t recognise myself

OP posts:
Original poster
chelsea912 · 19/05/2024 12:34

I have no third party as family live nowhere near and he completely isolated me from friends. I hope in time I can build my life back together again.

OP posts:
MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 19/05/2024 12:41

Do pick ups/drop off in a supermarket car park from now on..Nice and public.

You did the right thing.

Aquagirl123 · 19/05/2024 12:47

He has a drink problem and you left 14 month old with him overnight? Would a contact centre possibly be safer, you wouldn't need to worry about baby's safety and you wouldn't have to see him. They will make sure all is well with him and the baby while he's there. Then no need for him to come to your house either.

Opentooffers · 19/05/2024 12:49

I would not be letting such a young child stay overnight with someone who has a drink problem. Tell him day visits only, and if he breaks this, stop the visits altogether. It's then it's down to him to take it to court, which is very expensive, so unless he has the funds, it's unlikely he will bother.
Tbh, I'm surprised you are willing to entertain the idea of a 'next' time, the way he has behaved.

imnotsickbutimnotwell · 19/05/2024 12:52

He does not sound stable enough to be having such a young child overnight.

Olivia2495 · 19/05/2024 12:55

Well done for ringing the police, although i would challenge their lack of action.

Unless something drastically changes you’re going to have years of this. I would cut contact and speak to women’s aid about a non molestation order.

Original poster
chelsea912 · 19/05/2024 13:02

Regarding the drinking problem I have no evidence except for when he lived with me and would hide his drinking problem but it was obvious. There is no proof which would stop him getting access. I plan to buy a breathalyser and going forward he will have to use that in order to be able to pick up or drop off my baby although the way things are going I’m not sure he’d take to that.

Ive looked into my rights and unless I reveal my hand that he’s not on the birth certificate he essentially has every right to see her even with a drink problem as I have no evidence to say he has one it’s his word against mine.

OP posts:
Original poster
chelsea912 · 19/05/2024 13:03

And once he knows he’s not on the birth certificate he can also put himself on that and get equal rights.

His brother is a multi millionaire who will pay for him through courts.

OP posts:
Ibouncetothebeat · 19/05/2024 13:09

Wow! Unpopular opinion maybe but you also sound quite high conflict and are adding to the drama. Silent treatment is also a form or abuse. Could you have listened to him then stated your boundary that you will only talk about the baby and nothing else. I also don't understand not opening the door when the baby is outside. Or just request that any conversations happen via text or email only. You're adding to this drama, you can only control your own behaviour and not his and I don't think your behaviour was right either.

Inspireme2 · 19/05/2024 13:12

Yes.
Is this a legal arrangement?
If not, make it daytime only.
Is anyone available to support you when he arrives and returns?
Can you use a notebook for information on baby but brief.
Does he look after her well despite his issues? Or are you concerned?
Don't engage, and if you feel the need to ring, yes, I know it's embarrassing etc it's for your peace of mind and your children's.
At least someone around you might look out for you hopefully.

Original poster
chelsea912 · 19/05/2024 13:23

Ibouncetothebeat · 19/05/2024 13:09

Wow! Unpopular opinion maybe but you also sound quite high conflict and are adding to the drama. Silent treatment is also a form or abuse. Could you have listened to him then stated your boundary that you will only talk about the baby and nothing else. I also don't understand not opening the door when the baby is outside. Or just request that any conversations happen via text or email only. You're adding to this drama, you can only control your own behaviour and not his and I don't think your behaviour was right either.

The police told me not to answer the door to him trust me I wanted to answer and get my baby!!! He wouldn’t give me the baby until I talked to him about non related baby matters!

Secondly I have told him countless times since leaving him that I don’t want to have any discussions except about our baby. I didn’t silent treatment him - if he had come to the door and said how his time with baby had gone and asked me when he could see baby again I’d have engaged in all of that. He came to the door saying “what’s your problem” then calling me a child for not engaging with him.

OP posts:
Mindblownawaybyfog · 19/05/2024 13:33

Surely he knows he isn't on the bc as he would have had to be there to sign it..?

Pinkbonbon · 19/05/2024 13:39

You did the right thing. And are doing the right thing to avoid chatting with him. He's a soul sucking wretch.

Pick ups and drop off in public places from now on if possible. Do you have family that could do it for you infact?

Otherwise just stick to your guns. Grey rock approach, minimal contact. Don't respond to anything not about the kid.

Lipolio · 19/05/2024 13:44

Ibouncetothebeat · 19/05/2024 13:09

Wow! Unpopular opinion maybe but you also sound quite high conflict and are adding to the drama. Silent treatment is also a form or abuse. Could you have listened to him then stated your boundary that you will only talk about the baby and nothing else. I also don't understand not opening the door when the baby is outside. Or just request that any conversations happen via text or email only. You're adding to this drama, you can only control your own behaviour and not his and I don't think your behaviour was right either.

This

VelvetTurtle · 19/05/2024 14:01

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Pinkbonbon · 19/05/2024 14:08

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Harassment is something. Blocking op from leaving is something. Hitting ops car is something. Physical intimidation is something. Scaring her kids is something.

Op has told him multiple times she doesn't wish to have any more chats with him. She doesn't OWE him anything. No means no.

The police well the right call because this man is not taking 'no' for an answer.

Harassment should be reported to the police. That's what they are there for.

Original poster
chelsea912 · 19/05/2024 14:09

Mindblownawaybyfog · 19/05/2024 13:33

Surely he knows he isn't on the bc as he would have had to be there to sign it..?

He didn’t bother to come with me to register the baby and didn’t pay for it either like everything else in our relationship it was left to me.

OP posts:
BlessedKali · 19/05/2024 22:03

it does not sound safe to leave a baby with a man like this

BlessedKali · 19/05/2024 22:05

chelsea912 · 19/05/2024 13:23

The police told me not to answer the door to him trust me I wanted to answer and get my baby!!! He wouldn’t give me the baby until I talked to him about non related baby matters!

Secondly I have told him countless times since leaving him that I don’t want to have any discussions except about our baby. I didn’t silent treatment him - if he had come to the door and said how his time with baby had gone and asked me when he could see baby again I’d have engaged in all of that. He came to the door saying “what’s your problem” then calling me a child for not engaging with him.

Show quote history

ignore that previous poster, they sound absolutely clueless. If you don't want to talk to him that is well within your right hand the way he behaved afterwards was completely out of order. You did the right thing by ringing the police.

BlessedKali · 19/05/2024 22:06

Ibouncetothebeat · 19/05/2024 13:09

Wow! Unpopular opinion maybe but you also sound quite high conflict and are adding to the drama. Silent treatment is also a form or abuse. Could you have listened to him then stated your boundary that you will only talk about the baby and nothing else. I also don't understand not opening the door when the baby is outside. Or just request that any conversations happen via text or email only. You're adding to this drama, you can only control your own behaviour and not his and I don't think your behaviour was right either.

Do you have any understand of abusive men? this is the most ridiculous thing I have ever read on here.

endofthelinefinally · 19/05/2024 22:51

You need to be informing social services and your health visitor as well as the police. Locking your baby in the car so you can't get to him is abusive and dangerous. To the baby.

onanotherday · 20/05/2024 06:39

I would expect that the police Will refer this to SS, which means both get a visit from a social worker. Who will suggest all meetings at a contact centre. You may need a court case. So build your evidence now

izzygirlis4 · 20/05/2024 07:48

If he goes to court then you can request alcohol hair strand test which tells the court how much he has been drinking.
Have a look at alphabiolabs